I remember seeing some lists out there years ago, so I thought a fresh perspective might be in order. This applies to a wide range of role playing games (with an emphasis on fantasy games) and is provided solely to give you a chuckle. I didn’t cheat and look at the old lists out there, so any similarities are coincidental.
He’s got to be out of offensive spells at this point. Let’s rush him!
He’s probably only got a few more hit points.
No, I’m not familiar with a polymorph spell. What does it do to me?
They will never expect us to come at them from this angle.
We can survive in a vacuum long enough to pull it off.
They’ll never see us coming.
That dragon is bluffing.
Don’t worry – we’re well out of range of their (fireballs, catapults, arrows, trebuchet, ballista, machineguns, BattleMechs, lightning bolts, spears, lasers, missiles, etc.)
We have them right where we want them.
Ignore them, it’s a diversionary attack.
Gas? No problem – we’ll just hold our breath as we fight.
The only thing these guys understand is brute force.
If we run fast enough through the fire it should minimize the damage.
Let’s pile all of the ammo crates in one spot, real close to our position.
Liches are not nearly as tough as you might think.
If we rush them, they can’t possibly hit all of us.
I don’t know what this wand does, but we’re about to find out!
I thought you said it was just a bunch of farmers in this village?
Freeze. If we don’t make a sound or move, they’ll go right on by us.
We’ve got to win…we’re the good guys.
Don’t worry, it can’t get any worse than this.
What do you mean, “That’s no moon…?”
I’m only a little bit on fire…
Why yes, I give that lever a good hard yank.
(To the enemy) I dare you to use that wand again!
He’s not so tough now…wait…what do you mean he stands up and starts grinning?
We’ve taken out all of their heavy hitters.
He’s just a tiny dragon.
What do you mean it’s no longer in my backpack? Where did it go?
Those are just statues – not everything is a golem.
We’ll let them have the first shot, just to show them what badasses we are.
For the record, they started it…
I’m out of arrows…I didn’t know you were keeping track.
I moon them Braveheart-style.
I get a running start and jump the pit/gap/chasm.
I wonder what this rope is attached to? (Tug)
I spit in Zeus’ face to show him I’m not afraid.
We have them surrounded – so why are they laughing?
As long as they don’t have a magic user, we should be safe here.
It’s storming? I move under the tall tree for shelter.
You’ll never take us alive!
I bitch-slap the head of the Thieves Guild, just to get my point across.
We don’t have time to make the light speed calculations — punch it!
I wonder what that whooshing sound is?
I take off my armor to intimidate them and show them I am not afraid.
I kill our hostage – that should prove we were serious.
No, I didn’t take off my armor before I jumped in…why?
I never would have set it on fire if I’d known that was the only exit!
The dragon’s asleep? This is going to be a cake walk.
What do you mean ‘that’s the controls to the airlock?’
Owlbear? That sounds more cuddly than dangerous. How tough could that be?
I drink all of the unmarked potion – what happens?
It’s just fog guys.
Don’t waste your time burning those trolls – we need to see what is in their den.
What do you mean I don’t see the pin on the grenade?
I’m not going to waste time checking for traps.
We can relax, this room is secure.
(To the DM) Blah, blah, blah. Skip the flavor text and start rolling some dice. Daddy needs the EP’s…
I look that Medusa right in the eye and I tell her…
Who was watching the horses? Where is he? Where are they?
I thought you were keeping the map so we could find our way out!
No problem – I’m invisible.
It’s probably a bad time to remind you that I was against this idea.
That has to be an illusion.
(To the DM) No, I’m not familiar with Greek Fire. Why?
What do you mean he shrugs off my 18 points of damage and winks at me?
When you say the cave floor is moist and squishy, what exactly do you mean?
The only way I can miss is if I roll a one.
Watch out for that crossfire!
They’re not fooling me with that diversion. We stand our ground here.
Guys, this probably is a good time to point out that we apparently are standing on a pentagram.
Kevlar stops everything – right?
For this plan to work, I need a volunteer to act as bait…
(To the DM) Did you say thirty orcs? I thought you said thirteen.
Where’s that guy we just killed?
I smash the dragon’s eggs. How does that leather-winged bitch react to that?
I make a run between the giant’s legs.
When you say I detect a trap everywhere…what do you mean by ‘everywhere?’
What kind of a sick bastard fills a pit with acid?
Why are you handing me a blank character sheet? You haven’t even rolled for the damage yet.
Of course I’m reading the scroll out loud.
What do you mean my sword is missing?
Split up – they can’t possibly follow all of us.
I swear to God I didn’t know those things could fly like that.
I just start randomly pushing buttons – does anything happen?
Why do you want to know if I have swimming as a skill?
Liche? No problem, I can turn the undead.
Quick mix all of the potions together and drink them. It’s do or die time!
Did their captain just yell, “Leave no one alive?”
