Funny Fantasy RPG T-Shirt Sayings

First off, I copyright all of these slogans since I made them up on the fly and at least a few are funny.  Second, I started to realize with the lack of gaming conventions this last year that we could all use a little chuckle.  So as a bit of a creative writing exercise, I thought I would put together a list of sayings from fantasy RPG’s that could be on T-Shirts.  Enjoy!

Paladin in the streets, rouge in the sheets

Cleric – Everyone jokes about my god until they are bleeding out.

Thief – Let’s not get all nervous and start inventorying who has what in whose backpack…

12 days since our party set a town on fire.

In our defense, the locals were a bit uppity…

In my defense, I thought the room was bigger when I cast fireball.

I only have two words for you, “Rage-on!”

I cast Eldritch Blast.  Pew – pew – pew!

There are few things in the game that Magic Missile cannot resolve.

When I was a kid, we all had 10 foot poles and tapped the dungeon floors ahead of us.

DM:  “No, that baby Gorgon cannot be your familiar.” 

I open it. What are the odds of that chest being a mimic?  Wait, why is the DM rolling dice?

Eating hands since 1977

Those voices in your head…that’s me…the Warlock.

I was a murder hobo before we called it that. 

Sure I wear hemp robes, but can you turn into a grizzly bear? 

I kill everyone in the tavern.  Why?  It’s the only way to be sure.

I disbelieve everything!

You decapitated him.  Yes I did!  You’re lawful good.  His head was not!

Stand back guys, I’m about to woo this bar-wench with my charisma…

Time to worry…the DM is breaking out more dice.

Guys, charming the town guards is not the same as killing the town guards. 

Necromancy – If your party is killed you are just getting started.

I’m a Druid.  I was green before it was cool.

Spell components are for wimps!

Most obnoxious character:  Bard with bagpipes.

No, this won’t draw attention to the party…

I use my free action to crush these dice.

Keep your distance.  I’m Chaotic Neutral

Stop calling my Barbarian the party meat shield.

Aw shit, the DM is smiling!

It would have worked, if I hadn’t rolled a 1

My dice are not cursed – they just don’t perform well under pressure.

Listen closely to my Vicious Mockery!

Stand back, I’m about to critically fail!

Dude, you’re bleeding all over my new armor.

I don’t care about the rules, can I just kill something?

The best laid plans can’t beat a 1 on a D20

Yes, I did ask if cannibalism is allowed…

Stop being judgmental – it was just a little murder-hoboing. 

I don’t care what kind of skin the book is covered with, I open it!

Bard:  The mob is rushing us?  I have a song for that!

What is an encumbrance check and why are you asking me to do it on this bridge?

“I am a god!”  “No, you just rolled a 20.”

There’s a random spell effects table???

How edible is that goblin?

Monk:  Behold my fists of fury and my fingers of penetrating deep massage

What do you mean it’s immune to everything but silver?

Why would they name the tavern Slice and Dice?

What do you mean the Satyr is rubbing my shoulders seductively?

When you said the room was full of spiders, how full is full?  

I can totally seduce that lady with the snakes for hair…

Well, you can try…

There is nothing in the rules that says we can’t use the dwarf as a grappling hook.

Desecration is not a skill.

Yes, I drink the vial marked Ipecac Syrup.  What happens?  Do I feel anything?

You may feel a slight discomfort…

Wait, what pentagram on the floor are you talking about?

Maybe she’s levitating because she’s into me.

“What do you mean I can’t swim in plate armor?”  “The good news is the rest of the party can’t hear your screams as you sink.” 

The ogres are not amused with your banter.

Watch where you place that hunters mark. 

Rangers – It’s more than chasing bears with picnic baskets.

How many hit points on the little one?

What, exactly, is that voice in my head saying again?

When it matters, I go invisible.

The good news.  You’re unconscious.  The bad news, your burning flesh smells like bacon and is attracting more orcs. 

“Words can’t hurt.” Warlock: I cast Dissonant Whispers!

Wizard:  “I reach into my pouch and put on my ring of invisibility.”  Thief:  “Yeah, about that…” 

I’m not just a murder hobo, I am the KING of murder hobos!

Do I get experience points for making his body stop twitching?

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