Workplace Humor – Things we send in email and what they really mean

My buddy Kevin (Dude) sent me three of these last week.  I decided to harvest my own inbox and expand the list.  Note:  These interpretations are my own and in now way reflect my employer, co-workers, etc.  If any of my colleagues recognize the use of these phrases, well, that’s on you.    

•  “I have attached this slide deck to assist you in understanding…”  You are so stupid, I prepared supplemental material with pretty pictures to make it easier for you. 
• “Per my previous email…”  You clearly didn’t read or understand what I wrote you before, so now I will repeat it. 
• “Per our agreement…”  You violated something you agreed to, now I must explain to you what it is. 
• “I suggest a face-to-face meeting…”  We need to stop firing these idiotic emails back and forth.  Let’s sit down so I can call you ‘asshole’ to your face. 
• “I am copying in (Name) for his perspective.”  We’ve already met and agreed you are an asshat.  I’m copying him as written proof of that diagnosis.
• “It is imperative that we…”  This is important and it is embarrassing to all of us that I have to explain that to you. 
• “I’m circling back to you on…”  You didn’t respond to this last time, so now I have to nag your sorry-ass about it again. 
• “I’m curious as to your thoughts on this…”  Make a decision – ANY decision.  Just take a stand for Pete’s sake. 
• “To reiterate…” I am repeating this…again – because apparently you are slow. 
• “Moving forward…”  Don’t ever bother me with this shit again.
• “Respectfully submitted,”  The exact opposite.  “Hatefully submitted.”
• “This was helpful.”  I wish you had sent this to me weeks ago when I asked for it. 
• “Sorry to bother you again on this subject.”  I’m sorry you chose to blatantly ignore me. 
• “Thank you for your explanation.”  Receipt of your lame excuse is acknowledged. 
• “I’m not sure my last message was received…”  Oh, it was received…you just didn’t respond.  I’m not going away dickhead.
• “I apologize for the misunderstanding…”  I am deeply and sincerely sorry that you are an asshole.
• “It is difficult to find a time that works for both of us…”  It’s not my fault you can’t manage your calendar. 
• “As I understand it…”  This is reality as I know it.  God only knows what you think.
• “I look forward to our meeting.” There goes an hour or more of my life flushed down the toilet.
• “Thank you in advance…”  You have a to-do item – just fucking do it.
• “I hope you don’t mind…”  I don’t care if you mind – do your job.
• “I realize that you are busy, but…”  I don’t appreciate you ignoring me in the last four attempts to get you to respond.
• “Your comment on _____ is fair…”  Okay, you made your point – I made a mistake.  Thanks for bringing it up again just to make me feel bad. 
• “Just a friendly reminder…”  I presume you have the onset of early dementia, it makes it easier for me to cope with you not doing what you need to. 
• “Let’s action this…”  Stop replying to the email string and do some actual work!
• “You may not be aware of the history…”  Your decision was stupid, now I have to explain to you why; complete with historical context. 
• “It might help you to know the background…”  You are about to do something stupid, so let me explain why you shouldn’t.
• “No action required.”  I am sending you this to cover my ass.  Just play along and now one will get hurt.
• “I understand your role…”  I LOVE you mansplaining to me what you do. 
• “I included you on this email string to make sure you were in the loop…”  This is part of your job – so stop whining about me emailing you about it.  And the only loop I want to see you in is a noose. 
• “Brilliant!”  You actually responded correctly and on-time.  You get a star. 
• “With all due respect…”  Prepare yourself for my explanation as to why you are tragically wrong. 
• “FYI” I am covering my ass here. 
• “Please advise…”  There’s a button on the email called, “Reply.”  Give it a try. 
• “According to the system…”  I hear what you are saying, but the data says something entirely different.
• “Just to clarify…”  I will use smaller words this time since the big ones clearly overwhelmed you.
• “Any updates on this?”  I’m not going to let this slide, douchebag. 
• “I’m sure you are already aware of this…”  I’m sure you are completely blindsided by this…so allow me to be the bearer of bad news. 
• “I’d like to point out…”  Let me explain just how wrong you are. 
• “Don’t hesitate to reach out to me on this…”  I am pretending that I will give you the time of day to re-read this email to you.
• “Per our operating model…”  We put together a mysterious and complex process, didn’t involve you, didn’t communicate it, but expect you to follow it. 
• “We need to give this the appropriate level of due diligence…”  You might actually have to read this. 
• “Great!”  You finally understand…it sure took long enough. 
• “I want to make sure we avoid this in the future…”  I know that you are prone to repeating the same mistake that led to this email, as such don’t make me kill again.
• “This is a high priority…”  This is a high priority for the next hour or two, then I will be distracted by the next thing that is a high priority. 
• “Apologies for me not…”  You caught me!  I’m impressed enough to admit it. 
• “It has been a pleasure…”  Clearly I am into S&M because this has been torture.
• “Thank you for your valuable input…”  You’ve made your point, please shut up
• “I want to make sure we are on the same page…”  Frankly, I’m not sure you’re reading from the same book. 
• “I was hoping we could collaborate on…”  I need someone to do the work so I can claim credit for it. 
• “I don’t want you to feel like you’re being excluded…”  But you are. 
• “I thought you might want to see this…”  Someone is screwing you over and I’m willing to bet they haven’t told you. 
• “Would (insert day) be convenient?”  You need to get this done before that day or I swear, I will come after you.
• “Many thanks!”  Fuck off.
• “Best regards!”  Don’t ever contact me again.