Real World Lines for Your Resume’ (office humor)

EyesI recently updated my resume’ for what seems like the hundredth time and as I was doing it my snarkiness took over.  I started wondering, “What if people updated their resume’s with the actual skills, experiences, and work they do?” So I started jotting them down and after a few weeks, I came up with a list that made me laugh – and I hope you’ll enjoy it too.  Of course, none of these apply to my current employer…because that would be both wrong and ignorant.

So here’s the list of lines for your resume’ reflecting the real world…feel free to use them as you see fit:

  • Active target of management amusement/abuse yet oddly productive.
  • Demonstrated creative solution creation on teams that collectively couldn’t master tic-tac-toe.
  • Able to dodge multiple attempts to compromise integrity.
  • Strategic influencer of weaker minds and souls.
  • Gifted with ability to detect and point out bullshit.
  • Successfully debated managerial incompetence with senior leaders (with charts and examples) without them knowing it.
  • Objective perspective regarding hopelessly fouled up projects.
  • Possessor of the burial locations of the bodies of the victims of the Corporate Overlords.
  • Developed a system for liquidating and stockpiling strategic office supplies from a locked supply cabinet.
  • Served as “the voice of reason” in the technological equivalent of a lunatic asylum.
  • Artfully dodged responsibilities that would have further imperiled my career opportunities.
  • Successfully led department snarkiness and sarcasm team to the semi-finals three years running.
  • Altered my perception of the phrase “world class” to reflect more of a real-world understanding.
  • Found new ways to entrench my antiquated ideals of employee motivations.
  • Deflected mental abuse levelled for being right while those about me were not.
  • Successfully led a massive reorganization effort on a team that was never organized in the first place (which, when you think of it, is remarkable).
  • Maintained a strong social media presence despite oppressive first amendment defying censorship policies. (makes me sound like a patriot, don’t ya think?)
  • Actively suppressed the use of sound effects to augment my discussions with senior leadership.
  • Did not attempt to assassinate a former abusive manager for over 1427 consecutive days!
  • Reorganized the voices in my head so they are more in sync and consistent.
  • Demonstrated the ability to not lose my focus despite the fact that my career is in flames and spiraling to the Earth at breakneck speeds.
  • Identified by leadership as the “go-to” person when they duplicate the mistakes of past leadership teams.
  • Realigned my values to a lower level to be in line with the incompetents that dare to call themselves my peers.
  • Converted my work-related rage into a series of memes involving coworkers, farm animals, and the kama sutra.
  • Consistently showed up at work despite the urge to seek professional mental help.
  • Despite the odds, was able to find humor in the misery and suffering of inferior colleagues.
  • Led significant IT organization effort to file or delete the 243 messages in my inbox.
  • Avoided abusing the video conferencing capability despite strong urges to do otherwise.
  • Reworded successive leadership communications so that the manager in question did not come across as a third world dictator, (and not a word of thanks in return).
  • Developed algorithm for calculating the number of minutes until my retirement/parole.
  • Spent two days annually taking learning that was mandatory but had no bearing on my work or lifestyle choices.
  • Developed creative alternatives to the dress code. (I purchased a straightjacket for use on video conference calls, referring to it as “my afternoon sport coat.”)
  • Successfully deployed an attitude of complete ambivalence to my career which went almost entirely undetected.
  • Mimicked attentiveness when leadership forced attendance to Town Hall meetings.
  • Devised complex project plan for dismantling, shipping, and reassembly of an Aeron chair from our office undetected.
  • Created alternatives to the use of the phrases/words, “Flip-flop,” “managerial incompetence,” or “waffling” in regards to leadership announcements/decisions.
  • Willing to sell out everything but my values in order to survive.
  • I am freewill flexible!  You tell me my opinion and that is what I also believe, until you leave the room.
  • Skilled at changing direction, sometimes hourly, in support of leadership whims.
  • I am a dedicated worker – I had soul crushed and served as croutons in the cafeteria years ago.
  • Assumed full responsibility for the bad career choices I’ve made in the last two years despite complete innocence on my part.
  • Significantly increased my personal productivity by forgetting my Facebook password.
  • Began executive documentation effort regarding decisions, directions, and priority setting…code name “War Crimes”
  • Solid foundation for HR policies as they relate to workplace abuse (mostly experienced-based).
  • Devised sophisticated system to update my availability status in Skype with phrases that confuse the weak, timid, or leadership.
  • Adjusted the virtual target on my back so as to make me more difficult to hit.
  • Established new levels of evaluation and critique in regards to apparent random changes in direction by management.
  • Conduit for bad decisions and horrific communications.
  • Convinced myself that I was better off doing what I was doing rather than doing something that would attract too much attention.
  • Regularly demonstrate knowledge sharing principles when repurposing the work of others into my PowerPoint presentations.
  • I team well with those I deem worthy.
  • Established an informal communications network to augment the lack of formal communications by those in charge.
  • Possesses the ability to distinguish the level, depth, and potency of bullshit when presented in a PowerPoint format.
  • Maintains ethics and values throughout mental incarceration.
  • Misdirected inappropriate levels of abuse to other parts of the organization so as to spread the workload of abuse reconciliation.
  • Preserved the illusion of managerial leadership by suppressing the urge to point out how our leaders have been economical with the truth.
  • I possess an innate sense of where “the line” is and straddle it often to the discomfort of others.
  • Executed a prioritization schema in lieu of leadership making up their minds and doing it themselves.
  • Instituted health program aimed at increasing the blood pressure of my immediate manager.
  • Expert at sheltering management’s egos from the impact of their less-than-perfect decisions.
  • I have been successfully pointing out the painfully obvious for the length of my career.
  • Demonstrated ability to locate and attract flawed characters that might otherwise cause havoc in other parts of the organization.  (I believe a thank you is in order.)
  • Ability to form semi-functional teams from quasi-dysfunctional individuals with competing egos, agendas, and directions from management.
  • Able to see the morale uplifting humor in the shortcomings of others.
  • Able to incorporate often conflicting priorities into an otherwise dead-end career path.
  • I possess a healthy and natural distrust of PowerPoint as a communications channel.  I even have a deck that proves this.
  • Possessing a disproportionate amount of business sense in comparison to those that use the word “peer” in describing our working relationships.
  • Communications skills – able to interpret messages from leadership into things that are both directional and entertaining.
  • I have banked up karma enough to offset almost anything short of waging war.
  • Raised the bar on creative witticism and insightful (often entertaining/humorous) observations into the operational workflow of the organization.
  • I demonstrate marked self-control given the daily if not hourly challenges to my career, sanity, and well-being.
  • Actively assisted in shifting the misplaced blame for several outages towards the designated scapegoats, thus increasing morale of the guilty parties.
  • Equipped with ability to suppress the urge to introduce reality into discussions and embrace the nuance of random blame assignment.
  • Retention and application of the history of the organization into current events, where applicable.  Example:  “This is exactly like the last time you threw me under the bus.”
  • Demonstrated extreme tolerance with individuals who are distracted easily by shiny objects.
  • I have been consistently proven correct on a number of flaws (and flawed individuals), despite the personal displeasure it brought me.
  • I have a detailed comprehension of the stakeholders that control every aspect of my career, yet have a stunning and surprising lack of influence on their activities.
  • Teaming skills – providing the staff with insightful often ironic comedic insights into topical issues and management communications.
  • Willing to risk my career to propagate morale boosting messages…like this list!

If you enjoyed this, pick up my book, Business Rules. #corporateoverlords

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