If it were reported today…Lexington and Concord

Red (Coat) Lives Matter…

Today makes “The shot heard ‘round the world’ – the battle of the American colonists against the British at Lexington Green and Concord.  It is seen as the ignition point of the war between the colonists and Great Britain.  It is an iconic event in US history, including the rides of Paul Revere and Samuel Prescott to alert the colonists.

Image, if you would, if it were covered by today’s media.  I took a stab at it, just for grins – and to make you consider some of the messages that we are exposed to. This isn’t a grandiose political statement on my part. It is merely aimed at making you think about how words are used (or misused) to package a story.

“Several Dead in Terror Attack Outside of Boston.  

“An alt-right militia group attacked local law enforcement officials who were sent to disarm them in Lexington, outside of Boston.  This mostly white/male group of extremists possessed a stockpile of military-grade assault weapons and ammunition that was deemed dangerous to maintaining the peace.  Further they may have had links to other terror activities and attacks in the area.  As such law enforcement moved in to confiscate these ‘weapons of war’ to ensure that no innocent citizens were placed at further risk.  These domestic terrorists ambushed law enforcement, killing one, while losing four of their number before the terrorists fell back to Concord.

The brave men in law enforcement withdrew to Boston. Lieutenant Colonel Francis Smith, the leader of the operation, was unavailable for comment at this time.

“These extremists were aided by use of a covert ‘social network’ of riders who fed these terrorists information on the police movements but allowed them time to prepare their ambush.  Evidence points to them using a series of lantern signals to spread their message of insurrection.  It is believed that the members of this network may have been assisted by extremists close to law enforcement, but that has not been confirmed.

“These rogue, right-wing militia groups such as these have been responsible for numerous acts of lawlessness in the region.  As you may recall, just a few months ago, a group of these insurrectionists illegally boarded a vessel and threw their cargo of tea into the harbor.  In a brazen act of cultural appropriation the disguised themselves as native Americans, adding hate crimes to the long list of charges leveled against them.  It is clear that such groups are a destabilizing threat and may be part of a larger insurrection seeking to overthrow the legal and legitimate government which has brought nothing but prosperity to our shores. 

“If you have information on these insurrectionists, please contact the authorities in Boston.”   

Funny Fantasy RPG T-Shirt Sayings

First off, I copyright all of these slogans since I made them up on the fly and at least a few are funny.  Second, I started to realize with the lack of gaming conventions this last year that we could all use a little chuckle.  So as a bit of a creative writing exercise, I thought I would put together a list of sayings from fantasy RPG’s that could be on T-Shirts.  Enjoy!

Paladin in the streets, rouge in the sheets

Cleric – Everyone jokes about my god until they are bleeding out.

Thief – Let’s not get all nervous and start inventorying who has what in whose backpack…

12 days since our party set a town on fire.

In our defense, the locals were a bit uppity…

In my defense, I thought the room was bigger when I cast fireball.

I only have two words for you, “Rage-on!”

I cast Eldritch Blast.  Pew – pew – pew!

There are few things in the game that Magic Missile cannot resolve.

When I was a kid, we all had 10 foot poles and tapped the dungeon floors ahead of us.

DM:  “No, that baby Gorgon cannot be your familiar.” 

I open it. What are the odds of that chest being a mimic?  Wait, why is the DM rolling dice?

Eating hands since 1977

Those voices in your head…that’s me…the Warlock.

I was a murder hobo before we called it that. 

Sure I wear hemp robes, but can you turn into a grizzly bear? 

I kill everyone in the tavern.  Why?  It’s the only way to be sure.

I disbelieve everything!

You decapitated him.  Yes I did!  You’re lawful good.  His head was not!

Stand back guys, I’m about to woo this bar-wench with my charisma…

Time to worry…the DM is breaking out more dice.

Guys, charming the town guards is not the same as killing the town guards. 

Necromancy – If your party is killed you are just getting started.

I’m a Druid.  I was green before it was cool.

Spell components are for wimps!

Most obnoxious character:  Bard with bagpipes.

No, this won’t draw attention to the party…

I use my free action to crush these dice.

Keep your distance.  I’m Chaotic Neutral

Stop calling my Barbarian the party meat shield.

Aw shit, the DM is smiling!

It would have worked, if I hadn’t rolled a 1

My dice are not cursed – they just don’t perform well under pressure.

Listen closely to my Vicious Mockery!

Stand back, I’m about to critically fail!

Dude, you’re bleeding all over my new armor.

I don’t care about the rules, can I just kill something?

The best laid plans can’t beat a 1 on a D20

Yes, I did ask if cannibalism is allowed…

Stop being judgmental – it was just a little murder-hoboing. 

I don’t care what kind of skin the book is covered with, I open it!

Bard:  The mob is rushing us?  I have a song for that!

What is an encumbrance check and why are you asking me to do it on this bridge?

“I am a god!”  “No, you just rolled a 20.”

There’s a random spell effects table???

How edible is that goblin?

Monk:  Behold my fists of fury and my fingers of penetrating deep massage

What do you mean it’s immune to everything but silver?

Why would they name the tavern Slice and Dice?

What do you mean the Satyr is rubbing my shoulders seductively?

When you said the room was full of spiders, how full is full?  

I can totally seduce that lady with the snakes for hair…

Well, you can try…

There is nothing in the rules that says we can’t use the dwarf as a grappling hook.

Desecration is not a skill.

Yes, I drink the vial marked Ipecac Syrup.  What happens?  Do I feel anything?

You may feel a slight discomfort…

Wait, what pentagram on the floor are you talking about?

Maybe she’s levitating because she’s into me.

“What do you mean I can’t swim in plate armor?”  “The good news is the rest of the party can’t hear your screams as you sink.” 

The ogres are not amused with your banter.

Watch where you place that hunters mark. 

Rangers – It’s more than chasing bears with picnic baskets.

How many hit points on the little one?

What, exactly, is that voice in my head saying again?

When it matters, I go invisible.

The good news.  You’re unconscious.  The bad news, your burning flesh smells like bacon and is attracting more orcs. 

“Words can’t hurt.” Warlock: I cast Dissonant Whispers!

Wizard:  “I reach into my pouch and put on my ring of invisibility.”  Thief:  “Yeah, about that…” 

I’m not just a murder hobo, I am the KING of murder hobos!

Do I get experience points for making his body stop twitching?

Things You Should Never Say to a Writer

Just a few snarky insights. Sadly, I have heard almost all of these at one point or another.

Is your book available in a bookstore or on Amazon?  Duh – it’s a book. You do know that you can do a search in Amazon to find out, right?

Some of your character dialogue isn’t good English.  Have you ever listened to people talking in real life?

A charity I am supporting is doing a fundraiser.  It would be great if you would donate some autographed books so we can auction them off.  Sure, you work as an accountant – it would be great if you could do my taxes for free.

