RPG Humor – Famous Last Words

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I remember seeing some lists out there years ago, so I thought a fresh perspective might be in order.  This applies to a wide range of role playing games (with an emphasis on fantasy games) and is provided solely to give you a chuckle.  I didn’t cheat and look at the old lists out there, so any similarities are coincidental.

He’s got to be out of offensive spells at this point.  Let’s rush him!

He’s probably only got a few more hit points.

No, I’m not familiar with a polymorph spell.  What does it do to me?

They will never expect us to come at them from this angle.

We can survive in a vacuum long enough to pull it off.

They’ll never see us coming.

That dragon is bluffing.

Don’t worry – we’re well out of range of their (fireballs, catapults, arrows, trebuchet, ballista, machineguns, BattleMechs, lightning bolts, spears, lasers, missiles, etc.)

We have them right where we want them.

Ignore them, it’s a diversionary attack.

Gas?  No problem – we’ll just hold our breath as we fight.

The only thing these guys understand is brute force.

If we run fast enough through the fire it should minimize the damage.

Let’s pile all of the ammo crates in one spot, real close to our position.

Liches are not nearly as tough as you might think.

If we rush them, they can’t possibly hit all of us.

I don’t know what this wand does, but we’re about to find out!

I thought you said it was just a bunch of farmers in this village?

Freeze.  If we don’t make a sound or move, they’ll go right on by us.

We’ve got to win…we’re the good guys.

Don’t worry, it can’t get any worse than this.

What do you mean, “That’s no moon…?”

I’m only a little bit on fire…

Why yes, I give that lever a good hard yank.

(To the enemy) I dare you to use that wand again!

He’s not so tough now…wait…what do you mean he stands up and starts grinning?

We’ve taken out all of their heavy hitters.

He’s just a tiny dragon.

I disbelieve!

What do you mean it’s no longer in my backpack?  Where did it go?

Those are just statues – not everything is a golem.

We’ll let them have the first shot, just to show them what badasses we are.

For the record, they started it…

I’m out of arrows…I didn’t know you were keeping track.

I moon them Braveheart-style.

I get a running start and jump the pit/gap/chasm.

I wonder what this rope is attached to?  (Tug)

I spit in Zeus’ face to show him I’m not afraid.

We have them surrounded – so why are they laughing?

As long as they don’t have a magic user, we should be safe here.

It’s storming?  I move under the tall tree for shelter.

You’ll never take us alive!

I bitch-slap the head of the Thieves Guild, just to get my point across.

We don’t have time to make the light speed calculations — punch it!

I wonder what that whooshing sound is?

I take off my armor to intimidate them and show them I am not afraid.

I kill our hostage – that should prove we were serious.

No, I didn’t take off my armor before I jumped in…why?

I never would have set it on fire if I’d known that was the only exit!

The dragon’s asleep?  This is going to be a cake walk.

What do you mean ‘that’s the controls to the airlock?’

Owlbear?  That sounds more cuddly than dangerous.  How tough could that be?

I drink all of the unmarked potion – what happens?

It’s just fog guys.

Don’t waste your time burning those trolls – we need to see what is in their den.

What do you mean I don’t see the pin on the grenade?

I’m not going to waste time checking for traps.

We can relax, this room is secure.

(To the DM)  Blah, blah, blah.  Skip the flavor text and start rolling some dice.  Daddy needs the EP’s…

I look that Medusa right in the eye and I tell her…

Who was watching the horses?  Where is he?  Where are they?

I thought you were keeping the map so we could find our way out!

No problem – I’m invisible.

It’s probably a bad time to remind you that I was against this idea.

That has to be an illusion.

(To the DM) No, I’m not familiar with Greek Fire.  Why?

What do you mean he shrugs off my 18 points of damage and winks at me?

When you say the cave floor is moist and squishy, what exactly do you mean?

The only way I can miss is if I roll a one.

Watch out for that crossfire!

They’re not fooling me with that diversion.  We stand our ground here.

Guys, this probably is a good time to point out that we apparently are standing on a pentagram.

Kevlar stops everything – right?

For this plan to work, I need a volunteer to act as bait…

(To the DM)  Did you say thirty orcs?  I thought you said thirteen.

Where’s that guy we just killed?

I smash the dragon’s eggs.  How does that leather-winged bitch react to that?

I make a run between the giant’s legs.

