Blaine Pardoe’s Annual BattleTech April Fool’s Prank 2020 – The BattleTech Kickstarter – Fulfillment of the Canon Characters

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In keeping with my tradition of April Fool’s BattleTech Pranks:

Operation Freaking Awesomeness

BattleTech Products That Never Came To Market

Failed BattleTech Storylines

Blood on the Canopy

Outline for the ilClan Sourcebook

This was my suggestion to address all of the people that opted in for the canon character option in the Kickstarter.

Internal Memorandum to Catalyst BattleTech Staff

Per our meeting, we was discussed the need to address the seemingly tens-of-thousands of Kickstarter backers who opted for canon characters in the universe. Some are easy, some are complicated to the point of absurdity. Example:  “I want to be a Khan of Clan Jade Falcon, who is really a covert Clan Wolverine operative that is also a DEST agent with secret information on Omi Kurita’s love child with Victor.” Yeah, I have tried to craft that story but it caused a small brain hemorrhage.  Let’s save it for the magazine (our new default answer to hard stuff).

Then it came to me. As you know, in an upcoming piece of fiction, I have bar where dead MechWarriors are commemorated for the stupid ways they died.  Their names are written on the wall along with how they died.  That got me thinking – what a great way to deal with all of these canon characters!

I propose this “memorial wall to the dead,” describing all of the dead and how they died.  Sure, it’s a sleazy way to address this, but that’s why you assigned it to me.  All we have to do is stick their names in before each of these glorious deaths and we can chalk it up as a win!

Example: Bob Roberts harbored the illusion that 28 centimeters of ice could support his BattleMech.

Extra points if you realize this guys name was Bob – twice.

What do you guys think?

Blaine “Buck” Pardoe

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Fulfillment Options (Insert names where appropriate) 

  • Killed in a bar-fight with _____ when a bottle cut his jugular.
  • Self-detonated his ammunition, forgetting that he did not have CASE.  Two tons of autocannon rounds left little to be recovered.
  • Last words – “They are only stupid Capellans – charge!”
  • His tactic of, “Let’s lure them in to point blank range,” proved to be incorrect.
  • Stopped moving in his ‘Mech and became the largest, stationary LRM and Arrow target known to mankind…for 20 seconds.  Then he became the largest LRM crater in the history of that world.
  • Last words – “We have them on the run!”
  • Killed by _____ in a bar-fight when he pulled a bottle out of his jugular, tossing it into _____ and cutting his throat in the process.
  • Drew a Square of Equals, just to be different, and was killed for his slight to Clan Ghost Bear tradition.
  • Got into a name-calling match with his armorer just before he went into battle.  As it turns out, he had no ammunition in his missile racks of his Archer.  The investigation remains open as to how that could have happened.
  • Decided to test the altitude limits of his jump jets without paying attention to his fuel.
  • Failed to do the mental math when charging four enemies.  Remains unrecoverable.
  • Was bragging in a bar about having sexually conquered a number of “Kerensky broads.”  He should have checked to see that it was a Wolf Clan bar.
  • Learned there is validity in the old saying that you should not bring a knife to a gunfight.
  • She made the comment, “All you ROM guys are pussies.”  She has not been seen since, presumed dead.
  • Volunteered to be point one time too many.
  • Ventured that the low rumble was a ground tremor, not the approaching enemy RCT.
  • Told an Elemental she, “…had your head up your ass.”  She demonstrated that positioning using him as the subject.
  • Pressed the “override” button on his automatic shutdown controls one time too many.  Body still too radioactive for normal burial.
  • Told the joke, “How many Capellans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” in the wrong place at the wrong time.
  • Misunderstood his CO’s warning about a, “Steiner Recon Lance.”  He didn’t realize that was a lance of Atlas’s.
  • Last words – “I bet I could kick your Elemental-ass!”  Her body had to be identified via DNA.

