Office Humor: Actual Workplace Quotations

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Over the last few decades I have made a point of capturing some wonderful quotes at work and documenting them.  Some are mine, others are from brilliant coworkers who shall remain nameless.  As I approach my early retirement (28 days, 4 hours, 48 minutes – but who’s counting?) I thought I would share some of these gems, if only for the humor-factor. Many of the guilty parties associated with these have moved on, though some still remain.

  • “We’re looking up the ass of the dead dog with fleas.”  We got this one from The Apprentice and it became the basis for this list.
  • “This must be the KY part of the discussion.” Blaine
  • “I’m not being critical, I’m being elitist.”
  • During a review of a promotion candidate:  “If he saw the ball on the middle of the field, he would pick it up and run with it.” “Okay, but what if we were playing golf?” Blaine.
  • This is a case of, “Lift and present.” What Blaine was told to do during a testicular ultrasound, incorporating the phrase at work. “Interesting slide deck, please, lift and present.”
  • “Any jackass can burn down a barn.”
  • “Why buy a dog and then bark yourself?”
  • “I do not wish to lie to you.”
  • “Words are important.”  “Some words are apparently more important than others.”
  • “She couldn’t find his ass with a flashlight and both hands.”
  • “Who be ‘we’?”
  • “We could line up 12 dead guys with him and he still wouldn’t be a rated a 5.”
  • “That was you…you moron?!”
  • “The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.”
  • “Would you like syrup on that waffle?”
  • “It just seems a little evil…”
  • “We’ll decide that once we find someone to fart in Jay’s chair…”  I can only assume Jay had a gas issue.

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  • “Congratulations; so now what are you going to do?” In other words, you were successful, but that was in the past…like five minutes ago.
  • “One of our values is watching our backs.”
  • “That is one of the keys to our excess…”   He meant to say, “Success”
  • “JayFest 05” – The week of events leading up to Jay’s moving to a new role, including lunches, two cakes, and a self-planned party.
  • “Look, you could invent penicillin but if you are not on the list to get a 4 rating this year, you’re not going to get it.”
  • “It could be worse…no, wait, I was wrong.” Blaine
  • “Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.”
  • “I lost my sanity — my curiosity is all that’s left.”  Blaine
  • “Few things in life are solved with the application of another layer of management.” Blaine
  • “I honestly didn’t know that he was there for me.”
  • “What do you have to do to get fired around here?”
  • “May I say something?” “That depends, is it good?”  Blaine
  • “At the end of this you’ll be thanking us for solving this issue for you.”
  • “We have security through obscurity…” (I personally think this is a great T-shirt logo)
  • “We need to communicate the value of the bell curve in personnel ratings.” Here’s a hint, there is no value to the bell curve in ratings for the employee.  Duh.
  • “Add that to our ugly list.”
  • “What is that sound?”  “That’s the mower, I’m mowing right now.”  “I thought you were working today.”  “I am.”  “Look, if it involves grass at all, it’s not work.”
  • “It’s okay to play the role of devil’s advocate.  But if you don’t tell anyone you’re doing it, you’re just being an asshole.”
  • “We’re good at telling people what they should do not necessarily providing them with what they need to do.”
  • “He had a heart attack.”  “Gee, that’s hard to believe, given his lifestyle of, well, rich food.”  “Not to mention, sloth.” “Oh yeah, can’t forget that.”
  • “Whatever solution you use, think globally.”  “How, exactly, do I do that?  I mean we aren’t anywhere near done yet”  “You know, picture a globe…”
  • “Blaine, sometimes you are just evil.  90% of the time you’re good and productive, but 10% of the time you are evil-Blaine – you are disruptive, morale lowering, and corruptive.”  This was a manager wrongly accusing me of giving him anonymous negative feedback.  He was specifically told to not try and indentify the person that gave him the feedback, so he did the exact opposite of that.  PS.  Nothing inspires me more to write incredible negative feedback than to be wrongly accused of writing negative feedback.  More on this in another blog post.
  • “Good morning everyone.”  “I’m not so sure that I can commit to it being a ‘good morning’ just yet.  It’s still too early in the day.”
  • “Assigned to ‘Special Projects’?  Well I guess that entitles her to a small seat on the little yellow bus.”