When you say I detect a trap everywhere…what do you mean by ‘everywhere?’

What kind of a sick bastard fills a pit with acid?

Why are you handing me a blank character sheet?  You haven’t even rolled for the damage yet.

Of course I’m reading the scroll out loud.

What do you mean my sword is missing?

Split up – they can’t possibly follow all of us.

I swear to God I didn’t know those things could fly like that.

I just start randomly pushing buttons – does anything happen?

Why do you want to know if I have swimming as a skill?

Liche?  No problem, I can turn the undead.

Quick mix all of the potions together and drink them.  It’s do or die time!

Did their captain just yell, “Leave no one alive?”

I’ve got a 17 charisma, so I naturally put the moves on the princess…

I saw this once in a Roadrunner cartoon…we can do this…

There’s five of us and one of him…this should be easy.

How was I supposed to know she was married/intended as a virgin sacrifice/possessed by a demon?

I wonder why they are all chanting?

We run across the rope suspension bridge to get away.

Don’t worry, we’re safe here in this keep.

We can do this, I saw this scene in (Insert movie or TV show)

We torch the forest/town/tavern/castle – that should get their attention.

I climb into the catapult and give the signal…

What do you mean fireball’s expand?

This is usually the part where they break and run…but this time they’re not.  Hmm…

You’re darned right I refuse to bow down to the king.  I didn’t get to fifth level by being a wuss.

If we don’t move, they’ll never spot us.

I’m hearing his voice inside my head?  That can’t be good.

Yes I AM trying to jump wearing full armor.  Why are you looking so puzzled?

I don’t know if the spell needs components.  Is that important?

(After ten minutes to hacking through the door) Do we surprise them?

What do you mean I am out of ammunition?

I quickly dive out of the window…wait…what floor were we on again?

I told you that it was a waste of money to pay for maintenance on the ship.

I run across the flowing lava really fast so I don’t sink in.

Why yes, I am holding the torch while I prepare the oil flasks to throw them.  Why?

I start the auto-destruct sequence to bluff him into standing down.

What do you mean you need a shit-load of D20’s for the damage?

I’m low on hit points, I’ll take the rear guard.  There’s no way they will hit us from there.

We’ll be safe in that cave/up those trees/in that house/etc…

Of course we have a campfire going, why?

Don’t worry, if these guys were any good they wouldn’t be city guards.

It’s just a ballista…it’s probably like being hit with an arrow.

(To the DM)  Why are you checking the starvation tables?

Yes, of course we are still tied to each other in case one of us falls off the cliff…why do you ask?

I don’t have to take that kind of backtalk from a wizard.

I yell to the angry mob and tell them to bite me.

You didn’t just kill the pilot did you?

It’s almost as if they are acting as bait for us.

(About the DM) When I said, “what else could he throw at us,” I didn’t mean it as some sort of challenge.

That bright light in the sky is getting bigger and brighter?  Hmm…

Slow down, what plane of Hell did we open a portal to again?

The vampire turns into a cloud of mist…so we won, right?

I told you it would be easy…look, they’re running away.

How many spears are incoming?

Avalanche, smavalanche…

The crew abandoned ship?  How hard could it be to sail a vessel in a storm?

He’s just a little Beholder.

I cross the rope tightrope-style.

How many vampires coffins are in the room with us?

Everybody try and hide!

The only way to get his respect is to insult his wife.

Sure, I agree to a battle of wits with him.

Which colored flare do I use to call off the in-bound air strike?

We leap off the cliff and aim for the lake.  Wait…how deep is that water?

We’re safe.  You’d have to be a ninja or a monk to climb those walls to get to us.

I’m telling you, that dragon has breathed its last blast of fire.

I’m calling in an artillery strike – danger-close!

Wait…how many giants did you say were running at us?

It’s just an earthquake.

Damn right I’m going to mock that stupid bard.

This is a hell of a time to be getting a physics lesson.

That’s not how you desecrate a temple — THIS is how you desecrate temple…

I think we lost them.

(To the DM)  What do you mean there’s no point in me rolling for initiative?

Screw the druid…torch the forest.

I stick my head above the battlement walls to see if they are still there.

I discrete their temple…that should get their attention.

They’ve walked right into our trap.

I’m sure we’re out of the blast radius.

Did he really just yell, “Release the Kraken!”?

