Things Never Heard at the Game Table

HolyGrail034

A few weeks back someone posted this as an open topic on Facebook and some of them were hilarious.  A copious amount of Diet Mountain Dew and a bad sense of humor led to my following master list of things never heard at a gaming table (Dungeons and Dragons or any other RPG for that matter.)

  • Let’s leave that treasure for the next group that passes by.
  • Guys, we need more of a plan than “kill him!”
  • Let’s bury Bob’s character with the magic items he owns…he’d want it that way.
  • Don’t loot that dead body, it’s disrespectful.
  • I’ll go and negotiate with that pack of bloodthirsty Orcs.
  • One set of dice will do for me thanks.
  • Let me jump in that pit and check out the bottom.
  • Whatever you do, protect our NPC’s.  I would hate to see innocent people get injured or killed.
  • We’re saved – I happen to have a 10 foot pole!
  • An ancient red dragon?  I’ve got this covered.
  • Watch me charm that Medusa…
  • Game of Thrones is a little lame for me.
  • I’ve explored a lot of dungeons without taking along torches.
  • I challenge the cockatrice to a staring contest.
  • Stop wasting your time mapping…how complicated can a dungeon be?
  • My alignment is very important to me.
  • Wait a sec, let me get into character…
  • Let’s let the thief divide the treasure for us.
  • Put the assassin at the rear of our party.
  • You can have my share of the treasure.
  • Who in their right mind buys a DocWagon Card?
  • I want nothing to do with that magic sword/ring/armor/shield/mace, etc.
  • Killing that goblin doesn’t feel right to me.
  • Hand me those potions, I’ll try them all.
  • I’m going to use that D20 that keeps giving me one’s…it’s due to start paying off.
  • Charging them head-on will only piss them off.
  • My character is not attached to his horse.
  • I caught the pickpocket in the act?  Good.  I tell him, “Shoo!”
  • We are just being unjustifiably paranoid – let’s rush in.
  • Quick, everyone douse your characters in oil and set them on fire.
  • I’ll sit this battle out.   You guys should be able to handle this.
  • I’ve got too much treasure already – you take my share.
  • I’ll hold them off while the rest of you get away.
  • Playing Paladins is so much fun!
  • Let me heal you first, your character is more important than mine.
  • God as my witness, I thought gelatinous cubes could burn.
  • It’s only a patch of mold, why are you so edgy?
  • I don’t need to remove my armor before jumping in that pool.
  • No, I’m pretty sure I’ve used my last arrow.
  • I wonder what happens if you mix the potions together?
  • Today’s a good day to switch alignment.
  • Traits?  What are those for?
  • I’m going to give my share of the booty to the church.
  • We don’t need to check under the bridge before crossing it.
  • My character’s name is “Pansy.”
  • Oh boy, a cursed sword of gender-changing!  I’ve been looking for one of these.
  • Hold up, I’m not quite sure how this rule works…
  • I’m not upset at my character’s death, it’s just a piece of paper after all
  • Hot damn, my thief just successfully picked your pocket dude!
  • Wow – look at that halfling tear into them.
  • Quick – everyone into the portable hole.
  • Why worry – it’s just a Rust Monster.
  • A bar fight?   No thanks, sounds too dangerous to me.
  • I cover the hole in my spacesuit with my glove – does that stop the leak?
  • The best way to deal with this swamp is to simply wade into it.
  • Excuse me, I’ve been keeping track and I am out of food and water.
  • Whew, I rolled a one.
  • Oh boy, the DM is rolling a lot of dice behind the screen, this is going to be fun!
  • Ignore that Goblin Shaman and concentrate on his flunkies.
  • That fog that’s rolling in is a good sign.
  • Your thief is willing to carry my backpack?  Awesome.
  • Hey, we don’t want any trouble here.
  • We need to bury the guys we killed, even if it does take us a day.  Ya gotta respect the dead.
  • I don’t believe in luck.
  • You tell the head of the Thieves Guild he can kiss my ass…
  • We should steer clear of that abandoned castle.
  • I’m sure the river is shallow and safe to cross; follow me.
  • Your interpretation of the rule is better than mine.
  • Sure it says it’s the Gate to Hell, but I’m sure that’s a trick.
  • What is this Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie you guys keep referencing?
  • Checking for traps is such a waste of time.
  • It’s best to follow the orders of the city watch.  They pick those guys for their brilliance.
  • Having your girlfriend join our game is going to be a blast for the rest of us.
  • I think we should take the dragon at its word.

