Humorous Yearbook Awards

 

Lodge
I kid you not, this is the 1999 yearbook from my high school.  I graduated in 1980 so I can’t be blamed for “Beaver Fever” in the title.  It was funny enough when they would announce at a football game – “Here come the Beaver Cheerleaders…”  

When I was a kid we had little quotes under graduates photographs in the yearbook.  Little things like “Voted Most Likely to Succeed.”  I always was suspicious of this, since I honestly don’t remember any of us actually voting for this stuff.  Then again, I mentally have purged most of my memories of high school in general.

With graduation season just around the corner, I thought I would attempt at a cynical/snarky list of contemporary things that students could be put in a modern yearbook.  Enjoy!

  • Most likely to live off government welfare (and complain about it.)
  • Voted most likely to appear in a compromising act on YouTube.
  • Semi-professional instigator.
  • Unlikely to move out of parents basement in the foreseeable future…if ever.
  • Likely to fail filling out the University of Phoenix entry application.
  • Best attempt at alcohol poisoning before the age of 25.
  • Best looking in their old letterman jacket ten years from now.
  • Most likely to appear on Catfish or Tosh.O
  • Future semi-professional pole dancer.
  • Most likely to be unable to walk past the Entemann’s display in the grocery store.
  • Worst future parent – AKA The Britney Spears Award.
  • Most likely to remain terminally bitchy in later life.
  • Most likely to die in a meth lab explosion. (Also qualifies for Worst Home Chemist award)
  • Leader of the best fight at an upcoming class reunion.
  • Most likely to grow up and be a semi-professional asshat (or ambulance chasing lawyer – your choice)
  • Most likely to make little out of a life full of bad decisions.
  • Most likely to become a bitter social media troll posting angry political posts aimed at offending those of lesser minds.
  • Future Walmart department head.
  • Poster-child for the terminally geeky.
  • Most likely to have children that cut themselves.
  • Most likely to drive their future spouse to suicide.
  • Best Goth Wannabe.
  • Destined to be a bad gym teacher.
  • Most likely to appear in an episode of Cops.
  • Most likely to appear as a douchebag on an episode of the Bachelor.
  • Most likely to be a purification supervisor at the Flint Michigan Water Plant.
  • Destined for a career in small town politics or running a used car lot (or both).
  • Most likely to be that guy that makes loud noises when working out at the gym.
  • Peaked in Junior High.
  • Most likely to leave a trail of wrecked souls and crushed dreams throughout her life.
  • Still on the run from reality…
  • Most likely to be referred to on TV news as: “A quiet loner…I’m not surprised he killed all those people.”
  • The guy who takes a penny but never leaves a penny.
  • Future Pall Mall spokesperson.
  • Most likely to explode with the barista gets their latte order wrong.
  • Will pass on his/her bullying skills to another generation.
  • Voted most likely to be the champion burrito folder for the Midwest Chipotle restaurants.
  • Destined to hold school record for tobacco spitting.
  • Potential for being the worst mother in-law in human history.
  • Aspires to own a new double-wide.
  • Future involuntary bald guy.
  • Terminal underachiever.
  • Destined to raise children that will burn down the entire neighborhood.
  • Future home – in a van down by the river.
  • Destined for terminal pregnancy throughout her life.
  • Poster-child for Housefrau’s of America
  • Future body canvas for horrid tattoo’s.
  • Best upcoming mid-life crisis.
  • “Would you like fries with that?”
  • Most likely to be in the left lane with his/her blinker on going 45 mph oblivious to the world.
  • Can’t text and breathe at the same time.
  • Believes Breaking Bad is a tutorial.
  • Goes commando even when not in vogue.
  • Most likely to grow old, alone, with 60-ish cats.
  • Destined to nag spouse into suicide.
  • Likely to be fired in a sexting scandal in later life.
  • Unable to tells the difference between social media and the real world.
  • Unlimited career potential…in the prison commissary.
  • Looking common sense in the rearview mirror.
