Retiring? Here are the most humorous things to send in your retirement/departure email – Office Humor

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As I move to early retirement (so that I could write full-time), I started thinking about the farewell email message I might send. Being somewhat evil and a tad creative; this made me generate a list of lines that any retiree should be able to leverage in their goodbye to their organization. When your time comes to cut that umbilical cord/remove the ankle monitor; pick and use those that are most appropriate! Even better, combine these to create a really awesome departure message.

My own message that I have planned is a tad epic and months in the making.  Until then, this will have to tide people over.  ENJOY!

I would say I will miss you all, but let’s be frank – some of you are utter douchebags.  (I have kept a list!)

I will miss the office supply cabinet which has put three of my kids through college.

It was either retire or climb up on the roof with a scoped rifle and play “Duck duck goose,” the hard way.  My aim just isn’t what it used to be either.  Frankly, I just didn’t want to give any of you the time on the evening news calling me a, “Loner.”  I hope you appreciate my choice to simply retire.

I will no longer be party to the insanity that you call, “work.”  I have been an accomplice to this madness for far too long.

I would like to extend to all of you an invitation to my retirement dinner.  Unfortunately the company has cut back on this, especially in light of the amazing lack of work I have done over the years.  Instead I would invite you to join me in splitting a Happy Meal (with fries!).

The ongoing hostage situation (which I refer to as a career) has finally come to an end as I hereby announce my retirement/escape.

My plans upon leaving is to break into meth production.  From what I saw on the documentary “Breaking Bad,” it has a lot more potential than when I was here.

I miss you all…with every shot that I took.  You lucky bastards…

Should any of you need me, I will be glad to come back as a consultant – if you can afford my rates.  Hint – You can’t.  And even if you could, bear in mind I don’t need the gig and am likely to be much more vocal since I no longer have to worry about my ongoing employment.

Until I worked here, I never fully appreciated the phrase, “Going postal.” Thank you all for that.

This is probably a good time to tell you that Suzy is the one that has been stealing your lunches.  Do what you will with that knowledge.

My leaving allows you to blame the next four months of your failures on me.  Consider this a parting gift.

If I were to relate this place to a movie, it would The Shawshank Redemption and I’m off to my job as a bagger at the grocery store.

My departure at this time was my favorite quarterly goal I ever achieved that has mattered.

I will not miss the horrible food that the company provides for working lunches.  Rubber-chicken-salad-sandwich-wraps a meal doth not make.

I am trading a padded cell for a chaise lounge chair on a beach. Who’s winning now bitches?

As part of my retirement, I intend to dedicate myself to answering the greatest riddle plaguing mankind – “Why did I come into this room in the first place?”

I am pleased to say that I have attended my final company-mandated fun event (social events we are required to attend)

The good news – I’m leaving.  The bad news – I’m sending senior leadership a message explaining how you all actually spend your time here.

Now that I am leaving, it is probably a good time to tell you what is in the cafeteria’s Wednesday Special.  Hint – what animal meows?

As I move on, I leave you with this one thought.  When the company orders in lunch, they are not doing you a favor.  They are essentially telling you to work through lunch and keep the costs down by eating the food we have selected for you – regardless of your tastes or desires.  Yeah, I won’t miss that shit.

I can finally go to the bathroom when I need to, not when the meeting is over.  My body functions are finally my own!

The horribly incriminating photographic and documentary evidence of your collective incompetence will be posted to the web two hours after my departure.  Sucks to be you.

To those of you remaining, “May the odds ever be in your favor.”

I appreciate all of you sending me your resume’s.  That isn’t how retirement works unless you want a job mowing my yard.  I get it, it’s an instinctive reaction when one of us “goes over the wall.”

For the last two years I have been working on a secret project for the company to monitor employee internet access.  You people disgust me!

As I move onto my next stage of life I do so with the knowledge that I will never again have to fill out a timesheet, and that is something exciting.

