Linkedin is constantly sending me jobs that they believe I am interested in or qualified for. I look because, well, everyone should always be looking. At the same time I cannot help but wonder, does Linkedin know something that I don’t? The paranoia is very real.
As I read many of these, you see patterns – certain phrases that turn up over and over. As a veteran of the Cubicle Wars, I also know pure bullshit when I see it in a job description. So the following is snippets from actual Linkedin job descriptions and my own snarky/funny/grim interpretations of those. Enjoy!
“Some travel is to be expected.” A LOT of inconvenient travel is expected. We are going to send you to luxurious locales such as Newark, New Jersey to do your job. PS. We will force you to take these trips with no notice. You didn’t really want a life outside of work did you?
“Must be a proficient multi-tasker.” We are going to bury your ass in pointless work and unreasonable deadlines. Then we will complain when you don’t get 46 hours of work done in 8 hours’ time.
“Candidate must be a self-starter. ” We have no functional leadership. Zip, zero, nada. We are going to give you no direction whatsoever. We’re counting on you to know what needs to be done (until it comes time to critique it.)
“Must be deadline driven.” We expect you to work 24 x 7. Don’t plan on any days off.
“You will be expected to partner with our people.” We will provide you with an out of date org chart and you must then fend for yourself.
“Looking for an aggressive go-getter.” 1. A certain amount of douchbaggery is acceptable in our culture and expected with this position. 2. We expect you to crush as lot of careers and dash a lot of hopes in accepting this position.
“Candidate must have a great deal of flexibility.” We will be giving you conflicting orders, deadlines, and priorities. Moreover you are not allowed to complain about it. Good luck!
“You must have experience working in a matrixed organization.” You will have multiple managers with conflicting objectives, expectations, and timelines.
“Creative work environment.” We make stuff up as we go.
“You must have an established track record in (fill in the blank).” We anticipate you racked up a body count at your current employer while meeting your goals and expect more of the same.
“Must have in-depth industry knowledge.” The ability to bullshit and drop industry buzzwords and acronyms will serve as a substitute for actual expertise in this job.
“Applicant must be self-directed.” 1. No one is going to give you direction, guidance, assistance, or help as you are thrown to the wolves. 2. We have no time for your petty little questions. 3. Our “leaders” couldn’t organize a good bowel movement.
“Experience in a collaborative environment a must.” Everyone here will want to weigh in and criticize your work. “Do you really think an Ariel 14 point font is the best to convey your message?”
“Seeking an eager candidate.” We are looking to hire someone in their 20’s. Older applicants will be completely ignored.
“Demonstrable ability to resolve complex system or business issues…” You won’t believe how screwed up we are. Don’t get me started on how bad our clients are either! That’s okay, we expect you to come in and fix years’ worth of fu*k ups. No pressure eh?
“Must be comfortable with public speaking and facilitating group discussions with senior executives.” We want you to go and meet with our leaders and explain to them what business we are in, who are customers are, and why their ideas are wrong. Good luck with that.
“Ability to work in a dynamic environment a plus.” We are in a constant state of reorganization. You’ve been warned. PS. That person that is hiring you is on the chopping block but doesn’t know it yet.
“Experience Managing People.” Experience managing contractors.
“Candidate must be comfortable with public speaking to senior leaders.” You will be preparing a lot of PowerPoint slides and reading them to people who are far too busy to take the time to read them on their own.”
“Ability to handle multiple priorities.” We are going to dump a shitload of work on you – all due on the same day.
“Experience working with global teams.” You will be expected to take phone calls at 4am and 11pm with people you cannot understand.
“Applying research and analytical skills to support thought leadership…” You are allowed to use Google and Wikipedia to look up buzzwords we don’t fully understand.
“Candidate must have public sector experience.” You will be working for a beltway bandit as a pitiless contractor in the Federal Government…may God have mercy on your soul.
“Experience working with human capital…” You will be expected to work with actual people face-to-face rather than work remotely from home.
“Structuring approaches to solving discrete problems…” We are hiring someone to fix our existing and future fu*k-ups.