Your book is good except for ______  Bite me

I found eight grammatical errors in your book.  Gee, my editor with an actual Master’s degree in English feels differently. It’s ‘cute’ that you believe you are so good at English.

Your book was good except for the parts you got totally wrong.  Did your mother have any children that lived?

I liked it, but I wish it was longer.  Is that what you said, or your wife?  The story was as long as it needed to be, period. Last time I checked it had a beginning, a middle, and an end.   

I started reading it but got bored.  It’s hard for my work to compete with Pornhub.

Writing sure sounds like an easy gig.  I mean, you work a couple of hours a day, at home…  You do get that this is work, right? It must be nice to have a normal job where you don’t struggle with the voices of your characters in your head. 

I always wanted to write a book.  You say that now, wait until you start.  And no, I don’t want to hear your pitch.

It reminded me of a book that ______ wrote.  Thanks for accusing me of plagiarism.  Want to go for murder?

There are parts of the book you repeated.  Yes, I thought they were important and that most readers need to see something more than once to have it sink in.

It was clear to me that you are paid by the word.  I have a word for you…

The main character didn’t seem realistic to me.  You do get this is science fiction, right? And, if this is on of my non-fiction books – you do get that this is a real person, right?

The ending felt rushed. Did it sneak up on you?

You should have referenced _____ to make your book better.  This would have been useful information before I wrote the book.  Or; I read that reference and it was false – so I didn’t waste time with it, asshat.  

This is exactly the story idea I came up with.  Somehow, I doubt it.

You don’t look like a writer.  Good, I’m disguised as a serial killer and they look like everyone else.

I gave it three out of five stars on Amazon because I had a hard time downloading it to my Kindle.  True story.  What a jackass. 

You should have made this a trilogy.  If it helps, you can tear the book into three parts.

I have an idea for a book.  Let me tell it to you and you can pretty it up.  I don’t ‘pretty up’ anything.

All of the good stories have already been told.  A part of me just died inside. If you believe that, never read a book again. 

I hope it comes out as an audio book soon.  I have no idea if it will.  No one tells writers about this kind of stuff. Since I hate hearing my words read out loud, I want to assure you, I don’t care!    

I wish I had the time on my hands so that I could write.  I love how you are implying I have time on my hands.  Yeah, all you need is time.   

I only read books that are hard-copy.  1.  I don’t care.  2.  Most books are.  3.  I don’t care. 

I hear most writers are alcoholics.  I am considering taking it up after this conversation. 

I got your last book from the used book store!  Hey, thanks for telling me that you are reading my book and I’m not getting a penny of royalty from it nor am I recording sales of the book.  I hate you.  All authors hate you. 

I only got halfway through your book, the plot was a little slow.  Perhaps you should learn to read faster. Perhaps you had to constantly pause to look up words you didn’t understand. 

Your book was ‘okay.’  Are we talking about my book, or the last time you had sex?

I was going to buy your book, but I didn’t like the cover.  (Facepalm) 

I just don’t have time to read.  Perhaps I can do the next one in crayons for you. 

Are any of your books good?  Only if you have brain cells. Something tells me you won’t like mine.   

I wish you’d hurry up with your next book.  Aw gee, I was just goofing around.  I’ll get on that right now.

My high school English teacher taught me that writers are always supposed to ___________.  I appreciate you are holding me to a standard of a high school English teacher who likely has never written a book in her entire life and has no idea what a writer is supposed to do.  Wait.  No, I don’t appreciate it.   

How’s the new book coming along?  One fucking word at a time…

I don’t think I’ve heard of you. I KNOW I’ve never heard of you. That’s what separates us.

Your book cover was misleading.  Oddly enough, I didn’t paint the book cover. 

Your book title was misleading. Or you didn’t get it.

It was an okay-read.  Maybe you weren’t trying hard enough?  Were some of the words hard for you to understand? 

Your lead character didn’t seem realistic.  You do understand it was set in the 32nd century and he pilots a three story war robot?  I didn’t realize you were such an expert on life then.   

Your story conflicts with (another book).  You do realize I wrote that other book? 

It would have been better if you had included a (insert BattleMech name).  So you judge books based on the hardware I write about?  THIS is how you evaluate the story?  Please, don’t read my books. 

Retirement – Year One

A year ago last week, I retired from working in the world of the Corporate Overlords (early retirement – I’m only 57). My departure letter is still epic and makes me smile. Farewell Letter. I learned a lot about retirement and thought I’d share some tid bits for those of you that might be considering it. 

You need something to do.  Me; I am one of the owners of a small game company and a writer.  Retiring meant that I could focus on doing what I love, writing.  I am cranking the books out as a result and loving it. In many respects, I’m working longer hours now but I only answer to myself.  Our little company, Creative Juggernaut, launched a successful Kickstarter and delivered on it already. 

 A lot of people that retire don’t have something to fill their lives and that is a lot more challenging.  For those folks it is easy to get sucked into watching TV.  You need to dive deep into your hobbies and interests…don’t be a couch potato. It doesn’t matter if it is model trains, playing games, visiting national parks, or working on a book – you need some things to do.   

Time becomes fuzzy.  When you worked, the weekends had meaning.  When you are retired, every day is Saturday.  There are a lot of times I don’t even know what day of the week it is – let alone what number on the calendar.  Most importantly, I don’t care about what day of the week it is.    

Don’t make an unachievable honey-do list.  I had a friend that retired and had a goal of cleaning out his garage.  It hasn’t happened yet.  Look, when you set a big goal, it is easy to blow it off.  You need to have small, achievable goals for home improvement projects.  Break a big task into small ones.  Don’t say you’ll get the whole garage/basement done, settle for one wall or one room.  Make the goals achievable. Do that, and you’ll be surprised at how much you can get done.  

Continuous learning is important.  When I was at work they made us take classes and I resented most of them.  When you force someone to take a class, it usually is because of some management failure or legal issue.  Outside of work, there were a lot of things I wanted to learn how to do.  So I went to our community college and took a welding class.  I wanted to make some furniture for our new house and wanted that industrial look. It took a while, thanks to Covid, but I finally finished the class.  I found there are discounts if you are over the age of 55 in some instances for classes, so make sure you ask.  I am always looking to keep my mind working by forcing it to learn new things.   

Exercise.  Look, your whole life you said that you simply didn’t have time to work out.  Well, now you can.  Get up and get at it.  I have found that now that I don’t have to fit it into my schedule, I work out longer at the gym and go more often. I feel like I am the only person to come through COVID in better shape than when I started.   

You need some sort of routine.  Humans are creatures of pattern and behavior.  So come up with some sort of schedule for your life, even if it is very basic.  It gives you a reason to get up and some sort of way to measure time.  I have found that even a very basic routine gives my life the structure I was missing from when I was ‘working for the man.’

