Office Humor – The List of Things I’m Not Allowed to Do At Work – The Buck List

IMG_0148 (1)
Oh, its on like Donkey Kong…

Next week I retire (early – I can’t stress that enough) from working for the Corporate Overlords and dedicate my time to being a full-time author of true crime and science fiction. As such, I need to expend a lot of excess humor that has been building up for some time.

This list, named for my nickname, The Buck List, all started with the infamous “Skippy List.”  The Infamous Skippy List  I decided, like this heroic figure, I needed to keep a list of things I was prohibited from doing.  That was ten years ago.  So the list is, well, comprehensive.

These are things I’m banned from doing, or have learned I shouldn’t do, or things I shouldn’t say aloud.  Some I’ve done – some I’ve only contemplated, others I’ve witnessed and thought, “I’d better not try that shit.”

Fair warning, there may be duplicates.  After around number 400 or so they start to blur together.  Some are inside jokes…I make no apologies.  Most are generic enough for everyone to enjoy, especially IT folks.

Feel free to share with anyone you think needs a laugh.  After ten years, the list has grown pretty long, so there is enough there to tide you over for some time.  Enjoy!

THE BUCK LIST

  1. I do not have the authority to stop, start, kill or create any technological deployment. I should though.
  2. I cannot include ‘kill all the bastards’ or ‘they should be lynched’ as part of any change plan.
  3. Telling project managers that they are defying the laws of physics, while entirely accurate, is not permissible behavior.
  4. Sound effects during presentations is a frowned upon.   (You do one crash and explosion and the world comes down on you…)
  5. Referring to the good old days as the good old days is a no-no…in the eyes of the current “leaders.”
  6. I do not have the authority to change my career ladder into a career escalator.  Sidebar:  Stop referring to a “career basement.”
  7. My career ladder does not include being CIO, CEO, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, or Emperor of the Universe.
  8. Pretending I’m on mute and mocking the speaker is considered inappropriate.

8a.  Using the middle finder to tell someone that they are number one while on camera is considered inappropriate.

  1. Whispering “Remember, thou art mortal” in the ear of any of the leadership team during their presentation is banned.
  2. I am not allowed to change knowledge database entries to all read, “Reboot the server or PC,’ as step 1
  3. There is no “God of Change.”  Wearing a toga doth not make it so.
  4. Impersonating Captain Picard on conference calls with the UK is not as funny as I like to think.
  5. When asked, “How will you make that change?” an appropriate response does not involve attaching electrical hookups to body parts and ‘giving them a shock or two.’
  6. No one wants to hear about ‘reality.’  (Good to know!)
  7. Saying ‘I told you so, I told you so, I told you so — you realize I was right all along’ is considered repetitive.
  8. I am to cease using the phrase, ‘When I am king…’ at the start of my meetings.
  9. Supergluing everything down to the desktop in the hotelling office space is a no-no.  For the record in a typical office this is a 2.3 tubes of Superglue task – verified at Ford Motor Company, Truck Operations IT Department in 1992 by yours truly.
  10. Using someone else’s Skype account to send funny messages to the rest of the department is considered a no-no.  Even if they forgot to secure their PC properly which technically IS a violation of security standards.  Still a no-no.
  11. Replacing the items in the supply cabinet with items found in the parking lot is not acceptable behavior.  This bad behavior has caused the New Jersey people to lose their cabinet space.  Repercussions Blaine, repercussions.
  12. Putting up police caution tape to turn the atrium elevator into my own personal lift is not permitted.
  13. Using sock puppets in lieu of PowerPoint is a banned activity.  Especially if the puppets are made to represent members of the leadership team…and done with their voices/accents.
  14. I do not have the authority to reorganize IT Services in my own image.
  15. Drawing pentagrams in the office atrium is not allowed.
  16. Putting up a sticky note in the cafeteria in front of the daily special on Sushi day that says, “That’s not fish…” isn’t as funny I liked to believe.  (I totally did this!)
  17. When your boss says he likes a “tuna roll” you should imply that it is a sexual phrase.  Funny yes, just not to him.
  18. Secretly altering the specifications for any application is a no-no.
  19. Playing the theme from Hogan’s Heroes in the background when you have a conference call with German staff is verboten.
  20. Insisting on changing your ID badge with a new photograph on each visit only serves to frustrate the security staff (which it was INTENDED TO DO.)
  21. When in New Jersey, I am not allowed to ask someone from Facilities to assist in creating an ID badge before 9am.  Even if you have a meeting you need to attend and the person is sitting at their desk doing nothing.  Do Not ASK.
  22. Rewaving your machine weekly does not make it run faster – it simply drives the support staff crazy.
  23. Selling firm-owned laser printers on eBay is not permitted.
  24. Labeling people’s personal possessions at work as “Basura” is in poor taste on at least two levels.
  25. I do not have the right to auction off Director’s parking places – even when they don’t use them.
  26. Replacing the road signs around the office is dangerous despite being funny.
  27. “Uh uh” is not valid rebuttal to a suggestion to change the plan.
  28. Light yellow font color on a white background, while technically branding compliant, is not appropriate.
  29. Just because you can make things a six point font does not mean that you should.
  30. I am not authorized to change the operating model of IT to make life easier for me.
  31. My SecurID Fob is not a piece of jewelry.  Definitely not an earring. (For one week I wore mine as a necklace. No one said anything.)
  32. The dress code apparently applies when you are working at home…and using video conferencing.
  33. Planning a coup de tat is not an accepted firm team building event.
  34. I will stop reminding the German staff we kicked their ass in the war.
  35. I will stop reminding the British that if it wasn’t for us, they would have gotten their ass kicked in the war. (See, equal abuse on both sides guys!)
  36. No one fully appreciates my impersonations in meetings or on conference calls.  Especially my impersonations of the leadership team.
  37. I am not allowed to perform Shakespeare in meetings to make a point. (Which I did!)
  38. Referring to the new college hires as “Snot Nosed College Pukes” is not a motivator for them – despite being accurate.
  39. My annual goals list is not supposed to be, “a work of creative fiction.”
  40. Reserving numerous meeting rooms I have no intention of using angers the locals.
  41. Booting someone out of their conference room by claiming I already have it booked (when I don’t) is only funny to me.
  42. Photographs of butt tattoos should not be submitted to be made branding compliant.
  43. I do not have a fireworks permit for NJ.  Even if I did, it doesn’t apply indoors.  Corollary:  Setting off fireworks in the men’s room is a less-than-acceptable response to all of the stalls being used.
  44. I am not allowed to operate my own personal company branding website.
  45. I may not change the firm’s tagline to “Quality in Whatever We Damn Well Say!”
  46. Or “Do what we say and you won’t get hurt.”
  47. Putting up fake tombstones in the office with the words, ‘People First” on them is not an acceptable behavior or Halloween decoration.
  48. I am not allowed to add or edit Values to the Firm’s Values List.
  49. Discussing politics at work purely to get people angry and upset is discouraged.
  50. Referring to leadership as “Drooling morons,” however accurate, is not allowed.  Nor is putting up posters that say the same thing.
  51. Erasing the phrase “Do Not Erase” from whiteboards in conference rooms on your way out of the building is a no-no.
  52. My change plan cannot have a workstream called “Fire the SOB’s!”
  53. I may not ask for a “Fortress of Solitude” as part of the workplace of the future.  Corollary:  I do not have permission to build my own Fortress of Solitude in any office.  Nor may I requisition parts for one.  I’m not even allowed to build a pillow fort.
  54. I will stop bringing up the need for jetpacks and flying cars as part of the workplace of the future.
  55. I will stop pointed out that the workplace of the future is just a scam to get us to work from home – something that was discouraged only a few years ago.
  56. Submitting requests in Service Now to decommission active applications is not an acceptable test of our processes – especially when it happens.
  57. Putting Out of Order signs on all of the restrooms in Secaucus is not appropriate social behavior.
  58. Attempting to organize a sing-along in the men’s room while conducting my personal business is a no-no.
  59. I will not use the word, “cute” to describe significant leadership-driven initiatives.  I will also not say things like, “It’s cute that you think it works that way…” or “How cute that you believe that…”  My definition of cute and the rest of the organizations is markedly different.
  60. I will stop maintaining a database of leadership incompetency’s – and stop posting graphs produced with said data.
  61. “Change management” does not imply that I have the authority to order someone to change their attitudes, personalities, or dispositions.  Putting it in a change plan is also not permitted.
  62. I am not allowed to write my annual goals in Klingon – or Romulan.  (Personally I think they lose something when translated to English, but that’s just me.)
  63. Just because someone chuckles, that does not mean what I said was correct/legal/appropriate.
  64. “Because I’m smarter than everyone else in the room,” is not a solid, tangible, business justification…despite being true.
  65. “You may be right, but that would be a first.” does not garner teaming. Yes, I did this.
  66. I will not explain how a deployment defies the laws of physics on a whiteboard.  I will also not label the diagram as, “Why your stupid deployment defies the laws of physics.”
  67. No one is amused when I say, “Our employees can’t read.”
  68. I will not use any non-American accents when responding to questions by staff in other countries.
  69. A change network does not have its own logo and theme music.
  70. “Armed enforcement squads,” are not a known change lever.
  71. Running to snitch on someone with the CIO is not demonstrating leadership.
  72. Dismantling a chair and Fed-exing the parts back to my home for reassembly is not a good use of my time.  It does, however, prove our mail room will package and ship just about anything. (I actually had this planned out at one point in time.)
  73. Building a fort out of office furnishings just outside of the cafeteria is not a team building event. Entrenching is also discouraged. “But think of the lives I’d be saving” is not a valid excuse.
  74. Just because the supply cabinet door is open, it is not an invitation to rearrange the items to confuse my colleagues.
  75. I will not record and play my own music for the background of conference calls.  Also sound effects are also banned.
  76. Whoopie cushions in the guest waiting area at reception, while funny, is to be admonished.
  77. Resetting the heights of every chair in the office at night is in poor taste. (I did the entire 4th floor two days in a row.)
  78. Bringing my own toilet paper with me to the restroom, while more comforting, is considered inappropriate and unfair to the other poor souls who use that single-ply, double-grit material passed off as toilet paper.
  79. Installing my own vending machines, especially those in the bathroom, is prohibited.
  80. Asking for definitions, then snickering, is disrespectful (allegedly).
  81. A “Blue on Green Attack” is not a change strategy.
  82. Altering the daily lunch special sign with the words “Cat” or “Soylent Green” outside the cafeteria is not permitted.
  83. “I’m sorry you believe that,” is not the same as an apology.  Nor is, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or, “I’m sorry your sense of reality is so out of alignment.”  (For the record, they all start with, “I’m sorry…”)
  84. I cannot have an annual goal to “Kill the senior leadership and assume control of the organization.”
  85. I need to stop suggesting that a time machine is the best solution to our many issues.
  86. When someone makes a mistake I should not point out that in feudal Japan, they would have killed themselves to preserve honor.
  87. I do not have the authority to form an Away Team.
  88. Yelling, “Set phasers on kill!” does not end the debate.
  89. I am not allowed to formulate my own resourcing strategy.
  90. I cannot institute a dress code for IT Services based on the classic Star Trek TV series.  Nor can I designate the cloud engineering team as, “The Red Shirts”
  91. The CIO is not “The Head Weenie” nor “Queen of the Weenies”
  92. I will not assign myself or my colleagues call-signs ala Top Gun.   I am not “Stud-Muffin” nor is my manager “Chrome-Dome”
  93. My office is not to be referred to as “The bridge” or “The CIC.”
  94. There is no job description for “Self-Appointed Morale Officer” that the firm considers valid.
  95. Quoting Star Trek, while perfectly relevant, is lost on those that don’t watch the series.
  96. I will stop telling people I’m clairvoyant.
  97. Other people in the room are slightly insulted when I say things like, “I’m not smart, I just look that why compared with my peers.”
  98. Putting out of order signs on all of the vending machines as a form of protest irritates the locals.
  99. I will stop referring to the staff in Secaucus as ‘The locals.”  I will also stop calling them, “My Merry Men.”

