I was recently looking for a learning course at work and was overwhelmed by all of the options. As I scrolled through the titles, I realized that no one was writing courses designed for the real world. Learning content seemed to me to be written for a perfect organization rather than the highly chaotic and disruptive places where many people work (not me of course, my company is perfect…wink wink.)
So I took at stab at putting together some titles that I think could and should be created for those of us slaving under the oppression of the Corporate Overlords. Enjoy!
How to Not Be a Douchebag. Includes techniques for not betraying the confidence of those working for you. Purging your inherent douchebaggery is possible in three easy lessons.
Advanced Asskissing and Bootlicking. Sure, everyone knows the basics. This class will help you kick things up to the next level in terms of burying your nose in the ass-crack of upper leadership.
The Art of Stealing Credit For Others Work. Work happens all around you. How can you take advantage of that? This class helps you tactfully imply that the successes others are doing are because of your divine influence.
Using Voodoo On Your Coworkers. There’s more to it than sticking pins in dolls, it is a lifestyle choice.
Intermediate Stealing of Office Supplies. Anyone can take a stapler or a stack of sticky notes. It takes real skill to dismantle an office chair and smuggle it out without anyone noticing. Welcome to the world of Intermediate theft!
Waffling for Mid-Level Managers. Flip-flopping on decisions and direction is less of a managerial style and more of an artform. This class will give you hands-on experience in not committing.
Teams – Crushing Them Isn’t Always The Answer. Sure, stomping on the soul of your team seems like a source of entertainment – but it isn’t necessary.
Time Mismanagement. Anyone can triple book their calendar, this class takes this to the next level. Learn how to completely ignore the space time continuum in your managerial direction and decisions.
Meetings – You Too Can Start On Time! Starting a meeting on-time is respectful of those who show up and demonstrates good organizational skills. In six easy lessons, you will learn how to read a clock, connect to a meeting (or just show up), start the meeting, read an agenda, and even end on time!
Reorganizations – You Can’t Be Reorganized if You Were Never Organized In the First Place. When you reorganize, you are telling the team that the problems they faced were because of how they were restructured. When you reorganize 5-12 times, you are telling them that the problem is you
Resisting the Urge to Micromanage…You Aren’t as Good as You Think You Are. I get it, you have an urge to tell people how to do their jobs…but in reality, you should be telling them what you want them to do, not how to do it.
Success! It DOES exist and you can measure it. It may be hard to believe, but you CAN actually do things right. I know, it surprised me too. This course will help you know success when you see it, and track it.
Microsoft Outlook – How to Use the Scheduling Assistance Function. As shocking as it seems, it is possible to schedule meetings that don’t conflict with others. You will amaze other managers with this skill!
How to Not Use Reply All – Not Everyone Gives a Shit What You Think. As shocking as it seems, using Reply All is not mandatory nor is anyone fooled into thinking that you are actually contributing when you click on it.
Using Your Town Hall Meeting To Hypnotize Your Teams. You’re already droning on and on, this allows you to leverage this to get them to do more work, cluck like a chicken, whatever…
Doing What Your Commit To. Saying it and doing it are, brace yourself, two different things. This course exposes leaders to a new trend in business, actually delivering. Learn how to avoid pointless and mind-numbing delays.
Creatively Abusing The Company’s Sick Time Policy. Here’s 80 hours of time you should be taking full advantage of. Learn that with Millennials in the workplace, you can claim “Mental Health Days” as sick time, and other tricks to buy yourself two weeks of rest.
Making Someone Else Accountable For Your Deliverables. Why should you bear the burden of all that work? This course will help you dump your workload onto others while still being able to claim credit for it.
How to Not Schedule Meetings During Employee Vacations of Outside of Normal Working Hours. You do know we don’t work at 8pm at night, right? This leadership-level course is designed to help managers understand what a typical working day is and how to tell if one of your invitees is on paid holiday!
Legally Threatening Your Staff. Sometimes they just need a boot to the ass, don’t ya think? If you do that, you find yourself with HR. There are a myriad of ways to threaten your staff that are legal though…let us teach you.
Believe it or Not It is Legal to Present Without PowerPoint. You too can do a presentation without reading what you put on a slide. This “innovative” approach to presentations focuses on the story you want to tell and the facts, rather than your insipid attempts at graphics.
Creating the Illusion of Busyness. You don’t always have to be busy to look busy. These simple techniques will make you look overloaded with minimal effort.
Shutting Off Your Phone – It’s Not Just For Vacations Anymore. We get it, you want to create the illusion you are busy by coming to the meeting and being on your phone sending texts. No one is buying it. This class will show you where the off-switch is and how to use it.
Proving You Are Smarter Than Your Colleague. It’s not enough to be smart, sometimes you need to rub their noses in it and prove it. This class includes the effective, “Surround yourself with idiots,” or SYWI technique to ensure you can be the smartest one on the call or in the room. These time-tested approaches will guarantee that no one will call you a dumb-ass – you’ll always be a smart one!
If you like these, check out my book, Business Rules, A Cynic’s Guidebook to the Corporate Overlords.