Smaug

  • That die bumped a pencil before rolling a 20; let me re-roll it.
  • Don’t worry about me, I still have 3 hit points.
  • I was going to use Conan as the basis for my Barbarian, but I went with Andy Dick instead.
  • I try and charm the Drow priestess.
  • We should not set fire the building. There might be innocent people inside.
  • I’ll let the poison run its course.  Don’t waste your cure spell on me.
  • Let’s huddle close together then move on the dragon.
  • Don’t waste that resurrection spell on my character.   I’ll just roll up a first level character and start over.
  • I take a deep breath, hold it, and open the airlock.
  • A Deck of Many Things?  I’ll take ten draws!
  • Let the survivors go, they’ve learned their lesson.
  • Why don’t we encourage our bard to sing a song now?
  • One pack of C4 should be enough to do the job.
  • This 300 year old bridge over the deep gorge looks sturdy to me.
  • I took morbid obesity as a player flaw/quirk.
  • I don’t care about experience points.  It’s all about the thrill of battle for me.
  • What are the odds of that wolf that bit me having lycanthropy?
  • It would be immoral to use that refugee convoy for cover.  Stand and fight where we are.
  • I’m counting on this grenade to have a slow burning fuse.
  • He’s a highly-educated Barbarian…
  • Someone else should try and seduce the barmaid.
  • I’m holding his possessions for his next of kin.
  • No thanks, I don’t like pizza.
  • No thanks, I don’t like Taco Bell.
  • Radiation …why worry about something you can’t see?
  • The wizard said he’d lead the attack with the fighters bringing up the rear.
  • It’s cool, I chose Raccoon as one of my character’s languages.
  • I move into the enemy crossfire to confuse them.
  • You are wasting time looking for secret doors.
  • They are skeletons…what possible threat could they pose?
  • Go ahead and use my dice.
  • Are you sure those things spray acid?
  • Sure those aliens look scary, but I’m sure their intentions are peaceful.
  • Our battle plan takes into account every contingency.
  • I saw Dune last night — I think I can ride this Purple Worm.
  • This dark ,dreary, overgrown road is the best one of us to travel at night.
  • The guards won’t have time to raise the alarm.
  • I want my character to take the point position.
  • Send the NPC’s to the rear, we don’t want them getting injured.
  • Why no, I’ve never heard of Xena.  Was that a TV show?
  • The DM’s flavor text was my favorite part of the evening.
  • We’re out of food, it’s time to start considering cannibalism to survive.
  • Look at those cute harmless winged monkeys…
  • I spit in the Oracle’s eye.
  • My paladin is a party animal.
  • It doesn’t matter what miniature you use to represent my character.
  • Don’t you think your last comment to the barmaid was a little sexist?
  • Trust me, summoning Cthulhu will change the entire dynamic of the battle.

cth

  • No, I’ve never heard of this Princess Bride film.  Is it any good?
  • I don’t care if it’s a 10×10 room, unleash the fireball spell!
  • I’m going to flash around a lot of money…let the locals know I’m loaded.
  • I’ll pass on carrying those extra clips of ammo (extra arrows, etc.)
  • Here, take my last healing potion.
  • Of course we will surrender our weapons — we don’t want any trouble here.
  • That Beholder will never see us coming.
  • My pencil broke – I’ll use an ink pen on my character sheet.
  • Here’s an idea: use the dwarf as a battering ram.
  • We don’t have enough elves or gnomes in our party.
  • My druid happily sets fire to the forest.
  • (To the DM)  I think you should recalculate the radius of the blast.  I’m pretty sure the whole party is in it.
  • Next step in the plan…we sneak up on that tank.
  • Does anyone know where you can get a pedicure in this village?
  • If I use my last teleportation charge I won’t be able to see the end of the battle.
  • That singing sword is so cool.
  • That pack of rats doesn’t look dangerous.
  • Star Trek – is that a TV show?
  • You can use the catapult to launch me over the wall and into the city.
  • I tell them if they don’t surrender we will just pack up our things and move on.
  • I’ve based my character on someone from the Twilight series of books.
  • My bard leads the attack using his mandolin as a club.
  • (To the DM)  I don’t mean to interrupt, but I don’t think you’re rolling enough damage dice.
  • I’m saving that fireball spell for when things go south.
  • No, I don’t think your Elven archer is too cliché.
  • I spent most of my money on clothing rather than weapons and exploring gear.
  • I’ve got a good feeling about this slave trader.  He seems honest to me.