107a.    I will stop referring to the Secaucus office as ‘the swamps of NJ’ even though it is in a Bruce Springsteen song.

  1. The Cleveland office staff does not like being referred to as, “The Mistake On the Lake”
  2. I need to stop referring to the senor leaders as ‘Our Mensa Society Chapter.”  I can only assume the Mensa people were offended…
  3. I will stop requisitioning hardware to build my own working model of the Death Star.
  4. “Basura” is only supposed to be labeled on trash – not everything in someone’s office (who knew?)  A Corollary rule:  Just because you have access to two pads of sticky notes and a pen does not mean you need to use them labeling things in people’s offices.
  5. The mail room is not my personal valet service.  For the record, they’re not good at it anyway.
  6. No one has commissioned me to see how many pages the printer can print before jamming.  Such experiments on hardware are not permitted.
  7. Replacing the dry erase markers with Sharpees is prohibited.
  8. Stocking conference rooms with only dried out dry erase markers is cruel and unusual.
  9. Chair Racing is not an office Olympic Event.  In fact, there are NO Office Olympics.  That includes the stapler toss, the 50 yard office streaking competition, or “the number of people we can fit into this JIT,” event.
  10. I do not have the power to choke people like Darth Vadar and should stop going through the gestures during meetings where I disagree with the speaker.  I should also not say, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
  11. Random numbers a charge code doth not make.
  12. When ordering office supplies, “one of each” is not an acceptable order.
  13. The Staples catalog is the only accepted source for ordering supplies.  Government auctions, eBay, and army surplus stores are not considered firm-related suppliers
  14. Calling the INS to the office to scare the cleaning staff is in poor taste and potentially illegal.
  15. Posting employees resume’s on Monster.comin hopes they will get an offer and leave is tacky.  Writing up their resume’s in the first place is ‘presumptive.’
  16. Voodoo dolls of the staff are not permitted in the workplace.  Nor am I to be selling them on ESTY.
  17. The “workplace of the future” does not include waterboarding.
  18. I do not have the authority to execute my own fire drill by pulling the fire alarm.
  19. I will not pay people to pull the fire alarm so that I can get off of a boring conference call.
  20. I will not say, “Roger” every time someone speaks to me on a conference call.
  21. I do not have permission to conduct my own psychological experiments on the staff in Secaucus (or any other office) even if they are ‘in the name of science.’
  22. I may not attach my own cables/locks to people’s PC’s while they are at lunch without their permission.
  23. Doing mime impersonations from a JIT to those that walk by is not helping my career.
  24. Doing my daily run in the office because it is raining outside is not permitted – even though Crazy Jane did it.
  25. Beans + slow-moving-elevator = a combination I’m not allowed to make.
  26. Setting up my own toy donation box at Christmas in the cafeteria is in poor taste and potentially illegal.
  27. When traveling to NJ, I will not paint my face to match that of Mel Gibson during Braveheart.
  28. I will stop trying to convince my Italian co-workers that Olive Garden is Italian Food. Paul actually threatened me once when I did this.
  29. I will stop referring to my Italian co-workers as “Snooki” …especially the men…especially Paul.
  30. Bringing and tuning my bagpipes in the office is not an effective use of my time – nor is there a charge code for that. True story…
  31. There is no “bring a homeless person to work” day in the firm.
  32. Submitting our office to “Flip this House” was not appropriate.
  33. Just because I own the right set of tools for dismantling and reassembling cubicles, does not mean that I have the authority to do so.
  34. If I’m going to check my iPad for personal mail, watch a movie, or play a game – it is best to not do so on a video conference call.
  35. Nap time ended in kindergarten.
  36. Peanut butter or Vaseline and the earpiece of a telephone are not a combination I’m allowed to make.  (I might add that this is very humorous in a shared hotelling office).
  37. Calling my peers “terrorists” is wrong.  Giving their names to Homeland Security is too.
  38. I will not refer to my manager as ‘el Gringo’  ‘el Gringo’ is not Spanish for ‘The balding man.”
  39. My UK colleagues don’t like to be called, “a bunch of wankers” especially when I do it with a cockney accent.
  40. I will stop using the phrase, “my alleged peers…”
  41. I have not, nor will I ever, be in line to be “Lord-God King and Sovereign of the firm.”  I am also not allowed to use this in my signature block to, ‘test it out.’
  42. I may not invite organizations to take part in EY Connect Day.
  43. I may not wear a kilt in the office as part of dress attire.  I must further not wear the traditional undergarment (nothing), and, to drive this point home, I am not allowed to cross my legs while wearing a kilt.
  44. Asking any director what their IQ is, is inappropriate.   So is asking, “Really?!” when they provide an answer.  Also banned, “No Way!”  and “Wow did I lose that bet!” Corollary:  Organizing a betting pool and collecting money on ‘how long you think this person will last’ is not chargeable time and negatively impacts my utilization.
  1. I do not have signature authority for the eight foot sub sandwich for Subway.
  2. Underwear is not a miscellaneous expense.  I cannot claim it as a business expense because, “When I heard the plan it scared the shit out of me.”  Corollary:  The employees who process my expense reports are not amused with my sense of humor.  Additional Corollary:  I do not get points for creativity on my travel expense report nor does this qualify as an annual goal.
  3. Hanging a picture of me at the beach in front of the camera during a video conference call apparently demonstrates a lack of respect. For the record, it took two weeks before someone figured it out.
  4. I will stop accusing the network engineers of running porn sites on our servers.
  5. Information Security does not have a sense of humor and I should stop looking to try and find it.
  6. I will stop referring to my time with the government as, “When I worked for “The Agency”” This is so true…I was asked just a month ago if it was true that I worked for the CIA before the firm. “I can’t discuss my former employment…” is a great counter to this question.
  7. Sporks are not playthings – they are especially not catapults for things I grabbed at the salad bar.
  8. I am not in charge of creating new acronyms at work.
  9. The looting of office supplies is to be done with some degree of discretion.  Posts describing the thefts to Facebook and Twitter are not discreet.
  10. I will not attempt to use the Jedi mind-trick to get out of work assignments.  “This is not the change manager you are looking for…”
  11. No one in the office is “Part of the rebel alliance.”  There are, however, stormtroopers.
  12. The Europeans do not understand the North American Redneck…so any such references are to be terminated from my vocabulary – ya’all.
  13. A PIP is not the same thing as a PIMP.
  14. Releasing wild animals in the atrium is banned.
  15. New Jersey is not, “one of the known gateways to hell.”   Nor is Cleveland.
  16. Stop telling Applications Engineering that, “You guys put the W in Quality.”  They will never understand that joke.
  17. Leaving suspicious packages in the cafeteria and atrium is inappropriate.
  18. I am not Superman and should not wear a cape at work…despite the fact that it is stylish.  This includes my own homemade capes made from Hyatt bath towels.
  19. The Eastern Europeans are not “gypsies out to steal your children!”
  20. “Being technically brain dead,” is not a hiring qualification. (I still contend it moves you higher on the promotion list.)
  21. I will stop offering to loan my spine to managers who can’t commit or make up their minds.  Apparently one of them actually got the joke.  (I know, it shocked me too!)
  22. The New Jersey staff do not like me referring to Atlanta as, ‘the new center of the IT universe.”
  23. There is no charge code for updating my Facebook status and I should stop asking for it.
  24. Hazing is not part of employee orientation.
  25. I will not purposely steal people’s waiting car service vehicles to get to the airport.  For the record, the first time I did this it was an “accident.”
  26. The correct answer is “Yes, I did pack my bags myself.”   TSA people are not trained to identify when someone is joking.
  27. Responding to emails in Pig Latin is otna lowedna.
  28. I was not on the grassy knoll the day Kennedy was shot and should stop claiming I was.
  29. Having a nightmare about work does not allow me to bill that time against a charge code.
  30. “One shot, one kill,” is not a good response to how I would suggest fixing the problem.
  31. The desk staff at the Embassy Suites do not like it when you mention the suicide/jumper there.  The staff working at the food court hate it more since that’s where he hit.
  32. An “End-User Journey” is not us pushing them down a flight of stairs.
  33. “Serial Arsonist” is not an end point on my career ladder.
  34. I will not refer to the TSA screeners at Newark Airport as, “Barney and Andy.”  Apparently they don’t find this humorous.
  35. I am not allowed to dig a tunnel under the wire.
  36. It is not my job to test the security of the firm’s network.
  37. “I told you so!” does not foster teaming.
  38. There is no “Thunder Cloud,” “Rain-Cloud,” or “Hail-Cloud.”  There’s only THE Cloud.  All hail The Cloud.
  39. All references to “Hitler” or “Mussolini are prohibited on employee morale calls.
  40. I will stop smiling when the news is bad.
  41. I will stop laughing when the news is REALLY bad.
  42. When in the x-ray machine at the airport, with my hands over my head, I will not shake my hips like a male stripper.  Again, TSA has no sense of humor.
  43. I’m not authorized to hold my own beauty pageants at work. Corollary:  No one shows up to see the swimsuit competition – go figure.  Hats off the Paul for winning last year! Way to sport that Speedo.
  44. I will stop referring to the organization chart as “A rough guideline.”
  45. The people who attend technology fairs are not “technology fairies”
  46. When someone says, “I expect more from you Blaine,” the correct response is not, “Welcome to the party pal.”
  47. I will stop asserting that employee policy can violate the laws of physics.
  48. I will no longer invite random people to instant meetings – nor graph their responses.
  49. Firm security does not have a policy that allows me to create my own ciphers and codes for emails.
