I hate fluff articles with similar titles that give you worthless tips for interviews like, “Tell me why you like working here”?” Bah! No one cares because the answer to that question ls likely to be pure BS anyway.
At the risk of being blunt, there’s some things you need to get out of an interview, but usually don’t ask because they can seem edgy. Still, getting this information is important. How you get it in your line of questioning, that I leave to you. Also you need to focus on the 2-3 questions that are most important to you personally.
What’s next in this process, and when? Usually an interviewer will inform you of this as their way of saying, “we’re done with this interview.” If they don’t, you need to know what the next steps are and what the timing is for those steps. Timing can be important, because it tells you how important this role is. If they want to fill it fast, it is more likely mission critical.
Who’s the decision maker? Organizations often have rounds of interviews, one with a recruiter, one with the hiring manager, sometimes a technical interview, sometimes team interviews, and so on. Their belief is this ensures they get the best candidate; when in reality it spreads out the blame for hiring bad candidates to a larger group of people. As such, it can get confusing as to who is the individual that actually is making the judgement call as to your joining the company. If you don’t know this, ask!
Why didn’t this position get filled from within? This tells you how important promotion from within is, if they provide training, etc. I asked this recently and got, “Oh, we have several in-house candidates that we like, but we always like looking in the external market.” In other words, they may just be wasting your time because of a stupid policy. Probing at this can tell you a great deal about how the organization views their people.
What would be my career progression if I were offered this job? In other words, how long until I can promoted and to what role or position? Will I have freedom to change career directions, or is this seen as a niche role with little room for growth? What I always want to know with this question is, “How much flexibility will I have with my career path?” What you want to find out is simple – is this a company that has an up-or-out approach to careers, or one that sees you as a long term asset they want to nurture and grow?
What does your company do to retain talent? Does this company even care enough to try and keep its best performers? The companies that really do care have program in place. This is also a good question to determine if the organization you are interviewing with is one that cherishes experience, or promotes more of an “up-and-out,” mentality towards its people.
Does your company have any outsourcing initiatives or efforts to move jobs overseas? I know of someone who hired into a job, only to find out that the seat was vacated because his predecessor had already been told the role was being moved to India. You need to know if you are entering an environment that is harvesting jobs for outside vendors or to send overseas. While this is not a deal-breaker on its own (the role you are interviewing for may not be impacted) it can tell you a great deal about the morale and focus of the staff.
What is your employee review process like? The response to this question tells you something about how the tentative organization evaluates its people’s performance. How you will be evaluated often drives the type of work you do. Best to learn that before you are offered the position.
How many hours are there in a typical work week in this position? Are you going to have time to have a life? Is this place a sweat shop? Chances are they will tell you, “it varies,” but you should probe a little further. “So what is the high end and the low end?”
What is your turnover rate in this role? You can give a recruiter an aneurism with this question, so I saved it for last. This is how many people leave this job. It tells you about the culture and the kind of longevity you can expect in this position. If people are staying for a long time (a low turnover rate) then it is probably a pretty good place to work.
Bear in mind, the recruiter or the hiring manager may lie through their teeth in response to these kinds of questions. If nothing else, it can give you something to bitch and whine about when you discover the truth, “When I interviewed they told me I could have a career here…those bastards…”
I have been told that some recruiters might react negatively to one or more of these questions. I try and not live my life around what upsets recruiters. Well, do you really want to work at a place that won’t share this information with you up-front? If nothing else, shame on you for not getting this information in your interview.
Thinking these things is okay. Putting them in writing…not so much. Enjoy!
Meet with me and prepare to be dazzled.
If you have read my resume’ to this point, clearly you recognize the talent I can bring to you and your team.
I am loyal to a fault. Please feel free to contact me at my current work email or phone number.
I am available for interviews after 10:30am.
While my availability could be interpreted as having been fired or laid off; I want to assure you, my departure was completely voluntary and even if it wasn’t, I was not the only one affected.
When I leave my current position I am sure productivity and morale will drop dramatically, but I am willing to take that risk to join your organization.
On Resume’: Career Goals – Work for a company not as screwed up as the one I currently work for.
I am willing to relocate, but only if you pay for it.
My current company promised rapid advancement, but never delivered, despite my protests on the subject.
I am in high demand so you may want to extend an offer based on my resume’ alone.
I feel bad about looking for a new role since the place will fall apart without my leadership.
My attorney and I look forward to your offer letter.
You may reach out to my current manager as a reference. She is the one that encouraged me to pursue other opportunities.
My reason for desiring a new position is that my current employer refuses to recognize the brilliance I bring to the table.
I am content in my current role, but they refuse to promote me, despite my acts of personal heroism in the office.
I don’t come cheap.
I take teamwork seriously, even after hours. I have played a pivotal role (cleric) in a Dungeons and Dragons party for the last six years of our current campaign. If that isn’t teamwork, I don’t know what is.
On Resume’: Accomplishments: Earned over 450,000 Marriott points in the last year alone.
My reason for leaving my current role is that my employer is asking me to work unreasonable hours, such as starting at 8am.
This is your lucky day because today you have discovered me!
While I may lack all of the skills and experience you are looking for, I make it up with a can-do attitude!