Work2

  • “You’d think people would respond to a threat of fire a little more than ignoring it.” This was when Dell computer batteries were igniting.
  • “I have knowledge now — next month I should have more knowledge.”
  • “From my accountant’s mind—”  “You’re kidding right?  ‘Accountant’s mind?’ I mean, this is the sixth time I’ve explained Standard Deviation to you.” Blaine
  • “Guys, are we morons — or are we intelligent morons?”
  • “I think Blaine should do it all,” Bob.  “I think Bob is full of shit,” Blaine replied.
  • “Is “mis-remembering” even a word?”
  • “I will endeavor to find new ways to suck in order to be successful.” Blaine
  • “The list isn’t sorting.”  “Are you sure?  When I click on it it sorts.  It just doesn’t display the numbers in ascending or descending order.”  “Uh, that’s the definition of sorting.”  “Right–I can fix that.”
  • “I appreciate everyone responding vocally about the plan, that’s what this project is all about.”  “So this project is about being vocal???” Blaine
  • “I’ll send your name to the project manager to coordinate….  oh wait…  I don’t have one of those…”
  • “When the system goes down there seems to be some functionality that is lost.”  “Isn’t that what happens when the system goes down?”  Blaine
  • “If it involves grass in any way, it’s not work.”  Blaine to a manager about the annual golf outing.
  • “Do you golf?”  “I used to…then I wised up.”  Blaine
  • “It’s a Cannon and a Canyon.  They’ve fired a cannonball across the canyon and decided that is the best way to get across — regardless of the fact everyone is telling them that they need to build a bridge.”
  • “Technically we did deliver on time.”  “Sounds like the customer feels differently.”  Blaine
  • “If you’re calling to chew my ass, I want you to know that the line in front of you was long, distinguished, and they didn’t leave much.”  Blaine
  • Follow-on – “You’re currently suffering from noassatall.”
  • “Does anyone here think that a four minute response time is going to be a show stopper?”  “You are kidding, right?” Blaine
  • Blaine on Status Reporting:  “How can the development team be reporting everything Green and Yellow?  For God’s sake, they spent millions of dollars on an application that was rejected by the customer and the Americas CIO and is five months behind schedule.  I don’t think that’s all green and yellow.  There might be at least a hint of freaking orange in there!”
  • “You need to define ‘slow.'”  “My definition of slow is someone that has to ask the definition of the word, ‘slow’.”  Blaine
  • “He’ll build you the space shuttle when what you ask for is a toaster.”
  • “The way Mexico is acting lately, we call them, ‘South Canada.'”
  • “Is the global mail template really global?”  “That’s what the “global” part stands for.”  Blaine
  • “Blaine the recurring meeting you invited me to has sessions in the past.  Please univite me to the sessions that have already occurred.”  Blaine:  “Please disregard the sessions in the past.  You do not have attend them.”  Especially since that would involve time travel!!!
  • “Rubbing your forehead against a cheese grater would be less painful than dealing with them.”
  • “I’m thinking we’ll have (support) do a reach out to our 4000 users.”  “I think that call is above your pay grade,” Blaine
  • “When are they going to get this meeting started?” “When the other Mensa members show up.”  Blaine
  • “She needs to put down the crack pipe.”
  • “I’m confused – no, wait, I don’t care.”  Blaine
  • “Never before have so many, worked so hard, for so few, for so little.”  Blaine
  • “We are changing our staffing model…” Manager A – introducing a new way to say “layoffs”
  • “Today was a total waste of makeup,”
  • “I feel uncomfortable when things are normal.”
  • “There’s no accounting for psychotic…”
  • “…they’re not being laid off, they’re being co-sourced…”
  • “It’s all about the group grope…everyone has to have their say on everything.”
  • “They don’t need Quickr…they need Smarter.” Blaine
  • “Okay, who put the crazy juice in the NJ water supply this morning?”
  • “I’m sorry I’m late, I had a different idea in my head,”
  • “I would have been on the call but we’ve had a lot of rain lately.”
  • “It’s hard to picture her being happy without a bloody body at her feet.”  Blaine
  • “That will make the monkey jump…” “We’re making monkey’s jump?”
  • “Sixty-seven-percent of New Yorkers are depressed because the light at the end of the tunnel is Jersey”.
  • “She didn’t fall from grace – she jumped from grace.”  Blaine
  • “Let me check, you may be on the failure list.”  “We have a failure list?  It must be long.”  Blaine
  • “There’s busy, then there’s Don Busy.”  Don’s opinion of how much he’s working
  • “He’s a random force of nature. Like a fart in the wind.”
  • “We need one throat to choke.”  One of our illustrious leaders giving us another inspiring one-liner.
  • “It’s a horse in the back and a cow in the front.”
  • “What can you tell us that isn’t public knowledge?”
  • “We don’t have People First, we have People Strange.”  Blaine
  • “Apparently outside of work, I’m some sort of genius.”  Blaine
  • “A kick under the table can be an effective management tool.”
  • “We need to have a big pow wow in the wigwam.”  “That seems like it is insulting to some folks.”
  • “I feel like a kid that’s been thrown into the deep end without any floaters”
  • “Looks like they may have to dust off her coffin…”
  • “He’s not lying, he’s being economical with the truth…”
  • “I could pull of the Miracle on the Hudson and still not get a promotion.”
  • “Why is he on the call?”  “I told him this project was a shit-show.”
  • “Ideation?  Oh please…it’s more like flatulation!”
  • “Don’t let the angry thoughts in my head come out of my mouth as words.”

Please feel free to share this with your friends – or enemies/coworkers.

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