Office Humor – The Resume’ We All Wish We’d Written

Best Employee Ever

I recently updated my resume’ for the 432nd time in my career.  I do it from time-to-time, just so that it is fresh.  I believe in being prepared at any moment for a new opportunity.

As I finished the task, I started thinking, wouldn’t it be funny to put together a “real world” resume’ that describes jobs as many of them really are?  It would have to be snarky and mostly agnostic to any industry or business.

This is the result.  This is pure fiction – not based at all on my real-world experiences or employers.  Stop trying to read into this – it’s just a bit of creative exercise on my part. It is designed not to slam any particular organization but to offer you all a chuckle or two while activating my humor-oriented brain cells…nothing more.

 Wild “Buck” Pardoe

1313 Mockingbird Lane
Hooterville, Virginia 20106
555-555-1212  (please ring twice, hang up, then call back)

Career Goals: 

A little late for that, don’t you think?  I’m 54 – the  USS Career Goals set sail a long time ago.  Let me worry about that shit – okay?  Just be thankful I’m applying.

Core Attributes:

  • A complete willingness to sell out my few battered remaining principles (not values) to remain gainfully employed.
  • A marginal and often offensive sense of humor which endears me to co-workers of the same ilk and makes me the bane of upper management.
  • An innate ability to detect workplace bullshit and point it out for others amusement and entertainment.
  • A solid understanding of the accounting principles behind and the current balance of my 401K account.

2001 – Present  Position:  Artful Dodger

In this capacity, per my manager, I was responsible for:

  • Getting my manager promoted at the expense of my own dwindling career aspirations.
  • Covering up senior leadership failures, shortcomings, and outright blunders.
  • Producing PowerPoint decks describing the work I wasn’t actually doing because I was busy producing PowerPoint slides.
  • Offer tacit, usually convincing agreement to any lame idea that management put forth.

In my role I successfully create the illusion of offering value to the organization, whilst maintaining a low enough profile to avoid the random waves of layoffs, rightsizings, redistribution of staff, staffing/operating model alterations, or other excuses to reduce the workforce. I was the survivor/victim of eight reorganizations, seven-ish indiscriminate managers forced to take me on, and 48 random changes in strategic direction – all of which I handled with the bare minimum of professionalism and above average cynicism.  The fact that I actually got work down during this period speaks well for my ability to tune out rhetoric/distractions and the strength and effectiveness of the medications that I am on for chronic depression.

I recently honed my leadership skills playing Call of Duty 4, which I treated as meeting the organization’s “required online training” annual goal.  I consumed copious amounts of caffeine and food stolen leftovers from office lunch meetings as my primary means of subsidence during the workday.  My teaming skills were best demonstrated during this period of my career when my Dungeons & Dragons party killed Vorloff, an ancient red dragon, which as you all know is no small feat for sixth level characters, especially a party that was short of a cleric.  I believe these skills carried me well at work as I often am called upon to slay ancient ridiculous ideas.

My competency in meeting attendance and generating the impression that I care about the subject matter is unparalleled.  I am often seen as contributing to the topic at hand when in reality I am often simply restating what someone else has already said.

In the last year along I was chucked under the bus on six projects for pointing out that the lack of sponsorship, leadership, and common sense.   As such I have gained new perspectives on scapegoating and deflecting blame which I believe is grooming me for future success. I have also learned the intricacies of bus transmission systems – so I have that going for me.

I work well under pressure, which is more of a survival tactic than a true business skill.  I have demonstrated an ability in forming teams of peers in cooperative/collaborative work groups; mostly so we can share our mutual misery and gripe about our lack of opportunities and personal growth.  We have formed a shadow-organization (we call ourselves the Legion of Doom) in our department, ensuring that information is shared between teams and that quality is maintained, mostly because the formal communication channels and leaders are so horribly broken, it was necessary.  We essentially are running the entire department under the radar or knowledge of management.  As such we are secretly “keeping the lights on” in our organization, despite the efforts of leadership to hamstring our efforts.  Our determination to keep things operating speaks to the fact that management has not yet fully shattered our souls, spirits, and dreams.  We call that, “Winning!”

Clearly I am one of the smartest individuals on most of the teams I work on but that is only in comparison to my peers and their general level of apathy.  Another perspective on this:  Our recruiting techniques leave a great deal to be desired. Being perceived as more intelligent than average has proven to be a strong asset and useful in preventing my career from advancing.

I have recently learned how to deflect my own personal failings onto others, which has streamlined project reporting by 46.8%.  I have also learned the importance of generating random data points (such as the percentage above) to create the impression that I have actually calculated things out precisely.   You bought it – right?

Delegating the majority of my work and a general cynical perspective is also a suite of activities that I openly embrace and have perfected.