From this point on, when I travel, I can eat dinner where I want and with whom I want.  No more team dinners at places I would never desire eating at in the first place.

I do not desire a farewell party…but would like the cash option instead.

Don’t worry about how I will spend my time – I’m going to write a tell-all book about this place, naming names and implicating the guilty. Oh, wait – you SHOULD worry.

I finally understand what it means when I hear, “Get a life!”

As I depart, I want you to know that the toilet paper in the men’s room is made of the crushed souls of those who have gone before me.  That is why it is so thin that you can see through it.

My departure means my work has to be done by some of you.  Suckers!

The only barking dog I have to deal with is my own – not yours on some conference call.

In leaving I acknowledge that my entire career has been built on the premise of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was going to stay, then I realized one thing – I never intended to do or liked this job in the first place.

They say you own your own career…so I’m owning this part.  Good bye!

I bid farewell to the wasted time before the start of a meeting when we ask about the weather.  The only weather I care about is my own.

Say what you will about me after I’m gone – but I will never dread Monday’s again.

I will never again cringe because someone hits reply all.  That doesn’t happen out in the real world.

I’m officially a quitter.  Totally comfortable with that new title too.

I would love to tell you that I’m spending my retirement time doing volunteer work – but I think we all know that’s not happening.

I will never have to scrounge like a beggar for a phone line, office space, privacy or a wifi signal.

It is important for you to know I will never have to deal with information security out in the real world.

Sadly my departure means that the war crimes cases against most of our senior leadership will never go to trial.  I am leaving behind my extensive records, should anyone else want to take up the cause.

As a parting gift to all of you, I laced the coffee with laxative and have stolen all of the toilet paper in the building.  Cheers!

I intend to dedicate my retirement years to medical research work – namely I will be conducting a personal study on the effects of alcohol and sleeping in on longevity.  Look forward to my results…

As you toil away at your jobs, know this – I will never again have to take mandatory training on something that has no applicability to my life ever again. In the real world we call this, “Winning!”

I will miss this place during the holidays…when I would come in and steal tape and scissors for wrapping holiday gifts.

I look forward to my last hour when the company finally removes my obedience ankle monitor and sets me free.

The changes to my dress code will be minimal, adding in a “pants optional” for Wednesdays. Also I have added “VERY casual Fridays.”  So if you are planning to visit, I’d recommend other days to do so.

I will be reducing the number of people that don’t listen to my pearly words of wisdom and witty insights down to my dog and my wife.

Retirement will finally give me time to perfect my Death Ray that I have been working on, though it will limit the number of targets since I will no longer have coworkers.

Leadership finally achieved something — they convinced me it was time to get the hell out of this place.

My retirement plans include me becoming that old fart that yells at the kids for getting on his lawn.

I will no longer receive emails annually encouraging me to donate money to the company-favored charities or causes I don’t believe in.

My first week away from work will be spent responding to robocalls about my truck’s warranty expiration, Microsoft detecting problems with my account, fending off arrest by the IRS, and issues with my Apple account. I intend to waste these bastards time to the point where they never bother me again.

Once I leave I cannot foresee the need to do a conference call ever again in my life.

Know this, I will only change my passwords when I choose to do so!

Going forward when I say something inappropriate or insensitive to others, the only ones that can report me are my wife and my dog – and the dog isn’t talking (we have an agreement that is treat-based).

I will never roll out of bed early for a meeting, log on, only to find that during the night, someone cancelled it.

My parting gift to all of you is that I sent a list of your work and cell phone numbers to every telemarking firm I could find on the dark web.  Enjoy!

The only reorganizing that will impact my life is what I do in the garage at my leisure.

For all of you, my departure means that you will have ample office supplies, since I will no longer be taking them home in bulk.

I would like to schedule time to have lunch with you now and then and get caught up with stuff going on at work…but I really don’t care and you’ll be all rushed so that you can get back to that all-important next meeting.  You know, it’s just not worth my investment of time.