Spend time with your loved ones.  My wife and I are building a new house.  So, temporarily, we are in an apartment.  It is pretty cramped and you’d think we’d be at each other’s throats, but we are actually having a lot of fun.  We have identified some 20 different restaurants we have never eaten at and are slowly working our way through the list.  Every meal is date-night.  Additionally, thanks to COVID, we watch our grandson every other week while he does virtual schooling.  I have seen more of him and my daughter in the last three months alone than I did in the previous two years.  My grandson and I play Fortnight and have fun together.  (PS.  I recommend video games – they help with concentration, hand-eye coordination, and are a lot of fun.)

I also take the time to call my other relatives. I always felt rushed before retirement, having to squeeze in time for other people.  Not any longer!  I try and connect every few weeks and it is a meaningful discussion.

You won’t miss your friends from work as much as you think. I keep in contact with four people from work, two of which are still imprisoned (working) there. I had to cut off a few ‘friends’ entirely because they posted terrible political posts that I could not tolerate. (I find that I don’t have the need to engage with people about idiotic political stuff like I used to.) I don’t miss work in the least. There are only two people that can tell me what to do, my wife and my dog. When I hear about stuff happening back at work, I find myself satisfied that I made the right decision at the right time. Keep in touch with your real friends from work.

 Feel free to share this with people who are considering retirement.

Wolf’s Dragoons – Examples of the Use of the Word Unity

I really just wrote this up as a chance to show off my new dice puck for Wolf’s Dragoons
Sweet metal dice of doom!

As we approach the era of the ilClan, I thought I’d share a funny little primer I made.  In writing about Wolf’s Dragoons in Divided We Fall, I researched the word ‘unity’ that the Dragoons toss around so casually.  So, for grins, here are the accepted contexts and meanings of the word in use in fiction (totally unauthorized and non-canon):

Dismay                                             For Unity’s sake! 
Curse                                UNITY!
Death of an enemy                                                  Uni-ity!  (read with a little sing-song – ask the guys on WolfNet Radio)
Threat                                                                        We are going to get all-unity on this guys ass. 
Family/Team                                                             Seyla!  Unity!
Acknowledgement of desperate plight                Unity.  Yeah, you bet your ass unity. 
WarningLet’s open a can of unity on these guys.
ExhaustionTired?  Me too.  Unity…
Preparing to rush into battleI’m about to shove a lot of unity down this guy’s throat!
We’re screwedOh – Unity!
Dealing with an idiotThis guy doesn’t get unity. 
Ordering another beerAnother round down here…Unity!!
ConfusionWhat the unity is going on here?
AgreementYou bet your ass unity!
StressWhat in the unity is going on here?
OutsidersYou don’t get unity.  That’s a Dragoon thing.
Let’s kill these guysUNITY!!!
Misuse of the word unityYou don’t know unity the way I know unity. 

Blaine’s Unofficial Reading List to Prepare for ilClan

IMG_1108 (1)

I have been getting this question a LOT since Rock of the Republic released:  “What should I be reading to lead up to Hour of the Wolf?  Suddenly I became everyone’s librarian. I get it, I write stuff, so I should have this at my fingertips right?  No.  It doesn’t work that way.

So, this is my list.  It is not official because I am not official.  I took time out of my busy writing schedule to put this together.  If you have questions, please look to the bottom of this for the updated Bob List.

FICTION IN-PRINT LIST

  1. I did not include the Dark Ages novels because they are out of print. See the subtitle? I have prepared a separate list below of the pertinent ROC novels.
  2. I am only including the books where I know their storyline, pertinence, timing, etc. If I look like I’m glossing over someone stuff, chances are I’m not in the loop on what they are writing.  I know, it’s a shocker.  It’s not me being a douche and purposefully ignoring someone stuff.  I haven’t seen the sequels to Grey Watch Protocol, for example.  I assume they would normally appear on this list.
  3. This is the recommended reading order I suggest. That doesn’t make it right.  Well, it kinda does.  But frankly, you can shuffle some of these around
  4. No, I’m not doing this to sell more books. Don’t be a Bob-level ass.  I don’t get paid that way.
  • Forever Faithful – Talk about your unintended consequences.  Let me tell you about Clan Smoke Jaguar and the Fidelis.
  • A Bonfire of Worlds – Tharkad gets visited by Malvina and Alaric who trash the place worse that the hotel room in The Hangover. Tucker Harwell learns that family isn’t everything.  Spoiler Alert:  Katherine Steiner-Davion gets killed.  It is worth reading for that alone.
  • The Anvil – Malvina Hazen and Stephanie Chistu have a pillow-fight over Coventry.  It sounds more sexy than it is. Okay, there’s no pillow-fight…I did that just to get you read it.
  • Splinter of Hope  –  Julian Davion is kinda important.  Then again all Davions think they are important. Some more than others. Just ask them, they’ll tell ya. Then there’s Caleb.  Don’t be Caleb, like, ever. Trust me on this one.  He raped a Liao. Really he did.  We all know the Davions think about it (metaphorically), but Caleb did it. That is messed up on many levels.
  • Divided We Fall – It ain’t no party until the Dragoons drop in.  No, seriously, they bring the good beer.
  • Rock of the Republic – “Stone, Devlin Stone.  I prefer my Republic shaken not stirred.”
  • Grey Watch Protocol – What’s that noise?  “That is the warpipes of the Northwind Highlanders laddie!”
  • Honor’s Gauntlet – Do you dare refuse my batchall? Jade Falcon goodness…if there is such a thing.
  • Children of Kerensky – Clan daycare gone horribly awry.
  • Icons of War – Pew pew pew – in SPACE!
  • Hour of the Wolf –  You have arrived at your destination.

RECOMMENDED SOURCEBOOKS

  • Field Manual 3145
  • Era Report 3145
  • Shattered Fortress

ROC DARK AGES NOVELS YOU WILL FIND HELPFUL

Note:  These are not in a particular order

  • The Wolf Hunters
  • Sword of Sedition
  • Masters of War
  • A Rending of Falcons
  • Flight of the Falcon
  • Target of Opportunity
  • Surrender Your Dreams
  • The Scorpion Jar
  • Fortress Republic

 GOT A QUESTION?  DON’T BE BOB!

If you have questions – read the list – follow the list, embrace the list.