The following are sample comments from my last performance review…
I am not bragging, but I could probably do your job more effectively than you do.
I am pursuing other career options at the time because my current company undervalues my contributions and have restricted our expense policy.
You are so fortunate to be reading this resume’. I am sure you will be promoted based on the offer you are about to tender me!
I am pursuing a new company because I was not promoted when others, who were clearly inferior, were. (Note: If this was a good excuse I would be changing jobs annually.)
I am the kind of person that is always growing. Last year I took over 195 hours of learning alone!
According to Google, your company would be a perfect fit for my personality and work style.
The hours I work are not nearly as important as what I bring to the table…something my current employer simply doesn’t understand.
After reading my attached resume’, you will realize that I have made your decision to fill this role easy and quick. When should I start?
I am willing to travel as part of this position, but I won’t go to the following countries…
Once your meet me face-to-face, I’m sure you will wonder, “How did we get along before she got here?”
On Resume’: Career Goals: Work for an organization that compensates me for the brilliance I bring to the team, rather than silly things like profitability, billable hours, or delivering tangible work product.
I feel sad in looking for another job because my current employer is bound to go out of business without me.
I look forward to your call. I have several questions about your company’s mission statement.
If this position doesn’t pay at least (insert dollar amount) then you do not need to read further.
I assume your company is pet-friendly.
On Resume’: Career Goals – A salary consummate with the lifestyle I so richly deserve.
My involvement on a recent engagement persuaded the client to add three more staff to our team, just to assist on my deliverable! Imagine what I could do for your firm.
Because of the demand for me, I will need a written commitment in advance regarding promotion
Before we proceed with your inevitable offer, I need to know the details on your medical benefits.
I see my applying for this position as a chance for you to live up to your company’s value statement.
My division lost less money last year than the other divisions because of my leadership.
Please use this phone number, not the one on the resume’. That line has been disconnected.
On Resume’: Hobbies include political protests that are against key social issues, macramé, visiting serial killer murder locations.
I am moving on in my career because my mother feels my current employer undervalues my contributions.
The gaps in my resume’ are no reflection on my work performance, a lot of people were laid off during those periods.
My staff often referred to me as “The Head Honcho” which tells you how influential I am.
I am pursuing a position with your organization because my mentor suggested that I am a solid fit for your company.
One of my strengths is I won’t compromise my values, unless you pay me enough.
On a Resume’: Words used to describe me – “Dynamic, Innovative, Challenges Authority, and Undervalued by Leadership.”
Your days of searching for a perfect candidate are over!
Just to clarify, any images you find of my on the internet were NOT put there with my expressed permission. I am seeking legal action against those who posted those photos and please do not hold those images against me during the hiring process.
My mother asked me to ask you the following question…
On a Resume’: My low GPA reflects instructors that were sub-par and unreasonably early class start times.
If you don’t hire me, I encourage you to contribute to my favorite charity _______________.
You don’t want to look back five years from now and say to yourself, “I had a chance to hire that guy and didn’t.”
I don’t want to say I walk on water, but I can cross a lake without getting wet.
I am excited to see what your signing bonuses are and how they compare to the rest of the industry.
Because of legal reasons I cannot travel out of state or be available on weekends…but other than that, I’m your new go-to-guy.
While my title seems rather ordinary, I have been called, “the glue that holds this place together.” So consider that in your decision making.
If you were to Google me you would see the phrase, “Anti-Authoritative Risk Taker,” which just about sums up what I can bring to your company.
In search of perfection? I’d say you’d found it with this attached resume’.
I suggest you keep this introduction letter, because my autograph is bound to be worth a lot in years to come.
I am unavailable on weekends for work due to court-required community service.
I can save your company a lot of money in terms of recruitment – simply hire me right now based on the attached resume’!
Before we get too far, what is your company’s expense and travel spending limits?
Frankly I should be much further in my career, but my manager leaves a great deal to be desired.
It should be noted that several of my references are leaders in our industry.
My anger management instructor said I am the most improved in her class, which should count for something.
I am seeking a new career trajectory because I was falsely accused of telling the truth about the incompetence of my manager to her supervisor.
My ratings have been a three for the last few years, but in fairness, a three at our company is a five at other companies (per what we have been told by our leadership.) So I’m basically a five…
I feel it is time for a move, and your company was the least objectionable option.
Resume’ Personal Information: Weight, 197lbs, Height, 6 ft. Able to bench press 230lbs, highest ranking team member of the Red Cobras Squad on Call of Duty 4.
I am currently pursuing a degree, so I will need to know your tuition reimbursement plan in advance of accepting an offer with your company.
Think of it this way, you are hiring someone who is likely going to be your boss someday.
I hope you can be flexible with interviewing schedules, my father wants to take part in those discussions and he is quite busy.
I make no small qualms that I loathe PowerPoint almost as much as I hate attending mindless meetings. PowerPoint has reprogrammed generations of people in business to think in poorly written, vague bullet points. While some might argue that it makes us be concise, it reality it is a crutch for people that perform crappy presentations. Some teams actually use PowerPoint decks as reading material…I guess Word was too complex for them. Morons. PowerPoint is to documentation what an abacus is to a computer.