I am afraid I have to cancel the traditional farewell dinner for my retirement.  Apparently the company will not spring for stripper poles…so this is totally on them.

There are several pieces of work that I nearly have completed that I want you to finish and take credit for.  Aw, fuck it…you’ll figure them out for yourself.

If I eat in a cafeteria I will do so because I want to, not because it is the only dining option before I run to my next meeting.  PS.  I will never want to eat in a cafeteria again.

I will not have to make sure I have a badge to go and return from a trip to the bathroom.

Retirement means I will no longer have to keep a list of idiotic acronyms just so I can converse with people around me.  In fact, “people around me,” will consist of my dog and my wife…which is a marked improvement.

My “annual review” will consist of turning my head and coughing — which is still preferable to the painful and agonizing process of having someone give me mindless and often pointless feedback to justify a shitty raise.

Since I am no longer limited by the firm’s designated holidays, I am implementing the following additions to my calendar (replace with your own name where appropriate):

  • St. Blaine’s Day (Primarily a drinking holiday – date assigned at random by me.)
  • The Fifth of Pardoe (Celebrated on the 5th of November)
  • BlainetoberFest – It’s just Octoberfest but with more me.  We drink, wear lederhosen, play the bagpipes, fight, have belching contests, pin the tail on the politician, liar-liar-set-your-pants-on-fire, you know…traditional BlainetoberFest events.
  • Margarita Appreciation Day (A floating holiday – get it?)
  • Non-Labor Day (March 1 – six months away from Labor Day)  This day commemorates all of us that no longer work full time and mocks those that do.
  • Parole Day (commemorating my last day at work – usually proceeded by Parole-Eve, which involves presents)
  • Pardoeween (You put on a super hero t-shirt and go to other retiree’s houses and do shots)

In order to prove I am a retiree, I will be starting to pack for trips at least two weeks prior to the date of travel (this seems to be a thing – though I am not sure why.)

When I set an alarm, it will be for something I want to do…as opposed to something I have to do.

I will be meeting people via the organizations I will be joining – namely the NRA and AARP (I finally have time to read their literature.)

My departure from the company means that the threat level for workplace violence has dropped from Orange to Amber.  Shit could still go down, but it won’t involve me.

When I travel from this point on, it is for book tours, holidays, or because I want to.  The only approval I have to get is that of my wife and I don’t need a charge code, email verification, written PPD authorization, nor will the firm chose where I stay and how much I can spend.

Just so you know, I intend to spend my first day of freedom prying the tiny diamond out of my company pin and seeing how much I can get for it.

Machines will no longer control me.  Rather than reminders in Outlook, my time will be measured by when the dog needs to go out and when the mail arrives.   No more calendars or Skype messages dinging to tell me what to do next.

While you are inadvertently aggravating coworkers over email, I will be deliberately upsetting people via social media…just for the grins.

All of those tchotchke’s I have from the firm from training events, anniversaries, and meetings?  It is my intent to set them all on fire and watch them burn slowly. It will be toxic and fun at the same time.  I no longer have a desire to keep the block of plastic that commemorates my 20th anniversary here.

While I will be taking some classes that I desire which are fun and will be adding to my creativity and character; you will be taking courses on password management, diversity and inclusiveness, and blockchain.  Suckers!

The only cloud I will give a shit about is the ones out on a sunny day.  Sidebar:  I will actually get to go outside on a sunny day in the middle of the week.  Ha!

As a parting gift to those of you still stuck here, I have hidden some career enabling materials in the  office including photos of our department head having sex with a goat (blackmail material), tape recordings of the senior leaders plotting the next wave of layoffs (complete with names and dates), and the REAL strategic plan for the team.  These are hidden somewhere in the office and will assist you in your careers.  Have at it! (Sometimes I just do shit to watch the chaos.)

I am more than willing to come back as a contractor to do the job that I never was rewarded for doing in the first place.  PS.  I seriously doubt you can afford my rates.

