Things to do to Annoy Your Dungeon Master (and other players) – D&D Humor

DM1

 

With Gen Con looming next week, I started pondering things that could be done to irritate dungeon masters and other players.  Now, I would never encourage anyone to try any of these.  They are written solely to give you a laugh.  Also, if you are a player at my table and try any of this – you are SO TOAST.

Enjoy and share!

  • Insist on looking up every spell, rule, etc., regardless of how trivial – then read them out loud, to the benefit and ire of everyone.
  • Take your time selecting the right die to roll, like five minutes.
  • Bring your phone to the game and spend an equal amount of gameplay sending texts – including to other players and the DM.
  • When you defeat an enemy, take their miniature, drop it to the floor, then stomp on it – hard.  “Take that!”
  • Insist on regular “pencil inspections.”
  • Accuse another person at the table of having loaded dice.  Demand a statistical test of 100 roles to prove it.
  • Insult the dungeon master in-character.  ‘Douchebag.”  “Did you just call me a douchebag?”  “No, that was my character talking to himself.”
  • When your dice fail, set fire to them – AT THE TABLE.
  • Quote rules accurately – from other game systems than the one you are playing.
  • Shake your dice for a minimum of 30 seconds before each roll.
  • Critique how other players or the dungeon master have painted their miniatures.  “I would have used a Strong Tone wash, but that’s just because I think appearance is important.  I guess you were going for more of a third grade result with that orc.”
  • Deliberately roll your die so it goes off the table – and then always say, “Critical Hit!” when you pick up.
  • Insist that other players keep their “cursed dice” away from yours.
  • Take a victory lap around the table every time you are victorious.  Insist the other players follow you.
  • Misuse pop culture references, preferably at the wrong time.
  • Only respond with questions.  “Are you using your long sword?”  “What makes you think that?”  “I need to know what weapon you are using.”  “What do you think I’m using?”
  • Go out of your way to jostle dice on the table after rolling in hopes of a better result.
  • Use a character creator app on your phone but don’t print out your sheet for the game.
  • Use an ink pen for your character sheet, and re-copy it after every encounter.  “Just a few more minutes guys…”
  • Bring your own dry-erase marker to alter the maps drawn by the dungeon master…during the battle.  “There’s no tree there!”  “There is now!”
  • Bring your own musical accompaniment on your phone and play it when it will be the most disruptive.
  • Break out playing cards and poker chips and use them during combat as if they have some sort of game impact but explain nothing.  Example:  When you take a hit, count out a number of chips and toss them down in front of the DM.
  • Demand the Dungeon Master, “show me that rule,” on every action in the game.
  • Paint your miniatures – during the game.
  • Come up with your own character classes.
  • Experiment with the amount of cologne you can wear just prior to the start of play.
  • Blatantly “borrow” (steal) dice from others at the table.
  • Eat two cans of beans three hours prior to the start of play.  (Remember Blazing Saddles?)  Corollary:  Ask other players to pull your finger – often.
  • (For US Players) Start using the metric system for all measurements.
  • Move your miniature, then move it back.  Then move it a different direction, then move it back.  Do this no less than eight times for every move you do – never taking your fingers off the mini.
  • Inform your other players what they did wrong in the previous turn.  Make a point to rub their nose in it.  “Only a real moron would have done what you did…”
  • Doze off.
  • Leave the game to go to the bathroom — and take the rules book with you.  Eeww…
  • Every time you roll a hit, say, “As foretold in the prophesy…”
  • Your first action in any city should be to plot burning it to the ground.
  • Three words – Lick Your Dice. Four words:  Lick the DM’s dice.
  • Cast magic spells that do not exist.  “But I have Orc Explosion in my spell slot…”
  • When in a city, insist on purchasing a 12 foot pole, “because 10 feet is never enough.”
  • Map your parties progress, on a four-by-four foot square piece of graph paper.
  • Doodle on the game map.  Use a Sharpee.
  • Refer to all of the other player’s characters as “Moron.”  “So If I understand what Moron is saying, we should search this room for traps.”
  • Deliberately pick the wrong dice to roll, then question it when someone catches you.  “Are you sure that’s not a D12?”
  • Have your character play dead every time there is an encounter.
  • When your character is in a local tavern, immediately poison the beer and wine even the drinks of the members of your party.