  • Do not pitch me your ideas for a character or ask me to include you, your kids, your dog, your dead friend/relative in my book. If I need names, I post the casting call on Facebook.  You don’t use Facebook? Too bad for you. No I will not change the rules for you. Yes, I can be bribed, but not cash.
  • I do not know if anything will be available in hard copy.  Complaining to me does you zero good. Telling me you want to hold a physical book in your hands is not necessary. What you do with your hands is between you and your hands.  I just write this stuff. Telling me you want the book in a certain format falls on deaf ears with me because I am not involved in production.
  • I don’t know anything about audio books.  I can’t stress enough on this point – I really don’t care about audio books.
  • I do not have dates when anything is coming out. I have projected dates but I will not share them.  Don’t ask. Sometimes even my editor is surprised when stuff comes out.  Most of the time I am.  Adding insult to injury, you will probably get your copy of the book before I do.
  • I don’t know when the books will be translated into any language.
  • I am not affiliated with the Kickstarter.  Don’t ask me questions about it.  I don’t know. I like not knowing. I have no idea if Kickstarter exclusives will be available to non-Kickstarter people, but I think the word “exclusive” is a pretty big clue.
  • No, I will not tell you if you appear in the fiction as a Khan, First Lord, Custos of the Fidelis, a MechWarrior, a member of Clan Wolverine, a salty tech, a cook, a drunk, a swamp, a city, some ruins, or anything else. If you want to find your name in a piece of fiction, search for it when the product comes out. Just to make it hard, I may have altered your name because, well, I can.
  • I am not your reference library for BattleTech.
  • I will not read your fanfic, your Clan Wolverine screenplay, or anything else you write. I don’t need or want your ideas for fiction…I have plenty on my own.
  • You don’t need my permission to use stuff I have written about for your campaign.
  • No, I do not have a paint scheme or TO&E for some unit that I wrote about in the 1980’s.  It worries me that you think I would have something like that in my possession.  Seriously…
  • You don’t want to be Bob.

Alright you pesky kids, get off my lawn!

 

Comments On Twitter And What They Really Mean

Social Media

Twitter is a playground for me.  I don’t take it seriously.  If I wasn’t a writer, I wouldn’t have a Twitter account or even think about using it.  Nothing really makes me mad since Twitter is filled with idiots.  I go for the chuckles – either from posts or responding to them.

In some respects, I am a troll.  There are times I post shit simply to make people overreact.  Snarky comments are my binky in life.  Of course, in the last few months, Twitter has become a savaged battlefield of social media.  Lives and reputations are merely part of the poorly written body count in a war that has consumed the world.  If you make even the most innocent of comments, there are a dozen people that will pounce on you.  In two hours last weekend I was called a Nazi, a member of the Gestapo, a gun-nut, a Socialist, a racist, and a moron.  I am none of these things…though I am toying with “gun-nut” based on the accusations leveled at me.

The social media hostility level is at Defcon 5.  So for those of you that want to venture into the Twitter-verse, here’s some common lines I saw dropped over the weekend – and what my interpretation of what they really mean is.  Enjoy and share!

“I respect your opinion, but…”  You are so wrong I actually threw up a little bit in the back of my mouth.  Who knew you could be so stupid.

“What qualifies you as an expert?”   I am smarter than you and want to prove it.  If proven wrong, I will simply call you a Nazi or racist, so it’s all good.

“Nazi”   You don’t 110% agree with my thinking so my solution is to resort to labeling you the worst possible thing I can think of. It doesn’t matter if the subject is your favorite flavor of yogurt, if you don’t completely agree with me, you are, quite literally, one of the worst persons in history.

“Racist.”  I couldn’t spell Nasi (or is it Nazi?) but I want you to know I am giving you a label and hate anything you type.  Rather than refute or debate it, this is the only bullet I have in my gun, so I use it for just about anything.

“Socialist”  Stop whining about free stuff you believe you are owed by society.  Speaking for society, you aren’t owed shit.  Get back to work.

“I’m no expert but…”  I’m TOTALLY an expert because I can use ‘the Google’…

“Troll”   You dared to challenge my post and rather than use logic, I resort to name calling to diminish your validity on the topic at hand.

“On Fox News they said…”  You are a grumpy old man who is usually busy yelling at kids for being on his yard.  PS – this is me.

“On MSNBC they said …”  You are detached from reality and likely a Marxist, Anarchist, and get your news from The View.  Admit it, you think that Joy Behar is a hottie, don’t you?

“Play adult games – win adult prizes.”  If you go off and break the law and act stupid, don’t be surprised when someone opens a can of whoop-ass on you. (Please post videos of you getting your ass kicked – thanks!)

“We’re all good.”  I grow weary of this battle of words.  Can we call a truce?

“Let me be clear…”  I will use little words so you can understand what I am attempting to say.

“My bad.”  Crap, you called me out on my bullshit post. Curse you!

“Apologies”   Drop dead, but do it quietly.

“You are a bad faith actor.”  You dared challenge my idiotic thoughts and have fought me to a stalemate.  Curse you!

“You’re a hater.”  Actually, I hate you, but it is much more fun for me to call you something bad and hater works for me.

“WTF?”  Are you on booze, weed, meth, or a combo of the three?

“I’m sorry…”  I am totally not sorry but prefer to sound reasonable.

“Gaslight”  You are attempting to manipulate people into thinking a way I don’t want them to.  Stop it.

“Bro”  I was born after 1999.

“Apparently…”  You have no idea what you are writing about.

“Gotcha!”  I am giving myself a participation trophy on Twitter. Mom says I’m the best!

“Quit ur whining…”  1.  I lack the ability to spell complete words.  2.  I don’t have a logical argument to refute your facts, so I am just going to call your comments ‘whining’ and hope you go away.  3.  With these spelling skills I will be working in the fascinating world of fast food as a career.

“It’s extremely disappointing to hear you ___ ”  I am SO much smarter than you that my solution to your point is to talk down to you.  Here, let me draw you a picture…

“Oh, I know…”  No, I really don’t have a clue. I do have an opinion though, one I will shove in your face, right now.

“Peaceful protesters.”  Rioters

“Everyone knows…”  Everyone I know who thinks the way I do believes the way I do on this subject.  I have actually conducted scientific polls to verify this.  We all got together and agreed that you are stupid by the way.

“Vote vote vote!”   Vote – three times, for my candidate.

“If you ask me…”  No one asked me, but I feel my opinion is SUPER important.

“I must have really been on target when I called you a ______”  It is bothering me that, after I resorted to name calling, you have not replied.  In fact, it is bothering me so much that I need to try and prod you into reacting…so I can call you another name.

“Seriously?”  God you’re fu*king stupid.  I mean like drunk cheerleader stupid.

“I have a right to _____”  I know nothing about the law, but play a lawyer on Twitter by describing rights, rules, and laws that simply don’t exist.

“What you don’t understand…”  How could anyone be this stupid?  Now I will explain it to you as if you were a 3rd grader.  Even then, it’s hit or miss as to whether you will get it.

“Using only a GIF, describe _____”  I am far too busy to read.  I prefer pictures but Pinterest is SO complicated.   So please, take 10 minutes to go search the web to tell me something that I really don’t give a shit about.

“It is clear that you ____”  Allow me to accuse of being or doing something that you are not, simply to garner overreaction on your part.

Snarky Summary of the Jihad the Dark Ages of BattleTech

wob

A fan, I’m sure jerking my chain, asked me what eras followed the Civil War and Clan Invasion.  Now, a sane person would have steered him to Sarna.net.  I refused to accept the title of “sane.”  So I started a snarky response, a little BattleTech humor, for that fan.  Well I tweaked and modified it.  So, when someone asks me about the Jihad or Dark Ages going forward, this is what I steer them to.  I thought all of you still self-imprisoned at home might enjoy a little quirky humor.