My communications skills are on-par with anyone that has been wearing a straightjacket and confined to a padded cell (cubicle) for the last 15 years.  My power to lace my messages with ISA’s (Important Sounding Acronyms) creates a sense of comfort with many managers in the department.

I work on global teams meaning I’m expected to take meetings at bizarre, often inhuman times and smile while doing it.  I not only must interpret what others are saying in six different languages, but I have to fake caring for the same.

I bring this, “please don’t smother me in my sleep” attitude to your new opportunity!

1995-2001   Position: Target of Mid-Level Management Abuse

Assembled and led numerous teams composed of contributors with marginal interpersonal skills, weak communications competencies, non-existent leadership skills, questionable technical abilities, and incredibly (some astronomically) large egos.  Some individuals I teamed with were not only fugitives from the law of averages, but they lacked an understanding of basic physics or the ability to count above the number ten.  While I managed these interpersonal challenges, I also coordinated an abnormal number of budget cuts, weekly changing priorities, and scope-creep which was so monumental that it was deserving of some sort of award.

In this capacity, I also suffered the slings and arrows of leadership’s abuse for not delivering on time, despite all of the factors outlined above.  The fact that I am still alive today is testament to my recollection of where the bodies are buried.

In this role, I organized the confused; aligned the diverse; educated the ignorant; calmed the irrational; covered for the incompetent; baffled the leaders; exceeded the unreasonable; navigated the confusing; quelled a tempest-level-shitstorm of frustration; led the brain-damaged; diffused the frustrated;  and documented progress where it didn’t exist.  I am pleased to say I earned a solid three-out-of-five performance rating (Meets Expectations!) of which, I am exceedingly proud.  To say that this provided me with an exceeding amount of motivation would be an understatement.

I traveled on business trips to such exciting locales as Cleveland, Ohio in the winter and Newark, New Jersey in the summer.  While peers padded their frequent flyer and credit card point accounts I simply longed to return home.  I participated in numerous after-hours, mandatory teaming events.  These were highly useful in identifying the boot-lickers in the department and I became adept at pretending these events were “fun.”

While performing these duties my “teams” successfully implemented obsolete technology, marketing it as “bleeding edge” stuff to our end-users.  My willingness to subscribe to this blatant lie while totally selling out my professional principles clearly put me on the leadership path in my career. I have so adopted this lack-of-spine-state that I no longer can discern between reality and fiction…which has served me well over the years.  I also developed the competency of identifying both smoke and mirrors in other’s representations of their work.

Thank God I discovered social media during this stage of my life as it occupies a great deal of my thinking during the day.  I post under several different identities just to confuse our information security department.

Summary:   I saw this as my “deconstruction” years of my career.

1990-1995  Position:  Idealistic/Foolish Dreamer

When I started here, I cared. Then things changed, about an hour after employee orientation. Our organization’s motto should have been a clue:  “Give us six months and we will devour your mortal soul.”

In this role my responsibilities included, but were not limited to:  Attending meetings for which I had no idea why I was there; listening to my manager rant about how stupid her manager was; having my job change six times in the first two years for absolutely no reason; and watched as others who were not able to tie their own shoes were skyrocketed above me because of their skills at kissing ass.  This was an enlightening experience that prepared me for a mid-level management position…just enough authority to be dangerous, all of the responsibility, but none of the authority.

While lesser people might have packed their bags and quit, I developed a “Can-do!” attitude.  Once leadership took note of that I was appropriately disciplined and ordered to replace “Can-do!” with “Shut-the-fuck-up-and-suck-it-up!”  This completed my management orientation period and made me feel as if I had sold my soul for a bi-weekly paycheck.  I would feel guilty about it if not for the scars that I have earned.

I became a harvester of other people’s bad decisions, though in fairness, most of these decisions were simply dumped on my desk to resolve.  I innovated several reporting dashboards that upper management demands on a weekly basis but has not used actual data in the last two years.  I consider this part of my “innovation” skill-suite.

Hobbies and Interests:

I am currently am exploring taking up chronic alcoholism and am working to get my name on the Do Not Fly List so I no longer have to do business travel to exciting locations such as Newark, New Jersey or Cleveland, Ohio.  Several people recently have asked, “Are you smoking crack?” so I am also considering taking that up as well.

Based on a documentary I watched called Breaking Bad, I believe I might start up my own meth-lab.  It has to be safer than working in my current role – and potentially more rewarding.  If that doesn’t work, I hope to be the subject of a Netflix Documentary, “Workplace Shooter – the Buck Pardoe Story.”

Thanks to my career, I have become proficient at cutting myself; making shanks in my spare time; and taking up amateur tattooing.

I am also a semi-pro astronaut, a licensed walrus castrator, and a notary.

Willing to Relocate!

One thought on “Office Humor – The Resume’ We All Wish We’d Written

  1. Pingback: Coping with a Reorganization – A Quick Guide – Notes From The Bunker

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s