I had a manager once, (She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named) who was so obsessed over PowerPoint, she was concerned about people reading them. “What if this gets forwarded to the wrong person and they read it?” So we had to create slide decks for this harpy-from-hell that could be understood if you knew nothing about the subject of the deck. Seriously. It wasn’t as if we had plans for making an atomic bomb in your basement in the decks we produced. I have long suspected that she stupidly fretted over someone reading her material without her being in the room to bask in their praise over what she had produced.
I spend a lot of my corporate life in mind-numbing PowerPoint presentations under the guise of being productive meetings. The majority of PowerPoint decks are mediocre at best, and at worst, they blow chucks. I have actually started to shift to doing meetings without PowerPoint. What I have found is that people are so conditioned to seeing the tool in a meeting that it confuses them when you don’t put up slides. They get nervous and visibly uncomfortable – which I love. “Aren’t you going to put your slides up?” “Fu*k no.” People have actually frowned at me when I tell them that I don’t want to use slides to make my point. Presentation is an art form that has been corrupted by the evil programming elves at Microsoft. This PowerPoint/mind-control is so sinister it could be a plot in a James Bond film.
Having vested much of my day-job in meetings under the dull glow of PowerPoint, it is time for me to impart some knowledge. Let me share with you what people are likely to be thinking, but not saying, during your next sucky PowerPoint presentation:
Really? Forty-six slides to make your point? That many slides makes me wonder what you are really up to. What are you hiding? I’ll bet I can find it. Game on!
Clearly what you define as important has no bearing in reality, as evidenced by your presentation.
You can stop reading me your slides. If you were going to read them to me you should have just sent them to me in an email. This may shock you but I learned to read years ago.
You said, “I’ll keep this short…” and that was an hour ago. We all want to kill you and some are taking notes on how to do it.
We should make prisoners at GITMO sit through your presentation.
Pointing out that your slide is hard to read tells me you don’t care.
Based on your slides, you clearly worship Satan given that the devil is in the details — which is where you are taking us.
Your bullet points read like a drunken teenager’s text messages. You seem to be a vowel or two short here.
A six-point font? What is this, an eye exam? Can’t you see we are all squinting?
If you are going to use clip art, at least don’t use 1992 quality clip art.
No, your graphic does NOT make your point clearer. In fact, it achieves quite the opposite.
Making something bold and red insults me a little. I know what is important.
When I read that slide I keep asking myself, “What is he/she trying to say?” Even re-reading it leaves me confused. A bit of my soul is dying inside me as a result. I hate you.
I am not paying attention to what you are saying because your font choice is distracting me.
All of your arguments are invalid because of your spelling and grammatical mistakes on one slide.
Your use of graphics is making me cry on the inside.
Incorporating meaningless buzzwords and phrases does not help your presentation. You’re not fooling anyone.
This all sounds peachy-keen – what does it cost?
Don’t blame the projector for your failure to organize your thoughts.
If I had wanted to read a book, I would have brought my Kindle.
It is hard to believe that we paid you to produce such a hideous slide deck.
This presentation is so dull, I am imagining innovative and creative excuses to leave the room.
I have done the math. It is impossible to cover the number of slides you have left in the time we have allotted.
My four year old could have produced a better graph, and she’s limited to crayons.
Presentations like this is why I am on anti-depressants.
I wonder how much it cost us in your time and effort to put together this travesty of a slide deck?
Rarely has so much effort gone into presenting such a lie. You should be congratulated – or shot.
I am waiting for the right moment to destroy your entire premise so that the audience will see me as the genius I believe myself to be.
It’s probably a bad time to let you know your fly is open.
If your graphic can’t fit on a slide, it’s not worth us looking at.
I love your material but your abuse of transitions between slides qualifies as a war crime.
We’re about due for someone to raise a meaningless point or analogy in an attempt to ruin the hard work you put in on this presentation.
If they had told me in business school that I would be doing this for a living (watching your PowerPoint) I would have pursued a liberal arts degree instead.
We are all silently curious…are you going to make a point sometime in the next hour or so? Seriously, any point will do. Just pick one…please!
Oh, I see you Bob – checking your watch. We both want this to end. Who in the hell still owns a watch? More importantly, what time is it?
If I could take a nap right now, I would. The fact that I am not asleep is worthy of a spot-bonus.
There are at least three people watching this presentation that will tear it apart just to be assholes.
Your illegal and unethical use of several copywrittten images only makes us hate you a little bit more.
Oh joy, you’re using an acronym that no one in the room knows. You should know, it doesn’t make you any smarter.
Because you didn’t follow the company standard template for PowerPoint, I am ignoring everything you are presenting on.
It is only a matter of moments before someone questions the validity of your data.
My only concern with your presentation is that I wonder if I can muffle my fart – and if I do, can I muffle its smell?
Out of your 26 slides, there is only one that matters. Why didn’t we just start there?
Do you realize that you have the wrong audience in the room (on the call) for the material you are presenting? Do you care?
This presentation is all that is between me and a much-needed trip to the bathroom. Please hurry…
As I watch you flip through these slides I cannot help but think that we need to improve our recruitment and hiring standards.