Jihad Summary

Space AT&T (The Word of Blake) gets “a bit uppity” and decides that the best way to unify mankind is by destroying most of mankind.  The Wobbies magically super-jump warships to every capital world, lay waste to them and invade everything at once with an army of cyborgs and crazy-cool looking BattleMechs that somehow they have built roughly a bazillion of.  According to the Word of Blake, it was all just a “slight misunderstanding.”  They were not sending in invasion forces, these were “gifts.” Imagine their rage when they didn’t get thank you cards.  How rude!

They were led by a deformed and disfigured individual dubbed, “The Master,” because that title was bound to calm everyone down.  Anyone that has ever watched Dr. Who knew some serious shit was coming with that name.  Added to that, The Master was actually Thomas Marik – as if his adoption into a techno-cult and horrible face mutilation wasn’t enough, he came from House Marik…only slightly more stable than Charles Manson’s family.

Skull-fuckery was the mainstay of the day.  You get that with people that think you have to chant a song to get your Keurig to work.  Almost all of the major characters, mercenary units, and a few billion passersby are killed in a fate worse that death, killed ala sourcebook footnote.  Assassinations, betrayals, bombings, and outright debauchery happen everywhere at once with no apparent strategy, endgame, or even a bit of common sense.  Everyone agreed that the Word of Blake was rather rude, uncouth, and overreacted often with weapons of mass destruction.

The Wobbies used nukes, chemical, and biological weapons combined with badly written rap music to attempt to persuade their victims that worshiping technology was hip.  In a perfect response to this crisis, the House governments were caught with their hands in their pants and tried to fight the Word of Blake on their own because we all know that isn’t going to work.

Out of this utter drug-addled chaos, a nobody named Devlin Stone emerges and rallies the governments to kick the Word of Blake’s ass.  The Blakeists waged a scorched planet policy until everyone glows a pretty shimmering shade of orange.  You know the old saying, what do you call a million dead followers of the World of Blake?  A good start.

Somehow Stone unites the leaders, apparently because he’s not one of them.  He tells the Ghost Bears that the Word of Blake is actually descendants of Clan Wolverine, which unleashes them on a murder spree.  Nothing says loving like good bear mauling.

Eventually Terra was recovered, or what was left of it – then The Master got nuked, reliving a chapter out of Hitler’s last few days.  No one shed a tear.

Dark Ages Summary

ROS

So Devlin Stone forms the Republic of the Sphere, a kind of Terran Hegemony on acid.  A dash of Camelot, a dollop of the Roman Empire, and a healthy dose of raw egotism were the foundation of the Republic. Stone wears a ball cap that says, “Make the Inner Sphere Great Again!” – true story!

He runs his new realm on a promise to beat swords into plowshares – and if you don’t do that, he will go to war with you.  Ask the Cappies about it.  Go on, I dare you.

Stone promises a golden age of peace and everyone is sick and tired of fighting, so they use ‘Mechs to cut down trees, dig holes, and other goofy shit.  I swear, you will see a mining ‘Mech on Gold Rush, season 522.  His great new universe works, for a few hours/days/years.  Even the Clans chill, having gone Reaving-ass on themselves in the homeworlds, wiping out many clans and forming new ones like Clan Stoned Pony.  It’s like My Little Pony got ‘Mech upgrades.  So the homeworlds are left to be a total frame-up restoration and even their Facebook pages were taken down.

Stone’s knights and paladins run around squashing everyone that gets a burr up their ass to start a new war.  Strangely it works, Wizkids even considers renaming BattleTech to PeaceTech.  Everything is mellow and cool, so much so that Stone packs up and disappears, supposedly sitting on a beach somewhere, getting laid and hammered.

What could go wrong?

Well, 80% of the HPG network goes offline and apparently you can’t shut off the HPG network and turn it back on again to fix the problem.  In a normal society, this would lead to caution, but for the Inner Sphere, it was time to open a whole case of whoop-ass which had been on the shelf for years.  Everybody starts beating their plowshares into swords.  For a while, Industrial ‘Mechs are armed until the factories start spitting out newer and more potent BattleMechs.  They even have Superheavies, which is not a description of someone coming out of Space Golden Corral but a three-legged monstrosity clocking in at over 100 tons.  Who would have thought that cultures that have lived at war for centuries might fall back on that the moment they can’t access Space PornHub?  Oh wait, all of us.

The Republic of the Sphere is seen as an easy target and the House lords hit them like hungry sharks on chum.  The Republic gets gobbled up until puts up, “Do Not Disturb!” signs at all jump points and it turns on its magic space shield (Fortress Republic) that somehow scrambled JumpShips trying to penetrate it.  This super-powered space chastity belt allows a few Republic worlds to survive and prepare for the inevitable onslaught.

Outside of the wall we have Knights, Paladins, Fidelis (Smoke Jaguars disguised as ninjas) and Anastasia Fucking Kerensky.  It’s always a party with a Kerensky in the house!

The magic space shield collapses around to Terra while everyone on Earth runs out and hoards toilet paper and meat products because the Clans are a’comin’!  The Wolves have played hippity-hoppity-get-off-my-property and moved to the Lyran/FWL border.

In this corner, his hair weighing in at 12 kilos alone, Alaric Ward, genespawn of everyone’s favorite star of Real Wives of ComStar, Katherine Steiner-Davion-Wolf and Victor Steiner-Davion.  Alaric is preparing to wreck Terra’s ass because he has the genes of a person that rates a 9.2 on the Amaris Scale of Douchebaggery.  PS.  Before your whine incest…Katherine stole Victor’s DNA.  Ew…why would you go there?

And in this corner, weighing in at 56 kilos, chock-full of maniacal mayhem, the one and only Malvina Hazen of Clan Jade Falcon, the Butcher of Wotan.  Malvina makes the Master look like a choir boy sans the pedophile priests of ComStar.  Seriously, she crashed a Jade Falcon WarShip on one of her own cities – just to make a point.  She is intent on taking Terra too – so that she can crash more WarShips onto more cities as part of the Jade Falcon’s Inner Sphere Urban Renewal Program.

Meanwhile, Stone apparently didn’t retire to a Canopian Pleasure Pit but instead put himself on ice and is now thawed and ready to be tagged in on the match.  House Kurita has landed on New Avalon which has had a significant impact on property values and resale value.  The Capellans are making their own run on Terra (and the Federated Suns) with some solid leaders for the first time in ages.  As it turns out, if you don’t have batshit crazy in your genes, you can actually run the Confederation rather well.  The Free World’s League is doing what it does best, shooting itself in its feet over and over again.

The Federated Suns lost one First Prince, Caleb Davion, the Harvey Weinstein of the Inner Sphere.  No one cried over that death, trust me.  Julian Davion runs it now, wrapped in plot-armor, and dealing with the reality that his nation is about to be pinched off like a turd.  The Lyrans are on their 17th Archon in eight months.  Wedged in between Clans Wolf and Jade Falcon, things are looking pretty dire.  Trillian Steiner seems to have what it takes – but she inherited the equivalent of a mobile home owned by a hoarder with a condemned notice tacked on the front door and 100 hungry cats wandering around.  Let’s just say, it’s not great.