Being retired means I will never again have to suppress a moan or groan in a meeting when I hear something utterly stupid.

You have to keep track of a limited number of vacation days (provided that the firm doesn’t force you to use them all at their whim.)  I only have to keep track of days that I have things I have to do.  Winning!

Know this – the only fully documented and flowcharted process I give a shit about going forward is…wait…I won’t have to give a shit about these things.

The phrase, “Mandatory Learning” will be purged from my personal lexicon.  Likewise I will not have to take tests and pass with 80% or better on anything in life other than my driver’s license.

No one will be defining my dress code other than my wife.  She has orders to shoot me on sight if I am seen wearing shorts, black socks, and sandals – FYI.  The same applies if I wear pants where the waist band is around my nipple region.

I invite the senior leadership of the organization to raise a glass and toast me as I leave.  Of course, I fully intend to lace their drinks with ExLax.  Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

Know this…as a retiree, I will never again have to waste time putting together a RACI chart that no one will ever read or use.  I cannot tell you how worthless every RACI chart ever assembled has been.  WON’T MISS THESE.

As I reflect back on my years here, I do have some regrets.  These regrets include:

  • Not kicking my 14th manager in the nuts (repeatedly).  It wouldn’t have changed anything but it would have made me feel better.  God that man was a moron.  Even to this day, the mental image of him doubled over clutching his freshly crushed scrotum with the imprint of my sneakers makes me smile.
  • I should have sold my soul early-on for promotion.  Unfortunately I possessed “values” and “morals” and a wise-ass mouth which prevented me from applying the appropriate amount of ass-kissing to advance my career.  No, wait, I take it back – I don’t regret this at all!
  • I wish I had stood up in a town hall, just once, and mooned our leadership team. God knows they deserve it.
  • Day drinking, as in, I should have taken this up.  It would have helped…or at least it couldn’t have hurt.  I regret not giving it a try.
  • I wish I had taken advantage of some of the training available to me.  Far too often I let the burdens of work overpower my desires for self-growth.  Worse, I had some managers that simply made attending such learning impossible…douchebags.
  • I should have stolen a LOT more in the way of office supplies.  And I should have branched out to stealing office furniture.  For the record, I did devise a plan for this.
  • I wish I had never worked overtime. I worked a lot of overtime in my years here – and it was almost always because of bad decisions by managers or a misguided belief that it helped my career.  I even took calls while on family vacations.  It was all an utter waste.  There was no reward – no extra compensation, for that lost time from my family.  It doesn’t help you get promoted but is held against you if you don’t do it.  I should have walked out the door and spent time with anyone other than my work colleagues.  Not one hour of overtime ever mattered.
  • I should have exploited travel/reward points over what was good for the firm.  So many people I know have abused travel policy to enrich their personal reward points at hotels and with airlines, it makes me nauseous.  I always did what was right for the firm, where they needlessly attended or held meetings out of country, added extra flight segments, stayed at more expensive hotels, etc.  I regret not being as a big a douchebag as many of my peers when it comes to abusing these policies for personal gain.
  • Every minute spent “polishing” a PowerPoint slide deck for some leader who couldn’t read to begin with.  All of those little tweaks that management felt were so important…a complete waste of time.

In my retirement, I will not have some corporate entity telling me what colors (four) or fonts (two) and what graphic images I can use while at the same time telling me they “encourage creativity.”

My email will no longer have a tag line attached to it that makes no sense, or is something I simply think is a joke.  I will write my own tag lines to life.

Throughout my career I have often had two to five managers at a time.  This often led to confusion, conflicting orders, and unnecessary tension.  In my retirement years the only person telling me what to do is my spouse, and I gleefully look forward to her input.

The only persons cutting my budget will be my financial advisor or my wife; and it won’t be random and arbitrary.

Unlike you, I will never have to update my resume’, Linkedin Profile, or anything related to my alleged career ever again.

I will be able to freely swear during the daytime without wondering if I am going to get a call from the Talent Team about my professionalism.  (Sidebar:  What a stupid name for a team, right?  Talent?  Really?)