I’m counting on it swallowing me whole so I can gut it from the inside…

I know I’m blinded – I’m casting the spell in the direction of his voice.

Everybody spread out, it will force them to divide their fire.

Yes I did just refer to the Drow queen as a ‘Hot Black Chick’…why?

So shaman can cast spells?

Stop wasting time in looking up its stats and let’s just get on killing this thing.

Why is that goblin hoard laughing at us?

I’ve worded this wish so well there’s no way the DM can screw with us…

So that’s why they call it the Prison of Souls…

I’m pretty sure we aren’t all in its cone of fire.

I’m taking it off, armor just slows me down.

(To the DM)  When you say ‘tornado,’ what exactly do you mean?

(After five days of desert travel)  Look, and oasis….we’re gonna make it!

Who cares what the impact is – I’m changing alignment right here and right now.

Give me a hand prying open that coffin.

Mindflayers sure don’t look very tough.

We will never surrender!  You’ll have to kill us first.

What do you mean there’s a duration on that spell?

No one brought flint and steel?

Which walls are moving?

I really wish I’d bought a copy of the Monster Manual.

(To the DM) Of course I’ve seen the movie Alien.  Why do you ask…ut oh…

Alright, I sit down to barter with that Devil.

Before you throw the switch, what is the percentage chance that the noose/rope will break?

I don’t care what’s carved on the floor, everybody into the room.

What do you mean he’s kicking that grenade back at me?

Yes I’m putting the moves on the barkeep’s daughter.

Then I say, “Are all the city guards as stupid or ugly as you?”

I can’t believe that none of us bought rope.

I can’t parry a lightning bolt?  Are you sure?

It’s never too late to beg for forgiveness.

(To the DM) There’s a chart for explosive decompression?  Why are you asking for it?

Dive into the sewer, we’ll be safe there.

These guys only respect you when you respond forcefully.

How close is that star?

Why are our scouts running back towards us?

When you said the Thieves Guild was coming after us, I didn’t think you meant the whole guild.

When you said the ship lost power, you didn’t mean the whole ship, did you?

When you say the room is getting hot – how hot is that?

This isn’t the time to get all Paladinny on me – kill her.

Why do you want to borrow my copy of the Dungeon’s Master’s Guide?

If Butch and Sundance can make it – I’m sure we can.

Was that a “morpal” blade he’s swinging at me?  Oh crap…

They’ve stopped chasing us, we’re in the clear.

What do you mean I didn’t damage him with a roll of a 20?

When you say “transporter malfunction,” what exactly do you mean?

I’m beginning to think someone switched that road sign back there…

I have not begun to die!

Our line of retreat is blocked by what?

I ignore the radiation warning alarm and enter the room.

So that’s why they call them blink dogs…

Don’t listen to him, he’s just a bard.

I’m sure the “Rapids of Death” is just a name the locals use to scare travelers.

The joke’s on him – I cast featherfall.  No, it’s not slotted, why is that important?

That’s got to be the last charge on his wand/staff…

A demon – no problem – magic missile.

Who cares if they have the high ground?

These guys aren’t beating us – they’re tenderizing us.

Everybody into the portable hole!

I switch to my old trusty bronze sword.

I break the wizards staff over my knee.

I don’t need a physics lesson – just tell me how much damage do I take after a 300 foot fall into the river?

What do you mean I hear the sound of wheels?  They can’t have any siege equipment…

Don’t worry about him…he’s dead.

Why are you rolling that many dice for initiative?

(To the DM) I call foul.  That’s not in the Monster Manual.

They’re immune to fire?  Are you sure?

Bob – why are your eyes glowing?  Bob??

Wow…that was easier than I thought it would be.

Why is our scout running back to us so fast?

Set the self-destruct for a twenty-second count down.  That should be plenty of time.

I have a two for driving skill – why?

Hey guys, I think we’re standing in some sort of oil.

Yes I do remember being bit by that wolf…why bring it up now?

The ring can only be used once a day?

We can make it – I saw this on Survivor once.

On the count of three…one…two…

Finally, a safe place to camp.

That noise in the bush is probably just another rabbit.

I can’t be dehydrated…my character has been drinking regularly from his wineskin.

No my sword isn’t magical or silvered — is that important?

Death Stare – that’s a real thing?

Weapons lock?  Who’s locking onto–

What do you mean they can see in the dark?