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  • Proof that drinking and piloting a BattleMech in combat is a deadly combination.  “Don’t you kids try this at home.”
  • Proved you cannot tap dance in a mine field.
  • Last communication to the approaching enemy:  “I don’t think you have the guts to charge our position.”
  • Learned the maximum depth a BattleMech can operate under water.
  • Misread the map when calling for air support.
  • Last words – “Clanners never attack in the rain, everyone knows that.”
  • Despite training, held onto a grenade by the pin – once.
  • Last words – “I could beat you with only one arm.”  The Jade Falcon Elemental obliged by ripping off one of his arms.  He was wrong.
  • Went outside to urinate, in -70c weather and locked the door behind him.  Body eventually thawed and pants pulled up for his family’s sake.
  • Incorrectly calculated the range that an enemy sniper could fire from.
  • Told his tech that his actuator was, “Just fine.”  It wasn’t.
  • Decided to experiment in what could be fired from a gauss rifle.
  • Ignored his jump jet fuel indicator as he rushed off the edge of the plateau.
  • She became a “trainable moment” in overheating her ‘Mech.
  • Proved you cannot use a tank as a roller-skate for a BattleMech.
  • Discovered that no amount of camouflage can hide a BattleMech running in the open.
  • Last words – “Someone hold my beer…”
  • Failed to inform the enemy that the area was secure.
  • Hit eject but his canopy did not deploy before the seat hit it.  Remains scraped up and sent to his family.
  • Proof that Elementals are not “Cuddly.”
  • Put to test the engineering specifications for his ‘Mech going over a 200 meter cliff.  The engineers, as it turned out, were right.
  • Ignored his CO’s warning that the roof of the apartment building would not likely support his ‘Mech.
  • Last words – “I thought the map said there were mud pits around here…guys?  Guys?”
  • Learned the importance of checking the safety strap on his ejection seat, in the last ten seconds of his life.
  • Told his tech, “I’m in a hurry, don’t worry about those heat sinks.”
  • Tombstone reads:  “Fell asleep at his guard post the night that the DEST commandoes decided to pay a visit.”
  • Learned what the odds were of a gauss rifle hitting his cockpit.  Hint, they are higher than you might think.
  • Punched a Ghost Bear in the nuts – once.
  • Trusted his DropShip pilot to determine a safe altitude to deploy – over his own eyes and sensors.
  • Dated a cruel mistress – gravity – one too many times.
  • Refused to top off his missile and autocannon expendibles saying, ‘They won’t be mounting a counterattack for hours.’
  • Claimed that a one-shot missile rack was ‘plenty.’
  • Last words – “I bet I can pick up that Smoke Jaguar Elemental…”
  • Made the eternal mistake of volunteering to hold the rear flank against ComStar.
  • Ignored the smell of smoke in his cockpit…and the smell of bacon.
  • Told the Manei Domini at the bar, “Interdict this!” and grabbed his crotch.
  • Refused to panic…but should have.
  • Determined that urban camouflage did not work well in the desert.
  • Last action – Flipped the bird to the regular troops in the bar and initiated a lethal bar-fight.
  • Last words – “I’m well out of their range…”
  • Ignored the no smoking signs in the armory.  ID determined by the one square CM bit of flesh recovered from the explosion.

