Humorous Mission Statements for the Real World

missionstatement

I find the entire concept of mission statements to be one of those wonderful and pointless expenditures of time that organizations yearn to waste.  Anything written by more than two people is often so generic, so nebulous, so vague – that it means nothing.  Many have the same basic terms – “innovation,” “quality,” “customer,” “value,” which makes them essentially meaningless.  Some organizations strive to cram so much crap into their mission statement that it comes across like the ramblings of that guy who is panhandling at the Metro stop.  Mission statements are the definition of corporate white noise.

In my career I have never met anyone that was “inspired” by a mission statement.  If mission statements didn’t exist at all, nothing would change.  At best, they serve as a signposts for the employees to mock every time the organization violates them. At worst they are rambling paragraphs of gibberish created by a managerial committee.  Yet despite this, most departments and organizations as a whole spend considerable time crafting these garbled and confusing sentences that would cause your high school English teacher to suffer a mild stroke.

As a sidebar, those mission statements that capitalize certain words are written by a particular inbred, so-called leaders that lack two functioning brain cells.

So, I took it upon myself to craft a few of my own, aimed at being funny. These are not tied to any organization, fictional or real, and any similarities with real companies are coincidental (and funny).  Some are for companies – while others can be applied to departments.  Share and enjoy.

  • Our team’s function is to make ourselves look important by slowing down the work you do in a demonstration of the pseudo-authority we possess.
  • We are an assembly of random teams and staff with nothing in common who exist but whose value is not fully understood or appreciated – even by our own leadership.
  • Our mission is to make everyone else look bad by pointing out their mistakes and flaws so that we look better.
  • Our team exists to do all of the shit-work that no one else is willing to do.
  • The primary focus of our team is to get our leader promoted to another position of quasi-importance so that we hopefully will get someone sane to take his/her place.
  • The mission of our team is to be an example that you should NOT emulate.
  • Our team’s primary function is to produce PowerPoint slides that numb the senses and dull human thought, yet are strikingly beautiful.
  • Our shit doesn’t stink.  Chances are yours does.  We intend to make money off of that.
  • Our DNA is coded so that the customer comes first, well, right after all of our petty internal stuff.  Trust me, the customer is right up there in the top five…maybe ten, things we are focused on.
  • Our mission statement is to make sure leadership believes we are valuable, indispensable, unable to be outsourced, and critical to the survival of the organization.  We are none of these things, but we are relying on leadership incompetence to fill that void.
  • We put our customers first, unless of course they have their heads up their asses – in which case we will look for an appropriate scapegoat to blame.
  • Our organization believes that a fool and their money are soon parted.
  • Our mission is to be an industry leader so we can spend our time and effort fending off and overreacting to our competition who is squarely set on taking us down.
  • We innovate, collaborate, create, vacillate, procrastinate, pontificate, deliberate, guesstimate, and under-deliver daily to our clientele.
  • We put the “W” in Qwality.
  • We recognize that our people are the core of what we do and how we interact with customers – so we aim to make them as miserable as humanly possible.
  • Our mission is to provide you with technological solutions created in a foreign country by people who have no idea what you need, delivered on obsolete platforms with marginal support.  Note: This replaces our former mission statement, ‘Leader in rebooting the world’s hard drives.”
  • If you want it fast and high quality, you clearly aren’t dealing with us.
  • (From a HR department)  We are all about talent, and ensuring that the talent does not have a case that will stand up in court or arbitration.
  • Usability and the end-user experience is what we say it is.
  • We recruit the very best people in the world to service our clients…and crush their souls.
  • Our mission is to be paid on time or sooner if possible.
  • (From an information security department).  Our mission is to remove the human factor from technology, and the technology from the humans.  It’s the only way to be really secure.
  • We suck less than our competitors and much less than our market peers/colleagues.
  • Our mission is to not execute a major fu*k up that can be traced back to our team.