I should have had a friend send me a text so I had an excuse to leave this meeting. Lesson learned…
This is an hour of my life I will never get back and will completely forget by the end of the day.
I can, and will, derail your entire presentation with a single question – just to prove I can.
My phone is vibrating in my pocket and that is much more exciting than this slide show.
It would be nice if you told us at some point what the purpose of this meeting is.
Please God, don’t let someone say that we need to have another meeting on this subject.
Nothing makes me more nauseous than someone saying, “I’ve run out of time, let me go through the last eight slides in two minutes.”
You didn’t build in time for questions? You really thought your material would answer every stupid thing we could come up with? Really?
Why are the boring presentations always scheduled for late in the day on a Friday? Why are you always the one presenting them?
The colors you have chosen are making my eyes bleed on the inside.
It’s bad enough your slides are dull, but your droning makes me want to start cutting myself again.
The person you rehearsed this with lied to you…it sucks.
I am smiling at you only because it makes you think I care.
An appendix to your horrible presentation? And it’s longer than the presentation? This just became a homework assignment you douchebag.
If you’re going to deflect questions to the end – you’d better leave time to answer them.
Stop saying things like, “As you clearly can see…” or “This slide points out…” Let me be the judge of what your slides say or don’t say. Otherwise, why have me here in the first place?
Having our graphics team make a pretty graphic of your material is akin to polishing a turd.
I have learned over the years more about de-motivation than actual motivation. Usually I obtain this knowledge while fulfilling the role of “whipping boy” for less-than-able managers (not at my current employer of course!) What I have discovered is that when you look at what kills motivation you often can gain the important knowledge – what DOES help spur motivation. Bear in mind I’m work in Information Technology, so my perspective can be slightly skewed – sometimes more than others.
So, in an effort to expand our knowledge, here are my big de-motivators list – in no particular order:
Seemingly random decisions by leadership. The word “seemingly” is important here. It’s actually pretty rare when a leader makes a totally random decision. There’s almost always some reasoning behind it – some context for the decision. Often times though, I’ve found, that the decision is communicated and not the reasoning or context of why the decision was made. Without understanding “why” something is being done, the only conclusion I’m sometimes left with is that the decision was made by pulling it out of their collective asses.
Cutting back training. I worked in the auto industry – so I understand what tough economic times are. Yes, you do have to cut expenses from time to time – and training is the proverbial victim of this. Training is one area I am sensitive too. Training is a pact between the organization and the individual. Training individuals says, “We see you being around here for a while and want to optimize you.” When training is constricted to the point where it isn’t happening – the effects on many people is that they don’t believe that the organization cares about them as individuals.
Leap before you look leadership. “Any jackass can burn down a barn,” or so the old saying goes. Making a decision without all of the pertinent information can sap a team’s motivation. I have seen current management buzzwords about “fail forward,” where people are willing to make mistakes to learn from them. This kind of thinking creates the illusion of innovation, when in reality it is frustrating to the staff.
Analysis paralysis. The opposite of leap before you look – this de-motivator is a lack of decisions making. Sometimes the decisions are easy to make – but analysis paralysis is a major drain on the energy of an organization. The quest for absolute perfect knowledge and buy-in is often the same as not taking a stand at all. Managers who constantly look for more data are often fearful of making the right decision.
Promotions that seem…well, crazy. We’ve all been there when the promotion list comes out and we say, “What the hell?” When promotions are given out to, well, morons of individuals whose only competency is killing senior leadership’s butt…it can be highly demotivating.
No apparent roadmap of where we are going. I am most effective when I know what I am working towards. I don’t need all of the details, but I like knowing a little bit of the end-state vision. When I understand how my work gets us all further towards a goal – I get a sense of satisfaction. Pretty simple really. When I have no idea what the goal is I have no idea whether I am part of the problem or part of the solution. Managers who say it is not about the destination, but the journey, are just deflecting that they don’t know where they are going. Have you ever taken a family driving vacation, with the kids, in the summer, with no destination in mind? In fact, a lack of vision can lead people to not take any steps at all out of fear they might be doing the wrong thing.
The Teflon Factor with leaders. When presented with an issue or problem, a good leader will take an active role in resolving it. A de-motivating leader will look to his or her team and say, “You people all have a problem.” Accountability is a critical element of motivation of teams. People look to managers/leaders to be in the same boat they are. Managers that deflect issues down to their team erodes motivation of those teams.
Rewards and recognition applied unequally. A messed up rewards and recognition system has the exact opposite of its intended purpose.
Conflict avoidance. Some managers harbor the illusion that all conflict is bad. That’s not true at all. Conflict can often be protective. Yes, it’s uncomfortable, but sometimes it forces people to deal with organizational or people issues that have to be resolved for the team(s) to grow. Dodging conflict, ignoring conflict – these things drain organizational energy.
An attitude of, “You should be thankful you have a job…” That’s odd, I thought I had a career? When under pressure, some managers resort to the attitude of, “you’re lucky we keep you around.” First off, let me tell you if I feel lucky. Secondly, nine-times-out-of-ten when someone has told me I’m lucky I have a job – I feel quite the opposite.