PB

  • I don’t need a rope tied to me, it’s only a 75 foot drop.
  • I cut loose my bags of treasure so I can run faster.
  • I trust your character’s surgical skills.
  • I brought apple slices and celery as a snack for our gaming session.
  • There’s a limit to the amount of flaming oil flasks you can carry.
  • I try and reason with the Gargoyle/Owlbear.
  • Those peasants look innocent enough to me; let’s ride on.
  • I’m sure the Orcs will grant us good surrender terms.
  • My fighter’s primary weapon is a dagger.  My secondary weapon is a high Charisma.
  • I’m still not entirely convinced this armor is cursed.
  • It’s okay that you stole that scroll out of my backpack, you’re just playing your character accurately.
  • Use the secret door?  I don’t think so.  We don’t know where that might lead.
  • No, I trust that you rolled what you said you rolled.
  • Come on guys, violence never solves anything.
  • I’m encumbered?  I’ll leave that heavy magical broadsword behind.
  • You can go ahead and count that 20 you got when the die fell on the floor.
  • You got natural 18’s in three of your character’s stats?  Boy did you roll lucky!
  • The DM is reading a lot of flavor text – so we know nothing is going to happen here.
  • I’m convinced those flames are an illusion.
  • I chose hoarder as a quirk.
  • I drop my weapons to show the Giant that I mean him no harm.
  • I’ll run out and get the dragon’s attention so you can move in for a rear attack.
  • Quick, everyone play dead.
  • My half-orc barbarian will try and charm the Ogre Queen.
  • Oh cool, a sword with a higher intelligence than me!  This will come in handy.
  • Let the wizard cast his spell, then we rush him.
  • Send in the halfling assault team.
  • A Landshark?  Is that a joke?
  • My character’s goal is to start a farm, be a serf to a local lord, settle down and have some kids.
  • Try the trigger word “Apocalypse.”
  • That open sewer is nothing to be concerned about.
  • You can test that wand on me.
  • A trip to another plane will be a a hoot.
  • To show Odin that I’m worthy, I walk up and slap the old God right in the face.
  • Maybe that zombie bite won’t get infected.
  • To prove the staircase isn’t rickety, I jump up and down on it a few times.
  • I try to use Turn Undead on the Lich.
  • We will get away from the forest fire by climbing those trees.
  • I jump on the Griffith’s back and dig in my spurs.
  • My familiar isn’t annoying or an inconvenience is it?
  • That’s okay, you don’t have to pay us – we do this kind of thing for the fun of it.
  • I’m telling you, this 1966 VW Beatle is the perfect getaway car.
  • Don’t attack yet, let’s see what he’s summoning first.
  • You don’t think we’re being too sexist do you?
  • Hold up, my character can’t move that fast because I’m encumbered.
  • This would be a good time for me to switch alignments and character classes.
  • This game will make you cool.  Chicks dig guys that role play well.
  • You’re right, we should donate the treasure to that orphanage.
  • Why don’t you give my experience points to Bob, he worked harder than I did.
  • Let the gamemaster finish rolling for my explosive decompression damage, then I’ll tell you my next action.
  • Let’s take a break from playing and get some exercise.
  • Naa, I’ll level up in the next session.  I don’t want to rush into things.
  • Those heavily armed and armored statues are there for decoration, I’m sure of it.
  • My thief is too cool to hide in the shadows.
  • Awe cool, a bronze sword.  I can finally toss that iron one.
  • Let’s not attack.  If we just understand their motivations, we can arrive at a compromise of some sort without the need for violence.
  • I don’t care which edition of the game we play.
  • Here, take a look at my character sheet and double-check my math.
  • Spell duration?  Is that important?
  • Using miniatures makes the game play faster.
  • I rolled a 1 on my grenade toss.  Any chance that it’s a dud?
  • I pretend to be lawful good.
  • If we just walk through the room and ignore them, they’ll ignore us.
  • I don’t know if this matters, but when the wizard hit me with a lightning bolt, the whole party was standing in a puddle of water with me.  Does that change the results at all?
  • I based my character on Pee Wee Herman.