  50. I am not allowed to declare random hard stops to meetings. (Example:  “I have a 1:23pm hard stop.”)
  51. When I ask obvious questions I need to be aware that someone on the call is being mocked (by me).
  52. Bringing in “Danger Radiation” caution tape to the office and using it on the doors to the server rooms impedes productivity.
  53. No one is amused with my chalk outlines of dead bodies on the carpet.
  54. The cleaning staff is not employed to be a source of amusement for me.
  55. Relocating someone one cubicle to the right after hours is a no-no.
  56. Calling in a bomb threat to give the office a break is not a wise move – and the Department of Homeland Security is not amused.
  57. The summer interns are not “lambs for the slaughter.”
  58. I am not to take calls while in the bathroom.  Likewise I am not to tell people where I’m taking the call from.
  59. I will not use my connections to have people from work added to the Do Not Fly list right before their vacation.
  60. I do not have a budget in my non-official role of Chief Morale Officer.
  61. I will not sponsor a contest of “Things that rhyme with JIT.”
  62. I will stop calling the Secaucus Office “The Swamp”
  63. I will stop pretending that my phone is on mute to cover for me saying bad things about the people on the call.  (I will NOT apologize for it however).
  64. I did not “summon” Hurricane Sandy to destroy New York and New Jersey.
  65. “Alchemy” is not the answer to a deployment-related problem.
  66. IT Services does not create the Blue Screen of Death to keep our Techs employed.
  67. I will not stencil “Reserved” on parking spaces at random in the employee lot just so I have a place to park.
  68. There is no charge code for a Starbucks run.
  69. I am not “The Encryption Officer,” and no such role exists in IT Services.
  70. The London team is not to be referred to as the “Lords and Ladies.”  Nor is their leader to be called, “Your Lordship.” or ‘The Court Jester’  (In fairness, I was being sarcastic…)
  71. I am not permitted to build or name my own Cloud.
  72. When posed with the question, “What you are working on?” an inappropriate answer is, “Calculating the amount of explosives needed to take down the Jersey office building.”
  73. When filling out the Green Building Survey, I will not respond to the question, “How many miles did you drive into the office today?” with “None, I can fly.”
  74. There is no contest to the amount of office supplies I can steal and stuff into my backpack.  There are also no prizes for this (beyond the stuff in my backpack).
  75. When asked by a partner if I think it’s appropriate to bring a Pepsi product when we have Coke as a major client; the proper response is not:  “You can have my Diet Mountain Dew when you can peel my cold dead fingers from around the can.”  Also not acceptable is the shortened version, “Fuck off.”
  76. I will not use rolled or lose coins smaller than quarters to pay for my McLean parking for the day.  The parking staff and the people behind me do not find it entertaining.
  77. I will not loudly moan erotically when getting my free flu shot at the office.
  78. The Enterprise Plan was not drawn up on a placemat at IHOP and I should stop telling people that.
  79. I will not refer to parking lot flooding at the NJ office as “Lake McCreadie,” or “Lake Osborn” Both of them lack a sense of humor.
  80. There is no contest as to how much abuse I can inflict on a rental car – even a Chrysler.
  81. I am not authorized to put up my own signage – especially if it is funny.
  82. Asking the security people “How would you handle a bomb threat?” is inappropriate and I do not technically have need of that information.  These folks like a sense of humor almost as much as the TSA.
  83. Pointing out that the technology everyone is counting on currently doesn’t exist, only serves to piss leaders off.
  84. The project timeline is a not a “crazy-ass guess.”  Keeping track of how many times the project deadline has been changes is only entertaining to those in the US
  85. Laughing at stupid ideas is not considered to be people-friendly, no matter how much the chuckling is deserved.
  86. Having firearms hanging up on display behind me during video conference calls is intimidating to some, frightening to others.  My LAW (Light Anti-Tank Weapon) is a bit over the top. (True story)
  87. I am not a Ninja (but I may have Ninja-like abilities.)
  88. No software deployment can cause a rift in the space-time continuum.
  89. I will stop referring to “The Cloud” as if it were a person.  Example: “I wonder what the Cloud thinks about this timing?”
  90. I “ain’t no hollar back girl.”
  91. I will stop calling our IT strategy, “Whack-A-Mole.”
  92. The Dependency Report has nothing to do with drugs.
  93. There is no IT Services Fundraising Committee nor am I allowed to sponsor bake sales, cake walks, or other revenue generating activities using the committee’s name.
  94. Planting marijuana in the flower beds in the Secaucus office atrium is mostly illegal.  In fact, planting anything in the atrium is prohibited.  So is putting up scarecrows.  Write it down.
  95. I need to start talking about my “career.”  It’s a fictional character at best.
  96. I will not steal Cushman Carts at Newark International Airport.  In my defense, the airline shouldn’t have changed the gate to the other end of the concourse AND they shouldn’t have left the keys in the Cushman.  Note:  TSA does more than frown at this behavior – IF they catch you! (True Story: The Business Trip) The Business Trip From Hell
  97. The Cloud does not move with the wind.
  98. The change plan does not consist of a sign that says, “Keep Calm and Carry On.”
  99. The leaders do not like to be corrected, told they are wrong, laughed at, or have their authority questioned.  They especially hate it if you do all of this in the first five minutes of a meeting.
  100. Using quotes from Dr. Who and/or Star Trek does not solidify people’s confidence in me and should be refrained from.
  101. Things left on a white board are not invitations for me to edit as I see fit.  (I once added three redundant steps to a support model someone left up with a “Do Not Erase” line.  I also edited a networking diagram once and it stayed that way for at least a month.)   Corollary:  I am not a network engineer nor should I pretend to be one.
  102. The program manager was not “recently released from an asylum.”  Well, not that I could prove. Evidence is still pending.
  103. I do not, nor will I ever have, “Evil Minions to do my bidding.”  This includes flying monkeys.   I also may not include them in my resource requests or on my staffing plans.
  104. I do not score points for creativity when filling out my Global People Survey.
  105. Pointing out that I was right a year ago on the topic at hand does not advance the conversation.
  106. I will stop ending my calls with, “A Lannister Always Pays His Debts.”
  107. My answer to a proposed solution (regardless of the level of stupidity) should not start with, “Yeah, and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt…”
  108. I cannot call everyone on the conference call, “Dude.”  Nor am I to use that when calling American Express Travel Services.
  109. I may not call in an airstrike on my position as a way of deflecting discussion.
  110. My intimate knowledge of the internal workings and yields of nuclear warheads is not appropriate office conversation.  It makes folks a wee bit edgy.
  111. I am not allowed to use a time machine to solve the problems with the current project/program.   I am also requested to not tell people I have a time machine, it makes them nervous.
  112. The purpose of the Mercury program has nothing to do with opening the gates of hell.
  113. I cannot base my plans on the Mayan calendar.
  114. I am not an Admiral, General or Field Marshal.  I am not to ask people to address me with those titles at work.
  115. I will not eat my own dog food.  Nor am I to serve it to others during team lunches.
  116. Putting a sport coat on over my Captain America T-Shirt does not dress me up enough for a video conference.
  117. The networking lab is not a cover for a Meth lab.  Note:  The New Jersey State Police requested I add this one to my list.  PS.  That raid was awesome.
  118. “Opening a can of whoop ass,” is not a deliverable on my change plan.
  119. Not ALL contractors are “blood sucking ticks.”   (I am keeping a list, however, of those that are.)
  120. Taping signs to the NJ office windows facing outward that say, “I’m being held hostage!  Contact police!” is not acceptable behavior on my part.
  121. I may not reserve a conference room for one year (Did this while in Tax – brilliant!  It took them four months to figure out what I had done. )
  122. The OSS staff do not like to be referred to as “Uncle Ernie’s Geek Squad.”
  123. I need to stop referring to EY as “Uncle Ernie.” I took that one as a strong suggestion.
  124. I will not swap out the free breath freshener (mouth wash) in the McLean men’s room with tequila and green food coloring.  Putting up the video of people using this on YouTube is also highly discouraged.
  125. I may not requisition office supplies and use the Justification field to read:  “For the Zombie Apocalypse.”
  126. EY Connect Day is not an employee dating service.  Telling the new hires that’s what the day is for is prohibited.
  127. I will not impersonate an authorized elevator repairperson.
  128. I am not to have more than three axis to any graphical representation in PowerPoint.  (This limits trans-dimensional concepts and most of the Methodology teams’ materials)
  129. My plan cannot assume that in another multi-verse there is someone smarter who will be brought in to clean up the mess in this universe.   “The assumptions in your plan are not a playground for your imagination…”
  130. My definition of “End User Experience” is incorrect (according to everyone in IT Services).
  131. I will not refer to a change network as a “coven.”
  132. I will not preface a question to my new leader with, “Now that your honeymoon period is over…”  True story.
  133. I should stop referring to my writing career as “The career I actually care about.”
  134. Referring to my colleagues as, “people who are marginally competent,” is not the compliment I intended it to be (hey, I used the word competent!)
  135. I will not test Andy Walsh’s theory that you can fire off a cannon in the hall and not hit anyone before 8am in the Secaucus office.  Personally, I think it’s a matter of aim…
  136. “Bazinga!” is not an acceptable response to questions about my change strategy.
  137. I should stop quoting Machiavelli on conference calls.  Apparently no one takes these references as positive suggestions.
  138. My happy dance does not translate well on a conference call.
  139. Wearing the cowboy hat to “liven up” a video conference call is inappropriate attire.