I’ve got a 17 charisma, so I naturally put the moves on the princess…
I saw this once in a Roadrunner cartoon…we can do this…
There’s five of us and one of him…this should be easy.
How was I supposed to know she was married/intended as a virgin sacrifice/possessed by a demon?
I wonder why they are all chanting?
We run across the rope suspension bridge to get away.
Don’t worry, we’re safe here in this keep.
We can do this, I saw this scene in (Insert movie or TV show)
We torch the forest/town/tavern/castle – that should get their attention.
I climb into the catapult and give the signal…
What do you mean fireball’s expand?
This is usually the part where they break and run…but this time they’re not. Hmm…
You’re darned right I refuse to bow down to the king. I didn’t get to fifth level by being a wuss.
If we don’t move, they’ll never spot us.
I’m hearing his voice inside my head? That can’t be good.
Yes I AM trying to jump wearing full armor. Why are you looking so puzzled?
I don’t know if the spell needs components. Is that important?
(After ten minutes to hacking through the door) Do we surprise them?
What do you mean I am out of ammunition?
I quickly dive out of the window…wait…what floor were we on again?
I told you that it was a waste of money to pay for maintenance on the ship.
I run across the flowing lava really fast so I don’t sink in.
Why yes, I am holding the torch while I prepare the oil flasks to throw them. Why?
I start the auto-destruct sequence to bluff him into standing down.
What do you mean you need a shit-load of D20’s for the damage?
I’m low on hit points, I’ll take the rear guard. There’s no way they will hit us from there.
We’ll be safe in that cave/up those trees/in that house/etc…
Of course we have a campfire going, why?
Don’t worry, if these guys were any good they wouldn’t be city guards.
It’s just a ballista…it’s probably like being hit with an arrow.
(To the DM) Why are you checking the starvation tables?
Yes, of course we are still tied to each other in case one of us falls off the cliff…why do you ask?
I don’t have to take that kind of backtalk from a wizard.
I yell to the angry mob and tell them to bite me.
You didn’t just kill the pilot did you?
It’s almost as if they are acting as bait for us.
(About the DM) When I said, “what else could he throw at us,” I didn’t mean it as some sort of challenge.
That bright light in the sky is getting bigger and brighter? Hmm…
Slow down, what plane of Hell did we open a portal to again?
The vampire turns into a cloud of mist…so we won, right?
I told you it would be easy…look, they’re running away.
How many spears are incoming?
The crew abandoned ship? How hard could it be to sail a vessel in a storm?
He’s just a little Beholder.
I cross the rope tightrope-style.
How many vampires coffins are in the room with us?
Everybody try and hide!
The only way to get his respect is to insult his wife.
Sure, I agree to a battle of wits with him.
Which colored flare do I use to call off the in-bound air strike?
We leap off the cliff and aim for the lake. Wait…how deep is that water?
We’re safe. You’d have to be a ninja or a monk to climb those walls to get to us.
I’m telling you, that dragon has breathed its last blast of fire.
I’m calling in an artillery strike – danger-close!
Wait…how many giants did you say were running at us?
It’s just an earthquake.
Damn right I’m going to mock that stupid bard.
This is a hell of a time to be getting a physics lesson.
That’s not how you desecrate a temple — THIS is how you desecrate temple…
I think we lost them.
(To the DM) What do you mean there’s no point in me rolling for initiative?
Screw the druid…torch the forest.
I stick my head above the battlement walls to see if they are still there.
I discrete their temple…that should get their attention.
They’ve walked right into our trap.
I’m sure we’re out of the blast radius.
Did he really just yell, “Release the Kraken!”?
I’m counting on it swallowing me whole so I can gut it from the inside…
I know I’m blinded – I’m casting the spell in the direction of his voice.
Everybody spread out, it will force them to divide their fire.
Yes I did just refer to the Drow queen as a ‘Hot Black Chick’…why?
So shaman can cast spells?
Stop wasting time in looking up its stats and let’s just get on killing this thing.
Why is that goblin hoard laughing at us?
I’ve worded this wish so well there’s no way the DM can screw with us…
So that’s why they call it the Prison of Souls…
I’m pretty sure we aren’t all in its cone of fire.
I’m taking it off, armor just slows me down.
(To the DM) When you say ‘tornado,’ what exactly do you mean?
(After five days of desert travel) Look, and oasis….we’re gonna make it!
Who cares what the impact is – I’m changing alignment right here and right now.
Give me a hand prying open that coffin.
Mindflayers sure don’t look very tough.
We will never surrender! You’ll have to kill us first.
What do you mean there’s a duration on that spell?
No one brought flint and steel?
Which walls are moving?
I really wish I’d bought a copy of the Monster Manual.
(To the DM) Of course I’ve seen the movie Alien. Why do you ask…ut oh…
Alright, I sit down to barter with that Devil.
Before you throw the switch, what is the percentage chance that the noose/rope will break?
I don’t care what’s carved on the floor, everybody into the room.
What do you mean he’s kicking that grenade back at me?