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  • Bet his life that the Jade Falcon Star Colonel would not draw down his bid and call for orbital bombardment.
  • Beat his tech the night before the battle in poker and thought it was funny.  So did the tech.
  • Did his own field repairs and learned the engineering limits of Duct Tape.
  • Last words:  “I think all ISF DEST operatives are wussies…”
  • Created his own chapter for future training classes.  “Always check the liquid you are wading in before you fire on it.”
  • Told everyone that camouflage did not matter on a BattleMech – and went with “Target Orange” with florescent yellow highlights…perfect for forest operations.
  • Misread the elevation lines on the map and his own eyesight out of the cockpit.
  • Taunted one too many enemies with, “Your mother was a Fed-rat and your father sold futures to the FWL.”
  • Tombstone reads:  “I told you I was sick.”
  • Learned that once you go Elemental, you do not ever come back.
  • Came as The Master to a Federated Suns Halloween Party during the Jihad.
  • Decided to make his own modifications to his bionic arm.
  • Last words – “Why is that forest moving?”
  • Learned how close you could stand to a firing PPC blast…and lost the bet in the process.
  • Wore her Wolf’s Dragoon gear into a bar filled with Waco’s Rangers to “intimidate them.”
  • Learned why they are called, “The cheap seats” in Solaris when a missile barrage went wild and killed him.
  • Issued a batchall to the incoming Clan Commander and told him, “If you had the balls, you’d face me alone.”  He did, apparently, have the balls.
  • Did not make his piloting skill roll.
  • Last words – “I can outrun her…”
  • Killed in the great Toilet Paper Riots of 3048 fighting a rear guard action over a mound of Charmin 8000.
  • Told his tech to, “Not waste time replacing my damaged rear armor.”
  • Face-planted his BattleMaster into the canyon despite numerous warning signs.  Earned a new nickname – Wile E. Coyote.
  • Learned he did not have the skills to override Clan BattleMech security.
  • Told a group of clan warriors that Nicholas Kerensky had a furry fetish.  They were less-than-amused.
  • Last action – Successfully mooning the enemy.
  • Proved he was not proficient in energy weapons.
  • Decided to exit the DropShip early, like 3000 meters up too early.
  • Tombstone reads:  “Here lies Corporal Dave who chased the Clanner into a cave…”
  • Tried to impress the lieutenant by offering to scout ahead.
  • Ignored the radiation warnings one too many times.
  • Died confident that the roof of the building would support his 70 ton BattleMech.
  • Disregarded his tech’s warning of, “I wouldn’t stand under that arm if I were you.”
  • Grabbed the first ‘Mech available when the enemy showed up.  Footnote:  A Stinger taking on a Timberwolf is never a good idea.
  • In his last moments regretted calling the ComStar adept, “A techno priest” when he went to send the message for reinforcements.
  • Last words – “They are attacking with only a star of ‘Mechs – we’ve got this…”
  • Last communication to the approaching enemy:  “Why don’t you come over here and make me?”
  • Accidentally dumped his ammunition at the first sign of the enemy.  Turns out, you need that shit in a firefight.
  • Asked Blaine Pardoe to read his fan fic piece with stolen cover art. Remains are yet unfound. The investigation remains open.
  • Made the comment in a Capellan bar that the Death Commandoes were ‘vastly overrated.’  The one at the bar proved him wrong.
  • Ignored the warning during ‘Mech startup when the voice told him, “All Systems Not Nominal.”
  • Told a group of Clan Warriors he was going to “Get all Task Force Serpent on their assess.”  The fight, for the record, lasted less than eight seconds.
  • Forgot to wear a hard hat in the repair bay.  A swinging piece of ferro-fibrous plate can leave a nasty mark on one’s head.
  • Was adjusting his play list when the first wave of missiles enveloped his ‘Mech in a bright orange ball of flame.
  • Last words – “It’s just a heat warning…”
  • Ignored the “Danger Radiation” warning label on fusion reactor access panel 3B
  • Walked into a bar and said, “All Bless Jerome Blake!”  Body identified by DNA.
  • While drinking at a bar, took a 5 C-bill bet that he could give that Elemental a wedgie.
  • Learned the importance of proper weapons maintenance when his laser rifle misfired during battle.  In fact, he become the poster-child for checking the barrel for burned clogging material.
  • Made the classic military mistake of volunteering.
  • Learned that not all civilian bridges are designed to hold up 100 ton BattleMechs.
  • Stepped under Captain Jackson’s jump jets during a take-off.  The good news is the body was pre-cremated.
  • Was poisoned by the company cook for making comments about his lousy, “Shit on a shingle.”  Only person in the Sword of Light to die by French Toast.
  • Electrocuted while trying to prove you can hot wire a BattleMech.
  • Last words – “I can prove there are no Snakes patrolling that valley.”
  • Proved the inherent dangers of grenade juggling in the barracks.
  • Misread the words “Lava Flats” on the map.
  • Died of heart failure when a gauss rifle slug opened his heart and pulverized it into a thin DNA paste.
  • Worst intelligence officer ever.  Spent the night before the battle surfing for Elemental porn rather than pulling up the satellite relays.  Shot by his own men.
  • Executed a HALO jump sans a working breathing unit.
  • Learned that Friendly Fire isn’t and that it has the right of way.
  • Tapped the warhead of a stack of LRM’s with a hammer “to make a point.”
  • Killed by his own men after purchasing surplus WOB munitions for their mercenary company, only to find that they were all mislabeled practice rounds.
  • Went into battle claiming the enemy could not see him because he was piloting an “Unseen” BattleMech.  As it turns out he, and Harmony Gold, were wrong.
  • Convinced his superiors that he was ready for his first battle.
  • In retrospect, his callsign of “LRM Target” was a bit of heavy-handed foreshadowing.
  • Called a group of clan warriors, “Wolverine-humpers.” They were less-than-amused.
  • Charged up over the ridgeline into a battalion of Davion’s alone, believing we were all following him, when we were just sitting back wondering, “Why is he being so stupid?”