  140. So is wearing coveralls with no shirt. (I swear I can’t seem to please anyone some days!)
  141. The employee assistance program cannot answer philosophical questions.
  142. The employee assistance program cannot answer complex math questions.
  143. The employee assistance program is not my personal valet (Hey, it says “assist” – doesn’t that make you my assistant?)
  144. The employee assistance program is not a suicide prevention hotline and do not appreciate such prank calls (this includes asking them for escort services in the area, attempting to rent a tank, or asking how to purchase blimp rides.)
  145. Answering in the form of a riddle is not funny.
  146. I will not attempt to upload my own select videos to the elevators in Five Times Square.
  147. There is no contest to come up with things that include the CIO’s name.  Examples;   MOron, MOrtified, MOved, MOrbid, MOllified, MOrale, EMOtional, etc..  (This all started with an email from the Comms team – so technically, THEY started it.)
  148. My conference calls do not require my own customized soundtrack playing in the background. Corollary:  It is not funny to have someone sing ‘All by Myself’ in the background while hosting the ‘Working Virtually in IT’ discussion call.
  1. Referencing my “Evil Plan” makes some people jittery and I am to cease this immediately.
  2. My self-evaluation is not a platform for me to present how I would reorganize IT Services.  It is also not a political platform, nor is it a place for me to float up sample chapters of books I am writing.
  3. Starting a conference call with an evil laugh, “Muahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!” is forbidden.
  4. Calling someone out as a “liar!” does not smooth things over.
  5. Playing the Dr. Who theme music to introduce the UK conference call attendees is insensitive (and totally awesome!)
  6. The Eureka! Contest is not a platform for me to make fun of others.  (Those nap pod suggestions provided many minutes of entertainment.)
  7. The department should not be referred to as “Our little Game of Thrones.”
  8. I will not test the Emergency Response phone number every day to make sure it’s working.
  9. I will not provide internal auditors with my “Chart of Leadership Inadequacies” and the supporting 42 page appendix.
  10. I will not threaten or follow-through on forming an employee union. Further, I do not have the authority to call for a strike.  Despite the cool sounding name “International Brotherhood of IT Professionals” it is considered to be in poor taste to suggest such a formation.
  11. During an evacuation of the building I will not bring food or beverages into the stairwell out.  (We actually have this as a rule!)
  12. It is not in my prevue to dramatically alter strategic programs – even when I am right – which is often.
  13. I have limited authority to delegate upward – but it is not due to lack of trying.
  14. I need to stop saying ‘What can they do to me, give me a 3 rating’ when discussing an approach to work.
  15. I am not authorized to submit lists of departments to be outsourced.
  16. While it may be fun, I should not play ‘Save the Firm Money’ by making a list of those whose work I question
  17. The cafeteria is not my private science lab.  Corollary:  Diet Coke, Menthos, and the cafeteria are not a permissible combination.
  18. My job title is not:  “Semi-Professional Astronaut,” “Castration Specialist,” “Career Assassin,” or “Mercenary Thug.”
  19. I am to stop questioning our new strategy by pointing out its obvious flaws.
  20. The education budget is not designed for me to test its limitations and exceptions.
  21. I will stop suggesting that I am on performance enhancing drugs at work.  Corollary:  Caffeine is not an IT-used performance enhancing drug.
  22. My midyear review is not a platform for advocating “the violent overthrow of the Corporate Overlords.”
  23. The universe is not my plaything.  Nor is the staff meeting.
  24. I will not make everyone recite the Oath of the Night Watch (from Game of Thrones) to kick off my status calls.
  25. Taking time composing drinking songs about technology deployments is not billable hours to the project.
  26. I am not allowed to announce deployment dates until we are 100% sure we can hit those dates…which means after the fact.
  27. I do not have the authority to set up my own performance management system.  And it cannot include “Acts of Personal Bravery,” “Self-Sacrifice,” or personal ratings using my own “Stupid-o-meter.”  I cannot set up ratings based on the terrorist alert color index.  “You are currently an elevated threat Karen…”
  28. I will not suggest that there is a project hymnal when someone says we need to be on the same hymn sheet.  I will also not say that song #390 is Amazing Disgrace.  (This actually came up on a call.)
  29. I do not have the authority to form a jury – nor am I a judge.  I cannot pass sentence on my colleagues.
  30. I will not use sock puppets to describe deployments.  Especially not flaming sock puppets.
  31. My holistic view of the universe does not necessarily have me placed in the center of it.
  32. I may not start referring to myself with a “Double Oh” number, ie. 007.  I do not have a license to kill, maim, lead revolutions, or set up peer-to-peer networks.
  33. I may not send out a “bouquet of turds,” to the communications manager who makes such stupid mistakes.
  34. The phrase “Techtard” is insensitive in describing some of our managers who can’t use technology.
  35. I do not have the authority to grant or deny diplomatic recognition to any country’s IT team.
  36. When someone tells me how they are going to measure their deployment, laughing at them is not the best response I should be able to muster.
  37. I will not scream, “Power to the people,” during a call about potential layoffs.
  38. “I wouldn’t do that shit if I were you,” is not a proactive comment on my behalf.
  39. The career-framework does not allow you access to the “career shit-tank.”  Also, I will stop making things to add onto the career framework.
  40. The company location strategy is not “that annoying little thing you can just ignore.”
  41. When I say “I trust him as far as I could throw him,” I shouldn’t attempt to demonstrate that principle.
  42. I will not craft my own criteria for layoffs.
  43. Spreading rumors about new technology hub locations (i.e. Pigsknuckle Arkansas) is funny only to me.
  44. I will not build a still on firm time.  I am not a bootlegger or rum-runner.  I will not sample my output under the auspices that it is ‘quality control.’  I will not label my moonshine as “Uncle Ernie’s Fire Water,” and use the beam logo on the label.
  45. Suggesting that, “the team in _______ has their heads shoved up their asses,” does not get them to fall into line behind my plan (though for the record, no one offered a rebuttal.)
  46. I am not to accept money for Linkedin endorsements.
  47. I will stop holding betting pools to determine when people will quit the _____ program.  Nor will I advertise these pools on social media sites.
  48. I will not commit acts of genocide or planetary destruction just because the opportunity presents itself.
  49. I will not impersonate Mel Gibson – from any of his movies.  When my manager asked “what do you want?” I will not yell, ‘Freedom!”   Sidebar: My manager is quick to point out that she is not authorized to grant freedom.
  50. Referring to a plan as “delusional” doesn’t cheer anyone up on the call.
  51. I will not attempt to find gaps in plans that I don’t have access to (Example:  location strategy)
  52. The OTJ Coaching Inquiry – Have you received on-the-job coaching? survey is not  a plaything for me to voice my opinions on leadership, strategy, or technologies.
  53. There is no prize for being named Top Innovator.
  54. I will not conduct informal polls, surveys, or focus groups without informal (imaginary) authorization.
  55. I do not have the authorization to call a meeting of all of the counselors.
  56. I will stop implying that I know “who’s on the list” when it comes to location strategy.
  57. I am not to point out the stupidity of renaming a project after we’ve already started deployment and communications. Note:  It doesn’t change the fact that it is IS stupid – I’m just not to point it out.
  58. I will at least pretend that the communications team leader has some degree of authority or commands respect.  Stress “pretend.”
  59. I will not play the theme to the Benny Hill Show in the background during conference calls.
  60. I will stop creating acronyms to deliberately confuse my colleagues.
  61. I will stop referencing teams or departments that don’t exist.  Example:  The Networking infrastructure Ad-Hoc Design Committee or The Global Operating Model Advisory Council.   (Frankly, these fictitious names only added to my credibility in meetings.)
  62. There is a three-time limit on telling people on conference calls who dial in with mobile phones or Lync that their connection sucks.  If they don’t get it after three times, they won’t get it on the fourth.  Also mimicking them with fake static every other third word is also considered socially unacceptable.  I think this is a good strategy.
  63. I will not establish change networks without some authorization from someone.  Note:  Apparently silence is not an authorization – go figure…
  64. I do not have a license to keep the IT leaders up to speed with everything I’m doing.  They apparently don’t care.
  65. I am not allowed to create my own bank holidays.
  66. I am to cease reporting how many days since the last management change on the status report.
  67. I do not have my own Target Operating Model.  Charting it doesn’t make it real.
  68. I will not give Marketing 101 lessons on Branding to the Communications Team – even if they need it.
  69. I will not review the new directors list, compare with others and say ‘Are you freaking kidding me?’
  70. I will not publish my own version of the new directors list with people that SHOULD have been made director in the last year.
  71. I do not have permission to let things fail just for the fun of it.
  72. Suggesting that some leaders are “Alzheimer’s patients,” however accurate, is inappropriate.
  73. I will not bring up Archiving of email – ever.
  74. I will not explain the phrase “On-Prem” as “On Premises” because we all know it isn’t.
  75. Other team mates do not like being reminded that their choices of Germany and South Africa for pilot countries was not recommended.
  76. I will stop attempting to determine the “as-is” state of anything because no one can seem to define it.
  77. I will not “seize control” of our team’s SharePoint site.  I will not put up my own counter SharePoint site as a rebuttal.
  78. I will not Google “EY” images to laugh at the naked men.  (really this happened!)
  79. I acknowledge that I am not the right person to fulfill the role of career counselor.