Any meeting I attend going forward (and there will be damned few of them) will start on-time. The worst of you are those that show up late then ask to be caught up.  Seriously, you just aren’t that important.

There will be a time when you are sitting in a meeting and you know that if I was there, I would be making a funny face (usually in disgust) or throwing out a witty comment.  When that happens, know I will be only making funny faces and witty comments to either my dog or my wife…neither of which will think it is very humorous.

I have often felt that this place was an asylum and am ashamed that it took this long for me to formulate the proper escape plan.

I enter into retirement with a certain amount of glee…knowing I will never again have to sit on a project RAID call, rolling my eyes and fighting back the urge to sleep.

As I look back at my time here, one question keeps coming to me over and over…”Was it worth it?”  The answer to that is, “If it had been, I wouldn’t be retiring – duh!”

Now that I am done here, I intend to get a new role as an intern at another company.  I’m pursuing this to improve myself…and validate that I would rather work for nothing than work in his dump and suffer the constant humiliation and degradation that are the hallmarks of our leadership team.  Way to motivate!

I will miss the annual Christmas Party…in the same way I miss family reunions, getting my eyes dilated, colonoscopies, and root canal.  A plate of cheap h’orderves and two watered down drinks don’t instill the sense of loyalty you might think. I appreciated the annual reminder that you really don’t care.

I will never again strain during a three hour meeting to suppress a fart or hold my bladder for two hours while some manager pontificates on something that is of marginal importance.  I will go the bathroom and pass gas on my schedule, not my coworkers’.   Ahh….

None of the bad decisions I will do from this point on will be based on screwball and often faulty information from Gartner or the Corporate Board.  I will be using common sense and my own research, rather than relying on “expert” organizations that couldn’t find their ass with a flashlight and both hands.

Don’t think of this as me retiring…think of it as I have completed digging a tunnel out of this place and it only took me 25 years to reach the outside of the guard’s line.

As I ride off into the sunset, I would sum up my career with the following:  “In my defense, I was, for the most part, unsupervised during the majority of my working years.  This shit is all on you guys.”

As I depart I want to say, “It’s been real,” but that opens up the question, “real what?”  Really depressing?  Really aggravating?  Really a waste of time?  Really a model of how to not run a business?  Really a testimony to the folly of mankind?  Really a case study in idiotic management?  Wow, this is a really impressive list.

Retiring means that I will no longer need to curtail my language so as to avoid insulting anyone in a message or phone call.  I will call out bullshit, assholes, dumb-fucks, and anything else I want.  I will be able to use phrases like “You fuckety-fuck-fucking-fuck-face,” and now worry about HR giving me a call.  I’m retired bitches!  I have no HR in my life other than my wife.

In retirement I will no longer have to up my intake of blood pressure medication prior to the release of the annual promotion list.  I still reserve the right to say, “WTF?” should you call and tell me which morons got advanced.  I simply will stop caring about it.

Now that I am retiring, I will not have to take part in company programs that pander to the millennials and their numerous sensitivities.  I won’t have to check everything I say to see if it could possibly offend someone.  I won’t have to tolerate my company ignoring my needs as an older white male because of my “privilege.”

I knew it was time to leave when this place got so cheap they put in standing desks so they wouldn’t have to buy chairs.  Yes, I get it, some people like it.  I also know it was a clear signal for me to not come into the office to work.

Retirement for me means I will no longer be forced to attend after work social activities when traveling.  This “firm-mandated fun” has, over the years, proven to be quite the opposite.

Leaving means I will never again get frustrated by receiving an email that tries to explain that allowing us to wear blue jeans in the office somehow spurs on creativity and inclusiveness.  Seriously?

From this point forward the only “hotelling” I will be doing is when I check into an actual hotel, rather than reserving office space and a filthy phone.