I’m not wasting power on the cloaking device.

When you say giant snake – how big is giant?

I don’t care if he is standing in the same pool as the rest of our party – I fire lightning bolt!

Fine, leave us!  We don’t need your cleric anyway.

He gets how many attacks per round?

Who drank the last of the healing potion?

I taunt them, their mothers, and their sisters.

Is that incoming artillery barrage ours or the enemies?

Don’t bother me with the details.

Hey, why are our hirelings running?

You guys will back me up…right?

That abandoned mine should give us cover.

None of our spells or magic weapons work?  That’s impossible.

Who cares what my character smells?  Tell me something important.

Does anybody have any silver weapons?

Summoning that fire elemental may have made things worse.

The joke’s on you…I took my armor off to fight this rust monster!

Everyone run through the portal!

Ramming speed!

My ribs are now poking through my back?  That doesn’t sound good.

So he pulled the battle axe out of his chest and licked the blood off of it?  That can’t be a good sign.

What do you mean, I don’t detect that statue moving?

I’m tying the bag of gold onto my belt so I don’t lose them while swimming the river.

Boy, you kill one High Priest and the whole temple takes it the wrong way.

We’ve been fighting for an hour.  Maybe I can convince them to negotiate now.

I stand before the charging cavalry like Jon Snow and draw my sword.

If the dwarf thief says he’s disarmed all of the traps, then he’s disarmed all the traps.

Yes I’m concerned, that giant just sprinkled me with seasoning salt!

I’m not pulling the ripcord until the last possible second.

Quick, dive into this old lava vent!

It’s just a tiny hole (in a spacesuit, in a vacuum).

Did he just say he was calculating the in-flight velocity and splash radius of a fully armored dwarf?

They get how many attacks per turn?

Wait – did he just say that the mountain moved?

There was only one hag here a minute ago.

The joke’s on them.  It’s going to take a lot more than that to knock down that castle wall.

Sure it’s a 200 foot plummet but I’ll survive – I’m wearing armor.

I don’t have time to confirm the coordinates of that air strike.

You suck as a dungeon master…

zombie

Review of Patriots Day

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I can’t say this is a spoiler-free review.  The bombing of the Boston Marathon was just three years ago, though it seems like more time has passed.  This movie proves how fallible human memory is. There were so many things about those few fear filled days that I had forgotten about.

This movie is a powerful docudrama starring Mark Wahlberg, J. K. Simmons, Kevin Bacon, and John Goodman.  There’s no glitzy Hollywood intro – from the start you are immersed in the prelude to the race.  The story is told from many perspectives, most of those through the eyes of the law enforcement officers involved with tracking down and capturing and killing the terrorists.

It is gripping and compelling.  No matter what you remember about the incidents tied to this horrific crime, you are sucked into the character stories.  It is a tense ride for the viewer, one where your emotions are torn and tugged at by the performances of the actors.

There were times I cried, times I wanted to cheer, and times I cringed and averted my eyes. The images of gore and ghastly human damage from the bombing are necessary, but still cringe-worthy.  Mark Wahlberg’s performance is top-notch, as is Kevin Bacon’s.  You are sucked into the story from the start and you cannot afford a bio-break during the movie, the pacing is so rigid.

I loved this movie, plain and simple.  It is one of the better film adaptions of historical events that I ‘ve seen since Sully.  You come away wiping away tears and remembering those hours where we were all Boston Strong – when we all stood behind law enforcement.  I know that doesn’t fit the current narrative that the media shoves down our throats; that police are racist murderers.  This film flies right in the face of that kind of story and does so with class, grace, and with honor.

I honestly can’t believe that this movie isn’t getting more press. Trust me, it is well worth your time to go see it.

No matter what you think you remember about those painful hours, I highly recommend this film.  Five out of five stars.

#PatriotsDay

Book Review: Indefensible: The Missing Truth about Steven Avery, Teresa Halbach, and Making a Murderer by Michael Griesbach

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I was seduced into reading this book, not because I had watched the Netflix Documentary (if that’s what it can be called) but by the hope to cut through some of the hype and get to facts.  Michael Griesbach’s book does that – though it takes a long road to get there.

As a true crime author I carefully watched the chatter/buzz about the Making of a Murderer documentary.  What I took note of was the gross omissions that many claimed the producers made.  In fairness, I’ve only seen snippets of the documentary myself.  I wanted to know the truth about the crime without having to binge-watch the documentary.  I wanted the truth.

