Game of Thrones Season Three Hangover

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Today’s word – Hodor

Game of Thrones Season Three is over and I feel like a mental hangover is immanent.   Like a night of wild partying, there is the massive let-down of the morning – where we realize it’s another ten months until season four.  This season was awesome on multiple levels.  I’ve started getting caught up in the books – but in the meantime here’s my summary of the HBO Series for Season Three without having read ahead:

Jamie Lannister.  Okay, we kind of hated this guy.  Remember when he pushed a ten year old out the window leaving him crippled because he was screwing his sister who was married to the king?   Oh yeah, we really hated him back in those days.  But by the end of this season he emerged as a character you cared about and that was a long and painful journey (especially for him).  With his ego, I’m sure he would applaud his own efforts except, oh, that’s right, he can’t because he’s missing his sword hand.  Filling in for that hand is Brianne, a big female warrior whose dialogue with Jamie was some of the best of the season.  A friend of my suggested that these two have their own spin-off series and frankly that’s not a bad idea.

Theon Greyjoy.  We hated him for his roasting of two innocent children and his almost epic fall from grace as he betrayed everything and everyone in his life.  Theon spent the entire season being tortured.  Up until about week four, we were good with this.  He was such a weasel and a Judas that we all felt 3-4 weeks of torture were about right.  Then he got his manhood lopped off.  Well, we winced, but we still thought he kind of deserved it.  By the end of the season we didn’t like Theon, but we wanted him rescued only because we were getting tired of the whole torture theme.  Like Jamie Lannister – It’s a bit of an awkward feeling, wanting him saved, but the writers were running out of things to cut off of him.

Jon Snow.  “Jon Snow, you don’t know anything.”  Boy was that the understatement.  For all of his rompings with the Wildlings, I still am not emotionally attached to this character.  I have no doubt that he will rise to prominence in the events to come – all the hints are there – but he has a hard time fitting in anywhere he goes.   You know your character sucks when the only chick you ever made love to puts three arrows into you.

Sansa Stark.  Will someone kill her for us please?  After three seasons of her being miserable but unwilling to do anything about it, I’m unsure where she gets her DNA from.  She was forced to marry Tyrion and I found myself pitying him not her.  If she were a D&D character she would have spent all of her skill points on Whining.  On the plus side, there’s a lot of room for character growth here.

Ayra Stark.  Voted “Most likely to kill the remaining characters in the series,” she has lost her real family, lost her pseudo family, served drinks to Tywin Lannister (Westeros’s Father of the Year three years running)  and now is paired up with a brutal killing machine (The Hound).   She got to be there for daddy’s beheading, and arrived a few minutes late for the death of her mother and oldest brother.  The only person she really has bonded with was an assassin.  She’s basically the Bruce Willis (Die Hard One version) of the Westeros gang.  Once she finds a channel for all that pent up rage, she’s going to kill a lot of people.

Joffrey.  The self-centered, illegitimate, childish, egotistical bastard of a king added the title “Sadistic murderer” to his job description this year by crossbowing my favorite hooker character, Ros.  He’s the poster child for why brothers and sisters shouldn’t sleep with each other.   I picture his wedding going badly (I haven’t gotten that far in the books yet) and this pleases me.  I hope the writer’s make his death long and agonizing, but in the Game of Thrones the writer’s rarely do exactly what we want.  Picture Tyrion standing with one foot on the chest of a dead Joffrey.  Yeah, I made you smile didn’t I?

The Queen of Thorns.  Okay, this character was fun on screen.  She was crude, disruptive, incredibly crafty, and manipulative.   Out of the new characters introduced this season, she was one of the funniest.   Most of the new characters were iffy at best – but she is very fun when on-screen.

Stannis Baratheon.  Let’s see.  Last season he slept with a witch who gave birth to a cloud-of-smoke-like-demon-thingy that killed his brother.  That’s right, another family man!  He attacked Kings Landing and almost won.  This season he was dark, brooding, and boring.  After the finale it appears he will be heading north towards the Wall, where he will be cold, dark brooding, and boring.  No wonder his brother sent him to live on an island.  His character sucks the life out of a room.

