My buddy Kevin (Dude) sent me three of these last week. I decided to harvest my own inbox and expand the list. Note: These interpretations are my own and in now way reflect my employer, co-workers, etc. If any of my colleagues recognize the use of these phrases, well, that’s on you.
- “I have attached this slide deck to assist you in understanding…” You are so stupid, I prepared supplemental material with pretty pictures to make it easier for you.
- “Per my previous email…” You clearly didn’t read or understand what I wrote you before, so now I will repeat it.
- “Per our agreement…” You violated something you agreed to, now I must explain to you what it is.
- “I suggest a face-to-face meeting…” We need to stop firing these idiotic emails back and forth. Let’s sit down so I can call you ‘asshole’ to your face.
- “I am copying in (Name) for his perspective.” We’ve already met and agreed you are an asshat. I’m copying him as written proof of that diagnosis.
- “It is imperative that we…” This is important and it is embarrassing to all of us that I have to explain that to you.
- “I’m circling back to you on…” You didn’t respond to this last time, so now I have to nag your sorry-ass about it again.
- “I’m curious as to your thoughts on this…” Make a decision – ANY decision. Just take a stand for Pete’s sake.
- “To reiterate…” I am repeating this…again – because apparently you are slow.
- “Moving forward…” Don’t ever bother me with this shit again.
- “Respectfully submitted,” The exact opposite. “Hatefully submitted.”
- “This was helpful.” I wish you had sent this to me weeks ago when I asked for it.
- “Sorry to bother you again on this subject.” I’m sorry you chose to blatantly ignore me.
- “Thank you for your explanation.” Receipt of your lame excuse is acknowledged.
- “I’m not sure my last message was received…” Oh, it was received…you just didn’t respond. I’m not going away dickhead.
- “I apologize for the misunderstanding…” I am deeply and sincerely sorry that you are an asshole.
- “It is difficult to find a time that works for both of us…” It’s not my fault you can’t manage your calendar.
- “As I understand it…” This is reality as I know it. God only knows what you think.
- “I look forward to our meeting.” There goes an hour or more of my life flushed down the toilet.
- “Thank you in advance…” You have a to-do item – just fucking do it.
- “I hope you don’t mind…” I don’t care if you mind – do your job.
- “I realize that you are busy, but…” I don’t appreciate you ignoring me in the last four attempts to get you to respond.
- “Your comment on _____ is fair…” Okay, you made your point – I made a mistake. Thanks for bringing it up again just to make me feel bad.
- “Just a friendly reminder…” I presume you have the onset of early dementia, it makes it easier for me to cope with you not doing what you need to.
- “Let’s action this…” Stop replying to the email string and do some actual work!
- “You may not be aware of the history…” Your decision was stupid, now I have to explain to you why; complete with historical context.
- “It might help you to know the background…” You are about to do something stupid, so let me explain why you shouldn’t.
- “No action required.” I am sending you this to cover my ass. Just play along and now one will get hurt.
- “I understand your role…” I LOVE you mansplaining to me what you do.
- “I included you on this email string to make sure you were in the loop…” This is part of your job – so stop whining about me emailing you about it. And the only loop I want to see you in is a noose.
- “Brilliant!” You actually responded correctly and on-time. You get a star.
- “With all due respect…” Prepare yourself for my explanation as to why you are tragically wrong.
- “FYI” I am covering my ass here.
- “Please advise…” There’s a button on the email called, “Reply.” Give it a try.
- “According to the system…” I hear what you are saying, but the data says something entirely different.
- “Just to clarify…” I will use smaller words this time since the big ones clearly overwhelmed you.
- “Any updates on this?” I’m not going to let this slide, douchebag.
- “I’m sure you are already aware of this…” I’m sure you are completely blindsided by this…so allow me to be the bearer of bad news.
- “I’d like to point out…” Let me explain just how wrong you are.
- “Don’t hesitate to reach out to me on this…” I am pretending that I will give you the time of day to re-read this email to you.
- “Per our operating model…” We put together a mysterious and complex process, didn’t involve you, didn’t communicate it, but expect you to follow it.
- “We need to give this the appropriate level of due diligence…” You might actually have to read this.
- “Great!” You finally understand…it sure took long enough.
- “I want to make sure we avoid this in the future…” I know that you are prone to repeating the same mistake that led to this email, as such don’t make me kill again.
- “This is a high priority…” This is a high priority for the next hour or two, then I will be distracted by the next thing that is a high priority.
- “Apologies for me not…” You caught me! I’m impressed enough to admit it.
- “It has been a pleasure…” Clearly I am into S&M because this has been torture.
- “Thank you for your valuable input…” You’ve made your point, please shut up
- “I want to make sure we are on the same page…” Frankly, I’m not sure you’re reading from the same book.
- “I was hoping we could collaborate on…” I need someone to do the work so I can claim credit for it.
- “I don’t want you to feel like you’re being excluded…” But you are.
- “I thought you might want to see this…” Someone is screwing you over and I’m willing to bet they haven’t told you.
- “Would (insert day) be convenient?” You need to get this done before that day or I swear, I will come after you.
- “Many thanks!” Fuck off.
- “Best regards!” Don’t ever contact me again.
Love the list. Too bad some people do not understand this concepts. They miss a great joke on their process.
I use this one some times “What is the bussines reason ….” How loud did the customer screamed at you?