  80. I will not suggest that the M&C program stands for “Mismanaged and Cluster-Fucked.”
  81. Budgetary questions are not to be answered with limericks, dirges, or riddles.
  82. Questioning reorganizations is never fully appreciated, especially when the question is, “But how does this reorg actually solve this problem?”
  83. It’s not about me being smarter – it’s about me pointing it out, that’s an issue.
  84. I will stop agreeing with people simply to confuse them.
  85. I am not a “Sexy Boy” and dancing does not make it so.
  86. I am not on the college recruitment team.
  87. I will not rewrite the firm’s Respect at Work course.
  88. People don’t respond positively when I use a phrase like “The obvious flaws of your plan are as follows…”
  89. Hysterical laughter is apparently an inappropriate response when a screwed up project or program tanks or is put on indefinite hold.  (Good to know I guess).
  90. When I say “…with due respect…” does not allow me to say whatever is rattling around in my mind at that moment.
  91. I will not point out that just because someone has no track record of success with our firm that it is probable they will fail going forward – even when they prove me correct.
  92. I will stop using the word “retard” in regards to my co-workers.  Apparently it’s offensive…to retarded people. I get that.
  93. My job description does not provide me with “phenomenal cosmic powers!”
  94. I will not use the word “Omnipotent” in my job description.
  95. I will not use the phrase “Slave to The Man” in my job description.
  96. One of my skills in my job description is NOT “the ability to manipulate time and space.”
  97. I will not requisition a TARDIS as office supplies.  The Business Support Center doesn’t watch Dr. Who and will actually attempt to order one.
  98. I will not post pictures of the Death Star under construction and use the tag line “Building Better Working Worlds.”
  99. I will not list as references the number of friends I have on Facebook.
  100. I am not to apply for jobs that are at least three levels above my current level.
  101. I will stop displaying enjoyment because the entire network is down.  Also “I told you so,” is not supportive in this instance.
  102. The purpose of focus groups is not for me to give ulcers to the HR facilitator.  Duly Noted.
  103. I am not authorized to create a pilot test of anything.
  104. I will not over-communicate to IT about any technology deployment.
  105. When booted off a project, I will not pout for a week about it (three days – tops)
  106. It is inappropriate to moon someone on a conference call even if they are not using video.
  107. I will keep my feedback to less than eight pages.
  108. It’s not a drive-by-shooting if it’s true. I’m to stop doing it anyway.
  109. Writing a book on a subject does not make you the expert on that topic except in the real world.
  110. I will not travel to a snow-state in February.  Amended:  I will not travel in February.
  111. I will not pretend to be on mute.
  112. I will not pretend to be off mute.
  113. I will not tell the new person that the prefix 999 on my conference calling ID delineates me as a Partner in the firm.
  114. I will not make up mock secret projects and claim info security is working on them.  Example:  The Tachyon Firewall Inhibitor Program or the Subatomic Data Packaging Devices Project (the SDPDP).
  115. People don’t want to hear how Span of Control is an artificial and unscientific concept with no basis in reality.  They just want the magic number of people that should be reporting to them.
  116. The magic number is not 42.
  117. Or 3
  118. The change network calls are not my personal plaything.
  119. No one is interested in how I would approach outsourcing.
  120. I will not reorganize the Operations Group because “they had it coming.”
  121. I will not refer to our internal accounting system as “Satannic.”
  122. The CTO is not out to get me, despite the growing body of evidence.  (Note: This investigation remains open.)
  123. It is not part of my job to prove which IT leaders are incompetent.  It is also not my job to track that information or produce graphs about them.
  124. I will not refer to projects or programs as “Doomed” when they are first announced.  According to one person, “No one wants to hear that shit.”  Corollary:  There is no waiting period before I can use the word “doomed” either.  I have to wait until it actually fails, which doesn’t seem fair.
  125. I will stop pretending to not hear stupid things simply to make an idiot repeat it out loud.  “I missed that, could you say it again?”  It has been pointed out that it is mean.
  126. I will not refer to targeting errors during deployments as “we’re simply over-delivering to the wrong audience.”
  127. Some things are not product promotions and it’s not up to me to determine which is which.
  128. I do not have psychic abilities.  I am not to demonstrate them during team calls.
  129. SMU’s have nothing to do with Southern Methodist University.
  130. During reorganizations I will not map people to “The Black Hole” or “Special Projects”
  131. I will not tease the kids assigned to Special Projects.  They aren’t smart enough to understand.
  132. I don’t agree to disagree.  I’m right.  Deal with it.
  133. Not all short people have a Napoleon Complex…just short male directors in the IT Department.
  134. Rating comb-overs during a meeting is a sign I need to leave the room.
  135. I will not refer to the budgeting process as “witchcraft.”
  136. Being asked for feedback is not a license for me to be creative and obnoxious.
  137. The Location Strategy is not my personal plaything.
  138. I am not authorized to create new roles in the organization such as:  “Nuthouse Operations Director”  “Weapons Specialist”  “Douche-Bag Delivery” “Platform Terraformer”
  139. Just because I draw dotted lines on org charts doesn’t mean that those people actually report to me.
  140. I will stop asking for real-life examples of Big Data.  I get it – there are none.
  141. I do not have the authority to brand things.
  142. I do not know the winning lottery numbers.
  143. I cannot make my books required reading for the IT staff.  (though they SHOULD be).
  144. Yammer is not a toy.
  145. Over-delivering and Under-delivering are not the same thing and are not interchangeable.
  146. I do not own the keys to “the Special Projects short bus.”
  147. I do not have the authority to draft my own criteria for the Chairman’s Value Award.
  148. They do not hand out Chairman’s Value Awards in boxes of cereal and implying that is inappropriate – especially to the winners.
  149. Laughing out-loud during a conference call when someone is covering their ass may not be the best response.
  150. When working on a town hall presentation I will not turn it into a comedy routine.
  151. Deliberately picking teaming events that might injure one of my managers (then telling him I’m doing it) is not being considerate.
  152. Summoning Cthulu will not “streamline processes.”
  153. “Breaking Bad” is not our business model.
  154. I will not play the Game of Thrones theme music in the background when meeting with the L1’s. Addendum:  I am not to play any theme music in the background of calls.
  155. Ouija boards do not play a part in the annual review process.  Nor do they factor in on the budgeting process.
  156. I will not give my status report in Shakespearian prose – such as the St. Crispin’s Day speech.
  157. “Supreme Overlord” is not part of my job title and I should stop adding it.
  158. The email signature block is not a toy for my personal amusement.
  159. Creating skill categories that don’t exist (i.e., Warp Field Engineer, Temporal Agent, etc.) in my Sharepoint People Profile is misleading and damages my credibility with others…not that I care.
  160. I will not imply I have a terminal disease to avoid work assignments.
  161. I will not rename the Mercury environments after sci fi planets no matter how funny and appropriate it is.
  162. I will not refer to job assignments as “Snipe Hunts.”
  163. I will stop introducing the new accounting system with the tag line:  “From the team that brought you M&C two-and-a-half years late…”
  164. The Campus Hire Program is not to be referred to as “The Fresh Meat for the Grinder Program.”
  165. I will not sue clients of the firm unless they owe me a LOT of money.  (He he he)
  166. I will moderate my use of British understatement.
  167. I will not co-teach a session with anyone when we tells me he’s started to review the material 15 minutes prior to the class. (Thanks Douchebag)
  168. I will not offer unsolicited executive coaching to superior even though they clearly need it.
  169. There is no charge code for playing Risk on my iPad during an IT strategy webcast.
  170. The status bar in Skype is not a forum for political discourse or workplace unrest. Nor am I allowed to put that my new books is out because someone complained to the Talent Team about it. Grr…
  171. I will not start international incidents just to see what the impact on my career is.
  172. My midyear self-evaluation is not the same thing as my workplace manifesto.
  173. It is not part of my job to root out screwed up projects and initiatives.  (The fact that I attract so many of these should be cause for concern however).
  174. Laughing at the consultants is bad form.  (Good to know)
  175. It is not part of my job description to “incite rebellion.” I am to stop writing annual goals around this topic.
  176. I will not deliberately insert an error on a pointless spreadsheet just to drive my manager nuts, despite the fun that presents.
  177. No one cares that I’m a New York Times Bestselling Author …at work.  Especially the communications team (who all believe they are budding New York times Bestselling Authors).
  178. There are no fashion police in the office.   The dress code does not carry the full weight of law.
  179. My use of MS Project will not, “Open one of the seals to the gates of hell.”  For the record, I did experiment with this, which tells you something of my personality – that I would be willing to open the gates of hell to make a point.
  180. I will not point out the irony of managers telling me that I have to use MS Project to track and project, then telling me to send them the file in PDF format because they don’t want Project installed on their PC’s.
  181. I will not send someone a MS Project file in PDF format where I have deliberately set it up to be 96 pages long, most of which are blank.  True story – not only did I do this but when I asked the manager if he got it, his response was, “Yes, that looked good to me…”
  182. I will not respond to an idiot to clarify that the reason their email list is messed up is that they messed it up.  (’cause idiots don’t care)
  183. RACI’s are not created by Racists
  184. There is no, “new sheriff in town.” It isn’t me even if I wear a cowboy hat.