  • I never read The Hobbit…but I thought the movies were Oscar-worthy though.
  • This dungeon could use a new coat of paint.
  • No, my first level wizard didn’t take Magic Missile as one of his spells.  I thought that ventriloquism would be more useful.
  • Cancel the air strike – we can take these guys on hand-to-hand.
  • I feel it is better for my peasants to love me rather than fear me.
  • I think it best that we stick with the core rulebooks – the supplements don’t help us much.
  • Let’s make sure our campfire is big – it will scare away any potential threats.
  • Only use a half-flask of oil – I don’t want to waste it.
  • Let the princess rescue herself.
  • Combining Call of Cthulhu and Clue for the campaign was pure brilliant on your part.
  • I maxed out on the quirks for my character.
  • Forget the gold, dibs on those ingots of copper.
  • I toss down my weapon…time to get all MMA on this guy’s ass.
  • What would my dwarven fighter want with a warhammer (or battleaxe)?
  • I read something in one of the novels that might apply here, but we should just ignore it.
  • Before we move to the next room, let’s make sure we clean up our mess.
  • We tell the lord that he can keep the reward money, it was enough that we rescued his daughter.
  • The Dungeon Master is always right.
  • Have the artillery drop on our current position – I’m sure we’ll come through the barrage okay.
  • These odds seem imbalanced in this battle.  I wish the DM would toss in a few more baddies for us to fight.
  • The best way to check for traps is to just walk down the hallway and see what happens.
  • We can trust the Drow assassin.
  • I never thought I’d say it but there IS such a thing as too much treasure.
  • My character is named Snooki.
  • There’s only one way to take out a giant, one-on-one combat using a sling.
  • We’ll attack the vampire lord’s crypt at midnight – when he’d least expect it.
  • Boy the DM is making this easy for us.
  • I don’t think that crack in my spacesuit helmet is big enough to warrant concern.
  • Excuse me, you forgot to make a random encounter roll.
  • My plan?  Has anyone seen the movie, The 300…?
  • I chug the holy water – does that heal my chest wound?
  • I’m pretty sure the dungeon is abandoned after all of these years.
  • I ignore the pentagram and burning candles on the floor.
  • This reminds me of the last time we played Chutes and Ladders…
  • We don’t have to fight those kobolds -we can probably outrun them and avoid the battle altogether.
  • The treasure you’ve described is too big for the creatures that were defending it.  If you want we can give you a few minutes to scale it back.
  • The Prius will make a perfect getaway car.
  • Hold up there, isn’t that a bit of overkill?
  • Download a bootleg sourcebook for free?  No thanks.  I want to make sure the designers and the company get their fair share.
  • I ignore that strange character that has been trailing me.  He’s probably just curious where I bought my boots.
  • The joke’s on you, I’m not wearing any armor.
  • Oh boy, strange glowing runes.
  • I step out onto the ice to test its thickness.
  • I’ll hold the torch while we wade across this pit filled with oil.
  • So the Codpiece of Arrow Attraction is a cursed artifact?
  • Don’t take that stuff from the tomb…were not grave robbers.
  • I’m not embracing the image you’re portraying, can you provide me more flavor text before I rush into battle?
  • I do my best fighting from high up in a tree.
  • We don’t have to burn that dead troll’s corpse.
  • My superhero took high speed flight but I didn’t take super strength.  I mean how much damage can a landing do?
  • I invite the local magistrate and the captain of the city guard to kiss my codpiece.
  • Drat – I was hoping to simply incapacitate him.
  • Quick, punch a hole in the bottom of our boat.
  • Of course we will treat you mercifully if you surrender.
  • Hey buddy, I came into this pub for a cold drink, not to get sucked into some lame-ass adventure.
  • Just because he’s an old wizard doesn’t mean he’s high level…maybe he just got started late in life.
  • Maybe we shouldn’t blow up the building to take out the terrorists.
  • This probably isn’t a good time to mention that my wizard is out of spell components.