“Use effective communication expertise to solicit feedback…” You are to be the customer’s whipping boy (or gal) for every mistake that was made by our company.
“Ability to train and coach diverse teams in relation to governance, processes and best practice.” You will be inheriting a team of broken souls and crushed dreams and are expected to fix them, despite the abuse that has been inflicted on them by your predecessor.
“Proven experience identifying and analyzing problems with the ability to make recommendations for solving these challenges.” We don’t want to hear about your little problems; just fix it.
“You will be working in a challenging, complex and highly demanding environment.” You will be experiencing chaos and mayhem starting on day one and it will not get any better.
“Enthusiastic individual sought…” We expect you to be happy no matter how bad the abuse is.
“Develop and review complex spreadsheets to analyze data and develop specific recommendations.” Maybe you can make some sense out of this data…we sure can’t.
“Coordinate with other organizations/teams to accomplish goals.” Your success is dependent on your peers, which means you are screwed.
“Research, develop, and execute industry business plans…” This is our way of saying, “We have no idea what we are in business for or how to deliver to our customers. We’re counting on you figuring that out for us.”
“The ability to communicate respectfully and with tact.” No yelling in the office. That’s what got the last person that held this job fired. We’re still paying on that lawsuit.
“Executive presentation skills a must.” You will be using PowerPoint a lot. A LOT. Since your audience is executive-level, much of your work will be taking complex things and turning them into confusing graphics that look well-thought out.
“Become a thought leader in __________” We are counting on you figuring out what we are hiring you to do.
“…forward thinking…” We need at least one person in our organization that knows which way is up and you could be him/her!
“Assist proposal managers and capture managers in developing/maintaining and communicating storylines, schedules, plans, outlines, assignments, baselines, and storyboards to the team.” YOU will be doing all of the work while the proposal and capture managers criticize it and claim credit for your efforts.
“Must have deep analytical skills.” We have a lot of data but have no idea what it all means. You will be expected to tell us what it means, so we can then question the data’s validity.
“Experience in working in, or leading, dynamic global teams.” To make your position more challenging, all of the people you must work with are scattered across the planet. Don’t plan on getting any sleep once you hire on.
“Candidate must possess exceptional written communications skills.” As your manager, I see myself as a much better writer than you will ever be. No matter how perfect your work, I intend to slow it down with an endless series of markups and revisions that will slowly drive you insane. Welcome aboard!
“Must possess certification in/by ____________” We don’t care if you can do it, we just want to know that your former employer spent the time and money to send you to training to learn how to do it.
“Other duties as assigned.” We are SO going to bury your ass in work. You won’t be seeing daylight for months.
“Translate and synthesize information from SMEs into a message that targeted audiences can understand, while maintaining the technical accuracy and completeness of the intended response.” You will be forced to meet with highly technical people who cannot communicate, so that you can suck out of them their knowledge and turn it into something that is understandable. All the while the highly technical people will criticize what you do, as will those that receive your work product.
“Ability to perform with grace and efficiency under pressure.” Don’t you dare bitch about the crappy way we are going to treat you or I swear we will make your life a living hell for punishment.
“A wide degree of creativity and latitude is expected in performing analytics duties…” You will be expected to make shit up on the fly.
“Experience in process improvement.” We are so messed up that we need a fresh set of eyes to tell us what to fix. Of course we will be ignoring your input, but we still expect it.”
“Participate in business development efforts…” You will be expected to take orders from the sales and marketing teams and support any of their lies or deceptions to the customer, regardless of how ridiculous they may be.
“Take charge of company performance…” We need a fall guy for our horrible sales numbers – and you’re applying to be that guy!
“Enhance our Business Development Lifecycle…” You are going to be in sales.
“Define and visualize business strategy.” You will need to figure out what we should be doing, then put it on a single PowerPoint slide.
“Re-engineer processes to improve delivery.” Your role will be to unfu*k all of the stuff your predecessor screwed up.
“Must possess a strong sense of urgency about solving problems.” When things go wrong, and they will, we will be yelling at you to fix them.