  • Our organization is dedicated to finding anyone in our target market who is a moron in a financial decision making capacity and exploiting their lack of intelligence.
    It is the mission of our team to survive the chaos, carnage, and catastrophic bad planning that is prevalent in our organization.
  • We believe that people are our most important asset…and that beating people makes them tougher and stronger.  Crushing their souls makes them invincible.
  • We start with bad data and go downhill from there.
  • To inspire our junior staff to seek opportunities elsewhere.
  • We make our money the old fashioned way, leveraging the horrific mistakes and outright paranoia of our customers.
  • We strive to under-promise and over-deliver – which means you cannot trust any estimates we give you.
  • Our mission is to innovate by taking other people’s ideas and repackaging them as our own.
  • When you think about us, you should only think of the propaganda we have pushed into the market.
  • We believe in whatever social causes will help us generate new revenue.
  • Our goal is to be the name most recognized with the least screw-ups in our industry segment.
  • We are experts in claiming to be experts.
  • Our mission is to complete the mind-numbing tasks that no one else is willing to undertake under the guise of “consulting.”
  • To connect our customers to innovative thoughts that we have artfully lifted from our competition.
  • We exist to be underappreciated, misunderstood, devalued, and often abused.  And we do it with a SMILE.
  • To empower people to connect to other more idiotic people and share their silly little ideas.
  • To share ideas without barriers…well, those ideas that legal has signed off on.
  • Our mission is to accelerate customers buying the stuff we sell.
  • To organize the world’s information and pimp it to you with a copious amount of advertisement.
  • Improving the lives of the people of the world by pushing products they don’t need or don’t work.
  • Creating perceived value from the insignificant for over 100 years.
  • If there is any fault in the services we provide, we will make it right or kill the scapegoat as an example to the others.
  • Our mission is to facilitate the transfer of money from your accounts to our back pockets with a minimal amount of resistance and the maximum amount of inspiration.
  • Attract and retain the best talent for our customers – until they make too much, then their jobs are off to India.
  • Provide the highest level of service for the least amount of effort.
  • We are a stiff and strict company with a casual dress code that assists in recruiting.
  • Our organization is dedicated to the proposition that our customers are less intelligent than we are.
  • Our operating principles are centered on the concept that employees should do what they are told and no one will get hurt.
  • Our mission is to open new markets that have not heard about our reputation for failure yet.
  • You will never pin it on us.
  • We are so greedy, we would sell meth if we thought we could get away with it.
  • Our mission is to create buzzwords and catch-phrases that sound important, then sell services aimed at correcting those same buzzwords in our client’s organizations.
  • If we could sell our employees’ souls we would do so for a solid revenue stream.
  • Our team’s mission is to have the most glamorous PowerPoint decks within the company.
  • We will pummel you about the head until you understand.
  • We tap the best minds in the business to attack your solutions…so if there’s a problem, we have someone else to blame.
  • Our goal is to change the world…into something that we can make more money on.
  • Our mission is to devise creative and complex solutions to make up for lack of leadership.
  • We take potentially dangerous chemicals and parts of animals, combine them in ungodly ways to sell them to consumers as food.  (From the fast food industry).
  • Ignorance on the part of our customers and insatiable greed on our part make for a potent combination of products and services.

And the winner:

We are rigidly focused on the following EIGHT ideals:

  1. We will DOMINATE the market with repackaged ideas and concepts.
  2. We CARE about the planet and recycling in all of the literature we print.
  3. We SPONSOR things to make us seem like good people.
  4. We believe in DIVERSITY so long as it does not upset our current management structure.
  5. We put our CUSTOMER’S FIRST; at least that what we tell them.
  6. We bring the highest QUALITY products and services to the market and support them with third world class service.
  7. We believe PEOPLE ARE OUR GREATEST ASSET and also our biggest liability, hence the way we treat them.

You can always check out my book – Business Rules for more snarky office humor.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s