  • Let’s make this interesting – I’ll roll a lower number die for damage.
  • Sure it’s fair you make me fight then heal the rest of the party.
  • What do you mean there are no power ups in this game?
  • You guys are laughing with me, not at me, right?
  • How do I know if you’re not an evil cutthroat?
  • I shift into the difficult terrain for the battle.
  • Who would boobytrap a wooden chest?  I’ll open it.
  • Can we wrap this game session up?  The Kardashians are coming on in ten minutes.
  • Is there a minimum number of spells I have to take?
  • A strange smell fills the air?  I breathe it in deeply.
  • My monk refuses to use weapons in battle.  It would be dishonorable.
  • I know I fell 200 feet, but did you factor in I was wearing armor?  That had to shave a few points of damage.
  • Guys draw your weapons.  I need some practice with this new vorpal sword.
  • This character is too good, he’ll make the other characters look bad.  Let me roll up something more mundane.
  • I’ll walk the next few miles – my horse could use a break.
  • I think you need to re-roll the damage.  My character was carrying eight flasks of oil when the fireball hit him.
  • I know a shortcut through the ancient burial grounds that will save us time.
  • Quick, into the dark forbidding forest.  We’ll be safe there.
  • The enemy is too stupid to set an ambush.
  • Don’t worry about them, ghosts aren’t real.
  • Oh good, a dark forbidding cave, that’s just what we needed.
  • I think it’s great that you’re checking online for clarification of that ruling.
  • I don’t care if it is a temple to an evil god, we shouldn’t desecrate it.
  • I’m not going to read that scroll, who knows what it might do.
  • Remember men, we’re not doing this for the money.
  • Hand me that bowl of celery, I need a snack before getting back to the game.
  • While we’re in the middle of this battle, perhaps we should stop here for the night and pick up in the fight next week.
  • They won’t respect you if you don’t insult them.  Say something about his mother.
  • We happily pay the toll.
  • Doesn’t inflammable mean the same thing as fireproof?
  • I refuse to disbelieve.
  • If he wants to fist fight, then that’s exactly what I’ll do.
  • Why don’t you lead the party?  I’m more of a follower anyway.
  • I drink the vial marked with the skull and crossbones.
  • See, setting fire to the Alchemist’s shop was a great idea.
  • Revenge just doesn’t feel in line with my character’s backstory.
  • I draw my tactical battle plans from the masters — Scooby Doo, Inspector Gadget, and Maxwell Smart.
  • I’m going to use the Top Hat from the Monopoly set to represent my character.
  • Hold your fire, we might hit innocent bystanders.
  • He’s down to one hit point…let him go, he’ll tell of this battle and send fear into the hearts of our enemies.
  • My motto:  Always trust the corporation’s robot.

ASH

  • My character pretends to be a statue at avoid drawing attention.
  • I’ll take the late watch.  Nothing ever attacks after midnight anyways.
  • We don’t need to double-tie the knots.
  • Well, if you say it’s in the rulebook, I trust you.
  • My “adventures” in my cubicle at work are much more fun than this game.
  • We set up our camp in the haunted graveyard.
  • Dragon breath can’t do too much damage.
  • We sure were lucky you played a Gnome character.
  • D&D?  I thought we were going to play Mystery Date!

MD

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2 thoughts on “Things Never Heard at the Game Table

  1. microraptor

    Oh boy, a cursed sword of gender-changing! I’ve been looking for one of these.

    Dude, never taunt a transsexual half-orc. You don’t want her to demonstrate what “hitting like a girl” means.

    Also, I was in a group where they let my character, the thief, divvy up the loot. I didn’t count it as stealing from the party so much as leveling a stupidity tax.

  2. Al'

    Lots of good things there. It gives me ideas for a party : a brave war-bard, a Drow assassin being the most reliable member of the group, a paladin devoted to his god of feasts and partying, a former princess with a few levels of Warrior carrying a simple dagger, an old wizard that has only begun learning magic six months ago…

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