Micromanagement. There are times we all need a little direction…well, all of you…frankly I’m good. Seriously though, some “leaders” think that leading means telling everyone how to do their job. Most employees don’t need that. They need a manager to run interference for them, remove obstacles, not tell them what color to make a Times Roman font in PowerPoint so that it stands out.
My purpose was not the come across negative…snarky, yes, negative, no. If you look at this list you can see some gems on what provide motivation – the exact opposite of these:
Provide teams with concrete decisions and why they were made.
Invest in your people (train them).
Make informed decisions.
Make timely decisions to respond to the business.
Lay out a convincing and compelling vision of where the organization is going
Leaders need to hold themselves accountable to their teams.
Apply rewards and recognition fairly and proportionally to the value of the work being rewarded.
Employ constructive conflict techniques to resolve issues.
Let employees tell you (and the rest of the organization) that they are glad to be part of the team.
Tell your people the results you want and let them amaze you as to how they do it.
Over the years I’ve read a lot of articles about why people leave companies. These often lack perspective. They don’t explain at all why people remain at companies – which is an equally important way to gauge how well a company attends to its people. You might think that the exact opposite of what forces employees to leave might be what compels others to stay. In some cases that is right, but in others, it isn’t.
The easy answer as to why people remain in a company is loyalty. Where does loyalty come from? Companies have been trying to crack that nut for some time. Most never will because why they bemoan that they want/expect loyalty; they are, at the same time, sending jobs overseas or simply laying people off. Welcome to the dichotomy of corporate culture!
Consider, if you will; having a jobis the same as a personal relationship. Over time, there is a give and take, a sense of trust, an understanding of each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Some people have put in so much time and effort in their careers they feel they owe their organization something back. That sense of obligation is loyalty – and it is often a powerful motivator for people to stay where they are at.
So where does loyalty come from. Here are my suggested reasons that most employees stay at their organizations and what are the root causes of an employees’ concept of loyalty:
They believe their work makes a difference. This is different than job satisfaction. This is knowing that their contribution to the organization has impact. It’s not about being happy with your work – It is about knowing you are moving the proverbial needle.
The rewards/recognition match the work contribution. People tend to remain with companies where they are recognized for the work they do in proportion to the value of that work. Recognition can come in a lot of different forms. Nothing demoralizes people more when the rewards go to the wrong people or are disproportional to the contribution. Sometimes the rewards are a good salary, one that might make it difficult for you to consider moving to a new organization.
They have friends at work. The truth be told, if you have good dependable work friends, you are less likely to leave. As much as I bitch about work, I have the distinction of working with some of the best people in the industry and that makes it far more tolerable.
They are comfortable with the work they do. In this scenario, you know your job well and do it well. Starting somewhere else will potentially change that.
Employees are recognized as experts in their field. Being at the top of your game in one organization does not necessarily transfer to another company should you move. To your new colleagues, you are “the new person,” and you have to expend considerable time and effort to reestablish yourself. It can be a daunting task that forces you to the easy choice – remain where you are.
Their manager doesn’t suck. One of the top reasons people leave organizations is their manager is a dick/dickette. You don’t need a stellar manager, just one that isn’t a micromanaging asshat. There are those rare instances though where you get a manager who is solid, good, understands what motivates you and does those things, etc. Going to another organization and you may be spinning the managerial roulette wheel and risking getting a complete and utter moron.
They can’t leave because of age, benefits, or life situation. Anyone that believes there is no age discrimination in business is delusional. Once you cross the threshold of 50 years of age, you are caught in a vice. On one side, is the fact that companies won’t hire you because of your age. On the other side is the concern that you might impact your pension, or change benefits that would be negative to your lifestyle. What if you have workplace flexibility and can work for home X number of days a week? Perhaps your new employer won’t support that – which necessitates a lifestyle change. Employees are pinched to the point where you resist thoughts of changing jobs as a result of these factors.
They believe the organization does what it says it does. Companies claim they act and behave one way and often do quite the opposite. That division between the public view and reality is often a contributing factor for employees the leave. Counter to that, if your organization behaves in a manner consistent with what it says it is in business for, you tend to want to continue to be a part of that company.
Fear of not fitting in at a new company. I liken this to “the devil you know vs. the one you don’t.” I saw a job posting on Linkedin the other day and it immediately told me I would not fit in at their organization. The images the company had on their ad and web site showed only people in their mid-20’s, dressed very casual, and a wide diversity – to the point where an older white male would significantly stand out in their company. If those images realistically represented that company, I would never apply there because I know I won’t fit in. That sentiment is not that rare with people. Every organization is like a country – it has its own culture, traditions, language, etc. The fear of not being able to adapt to these is often enough to compel an employee to stay.
They harbor the illusion of advancement. The classic carrot that management dangles before us at one point or another, “We are looking at you in terms of a possible promotion.” This ever-elusive enticement is often just enough to compel people to remain in their job. “If I can put in one more year, maybe this year I will get that job.”
Immunity to the hypocrisy/chaos. There is a lot of bullshit that goes on in offices – reorgs, layoffs, outsourcing, etc. If you get caught up in that chaos, it helps motivate you to look for employment elsewhere. Likewise if you can tune out all of these threatening distractions and focus on what you love about your job, you are often more willing to remain.