Mr. Griesbach gets us there.  The first few chapters tell us why he wrote the book and his role in the prosecutor’s office.  It was okay, but dragged.  I found myself chomping at the bit to get to the details of the crime.

When I finally got there, I got the book I purchased…it delivered.  I have seen some professional debunking in true crime before, (Gerald Posner’s JFK book Case Closed as well as Vince Bugliosi’s Reclaiming History).  This book isn’t on par with those epics, but does a stalwart job of tearing apart the documentary with the skill that only a professional prosecutor could.

The author did a masterful job of picking apart even the background story of Mr. Avery as presented in the films.  The entire incident of the cat being set on fire, which I found online, was presented in almost a “boys having fun,” manner when in reality, it was pure, vicious animal cruelty.

I’m not getting into his guilt or innocence and the book does a good job of not laying that framework – only dismantling of the “evidence” presented in the documentary.

With a slow start – I give this book four out of five stars.  My only words of caution: I think you’ll enjoy it more if you have watched the documentary.

To the Gellesian Fields – Part 2

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Galinndan…

We set out from WhiteRock with 15 silver pieces each in our pockets courtesy of the coffers of the good citizens. I guess that is what they consider our lives worth.  I did take careful note of where my friends put their silver.  Some of that was force of habit.  The rest is me watching in case I have to take an “unapproved loan” at some point. What the party doesn’t know won’t hurt them.

We tried to convince the livery owner to loan us his two horses, but he was not interested in loaning them – only selling them.  I could have stolen them – I am a Guild Thief by trade, but common sense comes into play.  Guild Rule #12:  You don’t rob your own roost.

We set out for the Gellesian Fields with two of us riding ponies and the others on foot.  I’d been to the Fields in my youth, we all had.  Fathers take their sons there as a rite of passage, to tell the tales of the glorious battles fought there.  I wasn’t that impressed when I made the journey.  I was not a fighter nor did I want to be one.  I preferred to make my money the old-fashioned way, taking it from the rich.

Our second night on the road there were some noises off to the west.  With the rolling hills they were hard to make out, so I woke the others to join me.   Bor couldn’t see in the black of night so Althalus tried to summon an illusionary torch for him to carry.  I like to think his heart is in the right place.  It was, of course, pure folly, a classic Althalus stunt.  There are times I wonder if that warlock does things like that just to make me laugh or is he serious?

We never did find out what the sounds were coming from.  In the end we opted to depart.  This suited me just fine – as I have said many times, I am not a fighter.  I’m in this for the money (after the Guild takes its 20%).  Guild Rule #1:  The Guild always gets its cut – even from the dead.

Midday on the third day on the road north, we came across eight copper coins, two of which were stained with dried blood.  They were on the road and off to the east.  Copper coins, hardly worth picking them up from my perspective.  We moved out and by evening found the remains of some human-like creatures, flayed, in a heap at the bottom of a small valley.  The stink of decaying flesh made my eyes water.  Flies swarmed around the remains in sickening gray

clouds.  Whatever had happened to these wretched souls had happened days earlier.  To me, it looked as if they had been flayed – not just murdered.  I was all for checking the bodies, (Guild Rule #46  The dead have no use for gold,) but night was coming and the thought was that we would come back in the morning. No one was keen on being down with the dead when night came.

Our plan was changed on the fifth watch – my watch.  It began with voices on the night breeze.  I couldn’t make out what they said, but they were murmurs in the darkness, barely discernible as language.  Then came the reflections of light coming from where the rotting carcass’s lay.

I woke up Theren and the others and he and I agreed to scout out the source of the sounds.  We crept forward in the tall cool grass, wet with dew.  I reached the crest of the hill and slowly lifted my head for a better view.  I came up face-to-face with a goblin.  “Ahh-reee!” it squealed, stabbing at my arm with its dagger.  My armor deflected it, my bladder released a bit, and the battle was on.