  • Switch chairs with anyone at the table that goes to the bathroom or leaves the room…act as if nothing odd has taken place.
  • Wear a hat the symbolizes your character.  If you don’t own a hat, make one at the table.
  • Play a bard and sing any of your responses to any questions you have – even if the songs don’t rhyme.
  • Bring the wrong rule book for the game but constantly be flipping through it as if you are looking for something in particular.
  • When you quote from the rules book, hold it upside down.
  • Don’t move on from a room in a dungeon until you have checked every crack and crevice at least five times.
  • Challenge the DM every time you defeat an enemy.  “Really?  That’s all you’ve got – some lame ogre?  Throw something at us that can actually do some damage.”
  • Look into the space and not respond until questioned.  When prodded, respond, “Sorry…this theater of the mind was boring, I was looking for a new channel…”
  • Tell the dungeon master to “grow a pair” when your character defeats a monster.
  • Whenever the dungeon master starts providing flavor text, IAIA  – Interrupt and immediately attack.
  • Bring coconuts shells to the game and clop them together every time your character mounts a horse to ride (ala Monty Python).
  • Point out the historical errors in armor and weapons in your game.  “You know the broadsword would not have been available in the same period as the cutlass…”
  • Refuse to be drawn in with all obvious plot hooks.  “Save the princess?  Screw her, she got herself into that tower, she can get her ass out on her own.  Why would I risk my life for her?”
  • When you get a bad die roll, use a Sharpee to change the number to a more favorable one.
  • Create colorful backstories for your characters that create nothing but problems for the other players and the DM/GM.  “Oh, my character screams any time he witnesses magic being used.”
  • Play inappropriate sound effects from your phone at critical points during the session.   (I leave the definition of “inappropriate” in your hands.)
  • Create your own character classes, skills, talents, etc., without the foreknowledge of anyone at the table.  “I’ve got this guys, my character is a Fifth Level Mime.”
  • Have your character speak in the voice of:
    • Scooby Doo (or Shaggy)
    • Gilbert Gottfried
    • Casey Kasem
    • Any of the cast of Family Guy (except Meg)
    • Harry Caray
    • Lurch
    • Ronald Reagan
    • Bozo the Clown
    • Adam West
  • Creature your own units of measurement and call out distances in those.  “I am 32 half-heads away, so I should be in range.”
  • Use finger-paints to record damage or treasure on your character sheet.  “I use red for hit points because it’s the color of blood…”
  • Incorporate visual effects such as fireworks, smoke bombs, etc, into your role playing.
  • For every hit point your character takes, do a shot of tequila.  When you are healed, make yourself throw up.
  • Call “Dibs” every time a creature is killed.  Proclaim it loudly!
  • Instead of miniatures, use live insects to represent monsters.
  • Create a new feat – pyromania – and use it.
  • Say, “That’s not how we do it in my gaming group,” when this is the ONLY gaming group you play in.
  • Claim you always have advantage.  When pressed, get creative.  “I have advantage because my character was dipped in awesome sauce as a child.”
  • Claim you want to rest up for a night’s sleep, every hour on the hour.
  • Twenty-minutes into play tell the DM, “Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t make it tonight to play.”  Remain seated.
  • Harvest pointless organs from your victims.  “Would you like to see my collection of orc sweat glands?”
  • Use a paintball gun with red paint to simulate damage to the party by shooting the other players…(PS.  They really hate this one.)
  • Wear a t-shirt that reads, “My Dungeon Master Sucks,” to the game session.
  • Proclaim “I loot the body!” before the battle begins – every time.
  • Initiate a belching contest at the game table mid-session.
  • Have your bard practice music during his watch at night to deprive the other players characters their rest.  “So the bagpipes are not soothing to sleep by?  Good to know…”  (Technically speaking, playing a bard is irritating enough.)

2 thoughts on “Things to do to Annoy Your Dungeon Master (and other players) – D&D Humor

  1. “Bring your own musical accompaniment on your phone and play it when it will be the most disruptive.”

    I played a Street Sam with the Distinct Personality trait that broke out an Ares Thunderstroke gauss rifle when the run could go south hard. Every time he powered up the rifle I (both in character and out) would start playing Thunderstruck.

  2. Pingback: Waterdeep: Dragon Heist – Session 13 – Game Night Blog

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