Someday, not too far from now, you will be implementing a new software system.  You will hate it. The training will suck.  The communications will be all but worthless.  Management will be irate and blaming all of you for the failures.  When that happens, it is vital that you know that I will not be impacted by this in any way, shape, or form – nor will I give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about it.

My retirement means you will no longer be blessed with my snarky, often deeply inappropriate comments about our leadership team – especially when they do something totally moronic.  It is hard to keep such commentary fresh. Someone else will need to pick up the mantle on this role I so aptly performed.

I will never have to listen to someone with less experience and knowledge than I possess attempt to coach me on my “career.”

I will no longer be forced to use code names for things that I am working on.  It will take a while to adopt this thinking.  “Sorry honey, I have to take the TANK out for a walk then I need to mow the GORILLA and get some gas in the ZEPPELIN.”

As I move into retirement mode, I am freeing up 6 GB of space on my phone by deleting all of the annoying company required applications.  Never again will I have to have apps and data on my private smart phone to forcibly connect me to work, regardless of my private wishes.

While I am kicking back in full retirement mode, many of you will be investing long tedious hours in PowerPoint assembling/perfecting slide decks for people who, when you present them, are checking their text messages. While I was here, only five of my PowerPoint slides have ever been read.  I’m not saying it was an utter waste of my time but the math is the math.

I enter retirement knowing I will never again attend a meeting where everyone on the call decides to have, brace for it, another meeting.  Each time this happened in my career, a tiny bit of my soul was crushed.

Being retired means that I own my daily commute.  It is significantly shorter (sometimes just a stroll down the stairs), I control when it starts, where I am going, and it ceases to be frustrating.

As a retiree, the only diversity and inclusiveness efforts I will had to deal with is drinking scotch and tequila in the same afternoon.  In fact, there’s a big debate about waiting until the afternoon.

Now that I am going be retired, there are a number of words and phrases I am pledging to not use going forward.  These include: Downsizing, RIF, layoffs, right-sizing, rebadging, outsourcing, external vendors, staffing model, Agile, ITIL, DevOps, DevSecOps, annual reviews, mandatory feedback, Code of Conduct Compliance, company mandates, budgets, timesheets, and system outage.

Being in retirement, I can openly express my political and ideological beliefs without having to worry that it will impact my career.

In looking back at my career, one thing I will not miss is group writing projects where eight people try to contribute to a document or a PowerPoint slide.  These usually result in something that no one agrees upon, but everyone endorses, simply to put an end the debates.

With my departure from working full time, I’m cutting back to two micromanagers (from the 12 or so I had when employed).  My dog, which is constantly telling me to do something – and my wife, who has more than earned the right to tell me how to do what I’m doing.  All other people attempting to micromanage me going forward will be told, “Fuck off!”

One thing I will not miss is explaining to my manager how to manage a team. When I am asked what I would do if I were in charge, it demeans us both. Every time I coached upward served as a reminder as to how imperfect our promotion process is.

I will no longer forced to endure the company “suggesting” things for me to contribute to. Where I spend my money is my business and I don’t need help with that.  I have a wife that is plenty helpful in spending money.

In retirement I will never again get a phone call that begins, “I know you are on your vacation, but I need you to…”

Now that I am moving into retirement, I will no longer be forced to attend team dinners at times and locations where I would never choose to eat.  I have long hated business trips and team dinners – and they are now going to be a fading memory.

With retirement I will cease the bouts of stress when I read about a company policy then read announcements that are completely contrary to it – such as D&I. This cuts my road to an aneurism by 82% according to my non-scientific calculations.

I have been meaning to take up drinking in a semi-professional capacity.  Certainly this place gave me more than enough emotional scars to consider it.  Now I will finally have the time and incentive to consume copious amounts of alcohol at my own discretion.

I do not want a farewell party or a roast. We were never really that close and you certainly shouldn’t get to celebrate my leaving.  Why?  Because it’s all about me.  Why should you get a meal and drinks out of this?  Just send me the cash and we’ll call it at night.