  185. I am not in charge of new workplace trends nor will I make up new ones just to be funny.
  186. I am not in charge of replacing the office’s evacuation plans with ones I’ve drawn in crayon.
  187. I will not question what “budget bubbles” consist of – nor will I offer my unsolicited opinion.  Example:  “They are farts of desperation with a sprinkle of delusions on a wind of indecision.”
  188. I cannot reconcile stupid. (Technically I can, but it involves gunfire.)
  189. I will not manipulate those that outrank me unless it provides me with some entertainment.
  190. I am not permitted to laugh out-loud when two managers become deadlocked in a pointless discussion. You do it once and you get reprimanded. I wasn’t the one acting like a child.
  191. I will not point out that the mandatory learning does not apply to me even though everyone knows it doesn’t.
  192. I will stop recommending learning courses just because I am adept at spotting people’s flaws and weaknesses.
  193. I will not produce a movie about work.  A TV series – yes.  Movie – no.
  194. I will not publicly ridicule the review committee process on my blog.  (Technically I never mentioned the firm).
  195. It has been suggested that I not question how managers have the spare time to build extensive training programs on top of doing their jobs where they complain they are at full-capacity.
  196. It isn’t all about bringing in your cronies from other jobs – it just looks that way.
  197. I will not openly mock the new directors by pointing out how quickly we will crush their souls.  (Except in the case of Faisal.  I will totally do it to him.)
  198. “WTF?” Is not a professional response to a meeting request at 9pm EDT.  The correct response is, “I’m sorry, I have a personal commitment.”
  199. JPM does not stand for “Dipshit” and I should stop insinuating it does.  (It does stand for “Dumbfuck”)
  200. I will stop asking, “If JPM is so great, why did you leave it to come here, asshat?”
  201. Project Manager + Team in Another Country x lack of managerial courage  = Disaster (I call it the Buck Formula); is not an equation I’m allowed to post this formula at work – despite the growing body of evidence to the contrary.
  202. I will stop pointing out when leaders say one thing and do another (i.e. Location Strategy).
  203. “I just want someone to delegate this body of shit to,” is not an acceptable justification for requesting headcount.
  204. I will not tell my manager he’s wasting his time when he insists on turning in feedback AFTER the Review Committees have met.   I shouldn’t have to tell him that.  (Come on Jay!)
  205. I will stop making gunshot noises when managers shoot the messenger.  (Back and to the left…back and to the left…)
  206. “You’ve got to be shitting me?  WTF?” is not a congratulatory message for someone being promoted to PPD level.
  207. I will not point out the name of my firm sounds eerily similar to KY (Jelly) – nor will I continue my comparisons from there.
  208. Making fun of employees names, in front of them, could be misinterpreted.  (Or understood, your choice)
  209. I will stop asking for a definition of “non-discretionary budget items.”  It only highlights that no one knows what they are.
  210. I will continue to point out violations of the firm’s values proposition, especially to that guy in Compute Services.
  211. I will stop playing my own theme music and soundtracks in the background of calls to make them more entertaining.  Example:  Playing the Law and Order rapping of the gavel each time I make a point.
  212. Despite my attire, I am not Batman.  Corollary:  Stop dressing like Batman at work.
  213. I will stop demanding applause when I join conference calls (though I deserve them).
  214. I will not ask permission to do something that is covert, regardless of its productivity.
  215. I will not mock the Talent Team’s name.
  216. I will resist the urge to point out to leadership that if I am abused in a relationship that it might be best to not keep me in that relationship.
  217. I will not openly suggest “Unionization!” as the solution to low employee morale surveys.
  218. It is recommended that I limit my systematic undermining of authority to one incident a week.  I will take that under advisement.
  219. I will curtail my listening the lamentation of my enemies women (if you saw Conan, you got it)
  220. I am to stop mentioning serial killers I know at work.
  221. My nickname is not “Grim” (as in Reaper)
  222. I will not plan large scale workplace layoffs on the same day as Suicide Prevention Day in the office.  (This is a true story, we let people go on this date!)
  223. Apparently it is not appropriate to laugh when the Talent Team says we can’t tell a person he’s being laid off until he comes off his pain medications for having his knees replaced.  (True damn story. Can you imagine waking up to this?)
  224. My barometer for measuring the speed of a rumor should not be when I get a call from Paul.
  225. My boss is not to be referred to as “the new chick.”  He hates that.
  226. My role on any project is not, “The only voice of reason and sanity on the team.”
  227. Actually, I DO like being proven correct…even if the results are painful to me.
  228. The budget was not the product of human sacrifice, witchcraft, or a druidic ceremony.
  229. I am not a pharmacist nor can I suggest medications for the staff. Nor am I to run a pool guessing what drugs leaders are on.
  230. Per request, I do not need to prove I can win a pissing contest.
  231. I will not deliberately catch an illness too gross to describe to others on a conference call.
  232. I will not describe my colon CAT scan on conference calls. Totally did this.
  233. I will not burst into uncontrolled laughter when a manager suggests hiring an outside law firm to prove the firm’s legal counsel is incorrect (Tim, you slay me!)
  234. My painkillers are to be used to kill pain, not make leadership calls more tolerable.
  235. I will stop pointing out that Lunch and Learn training sessions are really designed to ruin a lunch and avoid us missing any work. Note: I believe they are only confirming my conspiracy theory by telling me to stop staying this.
  236. I will not contemplate going off my meds just for the entertainment value.
  237. I am not to mock the Skype support team when they cannot join a Skype call because it is not working correctly.
  238. My coaching advice is not to include, “would you like me to kill them?”  Honestly, accidents happen.
  239. I will not Google “Harvey’s Balls” to enhance my graphics.  Apparently these are a real thing, not something for me to mock.  True story.
  240. When offered the chance to provide feedback I will not include the words/phases:  “magical, mythical, delusional, escaped-mental-patient, clear-and-present-danger to coworkers, schizophrenic,, dangerous paranoia, psychotic, candidate-for-drug-testing, “the reason we can’t have nice things,” narcissistic, vampire, or Hitleresque.
  241. It is not my role on the project to stage the coup de tat against the project manager. You take over one meeting and they make a rule about you.
  242. ESP does not stand for Every Sucky Project manager
  243. Douchebag is not a formal job title.
  244. Neither is Dipstick
  245. Or Asshat – for that matter.
  246. We don’t settle disagreements, “The old fashioned way – in a battle to the death.”  (For the record, I would have won.)
  247. I will next experiment with makeup on Thursdays (which is video conference call day).
  248. I will not answer phone calls, “Buddy the Elf…what’s your favorite color?”
  249. It is not a standing agenda item on an IT Town Hall to sacrifice a virgin.  I doubt one could be found (one), and telling that to the campus hires is not seen as appropriate (two).
  250. I will stop putting “Anus McButtface” on my stakeholder plans.  (Which, by the way, is a great name for a porn star.)
  251. I will stop calling Skype “Hype.”
  252. I will stop relying on a pension plan SINCE THEY SCREWED US OVER.
  253. I will at least fake appreciation for a good rating on my performance review.
  254. I do not have Tourette’s Syndrome…and no, I’m not allowed to practice having it.
  255. I will stop holding classes on how to draft your own promotion forms.
  256. I will not handle disagreements with, “I demand a Trial by Combat!”
  257. I will not start Skype calls by saying, “Valar morghulis,’ and refuse to continue them until someone says, “Valar dohaeris.” I really did this.  It was fun.
  258. I will not threaten people by telling others they are “Friends of Moe.”
  259. The communications team is not “The Voice of the Beast…”
  260. NITRO does not stand for Nitwits Influencing Technology Redundancy & Obsolescence.
  261. Setting up a contest to see who can steal the most office supplies is not Gamification.
  262. I will stop pointing out the Mercury is the god of speed.  The Mercury project team really hates that.
  263. I will stop saying, “Sharepoint is evil.”  In reality people who like Sharepoint are evil.
  264. I will stop making up new words to describe project managers I loathe (Example:  Bumblefucker)
  265. I will not encourage Russian hackers to attempt to steal our emails.  Nor will I tell people that I know a bunch of Russian hackers (Sorry Ivan!)
  266. I will not draft humorous operations manuals for projects I am not associated with.
  267. “Putting lipstick on a pig” is not the way to sell your idea for a learning plan.
  268. I will not put on war-paint for a video conference call.
  269. I will stop pretending to be Jamaican on 7am conference calls…even if my accent is perfect.
  270. I am not in charge of Armageddon and will quit “saying this shit” on conference calls.
  271. Telling a project manager they are “only a mere contractor” apparently does not inspire them to be better.
  272. Apparently I’m the only person that thinks a 65% on the annual people satisfaction survey is a failing grade.
  273. My boss is not “slightly wigging out.”
  274. The mainstream media is not conspiring against me.
  275. I am not allowed to provide my estimates of project manager’s IQ’s on open conference calls – even if rounding up.  You claim one person is a 42 and the whole world overreacts…
  276. I will not point out that the list of what the Communications team doesn’tdo is longer than the list of things that they do do.
  277. Just because I own a shield I am not Captain America.  I will stop insisting people call me “Cap” on conference calls.
  278. I will not script learning videos that have an “R” rating…nor did I clear that with the Motion Picture Association in advance.
  279. I will not put hidden messages and meanings in my change plans.
  280. Use Cases are not to be referred to as “Useless Cases.”
  281. Steering groups dislike humor, reality, and common sense.  Write it down Buck…