  • Runs with scissors.
  • Future victim of alcohol, bad decisions, and raging hormones.
  • Destined to turn lottery tickets into a failed personal retirement program.
  • Most likely to have the correct body weight for a 17 foot tall human.
  • Future helicopter mother.
  • Wears bib overalls with no shirt.
  • Future stripper name:  Lotsa
  • Will always own a car that is at least ten years old.
  • Most likely to have bodies buried under the front porch.
  • Most likely to have an outstanding collection of NASCAR collector plates.
  • Most likely to have his pants sag down just above the knees.
  • Will attempt to set the Guinness world record for number of divorces and failed relationships.
  • Elementary school bus accident in the making.
  • Last words he/she will say, “Here, hold my beer…”
  • Will own a winery and likely consume the profit margin.
  • This person will leave their bumper stickers on out of pure laziness (that and they are holding the bumper on).
  • Future star of an episode of Hoarders.
  • Will wear SpongeBob sleepwear on an airplane with no regard to anyone else’s sense of taste.
  • Believes flip-flops are formal attire.
  • In charge of the “expensive beer” at upcoming college parties.
  • Willing to ruin other people’s lives to appear in Rolling Stone feature article.
  • Plays with matches.
  • Decapitates Barbie dolls as a hobby.
  • Regularly listens to the voices in his/her head.
  • Is preserving his high school football jersey in case he makes it to the NFL.
  • Future stripper name:  Dizzy
  • One word for her future – Macramé
  • Most likely to spend her weekends attending scrapbooking seminars.
  • Will own an alpaca farm because it is trendy.
  • Thinks the TV show Moonshiners is career instruction video.
  • Is working on a new strain of pot (FFA Award winner)
  • Will spend the majority of her life looking for “that special guy.”
  • Voted most likely will be that annoying parent on a field trip who talks too much.
  • Sexts himself just because he’s lonely.
  • Will build a highly successful career off the hard work, sweat, toil and suffering of others.
  • Secretly records videos of his neighbors and posts on the web.
  • Is still wearing the same shirt and pants as the first day of high school.
  • Supports non-medical marijuana use, daily, no, hourly.
  • Misuses the word “Brother.”
  • Will one day own four cars, none running, in his front yard.
  • Voted most likely to spend her day surfing WebMD for medical conditions she does not have.
  • Future self-filmed porn star.
  • Runner up for a starring role on Teen Mom.
  • Future stripper name:  Chugs-Alot
  • Future winner of the Uncle Rico look-alike contest.
  • Destined to invest heavily in lotto and casino futures.
  • Believes working at the movie theater is a stepping stone to starring with Ben Affleck.
  • Most expensive piece of clothing:  Tennis Shoes
  • Put the Douche in Douchebag
  • Finds Legos confusing.
  • Life Ambition:  Being a metal band’s roadie
  • Collects dryer lint as a hobby.
  • Voted most likely to own an illegal Rottweiler fighting arena
  • Abuses gerbils in his spare time.
  • Misuses the word “Dude.”
  • Would vote Cloe Kardashian as president.
  • Makes Kanya West seem subtle.
  • Set record number of days in Juvie during his senior year.
  • Least likely to master any form of birth control.
  • Believes she’s a future MILF
  • Poster Child for Mental Health Issues
  • There’s a lot of Fried Chicken, Pizza, Twinkies, and disappointment in her future.
  • Voted Most Likely to be a Celebrity Stalker.
  • Oddly Content
  • Picks and then sniffs his own toe jam
  • Should not work with or near electricity.
  • Reigning county champion in Halo
  • Will rock on even when they should have stopped years ago
  • Believes working at a movie theater is the same as being “in the movie industry.”
  • Is writing a book – that is 65,000 words in on continuous sentence.
  • Destined to annoy us for years in roles at the community theater.
  • Will become a big shot in something pointless.
  • Will sacrifice purchasing healthcare to finance his/her next tattoo.
  • Grows medical marijuana but has not been diagnosed with any illness other than “the munchies.”

 

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