I’ve never face goblins before.  They were spry, nimble, angry little buggers.  Arrows filled the air along with javelins, mostly aimed at Theren and me.  I got hit twice – enough to convince me to start to fall back and to bleed profusely (I didn’t really have to be convinced of that part).  As I thinned my blood supply, Theren turned and had a gob-javelin sticking out of his left shoulder, still in the fight.  Poor Bor, he rushed to the crest, pulled out his throwing ax, let it fly – only to have it skid in the sod right at one of the goblin’s feet.  Althalus conjured his accursed eldritch blast on two of the creatures, making one’s head explode in a sickening red-green mist.  Arius’s enchanted blade lit with eerie holy fire and he set one of the creatures ablaze with his magic.  Five of the creatures fell before the others fled into the night.  We toyed with the idea of pursuit – but it seemed foolish.  I don’t know much about goblins, but I feared they might be luring us back to a larger camp.

The next day we awoke to find one of our ponies, Pedro, was gone.  The goblin footprints near his cut reins was as infuriating as the fact it happened on my watch.  Mine!  I am the expert in stealthy movements – and one of those creatures got the best of me.  I hate to think about what they might do with that pony – or what they could have done to us. I found solace in the Guild Rules, #210 Revenge is a right that can be delivered at the most inconvenient time.   That goblin would pay – just not that night.

Theren and Althalus checked out the dead both from our battle and those bodies left there.  The only thing out of the ordinary was the goblins…they were a rough cloth tunic with the letter “L” on it, far too ornate for goblins.  Was this a sign of their tribe or something else?  Was I the only one that wondered what goblins were doing in this region?  The road to the Fields was safe when I was a child.  This was not safe – not at all.  What were goblins doing this far south?

Some Raw Campaign Humor…Stronger Together’s Hillarious Amazon Review Debacle

There’s a small story behind this that a lot of authors know about, but, to your shock and dismay (yes I’m being snarky) the mainstream media has ignored.  That is Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine’s book review debacle.  It is, in my opinion, a scandal well worth noting and I’m happy to break the story.

Hillary and Tim (aw, who are we kidding, some kids on their staff) wrote Stronger Together.  What they were clearly targeting was the same kick that President Obama got from his book, The Audacity of Hope.   What they hadn’t counted on was the change in the political climate.  People out there are angry, frustrated, deplorable, and, as it turns out, pretty damned funny.  In that kind of environment, releasing a book like this was a risky decision – one I am glad they made.

People bought the book and posted reviews…hilarious (pun intended) reviews.  Brutal, vicious, biting, twisted, funny reviews.  Here’s a sample:

“I was going to read this book … I really was. But just as I got started, I found myself under sniper fire, passed out, and fell and hit my head. After that I got double vision and had to wear glasses that were so damn thick I couldn’t even see to read. As if that wasn’t enough, I then had an allergic reaction to something and started coughing so hard I spit out what looked like a couple of lizard’s eyeballs, my limbs locked up, and I passed out and fell down again, waking up only to find out I had been diagnosed with pneumonia 2 days earlier. Somehow I managed to power through it all, but it’s a good thing I was able to make a small fortune on this random small trade in the commodities market (cattle futures or some such thing) and then, miracle of all miracles, a few banks offered me a few million to just talk to their employees for a few minutes – and all that really helped out because I swear I was dead broke and couldn’t figure out how I was gonna come up with the 6 bucks to pay for this book, let alone pay the $1,500 for my health insurance this month. I still want to read it, but, honestly, what difference at this point does it make? I hear it sucks anyway.”

Thousands of these kinds of reviews are posted for this book.  I read them during my whopping 10 minute lunch, amazed that the late night talk shows or TV news channels hadn’t latched onto reading them…then again, that didn’t fit their political agenda.  When you give a frustrated people a public place to vent, they take advantage of it.

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One of the actual reviews…complete with the picture

The real story, and you will see it in some of the posts (there are hundreds of pages of them) is that Amazon.com deleted hundreds of the reviews.  This is amazing.  As an author, I can’t get a review deleted from a legitimate purchase if my life counted on it.  Even stupid ones like, “I have this one star because I downloaded the wrong book,” sticks because that was Amazon’s “policy.”  But, in the dark of night, (probably on Bezo’s private server), they deleted the more vicious reviews by the hundreds.  Yes, I know there’s some real irony in doing mass digital deletions of reviews of Hillary’s book but apparently Amazon didn’t see that.  Worse, they thought that the trolls of the net would simply let that pass.  Silly Amazon…

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Those of us that are authors were pissed off (regardless of our political party) – and rightfully so.  If anything it was another log on the growing bonfire of how business and the media were being far from impartial.  Amazon caught a lot of flak, which they rightfully deserved, and restored many of the reviews.  Still, the damage was done.

