When I was a kid we had little quotes under graduates photographs in the yearbook. Little things like “Voted Most Likely to Succeed.” I always was suspicious of this, since I honestly don’t remember any of us actually voting for this stuff. Then again, I mentally have purged most of my memories of high school in general.
With graduation season just around the corner, I thought I would attempt at a cynical/snarky list of contemporary things that students could be put in a modern yearbook. Enjoy!
- Most likely to live off government welfare (and complain about it.)
- Voted most likely to appear in a compromising act on YouTube.
- Semi-professional instigator.
- Unlikely to move out of parents basement in the foreseeable future…if ever.
- Likely to fail filling out the University of Phoenix entry application.
- Best attempt at alcohol poisoning before the age of 25.
- Best looking in their old letterman jacket ten years from now.
- Most likely to appear on Catfish or Tosh.O
- Future semi-professional pole dancer.
- Most likely to be unable to walk past the Entemann’s display in the grocery store.
- Worst future parent – AKA The Britney Spears Award.
- Most likely to remain terminally bitchy in later life.
- Most likely to die in a meth lab explosion. (Also qualifies for Worst Home Chemist award)
- Leader of the best fight at an upcoming class reunion.
- Most likely to grow up and be a semi-professional asshat (or ambulance chasing lawyer – your choice)
- Most likely to make little out of a life full of bad decisions.
- Most likely to become a bitter social media troll posting angry political posts aimed at offending those of lesser minds.
- Future Walmart department head.
- Poster-child for the terminally geeky.
- Most likely to have children that cut themselves.
- Most likely to drive their future spouse to suicide.
- Best Goth Wannabe.
- Destined to be a bad gym teacher.
- Most likely to appear in an episode of Cops.
- Most likely to appear as a douchebag on an episode of the Bachelor.
- Most likely to be a purification supervisor at the Flint Michigan Water Plant.
- Destined for a career in small town politics or running a used car lot (or both).
- Most likely to be that guy that makes loud noises when working out at the gym.
- Peaked in Junior High.
- Most likely to leave a trail of wrecked souls and crushed dreams throughout her life.
- Still on the run from reality…
- Most likely to be referred to on TV news as: “A quiet loner…I’m not surprised he killed all those people.”
- The guy who takes a penny but never leaves a penny.
- Future Pall Mall spokesperson.
- Most likely to explode with the barista gets their latte order wrong.
- Will pass on his/her bullying skills to another generation.
- Voted most likely to be the champion burrito folder for the Midwest Chipotle restaurants.
- Destined to hold school record for tobacco spitting.
- Potential for being the worst mother in-law in human history.
- Aspires to own a new double-wide.
- Future involuntary bald guy.
- Terminal underachiever.
- Destined to raise children that will burn down the entire neighborhood.
- Future home – in a van down by the river.
- Destined for terminal pregnancy throughout her life.
- Poster-child for Housefrau’s of America
- Future body canvas for horrid tattoo’s.
- Best upcoming mid-life crisis.
- “Would you like fries with that?”
- Most likely to be in the left lane with his/her blinker on going 45 mph oblivious to the world.
- Can’t text and breathe at the same time.
- Believes Breaking Bad is a tutorial.
- Goes commando even when not in vogue.
- Most likely to grow old, alone, with 60-ish cats.
- Destined to nag spouse into suicide.
- Likely to be fired in a sexting scandal in later life.
- Unable to tells the difference between social media and the real world.
- Unlimited career potential…in the prison commissary.
- Looking common sense in the rearview mirror.
- Runs with scissors.
- Future victim of alcohol, bad decisions, and raging hormones.
- Destined to turn lottery tickets into a failed personal retirement program.
- Most likely to have the correct body weight for a 17 foot tall human.
- Future helicopter mother.
- Wears bib overalls with no shirt.
- Future stripper name: Lotsa
- Will always own a car that is at least ten years old.
- Most likely to have bodies buried under the front porch.
- Most likely to have an outstanding collection of NASCAR collector plates.
- Most likely to have his pants sag down just above the knees.
- Will attempt to set the Guinness world record for number of divorces and failed relationships.
- Elementary school bus accident in the making.
- Last words he/she will say, “Here, hold my beer…”
- Will own a winery and likely consume the profit margin.
- This person will leave their bumper stickers on out of pure laziness (that and they are holding the bumper on).
- Future star of an episode of Hoarders.
- Will wear SpongeBob sleepwear on an airplane with no regard to anyone else’s sense of taste.
- Believes flip-flops are formal attire.
- In charge of the “expensive beer” at upcoming college parties.
- Willing to ruin other people’s lives to appear in Rolling Stone feature article.
- Plays with matches.
- Decapitates Barbie dolls as a hobby.
- Regularly listens to the voices in his/her head.
- Is preserving his high school football jersey in case he makes it to the NFL.
- Future stripper name: Dizzy
- One word for her future – Macramé
- Most likely to spend her weekends attending scrapbooking seminars.
- Will own an alpaca farm because it is trendy.
- Thinks the TV show Moonshiners is career instruction video.
- Is working on a new strain of pot (FFA Award winner)
- Will spend the majority of her life looking for “that special guy.”
- Voted most likely will be that annoying parent on a field trip who talks too much.
- Sexts himself just because he’s lonely.
- Will build a highly successful career off the hard work, sweat, toil and suffering of others.
- Secretly records videos of his neighbors and posts on the web.
- Is still wearing the same shirt and pants as the first day of high school.
- Supports non-medical marijuana use, daily, no, hourly.
- Misuses the word “Brother.”
- Will one day own four cars, none running, in his front yard.
- Voted most likely to spend her day surfing WebMD for medical conditions she does not have.
- Future self-filmed porn star.
- Runner up for a starring role on Teen Mom.
- Future stripper name: Chugs-Alot
- Future winner of the Uncle Rico look-alike contest.
- Destined to invest heavily in lotto and casino futures.
- Believes working at the movie theater is a stepping stone to starring with Ben Affleck.
- Most expensive piece of clothing: Tennis Shoes
- Put the Douche in Douchebag
- Finds Legos confusing.
- Life Ambition: Being a metal band’s roadie
- Collects dryer lint as a hobby.
- Voted most likely to own an illegal Rottweiler fighting arena
- Abuses gerbils in his spare time.
- Misuses the word “Dude.”
- Would vote Cloe Kardashian as president.
- Makes Kanya West seem subtle.
- Set record number of days in Juvie during his senior year.
- Least likely to master any form of birth control.
- Believes she’s a future MILF
- Poster Child for Mental Health Issues
- There’s a lot of Fried Chicken, Pizza, Twinkies, and disappointment in her future.
- Voted Most Likely to be a Celebrity Stalker.
- Oddly Content
- Picks and then sniffs his own toe jam
- Should not work with or near electricity.
- Reigning county champion in Halo
- Will rock on even when they should have stopped years ago
- Believes working at a movie theater is the same as being “in the movie industry.”
- Is writing a book – that is 65,000 words in on continuous sentence.
- Destined to annoy us for years in roles at the community theater.
- Will become a big shot in something pointless.
- Will sacrifice purchasing healthcare to finance his/her next tattoo.
- Grows medical marijuana but has not been diagnosed with any illness other than “the munchies.”
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