Littlefinger.  You know, they’ve never really resolved who killed Jon Aryn the Hand of the King, setting in motion all of this chaos.  And who was hired to kill Bran?  I strongly suspect Littlefinger.  Why?  He’s a prick – and arrogant one at that.  This season, he couldn’t bed Cat so he tried to seduce her daughter Sansa – which had to be as difficult as seducing a grapefruit – and failed at that.  He’s the worse kind of villain because he does his stuff behind the scenes.  He’s uber dangerous and this year proved himself to be a bigger jerk than usual when pimped out Ros to be killed by Joffrey – out of spite.  A man like this needs more hate channeled at him.

Bran.  This season it all made sense – he can see through the eyes of animals.  This was cool, for one episode.  As a character he’s as exciting as his name implies.  And despite making some new friends on the way to the Wall, his character didn’t grow that much.  At least he sent away his brother Rickon who was only slightly more exciting that Hodor in terms of characters.  In fact, let’s be blunt, we like Hodor more than Bran too.

Tyrion Lannister.  Easily my favorite character in the series…Tyrion hit a series of lows.  First, he was nearly killed by his sister’s (or the king’s) manipulation – leaving him scarred across the face.  Second, his dad essentially demoted him to be master of the coin – a gloried accountant.  He was forced to marry Sansa by his father (Tywin Mr. Millionaire Matchmaker) and in the wedding reception threatened to cut off Joffrey’s junk (which was awesome!)  Tyrion has hit a low of sorts, hated by a his father, his sister, and unloved by his new wife.  All that means is that next season will be awesome for this character (which in Game of Thrones terms can only mean something bad is going happen to him).  Personally, I hope he fulfills his threats to Joffrey.  Then again, I’m hoping ANYONE kills Joffrey.

Cersei.  The words, “Ice Bitch” are tossed around rather loosely about Cersei- but never to her face.  Looking at her resume’ it’s easy to see why she’s hated.  Her dad (Mr. Warm and Cuddly) pimped her to King Robert.  She carried on an incestuous relationship with her brother and gave birth to Joffery.  She’s implicated in attempting to kill her other brother during the Battle of Blackwater Bay – and routinely threatens people who come across her path.  Oh yeah, that’s perfectly sane behavior !  Bear in mind these are her redeeming characteristics.  What we saw this season is that she gets to add immaturity to her list of qualities.  The less-than-big story here is that she is losing what little grip she had on her son the spoiled-ass-Joffrey.  That can’t go well.  Maybe mommy will kill her devil-offspring?

Hodor.  Hodor, hodor hodor? Hodor!

Daenerys Stormborn Targaryen.  First of her name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, Mother of Dragons, Mother, and Queen of Asbestos.  Alright, this season was good to her – VERY good to her.  She used her dragons to lay waste to the slavemasters of an army – securing them for her own use.  She picked up Ser Barrister from season one – who rocks.  She then picked up a mercenary army led by Fabio, and freed a slave city giving her an army, a base of operations, ships, and manpower.  And she has dragons which now cook their own food before eating it.  Winter may be coming but we’re all just sitting back waiting for her to arrive in Westeros.

Rob Stark:  RIP.  Frankly your death was the highlight of season three as you marched around the countryside whining about the Lannisters.  Most characters that die on TV are barely remembered.  Your death at the Red Wedding has set the bar for violence and bloodshed at a family event.  Kudos Robbie!  And to your mom.  Why didn’t you throw that knife at Walder Frey?  Stupid stupid stupid.

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One thought on “Game of Thrones Season Three Hangover

  1. Kristyn

    Awsome and very accurate summary of Season 3! I totally agree about Sansa — DO SOMETHING for goodness sake! 🙂

    Now – I continue my struggle between “Do I read ahead in the books?” or “Do I wait for HBO to play it out for me?”
    This is a rare instance where I’m not sure which one is better — the show or the books.

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