Twitter is a playground for me. I don’t take it seriously. If I wasn’t a writer, I wouldn’t have a Twitter account or even think about using it. Nothing really makes me mad since Twitter is filled with idiots. I go for the chuckles – either from posts or responding to them.
In some respects, I am a troll. There are times I post shit simply to make people overreact. Snarky comments are my binky in life. Of course, in the last few months, Twitter has become a savaged battlefield of social media. Lives and reputations are merely part of the poorly written body count in a war that has consumed the world. If you make even the most innocent of comments, there are a dozen people that will pounce on you. In two hours last weekend I was called a Nazi, a member of the Gestapo, a gun-nut, a Socialist, a racist, and a moron. I am none of these things…though I am toying with “gun-nut” based on the accusations leveled at me.
The social media hostility level is at Defcon 5. So for those of you that want to venture into the Twitter-verse, here’s some common lines I saw dropped over the weekend – and what my interpretation of what they really mean is. Enjoy and share!
“I respect your opinion, but…” You are so wrong I actually threw up a little bit in the back of my mouth. Who knew you could be so stupid.
“What qualifies you as an expert?” I am smarter than you and want to prove it. If proven wrong, I will simply call you a Nazi or racist, so it’s all good.
“Nazi” You don’t 110% agree with my thinking so my solution is to resort to labeling you the worst possible thing I can think of. It doesn’t matter if the subject is your favorite flavor of yogurt, if you don’t completely agree with me, you are, quite literally, one of the worst persons in history.
“Racist.” I couldn’t spell Nasi (or is it Nazi?) but I want you to know I am giving you a label and hate anything you type. Rather than refute or debate it, this is the only bullet I have in my gun, so I use it for just about anything.
“Socialist” Stop whining about free stuff you believe you are owed by society. Speaking for society, you aren’t owed shit. Get back to work.
“I’m no expert but…” I’m TOTALLY an expert because I can use ‘the Google’…
“Troll” You dared to challenge my post and rather than use logic, I resort to name calling to diminish your validity on the topic at hand.
“On Fox News they said…” You are a grumpy old man who is usually busy yelling at kids for being on his yard. PS – this is me.
“On MSNBC they said …” You are detached from reality and likely a Marxist, Anarchist, and get your news from The View. Admit it, you think that Joy Behar is a hottie, don’t you?
“Play adult games – win adult prizes.” If you go off and break the law and act stupid, don’t be surprised when someone opens a can of whoop-ass on you. (Please post videos of you getting your ass kicked – thanks!)
“We’re all good.” I grow weary of this battle of words. Can we call a truce?
“Let me be clear…” I will use little words so you can understand what I am attempting to say.
“My bad.” Crap, you called me out on my bullshit post. Curse you!
“Apologies” Drop dead, but do it quietly.
“You are a bad faith actor.” You dared challenge my idiotic thoughts and have fought me to a stalemate. Curse you!
“You’re a hater.” Actually, I hate you, but it is much more fun for me to call you something bad and hater works for me.
“WTF?” Are you on booze, weed, meth, or a combo of the three?
“I’m sorry…” I am totally not sorry but prefer to sound reasonable.
“Gaslight” You are attempting to manipulate people into thinking a way I don’t want them to. Stop it.
“Bro” I was born after 1999.
“Apparently…” You have no idea what you are writing about.
“Gotcha!” I am giving myself a participation trophy on Twitter. Mom says I’m the best!
“Quit ur whining…” 1. I lack the ability to spell complete words. 2. I don’t have a logical argument to refute your facts, so I am just going to call your comments ‘whining’ and hope you go away. 3. With these spelling skills I will be working in the fascinating world of fast food as a career.
“It’s extremely disappointing to hear you ___ ” I am SO much smarter than you that my solution to your point is to talk down to you. Here, let me draw you a picture…
“Oh, I know…” No, I really don’t have a clue. I do have an opinion though, one I will shove in your face, right now.
“Peaceful protesters.” Rioters
“Everyone knows…” Everyone I know who thinks the way I do believes the way I do on this subject. I have actually conducted scientific polls to verify this. We all got together and agreed that you are stupid by the way.
“Vote vote vote!” Vote – three times, for my candidate.
“If you ask me…” No one asked me, but I feel my opinion is SUPER important.
“I must have really been on target when I called you a ______” It is bothering me that, after I resorted to name calling, you have not replied. In fact, it is bothering me so much that I need to try and prod you into reacting…so I can call you another name.
“Seriously?” God you’re fu*king stupid. I mean like drunk cheerleader stupid.
“I have a right to _____” I know nothing about the law, but play a lawyer on Twitter by describing rights, rules, and laws that simply don’t exist.
“What you don’t understand…” How could anyone be this stupid? Now I will explain it to you as if you were a 3rd grader. Even then, it’s hit or miss as to whether you will get it.
“Using only a GIF, describe _____” I am far too busy to read. I prefer pictures but Pinterest is SO complicated. So please, take 10 minutes to go search the web to tell me something that I really don’t give a shit about.
“It is clear that you ____” Allow me to accuse of being or doing something that you are not, simply to garner overreaction on your part.