Management leaves them alone. Sometimes flying under the radar makes your life easier. If you are not motivated by advancement, just keeping your head down is an option. Other times management just does the right thing, and lets people do their jobs with minimal interference. This behavior can foster a sense of loyalty. For many people, the fact that their management is not interfering permits them a chance to shine.
I find the entire concept of mission statements to be one of those wonderful and pointless expenditures of time that organizations yearn to waste. Anything written by more than two people is often so generic, so nebulous, so vague – that it means nothing. Many have the same basic terms – “innovation,” “quality,” “customer,” “value,” which makes them essentially meaningless. Some organizations strive to cram so much crap into their mission statement that it comes across like the ramblings of that guy who is panhandling at the Metro stop. Mission statements are the definition of corporate white noise.
In my career I have never met anyone that was “inspired” by a mission statement. If mission statements didn’t exist at all, nothing would change. At best, they serve as a signposts for the employees to mock every time the organization violates them. At worst they are rambling paragraphs of gibberish created by a managerial committee. Yet despite this, most departments and organizations as a whole spend considerable time crafting these garbled and confusing sentences that would cause your high school English teacher to suffer a mild stroke.
As a sidebar, those mission statements that capitalize certain words are written by a particular inbred, so-called leaders that lack two functioning brain cells.
So, I took it upon myself to craft a few of my own, aimed at being funny. These are not tied to any organization, fictional or real, and any similarities with real companies are coincidental (and funny). Some are for companies – while others can be applied to departments. Share and enjoy.
Our team’s function is to make ourselves look important by slowing down the work you do in a demonstration of the pseudo-authority we possess.
We are an assembly of random teams and staff with nothing in common who exist but whose value is not fully understood or appreciated – even by our own leadership.
Our mission is to make everyone else look bad by pointing out their mistakes and flaws so that we look better.
Our team exists to do all of the shit-work that no one else is willing to do.
The primary focus of our team is to get our leader promoted to another position of quasi-importance so that we hopefully will get someone sane to take his/her place.
The mission of our team is to be an example that you should NOT emulate.
Our team’s primary function is to produce PowerPoint slides that numb the senses and dull human thought, yet are strikingly beautiful.
Our shit doesn’t stink. Chances are yours does. We intend to make money off of that.
Our DNA is coded so that the customer comes first, well, right after all of our petty internal stuff. Trust me, the customer is right up there in the top five…maybe ten, things we are focused on.
Our mission statement is to make sure leadership believes we are valuable, indispensable, unable to be outsourced, and critical to the survival of the organization. We are none of these things, but we are relying on leadership incompetence to fill that void.
We put our customers first, unless of course they have their heads up their asses – in which case we will look for an appropriate scapegoat to blame.
Our organization believes that a fool and their money are soon parted.
Our mission is to be an industry leader so we can spend our time and effort fending off and overreacting to our competition who is squarely set on taking us down.
We innovate, collaborate, create, vacillate, procrastinate, pontificate, deliberate, guesstimate, and under-deliver daily to our clientele.
We put the “W” in Qwality.
We recognize that our people are the core of what we do and how we interact with customers – so we aim to make them as miserable as humanly possible.
Our mission is to provide you with technological solutions created in a foreign country by people who have no idea what you need, delivered on obsolete platforms with marginal support. Note: This replaces our former mission statement, ‘Leader in rebooting the world’s hard drives.”
If you want it fast and high quality, you clearly aren’t dealing with us.
(From a HR department) We are all about talent, and ensuring that the talent does not have a case that will stand up in court or arbitration.
Usability and the end-user experience is what we say it is.
We recruit the very best people in the world to service our clients…and crush their souls.
Our mission is to be paid on time or sooner if possible.
(From an information security department). Our mission is to remove the human factor from technology, and the technology from the humans. It’s the only way to be really secure.
We suck less than our competitors and much less than our market peers/colleagues.
Our mission is to not execute a major fu*k up that can be traced back to our team.
Our organization is dedicated to finding anyone in our target market who is a moron in a financial decision making capacity and exploiting their lack of intelligence.
It is the mission of our team to survive the chaos, carnage, and catastrophic bad planning that is prevalent in our organization.
We believe that people are our most important asset…and that beating people makes them tougher and stronger. Crushing their souls makes them invincible.
We start with bad data and go downhill from there.
To inspire our junior staff to seek opportunities elsewhere.
We make our money the old fashioned way, leveraging the horrific mistakes and outright paranoia of our customers.
We strive to under-promise and over-deliver – which means you cannot trust any estimates we give you.
Our mission is to innovate by taking other people’s ideas and repackaging them as our own.
When you think about us, you should only think of the propaganda we have pushed into the market.
We believe in whatever social causes will help us generate new revenue.
Our goal is to be the name most recognized with the least screw-ups in our industry segment.
We are experts in claiming to be experts.
Our mission is to complete the mind-numbing tasks that no one else is willing to undertake under the guise of “consulting.”
To connect our customers to innovative thoughts that we have artfully lifted from our competition.
We exist to be underappreciated, misunderstood, devalued, and often abused. And we do it with a SMILE.
To empower people to connect to other more idiotic people and share their silly little ideas.