So the stage is set, the music is queued, the DJ is on space-meth, and the Inner Sphere is ready to rock.

 

Some Snarky Humor – Things I’ve Learned or Confirmed During Quarantine

IMG_1091 (1)

Here is my observations up to this point – for your entertainment as we all sit at home.  Remember, I am a snarky bastard who sometimes writes stuff just to set people off – a troll of the highest caliber.  I do want to provide folks with a few minutes of provocative thought and maybe a chuckle or two.

  1. We, as a people, are easily manipulated by social media into panic buying (toilet paper).  Don’t try and justify the reality that you panicked.  Be prepared, the marketing people have learned a very dangerous lesson from this.
  2. I have come to better appreciate my wife’s company and her cooking skills.
  3. We have zero survival skills and purchase things that are of little to no use during a real emergency situation.  Good luck surviving on pickles peanuts, and jalapeno peppers.
  4. Ninety-percent of people, when given common sense reasonable guidelines, will follow them out of concern for themselves or others. They are good human beings. Ten percent are validating Charles Darwin and couldn’t dump piss from a boot if the instructions were on the bottom of the heel.  Punishing the 90% because of the idiocy of 10% is irrational.
  5. When deprived of services, people worry about the vanity-based ones the most – such as “When can I get back to my salon to touch up my roots?”  A lot of people are wandering around without their injections of Botox.  As a result of all of this mayhem, in another few weeks there are going to be a lot less blondes in the world.
  6. Many politicians have validated their incompetence – sadly meeting my expectations. Example:  Our governor came on TV to tells us we need to exhibit social distancing, surrounded by seven individuals less than two feet apart, none of whom are wearing masks.  One word: Moron.
  7. When you shut off the world economy and everyone goes home, the effects are strange and sometimes entertaining.  Like my PC, apparently it was time to reboot the planet Earth. While we have never done this before, I have found that it usually works pretty damn good with my PC so I encourage people to chill out.
  8. I have been dazzled by brilliant acts of individual kindness, courtesy, and grace. People can be wonderful.
  9. When faced with fear, people will surrender their Constitutional rights; demand that others do the same; and will report any infraction no matter how ridiculous. Yeah, that whole Hitler thing, that could totally happen here.
  10. Congress, when faced with a crisis, cannot resist spending money on things that have nothing to do with the actual emergency.  Giving themselves a raise, funding the Kennedy Center and PBS?  Really?  One word:  Douchebaggery.
  11. Thanks to Netflix, we all learned that Carol Baskins killed her husband and fed him to the tigers.  Oh, she totally did.IMG_1089
  12. We realize that police, fire, and medial workers are the most valuable members of our society – but in the end, we still won’t pay them what they are worth or for the hard work they have done.
  13. Shutting down professional sports has had negligible impact on our culture.
  14. Individuals believe their fear trumps the rights of others. I find it amusing that other people feel they should have a say about my rights are based on how they feel.  I receive similar lectures about what I say and political correctness – and those never work either.
  15. That Nancy Pelosi shelters in place in a mansion with gourmet food (and I presume a few cases of vodka.)
  16. The internet is as important in an emergency as electrical power.  Kudos to the folks that kept it up so far.
  17. Celebrities show their ‘suffering’ by not wearing makeup or doing their hair, wearing sweatpants, and going on talk shows from their mansions. Let’s be clear, none of us care about Hollywood’s hardships.
  18. Companies love to run advertising camouflaged as public service announcements.  “Look at how we are stepping up to plate to deal with this crisis.”  Yeah, you guys are real humanitarians…  We get it, you are keeping your marketing department from being furloughed.
  19. When an emergency like this emerges the media’s first action is to put the truth up against a wall and shoot it. They would put a monkey throwing feces on the air as an “expert” if it will sow fear and give them ratings.  Spreading disinformation and terror is now an agenda item.
  20. We moved way too much production of goods overseas. Time to bring that shit back home even if it costs more.
  21. Our government has a list of who is essential and tracks our movements on our phones to ensure compliance to their orders.  That should scare the crap out of everyone.
  22. We learned that we can get by just fine not buying stuff for a few weeks.  This isn’t necessarily a good lesson but good to know.
  23. Some people (not me!) have spent far too much time with their spouses and children and it shows in their social media posts.  Who knew you could be so angry?
  24. Regardless of how much money people get from the government, it isn’t enough.
  25. We turn to the wrong people for solutions in panic…like Bill Gates.
  26. Our economy is based entirely on our confidence and nothing else.
  27. Oil can go to a value of negative dollars per barrel.  I guess that means they are paying us to take the oil?
  28. I am amazed and delighted at how quickly and innovatively businesses can change their operations to cope with an emergency.
  29. There are people out there, including politicians, that take delight in this chaos.  They want big companies to fail and are gleeful that oil prices have tanked.  They are pathetic, sad, twisted people.  PS – her initials are AOC.
  30. There is no excuse for anyone not having a great yard this year…you had plenty of time on your hands.
  31. When a crisis happens and our leaders should come together behind their President, they, in turn, call any action he takes ‘racist.’ I guess when you only have one bullet in your gun…
  32. Everyone learned how to sew/make masks pretty darned fast.
  33. There were no emergency plans in place when schools were shut down.  What makes a good teacher in a classroom is not the same as what makes a good virtual teacher.
  34. People stupidly believed that posting their graduation photos somehow made 2020 graduates feel better.
  35. Liberals sincerely believe that shutting down churches and keeping abortion clinics and liquor stores open are justifiable actions.
  36. Millions of people learned how to order from restaurants on-line for delivery.  This will change things for years to come.
  37. The longer this goes on, the more susceptible people become to wild-ass conspiracy theories.  “Hillary Clinton killed Colonel Mustard, in the Library, with the Coronavirus.”
  38. When their constitutional right to free assembly is stripped from them, people will protest and resist.  Our founding fathers would approve, since they dealt with numerous medical pandemics and did not see fit to put a freeze on rights.  You think this is bad, try Scarlet Fever or Cholera. Suck it up, buttercup.  I applaud sensible protests.      IMG_0541
  39. In times of crisis, people idiotically think that the Federal Government should be a supplier of medical supplies and other things.  Seriously people…your local governments are far more impactful than a Federal response.
  40. Board games are still a hell of a lot of fun when there are no distractions.
  41. We learned that we are footing most of the bill for the World Health Organization and getting damned little for it.
  42. Companies are learning that people can work just fine from home and that remarkably little is gained by sitting in an office together.  Further, the solution to road congestion and pollution seems to be people working from home…duh.
  43. We are more of a welfare state than I never fully comprehended. I think we need to fix this.
  44. Every government giveaway of our money is going to have unintended consequences that none of us can fathom.
  45. The blurring of guidelines and restrictions is important to know.
  46. Some politicians seem to care more for non-citizens and incarcerated criminals than hard-working Americans.  This is a decision on thier part.
  47. Americans had to be taught how to wash their hands.  Geez, I learned that way before going to elementary school.
  48. Our grocery stores and restaurants have never been cleaner…and that is a good thing.

