Performance Review Humor

Beware the Corporate Overlords are watching!
Beware, the Corporate Overlords are watching!

Regular readers of my blog and books know I hold the review processes in many organizations in contempt.  Most reviews don’t drive outstanding performance but serve to document reasons why a person isn’t advancing or their failures.

Here are some funny phrases that have been circulating the web for the last few years.  These are phrases used in reviews and their humorous interpretations.  I’ve taken the liberty of expanding the list where appropriate.

A CHANGE LEADER:  Loudly Indecisive.

A HISTORY OF STRONG PERFORMANCE:  Consistently under-challenged.

A KEEN ANALYST:     Thoroughly confused.

A VOICE OF REASON:  Won’t shut the fuck up

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:  Drinks heavily, may have a problem.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:     An office gossip.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:     Delegates stuff he/she is responsible for.

AVERAGE:  Not too bright.

CALM UNDER FIRE:  Too dazed and confused to act.

CANDIDATE FOR FAST-TRACKING:  I will do anything to get this person assigned to another team.

CAREER CENTRIC:  Is bitching he/she wants a promotion.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:     Still one step ahead of the law.

COMMUNITY FOCUSED:  First out the door for happy hour.

COMPANY-FOCUSED:  We will never get rid of this bastard.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:  Scared.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:  Nagging pain in the ass.

CREATIVE THINKER:  Wanders off on his/her own.

DEADLINE FOCUSED: Doesn’t get along with other human beings.

DEEP THINKER:  Paces the office when a crisis emerges.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:   Has a loud voice.

DESERVES PROMOTION:    (or anything else – just get him or her away from me!).

EMBRACES CHANGE:  We have broken his/her will.

ENGAGES CO-WORKERS:  Sends out weekly joke email.

ENJOYS JOB:  Needs more work to do.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:  Has committed no major blunders (to date).

EXPRESSES SELF WELL:  Spends days on Facebook

FLIGHT RISK:  Spends hours a week on Linkedin and job search sites.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:  A coward.

GOAL ORIENTED:  Toots his/her own horn – even when not appropriate.

GOES ABOVE AND BEYOND:  Tramples on others careers to advance his/her own.

GO-GETTER:  Mindlessly wanders around the office every hour or so trying to look busy.

GOOD ORGANIZATIONAL KNOWLEDGE:  Knows where the bodies are buried, may have buried them himself.

GREAT PERSONALITY:  Has photos of leader having sex with a goat…candidate for promotion.

HAPPY:  Is paid too much.

HARD WORKER:   Usually does it the hard way (and complains about it)

HIGHLY FOCUSED:  Unwilling to change.

HIGHLY PROFESSIONAL:  Owns a suit and wears it occasionally.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:     Knows more than superiors and lets them know it.

INSIGHTFUL:  Points out my flaws.

INSPIRES OTHERS:  Incites revolution with the other peasants.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:     No other team will touch him/her.

JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:     Lucky.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:     Knows lots of dirty jokes and shares them.

LEADERSHIP MATERIAL:  Spine and soul have been removed.

LEVEL HEADED:  Refuses to panic while his peers do.

LEVERAGES KNOWLEDGE:  Steals ideas from others.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:     A snob.

MANAGES UPWARDS:  Criticizes superiors.

MENTORS OTHERS:  Gossips

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: Anal retentive to a fault.

NEEDS MOTIVATION:  Has stopped responding to verbal abuse – physical abuse may be called for.

NIMBLE:  Has dodged multiple efforts to lay him/her off.

NOT A DESK PERSON:     Did not attend or complete a university education.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

OFFERS FRESH PERSPECTIVES:  Can’t shut up about the last place he worked.

ORGANIZED:  Uses agendas on conference calls.

PROMOTION CANDIDATE: Tells me what I want to hear – especially about myself.

QUICK ON HIS/HER FEET:  Never in his or her office when I need them.

QUICK THINKING:     Offers plausible excuses for errors.

REACTS DYNAMICALLY TO CHANGING SITUATIONS:  Panics easily.

RECOGNIZED LEADER:  Instigator of others.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

RESPECTED BY HIS/HER PEERS:  Has dirt on co-workers.

RESULTS FOCUSED:  Wracks up a body count to get the job done.

RESULTS ORIENTED:  Steps on the toes of others to get the job done.

RIGID:  Doesn’t listen to anything other than the voices in his head.

SELF MOTIVATED:  Gets things done despite a lack of direction.

SHOULD GO FAR:   Please!  When?

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:  Stupid.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

STEADY:  Uninformed.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:  A real jerk when under pressure.

STRATEGIC THINKER:  Manages upward well.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:     Stubborn.

STRONG MOTIVATOR:  Is not above beating his team members

STRONG UNDERSTANDING OF OUR CULTURE:  Knows where the bodies are buried.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

TACTFUL:  Knows when to shut up.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:     Buys drinks for superiors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TEAM PLAYER:  Refuses to sell out the other guilty parties.

THINKS OUT OF THE BOX:  Doesn’t steal the credit of others.

TIMELY:  Panics at exactly the right time on a project.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:  Will stick with us until retirement, God help us all.

USES RESOURCES WELL:  Delegates his/her work.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:  Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE:     Finds five reasons to do anything except original work.

VOCAL:  Yells at others.

WELL ORGANIZED:  Needs more work to do.

WILL GO FAR:  Related to someone in senior management.

WORKS WELL VIRTUALLY:  Logs onto his/her computer at least once a day.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Highly opinionated.

Please feel free to check out my book, Business Rules, if you found this funny.

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