  282. Leaders do not like slide decks detailing their inadequacies – no matter how cool and accurate the graphics are.
  283. Uncontrollable laughter followed by: “Oh my God, you were serious?” is not the appropriate response when shown a project timeline.
  284. “Clusterfuck” is not one of the approved codenames for a project or program (regardless of how appropriate)
  285. I will not organize a union on company time.  What I do at home is nobody’s damn business.
  286. I will stop abusing the R U Ok Program.
  287. I am not qualified to diagnose mental problems despite what the firm says.
  288. Nor am I allowed to dispense mediation for mental health problems I shouldn’t be diagnosing.
  289. Nor am I allowed to order people be committed to mental health hospitals.  Filling out their paperwork is bad.
  290. I am not to suggest FAQ topics since I apparently “don’t understand technology support.” This is despite the fact I have been proven correct.
  291. I will stop saying, “I’m sorry, you’re breaking up, can you repeat that?” just to hear someone say something stupid twice out loud.
  292. I will not add credits or a post-credits scene to technical training videos.  “Based on the novel by NY Times Bestselling Author Blaine Pardoe.  Starring – Blaine Pardoe…”
  293. I will not objectify my co-workers with locker room talk.
  294. I will stop referring to myself as “One of the Deplorables.”
  295. I will not ask, “Why am I here?” It is a question that apparently upsets people running a meeting WHO CAN’T ANSWER IT.  IMG_1007 (1)
  296. I will not put “I don’t care about your silly problem, I’m off!” in my out of office message.
  297. I will not mock the message warning people to not drink to excess at holiday functions – despite the fact that it is, well, common sense and I doubt an email will fix that issue.  (Freaking Millennials!)
  298. I will not compare employees to food products (Helen is like Melba Toast.   It exists.  It’s crunchy.  It has no flavor or taste and leave you dry.)
  299. I will stop mocking the holiday moratorium. Example: If you give everyone an exception, it’s not a moratorium.
  300. I am to stop making the Millennials cry.  (It is SO easy)
  301. I will stop reminding the service desk that they can be replaced.  For the record, I never said with what they could be replaced with.  I have a list…
  302. I will not qualify what I mean by “With all due respect…” by pointing out I don’t really respect that person.
  303. I am not the designated driver for the holiday party.  If I am, I’m drinking.
  304. I will not use the word, “clunky,” when describing a team’s process without fully citing examples (and there are a’plenty…)
  305. The Chairman does not want me to offer a rebuttal to the annual holiday message.
  306. “If you need me, fuck off!” is not appropriate in my out of office agent.
  307. Connecting all of the paperclips in the box is not as funny as I think it is.
  308. I am not authorized to draw up my own career framework map.  If I was, I wouldn’t start with the play-mat from iHOP using crayons. Corollary:  I am not to use crayons at work.  They said nothing about paste however.
  309. I am not authorized to be the wisest person in the room, that comes naturally….no authorization required.
  310. No part of my job requires a case of AAA batteries.
  311. Exotic hats are not part of my wardrobe for video conference calls.
  312. I am not responsible for the hacking attack on the DNC in the 2016 elections and will stop alluding to that in conversations.
  313. I will not sneak into the Job Description database and making humorous additions to people’s JD’s such as “Responsible for all security failings in the firm,” or “Asshat in Charge of Hosting Debacles.”
  314. “Mental midgets” is apparently a derogatory term that I shouldn’t use to describe my alleged peers.
  315. I should not rejoice that the negative reorg impacts are at the top tier of leadership.  (But I AM…)
  316. Setting up a betting pool about the forced retirement dates of senior leaders is not billable to any charge code.
  317. I may not impose sanctions.
  318. I will not tie the interns to a chair and make them pull me like sled dogs through the halls yelling “Mush you huskies!”
  319. I do not have diplomatic immunity within the company.
  320. I will not change my clothes in the glass atrium elevators.
  321. The break area is not my private dojo for practicing martial arts.  In fact, practicing martial arts at work is also a no-no.
  322. I am not authorized to do face painting in the office.
  323. Hiring a possum is not the same as hiring a Cloud Engineer.  (Good to know…)
  324. I will stop prefacing my remarks by saying that “I received this information from an alternate reality where things actually work…”
  325. I am not to organize any farting, belching, or body odor contests in the office.
  326. I will not erect idols of “The IT gods” Nor am I an IT god. (I beg to differ on this but for the sake of argument, I’ll let it go.
  327. Biting Sarcasm is not one of my core leadership strengths nor can it be found on our personal development site.
  328. “Continue screwing up pivot tables,” is not an acceptable annual career goal, however realistic.
  329. I will cease using the phrase “I told you so, moron,” when I did just that.
  330. I will stop using the word “Stupidshitfuckface,” in my stakeholder plans.
  331. I will not create my own standard PowerPoint templates for a project.  I will not use the Wingdings or Greek fonts in those non-standard templates.  Fuck you!
  332. I will not chant “Shame” and ring a tolling bell when a senior leader has her farewell gathering.
  333. I will halt pointing out how right I really am when leaders are totally wrong.
  334. I will not post to my private blog during work hours.  After work, everything is game…mutherfuckers.
  335. I am not authorized to test our internet security nor is it part of my job.
  336. I will stop bringing up embarrassing news reports about our vendors WITH our vendors.  Apparently they don’t like reality or something.
  337. Leaving notes on shared workspaces like, “Strategy – Listen to the voices in my head.”  or “I know where she hid his body!” is considered disruptive (and entertaining).
  338. “Fuck no!” is apparently not one of the accepted responses when asked, “Can you do this?”
  339. Reminding managers of things I’m waiting on from them by being snarky is not permissible.
  340. One does not tinkle in the workstream.
  341. Bringing up that the task could only be accomplished via time travel or a time machine doth not please leadership.
  342. I may not use a change network to perform menial tasks around my house.
  343. I am not authorized to call in artillery or an airstrike on one of our offices (or an employee’s home).
  344. Writing “Do Not Erase!” on every whiteboard in the office with something left on them is considered bad form.
  345. There is no “Party Planning Authority,” or “Party Planning Committee.”  I am to stop sending people to meet with them.
  346. I do not have authority to create and publish my own newsletter.  Especially one with my own cartoons of co-workers.
  347. Responding “Thanks for caring,” when a douchebag says a demeaning comment comes across as snarky to some people.  (It was intended to, I just didn’t know they were smart enough to identify sarcasm.)
  348. I will stop writing cryptic messages in the Men’s room stalls.
  349. I am to stop cutting out wildlife images out of National Geographic and hanging them in front of the security cameras just to fuck with Building Security.
  350. I do not have my own personal values statement or code of connection.
  351. I am not to quote Yoda in response to questions about my plans.  Nor am I to speak in a Yoda voice or use his sentence structure.  “Banned from doing that I am.”
  352. Song and dance routines are prohibited.  “Thanks for sharing.”
  353. “I told you this would happen,” apparently does not bring the matter to a close.  So noted.
  354. I cannot solve my problems by declaring my candidacy for any public office.
  355. I am not authorized to film my own documentary at work…especially during meetings.
  356. Laughing out loud during reorganization discussions does not garner the support I expected.
  357. I will not take control of my new boss’s boss’s slide deck during his team kick off meeting.  (Krista actually did this – quite funny)
  358. I am not a “Special Conductor” in charge of the Amtrak coach car when traveling to or from NYC.
  359. I am not to ask the United Airlines Customer Service staff, “Do you own a fucking map?” when they rebook me to get home from New York to Washington DC via Cleveland.  (Did it, loved it)
  360. “That old battleaxe” is not a box on the org chart.
  361. Sycophant is not a business competency and I am to cease referring to it as such.
  362. “Fuck it – I don’t know,” is not an appropriate response to the query, “What is your plan?”
  363. I am to stop using the word, “Geostrategic” simply to confuse my peers.
  364. I am to stop muttering “Dracarus” on calls, when I hear something I don’t agree with.  (Though the mental picture of the person burning is oddly satisfying.)
  365. I am to be super-dooper thankful that I got a whopping 18 minute interview with such an important and clearly focused person.  Eighteen minutes?  Owning my own career.
  366. Turning down a job you didn’t interview for and didn’t want is apparently considered “bad form” by the “leadership.”  So noted.  Again – owning my own career.  (It was the same idiot that gave me an 18 minute interview.)
  367. Apparently there is a fine line between being blunt and being crude.  I am unaware of where that line is and I am to stop spending time seeking it out.
  368. Apparently no one likes my colorful metaphors during meetings.
  369. Demoification (the removal of anything related to Mo, our former CIO) is not a word I am to use in status reports.
  370. Being unqualified to do my job does not get me out of the work.  That’s odd.
  371. I will stop referring to one of my project managers as Cersei Lannister despite the fact that she actually kinda looks like her.
  372. I will stop suggesting, “Pull your head out of your ass,” as a solution.
  373. Calling, “Dibs on all his stuff,” is not the appropriate response when your boss’s boss announces he has been let go.
  374. My French and Spanish accents needs some work.  Until perfected, I am not to practice it on conference calls – according to HR.
  375. I do not possess the means to travel to another dimension “where someone gives an ass about your stupid idea.”
  376. I will stop using the phrase, “A job title does not imply or impart any degree of intelligence,” at the start of any of my rebuttals.  It upsets (or confuses) the Director-level folks apparently.
  377. No one cares that I was in Fast Company magazine because they weren’t. I was, in fact interviewed by Fast Company, complete with pictures.