I know some of you will feel the urge to rebuttal me.  Let me assure you, I gain strength through your angst.  Like Rick Sanchez said, “Your boos mean nothing to me…I have seen what makes you cheer!”

 

Blaine Pardoe’s Annual BattleTech April Fool’s Prank 2020 – The BattleTech Kickstarter – Fulfillment of the Canon Characters

battletech3

In keeping with my tradition of April Fool’s BattleTech Pranks:

Operation Freaking Awesomeness

BattleTech Products That Never Came To Market

Failed BattleTech Storylines

Blood on the Canopy

Outline for the ilClan Sourcebook

This was my suggestion to address all of the people that opted in for the canon character option in the Kickstarter.

Internal Memorandum to Catalyst BattleTech Staff

Per our meeting, we was discussed the need to address the seemingly tens-of-thousands of Kickstarter backers who opted for canon characters in the universe. Some are easy, some are complicated to the point of absurdity. Example:  “I want to be a Khan of Clan Jade Falcon, who is really a covert Clan Wolverine operative that is also a DEST agent with secret information on Omi Kurita’s love child with Victor.” Yeah, I have tried to craft that story but it caused a small brain hemorrhage.  Let’s save it for the magazine (our new default answer to hard stuff).

Then it came to me. As you know, in an upcoming piece of fiction, I have bar where dead MechWarriors are commemorated for the stupid ways they died.  Their names are written on the wall along with how they died.  That got me thinking – what a great way to deal with all of these canon characters!

I propose this “memorial wall to the dead,” describing all of the dead and how they died.  Sure, it’s a sleazy way to address this, but that’s why you assigned it to me.  All we have to do is stick their names in before each of these glorious deaths and we can chalk it up as a win!

Example: Bob Roberts harbored the illusion that 28 centimeters of ice could support his BattleMech.

Extra points if you realize this guys name was Bob – twice.

What do you guys think?

Blaine “Buck” Pardoe

battletech5

Fulfillment Options (Insert names where appropriate) 

  • Killed in a bar-fight with _____ when a bottle cut his jugular.
  • Self-detonated his ammunition, forgetting that he did not have CASE.  Two tons of autocannon rounds left little to be recovered.
  • Last words – “They are only stupid Capellans – charge!”
  • His tactic of, “Let’s lure them in to point blank range,” proved to be incorrect.
  • Stopped moving in his ‘Mech and became the largest, stationary LRM and Arrow target known to mankind…for 20 seconds.  Then he became the largest LRM crater in the history of that world.
  • Last words – “We have them on the run!”
  • Killed by _____ in a bar-fight when he pulled a bottle out of his jugular, tossing it into _____ and cutting his throat in the process.
  • Drew a Square of Equals, just to be different, and was killed for his slight to Clan Ghost Bear tradition.
  • Got into a name-calling match with his armorer just before he went into battle.  As it turns out, he had no ammunition in his missile racks of his Archer.  The investigation remains open as to how that could have happened.
  • Decided to test the altitude limits of his jump jets without paying attention to his fuel.
  • Failed to do the mental math when charging four enemies.  Remains unrecoverable.
  • Was bragging in a bar about having sexually conquered a number of “Kerensky broads.”  He should have checked to see that it was a Wolf Clan bar.
  • Learned there is validity in the old saying that you should not bring a knife to a gunfight.
  • She made the comment, “All you ROM guys are pussies.”  She has not been seen since, presumed dead.
  • Volunteered to be point one time too many.
  • Ventured that the low rumble was a ground tremor, not the approaching enemy RCT.
  • Told an Elemental she, “…had your head up your ass.”  She demonstrated that positioning using him as the subject.
  • Pressed the “override” button on his automatic shutdown controls one time too many.  Body still too radioactive for normal burial.
  • Told the joke, “How many Capellans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” in the wrong place at the wrong time.
  • Misunderstood his CO’s warning about a, “Steiner Recon Lance.”  He didn’t realize that was a lance of Atlas’s.
  • Last words – “I bet I could kick your Elemental-ass!”  Her body had to be identified via DNA.

battletech4

  • Proof that drinking and piloting a BattleMech in combat is a deadly combination.  “Don’t you kids try this at home.”
  • Proved you cannot tap dance in a mine field.
  • Last communication to the approaching enemy:  “I don’t think you have the guts to charge our position.”
  • Learned the maximum depth a BattleMech can operate under water.
  • Misread the map when calling for air support.
  • Last words – “Clanners never attack in the rain, everyone knows that.”
  • Despite training, held onto a grenade by the pin – once.
  • Last words – “I could beat you with only one arm.”  The Jade Falcon Elemental obliged by ripping off one of his arms.  He was wrong.
  • Went outside to urinate, in -70c weather and locked the door behind him.  Body eventually thawed and pants pulled up for his family’s sake.
  • Incorrectly calculated the range that an enemy sniper could fire from.
  • Told his tech that his actuator was, “Just fine.”  It wasn’t.
  • Decided to experiment in what could be fired from a gauss rifle.
  • Ignored his jump jet fuel indicator as he rushed off the edge of the plateau.
  • She became a “trainable moment” in overheating her ‘Mech.
  • Proved you cannot use a tank as a roller-skate for a BattleMech.
  • Discovered that no amount of camouflage can hide a BattleMech running in the open.
  • Last words – “Someone hold my beer…”
  • Failed to inform the enemy that the area was secure.
  • Hit eject but his canopy did not deploy before the seat hit it.  Remains scraped up and sent to his family.
  • Proof that Elementals are not “Cuddly.”
  • Put to test the engineering specifications for his ‘Mech going over a 200 meter cliff.  The engineers, as it turned out, were right.
  • Ignored his CO’s warning that the roof of the apartment building would not likely support his ‘Mech.
  • Last words – “I thought the map said there were mud pits around here…guys?  Guys?”
  • Learned the importance of checking the safety strap on his ejection seat, in the last ten seconds of his life.
  • Told his tech, “I’m in a hurry, don’t worry about those heat sinks.”
  • Tombstone reads:  “Fell asleep at his guard post the night that the DEST commandoes decided to pay a visit.”
  • Learned what the odds were of a gauss rifle hitting his cockpit.  Hint, they are higher than you might think.
  • Punched a Ghost Bear in the nuts – once.
  • Trusted his DropShip pilot to determine a safe altitude to deploy – over his own eyes and sensors.
  • Dated a cruel mistress – gravity – one too many times.
  • Refused to top off his missile and autocannon expendibles saying, ‘They won’t be mounting a counterattack for hours.’
  • Claimed that a one-shot missile rack was ‘plenty.’
  • Last words – “I bet I can pick up that Smoke Jaguar Elemental…”
  • Made the eternal mistake of volunteering to hold the rear flank against ComStar.
  • Ignored the smell of smoke in his cockpit…and the smell of bacon.
  • Told the Manei Domini at the bar, “Interdict this!” and grabbed his crotch.
  • Refused to panic…but should have.
  • Determined that urban camouflage did not work well in the desert.
  • Last action – Flipped the bird to the regular troops in the bar and initiated a lethal bar-fight.
  • Last words – “I’m well out of their range…”
  • Ignored the no smoking signs in the armory.  ID determined by the one square CM bit of flesh recovered from the explosion.