To share ideas without barriers…well, those ideas that legal has signed off on.
Our mission is to accelerate customers buying the stuff we sell.
To organize the world’s information and pimp it to you with a copious amount of advertisement.
Improving the lives of the people of the world by pushing products they don’t need or don’t work.
Creating perceived value from the insignificant for over 100 years.
If there is any fault in the services we provide, we will make it right or kill the scapegoat as an example to the others.
Our mission is to facilitate the transfer of money from your accounts to our back pockets with a minimal amount of resistance and the maximum amount of inspiration.
Attract and retain the best talent for our customers – until they make too much, then their jobs are off to India.
Provide the highest level of service for the least amount of effort.
We are a stiff and strict company with a casual dress code that assists in recruiting.
Our organization is dedicated to the proposition that our customers are less intelligent than we are.
Our operating principles are centered on the concept that employees should do what they are told and no one will get hurt.
Our mission is to open new markets that have not heard about our reputation for failure yet.
You will never pin it on us.
We are so greedy, we would sell meth if we thought we could get away with it.
Our mission is to create buzzwords and catch-phrases that sound important, then sell services aimed at correcting those same buzzwords in our client’s organizations.
If we could sell our employees’ souls we would do so for a solid revenue stream.
Our team’s mission is to have the most glamorous PowerPoint decks within the company.
We will pummel you about the head until you understand.
We tap the best minds in the business to attack your solutions…so if there’s a problem, we have someone else to blame.
Our goal is to change the world…into something that we can make more money on.
Our mission is to devise creative and complex solutions to make up for lack of leadership.
We take potentially dangerous chemicals and parts of animals, combine them in ungodly ways to sell them to consumers as food. (From the fast food industry).
Ignorance on the part of our customers and insatiable greed on our part make for a potent combination of products and services.
And the winner:
We are rigidly focused on the following EIGHT ideals:
We will DOMINATE the market with repackaged ideas and concepts.
We CARE about the planet and recycling in all of the literature we print.
We SPONSOR things to make us seem like good people.
We believe in DIVERSITY so long as it does not upset our current management structure.
We put our CUSTOMER’S FIRST; at least that what we tell them.
We bring the highest QUALITY products and services to the market and support them with third world class service.
We believe PEOPLE ARE OUR GREATEST ASSET and also our biggest liability, hence the way we treat them.
You can always check out my book – Business Rules for more snarky office humor.
Linkedin is constantly sending me jobs that they believe I am interested in or qualified for. I look because, well, everyone should always be looking. At the same time I cannot help but wonder, does Linkedin know something that I don’t? The paranoia is very real.
As I read many of these, you see patterns – certain phrases that turn up over and over. As a veteran of the Cubicle Wars, I also know pure bullshit when I see it in a job description. So the following is snippets from actual Linkedin job descriptions and my own snarky/funny/grim interpretations of those. Enjoy!
“Some travel is to be expected.” A LOT of inconvenient travel is expected. We are going to send you to luxurious locales such as Newark, New Jersey to do your job. PS. We will force you to take these trips with no notice. You didn’t really want a life outside of work did you?
“Must be a proficient multi-tasker.” We are going to bury your ass in pointless work and unreasonable deadlines. Then we will complain when you don’t get 46 hours of work done in 8 hours’ time.
“Candidate must be a self-starter. ” We have no functional leadership. Zip, zero, nada. We are going to give you no direction whatsoever. We’re counting on you to know what needs to be done (until it comes time to critique it.)
“Must be deadline driven.” We expect you to work 24 x 7. Don’t plan on any days off.
“You will be expected to partner with our people.” We will provide you with an out of date org chart and you must then fend for yourself.
“Looking for an aggressive go-getter.” 1. A certain amount of douchbaggery is acceptable in our culture and expected with this position. 2. We expect you to crush as lot of careers and dash a lot of hopes in accepting this position.
“Candidate must have a great deal of flexibility.” We will be giving you conflicting orders, deadlines, and priorities. Moreover you are not allowed to complain about it. Good luck!
“You must have experience working in a matrixed organization.” You will have multiple managers with conflicting objectives, expectations, and timelines.
“Creative work environment.” We make stuff up as we go.
“You must have an established track record in (fill in the blank).” We anticipate you racked up a body count at your current employer while meeting your goals and expect more of the same.
“Must have in-depth industry knowledge.” The ability to bullshit and drop industry buzzwords and acronyms will serve as a substitute for actual expertise in this job.
“Applicant must be self-directed.” 1. No one is going to give you direction, guidance, assistance, or help as you are thrown to the wolves. 2. We have no time for your petty little questions. 3. Our “leaders” couldn’t organize a good bowel movement.
“Experience in a collaborative environment a must.” Everyone here will want to weigh in and criticize your work. “Do you really think an Ariel 14 point font is the best to convey your message?”
“Seeking an eager candidate.” We are looking to hire someone in their 20’s. Older applicants will be completely ignored.
“Demonstrable ability to resolve complex system or business issues…” You won’t believe how screwed up we are. Don’t get me started on how bad our clients are either! That’s okay, we expect you to come in and fix years’ worth of fu*k ups. No pressure eh?
