When you hit my age (55 ish) you start to realize a little bit about your own mortality. I even wrote a book about my life’s knowledge for my grandson (The Life Book: A Grandfather’s Gift) Yes, I wrote a whole long list of funny stuff just as a means to plug a book. So kill me…oh…
I don’t fear death at all, it is wasted effort. I view my funeral as my last chance to make people smile – if only for a moment. If not smile, then feel a bit uncomfortable. I like thinking that only I could put the fun in funeral. So here’s my list of things I want said or done at my funeral. Feel free to pick any three after I’m gone:
One of the people in this room is responsible for Blaine’s death…you know who you are…
Blaine wanted all of you to know that he’s not funding a buffet dinner afterwards. You get a show, not a meal.
He is gone to that place where all lost socks disappear to – the great beyond.
His final last words were, ‘The treasure is buried under the–”
The family insists he’s not really dead. He is simply playing possum.
He asked that you all donate money in his name to the Society of Writer’s Faking Their Deaths.
The deceased has asked that the remainder of the eulogy be done in Klingon.
He wanted you all to know that his wife is cremating him to hide the evidence.
This is an awkward time to bring this up, but Blaine insisted that anyone attending pay a cover charge.
The irony is he is wearing a suit he never really liked.
His last words were, “I set the bomb to go off at–”
His final words were, “I intend to haunt one of you…you know who you are.”
He has asked that on his tombstone they carve, “I honestly expected this carved on a pyramid…”
He wanted me to say, “If you are thinking of dating my wife, I will come back you bastard!”
Mrs. Pardoe has asked that you not poke him to make sure this isn’t a practical joke. She has already checked.
His last wish was for a smoking hot body – and it looks like he’s going to get that. Cremation is at noon tomorrow.
He wanted everyone to know that a life of avoiding manual labor actually paid off.
His last wish was that his ashes be shared with everyone attending today. Your ziplock baggies of Blaine will be arriving in the next two weeks or so.
Blaine said that he came into this room with a ring on his left hand and he damn well better leave this room with it, or you’re all going to get frisked.
Mr. Pardoe laid out the agenda for this funeral prior to his death. There will be a break in 10 minutes while the stripper poles are installed…
On his grave marker, he asked that the following be inscribed, “I thought there would be cookies…”
Blaine will be frozen in Carbonite and hanging on his wife’s wall after this ceremony, should any of you wish to come and visit him.
Mr. Pardoe has asked that his tombstone have the line, “The wireless service down here sucks,” added to it.
He has asked that none of you cry. He passed on his katra to a good friend and will be returned to Mt. Selaya on Vulcan after this ceremony.
If you check under your seats, one of you will find an envelope with the name of Blaine’s killer in it.
Mr. Pardoe had just surfaced new information for a book on the Kennedy assassination, and now he is dead. Make of that what you will.
The use of flash photography, holy water, and video footage has been expressly banned at the request of the deceased.
Mr. Pardoe wanted me to say that you should all take out your phones and unfriend him on Facebook and stop following him on Twitter. He tweetith no more.
Blaine has asked to quote from The Lord of the Rings: “”I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.”
(Have the funeral director look at my body). Did anyone else see his arm move?
Blaine wanted all of you to know that this is all a grave mistake.
He has asked that his tombstone be inscribed with the words, “This is what happens when you finally win an argument with your wife.”
Today’s eulogy will be followed with a viewing of Star Trek II The Wrath of Khan, Director’s Cut, with Commentary – Blaine’s parting gift to you all. “You’re welcome!”
He asked that his leadership team from his office in New Jersey act as pall bearers so that they could let him down one more time.
Blaine asked for one more joke. (Close the coffin lid) It begins, “Knock Knock…”
I would continue on with this eulogy, but he indicated that by now, most of you would be bored and wondering if there was an open bar afterwards, so let me wrap this up.
Blaine has asked that the following be inscribed on his tombstone, “It is a lot darker and hotter down here than I expected.”
(Put a cell phone in my pocket on speaker and call it during the prayer). Someone leave a message, “Hi Blaine – oh, there you are! I was just leaving you a message…” then hang up.
Blaine would like to say that drinks afterwards are half-price for the ladies.
Blaine asked that those of you who borrowed his tools over the years, please return them to his wife.
The family wants everyone here to know that this final request, a 21 gun salute, cannot be fulfilled because he asked that it be done with tanks, live ammunition, and that the US Capitol be downrange.
Mrs. Pardoe wants everyone to know that Blaine will be buried with an air compressor, the worst Christmas gift he ever gave her.
Blaine’s last words were, “Hold this beer and watch this…”
I was just informed prior to this eulogy that it has already received at 97% on Rotten Tomatoes and is already up for a Golden Globe Award.
The music you hear playing in the background was chosen specifically by Blaine. His co-workers will recognize it as the waiting music for conference calls. It is his last bit of revenge for all of those times you showed up late for calls and he had to listen to this muzac.
He wanted all of you to know his final confession, it was not the dog that was farting all of those years. Sorry Maya.
Blaine’s life was cut far too short by a Highlander driving a sword through him…there can only be one.
Mr. Pardoe never was a believer in organized religion, but just in case, we will be replaying his funeral as a Jewish and Muslim ceremonies at 3 and 5 respectively this afternoon – just to hedge his bets.
He has asked that the following be carved on his grave marker: “A Life Well Lived – Unfortunately There Will Be No Sequel.”
The family wants you to know that he has asked to be buried wearing flame retardant underwear. Read into that whatever you will about his final resting place.
Blaine asked that he be buried in a Starfleet uniform but, as you can clearly see, his wife got in the last word on that…though she has assured me it too will be burned in a separate ceremony later this afternoon at their house.
His only regret is the Steve still hasn’t finished work on the patio in the back yard.
He has asked that on his grave marker, the words, “You’re standing on my crotch.”
Blaine asked that a set of his red gaming dice be buried with him, “Because those bastards never failed to let me down.”
He would like to point out that even with him being dead, this eulogy is better than The Last Jedi.
Blaine wanted me to tell you all the following: This is merely the next phase of his evil plan unfolding exactly as he planned. You’ve been warned. Mwah hah ha ha.
I want the following songs played as background music, just to make everyone uncomfortable or make them smile:
- Celebration – Kool and the Gang
- Wake me up before you go-go – Wham
- Stayin’ Alive – Bee Gees
- Another one bites the dust – Queen
- Highway to Hell – AC/DC
While you all may have a good time at this show, Mr. Pardoe wants to remind you, “You may be next!”
Blaine wanted me to say this to all of you. “I’ve written about a lot of true crime cold cases. This may look accidental, but I insist you do an autopsy to be sure.”
Just to upset the visitors, I want a replica Viking longboat parked out in front of the funeral home, along with a row of archers.
I want one of my friends to lean over my open coffin and say, “Hey, he came in here with a watch!” Then look over the visitors with a slow accusatory glare.
Please have the entire back row of eulogy filled with people wearing clowns. Don’t say anything as to why they are there. I just want to freak people out.
A line of Irish folk dancers that appear (complete with Riverdance music) mid-eulogy and tap dance across the front of the room unannounced would confuse and daze those in attendance. Please arrange.
Put seven or eight shovels along the wall. If anyone asks, “Well, to save money, Blaine is going to ask for volunteers to dig his grave. Say, you look like you’re in good shape…”
To any BattleTech fans, Blaine wanted me to say the following, “It’s all true – the Star League, the Clans, everything!”