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I haven’t read the book – and won’t.  I’m not going to post a review about it because I would be expressing my personal agenda and that’s my own business.  I do encourage all of you to read the reviews and chuckle.  Make sure you scroll down and click “See all XXXX reviews” to broaden your entertainment options.

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I know some Clinton supporter is bound to get a twisted thong out of all of this.  I’m not raking her book or her policies.  I’m simply offering some lighthearted fun compliments of the internet.  You’re fu*king welcome.

With this election season, we could all use a good laugh!  Please share this link with your friends!

 

Humorous Yearbook Awards

 

Lodge
I kid you not, this is the 1999 yearbook from my high school.  I graduated in 1980 so I can’t be blamed for “Beaver Fever” in the title.  It was funny enough when they would announce at a football game – “Here come the Beaver Cheerleaders…”  

When I was a kid we had little quotes under graduates photographs in the yearbook.  Little things like “Voted Most Likely to Succeed.”  I always was suspicious of this, since I honestly don’t remember any of us actually voting for this stuff.  Then again, I mentally have purged most of my memories of high school in general.

With graduation season just around the corner, I thought I would attempt at a cynical/snarky list of contemporary things that students could be put in a modern yearbook.  Enjoy!

  • Most likely to live off government welfare (and complain about it.)
  • Voted most likely to appear in a compromising act on YouTube.
  • Semi-professional instigator.
  • Unlikely to move out of parents basement in the foreseeable future…if ever.
  • Likely to fail filling out the University of Phoenix entry application.
  • Best attempt at alcohol poisoning before the age of 25.
  • Best looking in their old letterman jacket ten years from now.
  • Most likely to appear on Catfish or Tosh.O
  • Future semi-professional pole dancer.
  • Most likely to be unable to walk past the Entemann’s display in the grocery store.
  • Worst future parent – AKA The Britney Spears Award.
  • Most likely to remain terminally bitchy in later life.
  • Most likely to die in a meth lab explosion. (Also qualifies for Worst Home Chemist award)
  • Leader of the best fight at an upcoming class reunion.
  • Most likely to grow up and be a semi-professional asshat (or ambulance chasing lawyer – your choice)
  • Most likely to make little out of a life full of bad decisions.
  • Most likely to become a bitter social media troll posting angry political posts aimed at offending those of lesser minds.
  • Future Walmart department head.
  • Poster-child for the terminally geeky.
  • Most likely to have children that cut themselves.
  • Most likely to drive their future spouse to suicide.
  • Best Goth Wannabe.
  • Destined to be a bad gym teacher.
  • Most likely to appear in an episode of Cops.
  • Most likely to appear as a douchebag on an episode of the Bachelor.
  • Most likely to be a purification supervisor at the Flint Michigan Water Plant.
  • Destined for a career in small town politics or running a used car lot (or both).
  • Most likely to be that guy that makes loud noises when working out at the gym.
  • Peaked in Junior High.
  • Most likely to leave a trail of wrecked souls and crushed dreams throughout her life.
  • Still on the run from reality…
  • Most likely to be referred to on TV news as: “A quiet loner…I’m not surprised he killed all those people.”
  • The guy who takes a penny but never leaves a penny.
  • Future Pall Mall spokesperson.
  • Most likely to explode with the barista gets their latte order wrong.
  • Will pass on his/her bullying skills to another generation.
  • Voted most likely to be the champion burrito folder for the Midwest Chipotle restaurants.
  • Destined to hold school record for tobacco spitting.
  • Potential for being the worst mother in-law in human history.
  • Aspires to own a new double-wide.
  • Future involuntary bald guy.
  • Terminal underachiever.
  • Destined to raise children that will burn down the entire neighborhood.
  • Future home – in a van down by the river.
  • Destined for terminal pregnancy throughout her life.
  • Poster-child for Housefrau’s of America
  • Future body canvas for horrid tattoo’s.
  • Best upcoming mid-life crisis.
  • “Would you like fries with that?”
  • Most likely to be in the left lane with his/her blinker on going 45 mph oblivious to the world.
  • Can’t text and breathe at the same time.