“Must be comfortable with public speaking and facilitating group discussions with senior executives.” We want you to go and meet with our leaders and explain to them what business we are in, who are customers are, and why their ideas are wrong. Good luck with that.
“Ability to work in a dynamic environment a plus.” We are in a constant state of reorganization. You’ve been warned. PS. That person that is hiring you is on the chopping block but doesn’t know it yet.
“Candidate must be comfortable with public speaking to senior leaders.” You will be preparing a lot of PowerPoint slides and reading them to people who are far too busy to take the time to read them on their own.”
“Ability to handle multiple priorities.” We are going to dump a shitload of work on you – all due on the same day.
“Experience working with global teams.” You will be expected to take phone calls at 4am and 11pm with people you cannot understand.
“Applying research and analytical skills to support thought leadership…” You are allowed to use Google and Wikipedia to look up buzzwords we don’t fully understand.
“Candidate must have public sector experience.” You will be working for a beltway bandit as a pitiless contractor in the Federal Government…may God have mercy on your soul.
“Experience working with human capital…” You will be expected to work with actual people face-to-face rather than work remotely from home.
“Structuring approaches to solving discrete problems…” We are hiring someone to fix our existing and future fu*k-ups.
“Use effective communication expertise to solicit feedback…” You are to be the customer’s whipping boy (or gal) for every mistake that was made by our company.
“Ability to train and coach diverse teams in relation to governance, processes and best practice.” You will be inheriting a team of broken souls and crushed dreams and are expected to fix them, despite the abuse that has been inflicted on them by your predecessor.
“Proven experience identifying and analyzing problems with the ability to make recommendations for solving these challenges.” We don’t want to hear about your little problems; just fix it.
“You will be working in a challenging, complex and highly demanding environment.” You will be experiencing chaos and mayhem starting on day one and it will not get any better.
“Enthusiastic individual sought…” We expect you to be happy no matter how bad the abuse is.
“Develop and review complex spreadsheets to analyze data and develop specific recommendations.” Maybe you can make some sense out of this data…we sure can’t.
“Coordinate with other organizations/teams to accomplish goals.” Your success is dependent on your peers, which means you are screwed.
“Research, develop, and execute industry business plans…” This is our way of saying, “We have no idea what we are in business for or how to deliver to our customers. We’re counting on you figuring that out for us.”
“The ability to communicate respectfully and with tact.” No yelling in the office. That’s what got the last person that held this job fired. We’re still paying on that lawsuit.
“Executive presentation skills a must.” You will be using PowerPoint a lot. A LOT. Since your audience is executive-level, much of your work will be taking complex things and turning them into confusing graphics that look well-thought out.
“Become a thought leader in __________” We are counting on you figuring out what we are hiring you to do.
“…forward thinking…” We need at least one person in our organization that knows which way is up and you could be him/her!
“Assist proposal managers and capture managers in developing/maintaining and communicating storylines, schedules, plans, outlines, assignments, baselines, and storyboards to the team.” YOU will be doing all of the work while the proposal and capture managers criticize it and claim credit for your efforts.
“Must have deep analytical skills.” We have a lot of data but have no idea what it all means. You will be expected to tell us what it means, so we can then question the data’s validity.
“Experience in working in, or leading, dynamic global teams.” To make your position more challenging, all of the people you must work with are scattered across the planet. Don’t plan on getting any sleep once you hire on.
“Candidate must possess exceptional written communications skills.” As your manager, I see myself as a much better writer than you will ever be. No matter how perfect your work, I intend to slow it down with an endless series of markups and revisions that will slowly drive you insane. Welcome aboard!
“Must possess certification in/by ____________” We don’t care if you can do it, we just want to know that your former employer spent the time and money to send you to training to learn how to do it.
“Other duties as assigned.” We are SO going to bury your ass in work. You won’t be seeing daylight for months.
“Translate and synthesize information from SMEs into a message that targeted audiences can understand, while maintaining the technical accuracy and completeness of the intended response.” You will be forced to meet with highly technical people who cannot communicate, so that you can suck out of them their knowledge and turn it into something that is understandable. All the while the highly technical people will criticize what you do, as will those that receive your work product.
“Ability to perform with grace and efficiency under pressure.” Don’t you dare bitch about the crappy way we are going to treat you or I swear we will make your life a living hell for punishment.
“A wide degree of creativity and latitude is expected in performing analytics duties…” You will be expected to make shit up on the fly.
“Experience in process improvement.” We are so messed up that we need a fresh set of eyes to tell us what to fix. Of course we will be ignoring your input, but we still expect it.”
“Participate in business development efforts…” You will be expected to take orders from the sales and marketing teams and support any of their lies or deceptions to the customer, regardless of how ridiculous they may be.
“Take charge of company performance…” We need a fall guy for our horrible sales numbers – and you’re applying to be that guy!
“Enhance our Business Development Lifecycle…” You are going to be in sales.
“Define and visualize business strategy.” You will need to figure out what we should be doing, then put it on a single PowerPoint slide.
“Re-engineer processes to improve delivery.” Your role will be to unfu*k all of the stuff your predecessor screwed up.
“Must possess a strong sense of urgency about solving problems.” When things go wrong, and they will, we will be yelling at you to fix them.