Yes I’m putting the moves on the barkeep’s daughter.
Then I say, “Are all the city guards as stupid or ugly as you?”
I can’t believe that none of us bought rope.
I can’t parry a lightning bolt? Are you sure?
It’s never too late to beg for forgiveness.
(To the DM) There’s a chart for explosive decompression? Why are you asking for it?
Dive into the sewer, we’ll be safe there.
These guys only respect you when you respond forcefully.
How close is that star?
Why are our scouts running back towards us?
When you said the Thieves Guild was coming after us, I didn’t think you meant the whole guild.
When you said the ship lost power, you didn’t mean the whole ship, did you?
When you say the room is getting hot – how hot is that?
This isn’t the time to get all Paladinny on me – kill her.
Why do you want to borrow my copy of the Dungeon’s Master’s Guide?
If Butch and Sundance can make it – I’m sure we can.
Was that a “morpal” blade he’s swinging at me? Oh crap…
They’ve stopped chasing us, we’re in the clear.
What do you mean I didn’t damage him with a roll of a 20?
When you say “transporter malfunction,” what exactly do you mean?
I’m beginning to think someone switched that road sign back there…
I have not begun to die!
Our line of retreat is blocked by what?
I ignore the radiation warning alarm and enter the room.
So that’s why they call them blink dogs…
Don’t listen to him, he’s just a bard.
I’m sure the “Rapids of Death” is just a name the locals use to scare travelers.
The joke’s on him – I cast featherfall. No, it’s not slotted, why is that important?
That’s got to be the last charge on his wand/staff…
A demon – no problem – magic missile.
Who cares if they have the high ground?
These guys aren’t beating us – they’re tenderizing us.
Everybody into the portable hole!
I switch to my old trusty bronze sword.
I break the wizards staff over my knee.
I don’t need a physics lesson – just tell me how much damage do I take after a 300 foot fall into the river?
What do you mean I hear the sound of wheels? They can’t have any siege equipment…
Don’t worry about him…he’s dead.
Why are you rolling that many dice for initiative?
(To the DM) I call foul. That’s not in the Monster Manual.
They’re immune to fire? Are you sure?
Bob – why are your eyes glowing? Bob??
Wow…that was easier than I thought it would be.
Why is our scout running back to us so fast?
Set the self-destruct for a twenty-second count down. That should be plenty of time.
I have a two for driving skill – why?
Hey guys, I think we’re standing in some sort of oil.
Yes I do remember being bit by that wolf…why bring it up now?
The ring can only be used once a day?
We can make it – I saw this on Survivor once.
On the count of three…one…two…
Finally, a safe place to camp.
That noise in the bush is probably just another rabbit.
I can’t be dehydrated…my character has been drinking regularly from his wineskin.
No my sword isn’t magical or silvered — is that important?
Death Stare – that’s a real thing?
Weapons lock? Who’s locking onto–
What do you mean they can see in the dark?
I’m not wasting power on the cloaking device.
When you say giant snake – how big is giant?
I don’t care if he is standing in the same pool as the rest of our party – I fire lightning bolt!
Fine, leave us! We don’t need your cleric anyway.
He gets how many attacks per round?
Who drank the last of the healing potion?
I taunt them, their mothers, and their sisters.
Is that incoming artillery barrage ours or the enemies?
Don’t bother me with the details.
Hey, why are our hirelings running?
You guys will back me up…right?
That abandoned mine should give us cover.
None of our spells or magic weapons work? That’s impossible.
Who cares what my character smells? Tell me something important.
Does anybody have any silver weapons?
Summoning that fire elemental may have made things worse.
The joke’s on you…I took my armor off to fight this rust monster!
Everyone run through the portal!
My ribs are now poking through my back? That doesn’t sound good.
So he pulled the battle axe out of his chest and licked the blood off of it? That can’t be a good sign.
What do you mean, I don’t detect that statue moving?
I’m tying the bag of gold onto my belt so I don’t lose them while swimming the river.
Boy, you kill one High Priest and the whole temple takes it the wrong way.
We’ve been fighting for an hour. Maybe I can convince them to negotiate now.
I stand before the charging cavalry like Jon Snow and draw my sword.
If the dwarf thief says he’s disarmed all of the traps, then he’s disarmed all the traps.
Yes I’m concerned, that giant just sprinkled me with seasoning salt!
I’m not pulling the ripcord until the last possible second.
Quick, dive into this old lava vent!
It’s just a tiny hole (in a spacesuit, in a vacuum).
Did he just say he was calculating the in-flight velocity and splash radius of a fully armored dwarf?
They get how many attacks per turn?
Wait – did he just say that the mountain moved?
There was only one hag here a minute ago.
The joke’s on them. It’s going to take a lot more than that to knock down that castle wall.
Sure it’s a 200 foot plummet but I’ll survive – I’m wearing armor.
I don’t have time to confirm the coordinates of that air strike.
You suck as a dungeon master…