  • Believes Breaking Bad is a tutorial.
  • Goes commando even when not in vogue.
  • Most likely to grow old, alone, with 60-ish cats.
  • Destined to nag spouse into suicide.
  • Likely to be fired in a sexting scandal in later life.
  • Unable to tells the difference between social media and the real world.
  • Unlimited career potential…in the prison commissary.
  • Looking common sense in the rearview mirror.
  • Runs with scissors.
  • Future victim of alcohol, bad decisions, and raging hormones.
  • Destined to turn lottery tickets into a failed personal retirement program.
  • Most likely to have the correct body weight for a 17 foot tall human.
  • Future helicopter mother.
  • Wears bib overalls with no shirt.
  • Future stripper name:  Lotsa
  • Will always own a car that is at least ten years old.
  • Most likely to have bodies buried under the front porch.
  • Most likely to have an outstanding collection of NASCAR collector plates.
  • Most likely to have his pants sag down just above the knees.
  • Will attempt to set the Guinness world record for number of divorces and failed relationships.
  • Elementary school bus accident in the making.
  • Last words he/she will say, “Here, hold my beer…”
  • Will own a winery and likely consume the profit margin.
  • This person will leave their bumper stickers on out of pure laziness (that and they are holding the bumper on).
  • Future star of an episode of Hoarders.
  • Will wear SpongeBob sleepwear on an airplane with no regard to anyone else’s sense of taste.
  • Believes flip-flops are formal attire.
  • In charge of the “expensive beer” at upcoming college parties.
  • Willing to ruin other people’s lives to appear in Rolling Stone feature article.
  • Plays with matches.
  • Decapitates Barbie dolls as a hobby.
  • Regularly listens to the voices in his/her head.
  • Is preserving his high school football jersey in case he makes it to the NFL.
  • Future stripper name:  Dizzy
  • One word for her future – Macramé
  • Most likely to spend her weekends attending scrapbooking seminars.
  • Will own an alpaca farm because it is trendy.
  • Thinks the TV show Moonshiners is career instruction video.
  • Is working on a new strain of pot (FFA Award winner)
  • Will spend the majority of her life looking for “that special guy.”
  • Voted most likely will be that annoying parent on a field trip who talks too much.
  • Sexts himself just because he’s lonely.
  • Will build a highly successful career off the hard work, sweat, toil and suffering of others.
  • Secretly records videos of his neighbors and posts on the web.
  • Is still wearing the same shirt and pants as the first day of high school.
  • Supports non-medical marijuana use, daily, no, hourly.
  • Misuses the word “Brother.”
  • Will one day own four cars, none running, in his front yard.
  • Voted most likely to spend her day surfing WebMD for medical conditions she does not have.
  • Future self-filmed porn star.
  • Runner up for a starring role on Teen Mom.
  • Future stripper name:  Chugs-Alot
  • Future winner of the Uncle Rico look-alike contest.
  • Destined to invest heavily in lotto and casino futures.
  • Believes working at the movie theater is a stepping stone to starring with Ben Affleck.
  • Most expensive piece of clothing:  Tennis Shoes
  • Put the Douche in Douchebag
  • Finds Legos confusing.
  • Life Ambition:  Being a metal band’s roadie
  • Collects dryer lint as a hobby.
  • Voted most likely to own an illegal Rottweiler fighting arena
  • Abuses gerbils in his spare time.
  • Misuses the word “Dude.”
  • Would vote Cloe Kardashian as president.
  • Makes Kanya West seem subtle.
  • Set record number of days in Juvie during his senior year.
  • Least likely to master any form of birth control.
  • Believes she’s a future MILF
  • Poster Child for Mental Health Issues
  • There’s a lot of Fried Chicken, Pizza, Twinkies, and disappointment in her future.
  • Voted Most Likely to be a Celebrity Stalker.
  • Oddly Content
  • Picks and then sniffs his own toe jam
  • Should not work with or near electricity.
  • Reigning county champion in Halo
  • Will rock on even when they should have stopped years ago
  • Believes working at a movie theater is the same as being “in the movie industry.”
  • Is writing a book – that is 65,000 words in on continuous sentence.
  • Destined to annoy us for years in roles at the community theater.
  • Will become a big shot in something pointless.
  • Will sacrifice purchasing healthcare to finance his/her next tattoo.
  • Grows medical marijuana but has not been diagnosed with any illness other than “the munchies.”