I have spent so much of my career in cubicle, I have had my bedroom walls padded just so I can make the transition to the real world a little bit easier.

In retirement I will be eating what I want for lunch, not what the firm has decided to provide me so that I can work through lunch.  I can drink the soda brand of my choice and never again have to indulge in rubber-chicken-salad-sandwich-wraps drenched in mustard so I don’t have to taste them.

I will never have to take a phone call in a JIT (Just in Time) booth that makes me claustrophobic, paranoid, and feeling like I’m trapped in an ever-shrinking glass phone booth where walkers-by can watch my hand and face gestures as I slowly become more insane.

I will never again be forced to choose between my career and my real life.

As I look back on my career with a sense of waste and anguish, I know one thing…I will never again be forced to use Microsoft Project.  Even if I ended up living in a cardboard box in my retirement, it would be worth it to avoid MS Project.

While you continue to work, I will never again have to use a badge to go to the bathroom.

Over the last decade, I often find myself fending off sleep during some mind-numbing presentation on some pointless, often mismanaged project.  In retirement, I will embrace sleeping whenever I feel like it (except behind the wheel, that’s bad.)

While you toil on, know that I will never again face the struggle of getting Finance to reimburse me for a trip, while I end up floating the money to American Express so that I don’t end up on some list somewhere. I will gleefully destroy my Amex corporate card and the phone number to the help desk for expense reimbursement/delaying.

One of the things I’m looking forward to the most is not having to stay up until 11pm to have a phone call with someone halfway around the world.  From now on, I call when it is convenient for me – not the company.

One thing I will miss about the office is when I was compelled annually to purchase Girl Scout cookies.  This was the one thing I was guilted into at work that I fully supported and openly endorsed.

No soulless and spineless manager will ever again question my loyalty. I was always loyal. I just had a life outside of work. Thanks for all that morale lowering shit.

Someone asked me how I will replace all of the relationships I have made at work.  Allow me to say that all of you can be replaced with a good dog and a loving spouse…period.  It really isn’t that hard.

As I set sail into the sunset of my life, know that as I hoist my sails, I am leaving you, the anchors, at the dock where you belong.

When I get up and turn on my PC, I will no longer dread looking at my inbox as it load in the morning.  Work made me hate email, even when the messages were quasi-positive.  Gone is that sense of trepidation each morning.  Now I can concentrate on important emails, like those ads that promise that their pills will make your penis bigger.

Never again will I have to worry about how someone will misinterpret an email message that I have sent, or contemplate if my PowerPoint slide might be taken in the wrong way.  From this point on, I can use the words I desire to express my true feelings rather than couch what I write.

I honestly think I will miss the bitch sessions with my former colleagues once I have retired. Criticizing leadership is a true art form and we have masters in that craft working here.  We are fully enabled by the actions, inactions, and messages from the people at the top of the organization are such a hot mess.

One of the things I am looking forward to in retirement is that no one will take credit for the work that I do.  Not that anyone will want to claim they mowed the yard or took out the trash, but it is nice not having someone steal credit for the effort that I did.

I am pleased to say that the only D&I program that I will ever have to cope with again is Drinking and Insulting; two things I already relish and excel at.

For those of you that have, over the years, taken credit for my work.  Allow me to share this simple and concise thought.  Fuck you.  Just because I worked for you or you were on my team did not entitle you to claim you were the creator when I did all of the actual work.  And yes, I know you got your promotion or your little bonus because of you stealing my effort.  Moreover, I made sure a lot of people knew the truth.  Everyone knows you are the king/queen of the douchebags.

Wow, did that feel good!  My actual retirement letter is, well, classic and goes way beyond these.  Please share this with people nearing retirement to give them inspiration!

One thought on “Retiring? Here are the most humorous things to send in your retirement/departure email – Office Humor

  1. Andrew Hasara

    You forgot to add that you will no longer feel it is an issue to cut your donuts in half and only eat one half (whether you are for or against this is not relevant).

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