  • Ignored the scout lance one time too many.
  • Tombstone reads:  “When his tech told him, ‘I wouldn’t do that shit if I were you,’ he decided to try and prove the tech wrong.”
  • Currently in orbit over Thorin as a non-operative satellite. Learned that piloting a BattleMech in space it is always a good idea to have a tether or magnetic boot attachments.
  • Last words – “Let’s rush their DropShips!”
  • Learned that when your artillery is in range of the enemy, their artillery is in range of you.
  • Thought it would be funny to paint a large white and red target on the cockpit of his BattleMech.
  • Told his lance mates that, “ECM is for wusses.”
  • Adjusted his IFF transponder incorrectly and at the wrong moment.  “Hey, where did that enemy Wasp come from?  Hit it boys!”
  • Refused to look both ways before driving his tank across the maglev tracks.
  • Was last seen with a toolkit saying something about fixing airlock four’s controls.
  • His friends replaced his coolant with Coolant Flush ™ energy drink as a prank.  Body was found to be extra crispy and caffeine infused.
  • Told his infantry support their “pansy-asses” weren’t needed.
  • Learned that Streak missiles can acquire new targets – including your cockpit.
  • Last words – “I don’t care that I am danger close, drop the barrage!”
  • Believed that the mine field sign was incorrectly posted.
  • Stood up the general’s daughter for a date and was assigned to, “An extended long range patrol to find the enemy main body.”  He did.
  • Yelled “charge” before making sure that the rest of his lance was willing to do so.  “It was spectacular the way he ran alone into the middle of that Clan Cluster…and over quickly.”
  • Ignored the “Launch Doors Jammed” warning indicator when he unleashed a salvo of SRM’s.
  • Two words – Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
  • Learned there is a wrong way to load short range missiles.
  • Told his tech, “Stop worrying about those cracks in the cockpit canopy…it’s just fine.”
  • As a newly pinned Lieutenant, he ignored the sergeant’s warnings about poking the bear.
  • Made the mistake of drinking too much and commenting in front of clansmen that Nicholas Kerensky got his names for the clans from a kids petting zoo.
  • Protected the ammunition dump – but too closely.
  • Two words – Terminal Diarrhea.
  • Last action – disabled his ejection seat because the power cable rattled too much.
  • In a bar bet he placed 100 C-Bills on the table that someone could slam an entire glass of coolant fluid.  He both won and lost.
  • Exited the DropShip to descend on his jump jets…which is ‘Mech was not equipped with.
  • Did not notice the large white and red target painted on the back of his ‘Mech.
  • Pulled the pin and fumbled one grenade too many.
  • Proved that standing still does not draw attention (or incoming fire) away from you.  FYI – Commonly known as Draxing.
  • Became the poster-child for not piloting your BattleMech underwater when your cockpit has been compromised.
  • Told his physician that his eyesight was just fine.  He was incorrect.
  • Thought it would be fun to cover himself in catnip and then seduce a bunch of those crazy Periphery cat-people from Canopus.
  • Believed he could outrun an avalanche.  Was off by 47 kph.
  • Bad eyesight made him confuse an enemy ‘Mech as a Crab when it was a King Crab.
  • Last Words: “What are the odds of them both hitting my cockpit?”  It is 6.94% – for the record.
  • Threatened his Tech prior to the big battle.  Mysteriously his weapons systems failed after their first shot.
  • Hid under the dropship.  Failed to check its departure orders first.
  • Last communication to the approaching enemy:  “Ghost Bear – what’s that?  One of the Care Bears ™?”
  • Was confident that he had dug has foxhole deep enough as the tank rolled over it.  For a millisecond before his crushing death, his confidence waned.
  • Learned that in an emergency you cannot replace coolant vest coolant with urine.
  • Said he would take the old-school Charger into the battle and that it was an underappreciated killing machine.
  • Learned that the warning labels on the fusion reactor output cables were there for a reason.  Can you say, “Extra Crispy Please?”
  • Last words, “They have nowhere else to run.”  As it happens, they could turn 180 degrees and charge.
  • Learned an important physics lesson regarding jumping, distances, and the structural integrity of BattleMech legs.
  • Learned there is a good reason to not tape your hand grenades.
  • His flagrant disregard for artillery barrages will immortalize him for years to come at NAIS as an example for future generations about “what not to do.”
  • Nickname – Squats.  Decided to go behind a tree and take a dump at the moment of the enemy counterattack. Never made it back to his ‘Mech.  Death by Taco-Bell.
  • Took the phrase, ‘…or die trying…’ far too seriously.
  • Suggested that he could write a better novel than any of the established BattleTech authors.  Was castrated, drawn and quartered, trampled on, and his remain were buried in eight different latrines.  According to the authors, “We could and should have done so much more but we are paid by the word.”

11 thoughts on “Blaine Pardoe’s Annual BattleTech April Fool’s Prank 2020 – The BattleTech Kickstarter – Fulfillment of the Canon Characters

  1. Daniel Freedman

    “It turns out those man-sized chicken-things *can* beat you in unarmed combat, even though they don’t have arms. They have huge great big claws on their feet instead.”

  2. Megan Sumner

    I took the suggestion to keep my notes on my character short. If I’d known people were putting paragraphs into theirs I would have added “please give my character a horrible/spectacular death.”

  3. Sagara

    Hello
    A small question. In BATTLETECH in DLC, heavy metal mentions a ship owned by Wolverines, Dobrev
    I understand that events are most likely not canonical, but they do not seem to contradict anything that had happened in the universe before.
    I wonder if the developers consulted with you about the plot with references to Wolverines and the new mech?
    That is, they did not ask you: “Do you need Dobrev for further history, or can we use it?” or something similar?

  4. dunerat

    You know, you listed this as an April Fool’s joke, but personally i don’t think it’s a bad idea at all….

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