    Scan_20191008
    Yeah – I’m that guy…
  378. Saying, “She’s not that big of a bitch,” or “He’s not a super-asshole,” is not the compliment I intended it to be.
  379. The voices inside my head are usually wrong, per my manager.  Am not!
  380. “You’re brighter than you look,” is not really a compliment.
  381. Halloween is not an invitation for me to dress in my Star Trek uniform for video calls.  Also, I am to have the decency to lie when asked, “That’s a cute costume…do you have young kids?”  Saying “no” creeps out everyone on the call.
  382. “Monkeys throwing their feces at each other is more organized than this place,” is not a valid or accepted critique of the new organization structure.  Nor is, “This place is as fucked up like a soup sandwich,” or the ever popular, “This place is as fucked up a football bat.”
  383. It has been recommended that I find out whose “dumb ass idea” it was to begin with, before I begin mocking it.  (I honestly don’t care, but it was suggested…)
  384. Documenting management’s use of buzzwords and consultancy phrases upsets some of them (while entertaining the rest of us.)
  385. Replacing the word “retard” with the phrase “fu*king stupid,” in my workplace vocabulary apparently is not an upgrade nor does it add a level of clarity.
  386. Loading my phone with “entertaining” ringtones and setting them off in the background of conference calls is not as funny as I like to believe.
  387. I am not to drop hints that the vendor is conspiring to make certain managers look bad.
  388. Being the oldest person in the room does not grant me special powers or any authority.
  389. I will stop impersonating a director just because of my gray hair.
  390. I am to stop calling my theft of office supplies as a “restocking exercise.”  I am also not allowed to turn it into a teaming event.
  391. “Oh yeah, well I have 346,000 references to me according to Google!” is not considered a valid argument as to why I am right.
  392. “No offense, but we’ve tried this same thing before and failed because you didn’t implement it correctly,” is not what leadership wants to hear.
  393. Deliberately using a teamwork event as a source for blog posts is bad…according to my co-workers.
  394. I do not know what will trigger the end of the world and I should stop implying that it is one of leadership’s bad ideas that starts it all.
  395. I will not refer to our leadership as pale, male, and stale. It is true, but they hate hearing it.
  396. I will not imply that the “long poles in the tent,” refers to parts of the male anatomy. I am also to stop mocking the moron that used that phrase.
  397. I am not “an avenging force” in the office despite my Skype status.
  398. I will not alter the scripts used for layoffs to “make them more hilarious.”
  399. Why yes, I DO have a hell of a lot of nerve. Thank you for asking.
  400. No one cares about the serial killers I know.  They should though.
  401. I will stop acting utterly surprised when someone comes up with a good idea.  Offering them a treat as a reward is also in bad form.
  402. I am to stop creating monsters in my D&D campaign named or based on department leaders.  Thus ends the terror of the Osbornonsaurus and the Poly-hacker.
  403. I will cease using words like Transmorphable or any other that I have made up, regardless of how funny they are.
  404. I am to stop pointing out that if someone has screwed something up seven times, that they are an abysmal failure or director-level material.
  405. When a leader says “How dare you?” they are not looking for a detailed response or answer (which I had prepared).  They are looking for a me to take a big sip out of a cup of Shut-the-Fuck-Up.  Good to know.
  406. There is no CIO Throne.  Nor is there an IT Dungeon under the data center in Secaucus.
  407. I do not have the authority to create my own mentorship program.
  408. No one want to hear their team “defines a new level of uselessness.”
  409. Making people cry is not a competency.
  410. I am to stop pointing out ridiculous wastes such as having me travel for 9 hours round trip for a 1.25 hour meeting in NYC (true story)
  411. “Sausage making” has nothing to do with making real sausage.  So showing up in a butcher’s apron with a meat cleaver is a definite no-no.
  412. I will no longer refer to senior leaders as “executive-level hiring mistakes.”
  413. I am to stop referring to the “middle management permafrost” as if it was a real thing.
  414. The phrase, “The only good reorganization is a dead reorganization,” is not respected by my leadership.
  415. When a leader says they are taking a few days off, it is inappropriate for me to cheer.  It makes them feel bad and I’m supposed to feel bad about that.
  416. I should only apply to jobs based on what is in the dark recesses head of the hiring manager, not on the job description or posting.
  417. There is no sanctioned “firm prayer” and I should stop trying to convince the new hires one exists.
  418. I am not allowed to yell, “Liar, liar pants on fire,” during vendor presentations. (I didn’t do it when they were in the room, what’s the big deal?)
  419. I am not allowed to play (experiment) with the thermostat during firm meetings. This includes removing the cover (Marked “Do not remove”) and manually adjusting it.
  420. I am not an authorized technician for any hardware issues.  Corollary, I am not allowed to use a hammer during the work day.  It’s not one of my tools – not even for change management.
  421. I am not to adjust the lighting or room temperature to set the mood for vendor presentations.
  422. Chuckling during a two-hour vendor presentation, especially at the serious parts, is apparently not permissible.
  423. The answer to the question, “Why are you putting this out to bid to us?” is not “Because our leadership is mentally unbalanced and makes us waste our time on pointless exercises.”
  424. I am to stop referring to team dinners as “Firm-Mandated Fun.”  Nor are they to be called, “Pointless required socialization with my inferiors.”
  425. I am to stop humming funeral dirges when Margaret is talking.
  426. I am to stop ordering parts to build my own robot.  Apparently it is not considered team building to try and create your own team members from scratch is not allowed.
  427. I will stop deliberately sending out the list of open job requisitions to the most paranoid members of the department. It was quite funny though.
  428. When sent to India, I am not to ignore the teaming events because of the monsoons.
  429. I am to stop pointing out that the firm sends me to the hot places in the summer, the cold places in the winter.
  430. I am not to contact the US Embassy in India when travelling there, just to, “Hear an American voice or something I can understand.”  This request comes from the US Embassy staff I might add. Apparently their post on the web site about Americans checking in was not serious.
  431. “Wow you folks have a lot of call centers here,’ is not a good start to a live meeting in India.
  432. The Ethics Hotline is not a plaything.
  433. When asked by a leader, “What do you mean my product is shit?” the appropriate response is not, “You seriously don’t know what shit is?
  434. I am not to try and purchase a pet monkey named “Apu” while visiting India.  Nor am I to purchase him a cowboy outfit.  Nor will customs allow him into the US.
  435. My solution cannot consist of: “I will get all Game of Thrones/Ramsey Bolton on his ass.”
  436. I am to stop thanking people when they are abusive to me in meetings (actually, this was sarcasm and was totally wasted on the audience in question.)
  437. I am to stop requesting my annual raise verification email.  Apparently they don’t send them out when you make so pathetically little.
  438. The Mentoring Program is not a form of slave labor – per HR’s discussion with me.
  439. I am not to assume I have authority to do whatever I want just because I chair the peer network.  This was actually expressed as, “you have no authority – period!”
  440. Calling a decision a “Dick-move,” apparently offends some people more than once – sexually and authority-wise.  Given I have referred to the offending party before as “Dickless” it does seem a bit inappropriate to me.
  441. Discussing your recent medical procedure, in detail, prior to the start of a call, is off-putting to some attendees.  Discussing it during the call is not permissible.
  442. I am not allowed to organize online parties where the attendees drink and fill out the firm’s culture survey.
  443. I may not form my own religion then demand off “Holy Days” such as Saint Patton’s Day or Trumptoberfest!
  444. My advice as a mentor is not to include firearms, explosives, or use the words, “Going postal…”
  445. Accusing someone as being a witch is not as funny as I like to think it is.  Nor is offering to go fetch their broom a help in such discussions.
  446. There is no charge code for “Feeling Melancholy” nor should I put in a request for one to be generated.
  447. I am not “empowered.”  In fact, it would be best if I did not use that word.
  448. Creating a class on “Working with Douchebag Leaders” is not in my job description, nor is sending out an invite to the class to all of the team allowed.  Sidebar:  It should scare everyone that I got a 92% acceptance on the invitation.
  449. I am not to refer to the CTO as “Princess.”  He really hates that.
  450. I am not to refer to Project Mercury as Project Sloth, despite the fact it is three years overdue.  The Mercury team has no sense of humor and claims they delivered, “On Time.”  I will also not point out that by changing your delivery dates is not the same as actually meeting them.
  451. Wearing a Burger King crown during video conference calls is verboten.
  452. I am not allowed to create or suggest affinity groups.
  453. I am not permitted to point out that the people empowered by leadership to make decisions really don’t have that power.
  454. I do not get an approved holiday for elections in the US…especially not in April.
  455. I am not to ask senior leadership for feedback…every quarter…two or more times.  They are far too important to give a peon like me feedback.
  456. I will stop telling upper management that I need software in order to be creative just to be funny.  Clearly they don’t get it.
  457. I am not permitted to host my awards show for the department…nor may I broadcast it.
  458. The personal branding class does not involve branding irons.
  459. Uncontrolled laughter is often not what the leaders want to hear when they pitch their brilliant idea.  I am to make better use of the mute button.
  460. I am to stop pointing out the irony of people being promoted past me, who ask ME for advice.  Most don’t get it.
  461. I am not permitted to rewrite our department (or company’s) mission statement – ever.  Apparently the use of the word “fuck” in a mission statement is a no-no.  Who knew?
  462. I should not request a new charge code be created so I can binge watch the Kardashians or the Bachelorette.
  463. I am not allowed to create my own recycling bins.
  464. I am to stop saying, “Chronodiversity.”  It makes leaders nervous – they thought they had laid off all of the older employees already.
  465. The comment, “Ponytail’s are for jackasses,” is considered, by some, as insensitive. I’m sorry, but someone has to say it out loud – otherwise you are contributing to hair and style abuse in the workplace.
  466. Pointing out security flaws just to get another leader in trouble is not “professionally considerate.”  It is, however, a blast. Zoom!
  467. I do not have the authority to mount a sting operation for Dateline.
  468. It is not my job function to write rebuttals to new personnel announcements – regardless of accuracy or humor-level.
  469. My Italian accent is not fully appreciated or enticed.
  470. When asked to teach a diversity and inclusiveness class, I should not respond with, “You do know I’m an old white guy, right?” Totally did this.
  471. When a colleague asks an icebreaker question, “What would James Bond do?” Responding, “Have a plan to kill everyone in the room as quickly and effectively as possible” does not, apparently, break the ice.

IMG_0194 (1)

Like this, you’ll enjoy my snarky book Business Rules

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s