Battletech6

  • Bet his life that the Jade Falcon Star Colonel would not draw down his bid and call for orbital bombardment.
  • Beat his tech the night before the battle in poker and thought it was funny.  So did the tech.
  • Did his own field repairs and learned the engineering limits of Duct Tape.
  • Last words:  “I think all ISF DEST operatives are wussies…”
  • Created his own chapter for future training classes.  “Always check the liquid you are wading in before you fire on it.”
  • Told everyone that camouflage did not matter on a BattleMech – and went with “Target Orange” with florescent yellow highlights…perfect for forest operations.
  • Misread the elevation lines on the map and his own eyesight out of the cockpit.
  • Taunted one too many enemies with, “Your mother was a Fed-rat and your father sold futures to the FWL.”
  • Tombstone reads:  “I told you I was sick.”
  • Learned that once you go Elemental, you do not ever come back.
  • Came as The Master to a Federated Suns Halloween Party during the Jihad.
  • Decided to make his own modifications to his bionic arm.
  • Last words – “Why is that forest moving?”
  • Learned how close you could stand to a firing PPC blast…and lost the bet in the process.
  • Wore her Wolf’s Dragoon gear into a bar filled with Waco’s Rangers to “intimidate them.”
  • Learned why they are called, “The cheap seats” in Solaris when a missile barrage went wild and killed him.
  • Issued a batchall to the incoming Clan Commander and told him, “If you had the balls, you’d face me alone.”  He did, apparently, have the balls.
  • Did not make his piloting skill roll.
  • Last words – “I can outrun her…”
  • Killed in the great Toilet Paper Riots of 3048 fighting a rear guard action over a mound of Charmin 8000.
  • Told his tech to, “Not waste time replacing my damaged rear armor.”
  • Face-planted his BattleMaster into the canyon despite numerous warning signs.  Earned a new nickname – Wile E. Coyote.
  • Learned he did not have the skills to override Clan BattleMech security.
  • Told a group of clan warriors that Nicholas Kerensky had a furry fetish.  They were less-than-amused.
  • Last action – Successfully mooning the enemy.
  • Proved he was not proficient in energy weapons.
  • Decided to exit the DropShip early, like 3000 meters up too early.
  • Tombstone reads:  “Here lies Corporal Dave who chased the Clanner into a cave…”
  • Tried to impress the lieutenant by offering to scout ahead.
  • Ignored the radiation warnings one too many times.
  • Died confident that the roof of the building would support his 70 ton BattleMech.
  • Disregarded his tech’s warning of, “I wouldn’t stand under that arm if I were you.”
  • Grabbed the first ‘Mech available when the enemy showed up.  Footnote:  A Stinger taking on a Timberwolf is never a good idea.
  • In his last moments regretted calling the ComStar adept, “A techno priest” when he went to send the message for reinforcements.
  • Last words – “They are attacking with only a star of ‘Mechs – we’ve got this…”
  • Last communication to the approaching enemy:  “Why don’t you come over here and make me?”
  • Accidentally dumped his ammunition at the first sign of the enemy.  Turns out, you need that shit in a firefight.
  • Asked Blaine Pardoe to read his fan fic piece with stolen cover art. Remains are yet unfound. The investigation remains open.
  • Made the comment in a Capellan bar that the Death Commandoes were ‘vastly overrated.’  The one at the bar proved him wrong.
  • Ignored the warning during ‘Mech startup when the voice told him, “All Systems Not Nominal.”
  • Told a group of Clan Warriors he was going to “Get all Task Force Serpent on their assess.”  The fight, for the record, lasted less than eight seconds.
  • Forgot to wear a hard hat in the repair bay.  A swinging piece of ferro-fibrous plate can leave a nasty mark on one’s head.
  • Was adjusting his play list when the first wave of missiles enveloped his ‘Mech in a bright orange ball of flame.
  • Last words – “It’s just a heat warning…”
  • Ignored the “Danger Radiation” warning label on fusion reactor access panel 3B
  • Walked into a bar and said, “All Bless Jerome Blake!”  Body identified by DNA.
  • While drinking at a bar, took a 5 C-bill bet that he could give that Elemental a wedgie.
  • Learned the importance of proper weapons maintenance when his laser rifle misfired during battle.  In fact, he become the poster-child for checking the barrel for burned clogging material.
  • Made the classic military mistake of volunteering.
  • Learned that not all civilian bridges are designed to hold up 100 ton BattleMechs.
  • Stepped under Captain Jackson’s jump jets during a take-off.  The good news is the body was pre-cremated.
  • Was poisoned by the company cook for making comments about his lousy, “Shit on a shingle.”  Only person in the Sword of Light to die by French Toast.
  • Electrocuted while trying to prove you can hot wire a BattleMech.
  • Last words – “I can prove there are no Snakes patrolling that valley.”
  • Proved the inherent dangers of grenade juggling in the barracks.
  • Misread the words “Lava Flats” on the map.
  • Died of heart failure when a gauss rifle slug opened his heart and pulverized it into a thin DNA paste.
  • Worst intelligence officer ever.  Spent the night before the battle surfing for Elemental porn rather than pulling up the satellite relays.  Shot by his own men.
  • Executed a HALO jump sans a working breathing unit.
  • Learned that Friendly Fire isn’t and that it has the right of way.
  • Tapped the warhead of a stack of LRM’s with a hammer “to make a point.”
  • Killed by his own men after purchasing surplus WOB munitions for their mercenary company, only to find that they were all mislabeled practice rounds.
  • Went into battle claiming the enemy could not see him because he was piloting an “Unseen” BattleMech.  As it turns out he, and Harmony Gold, were wrong.
  • Convinced his superiors that he was ready for his first battle.
  • In retrospect, his callsign of “LRM Target” was a bit of heavy-handed foreshadowing.
  • Called a group of clan warriors, “Wolverine-humpers.” They were less-than-amused.
  • Charged up over the ridgeline into a battalion of Davion’s alone, believing we were all following him, when we were just sitting back wondering, “Why is he being so stupid?”
  • Ignored the scout lance one time too many.
  • Tombstone reads:  “When his tech told him, ‘I wouldn’t do that shit if I were you,’ he decided to try and prove the tech wrong.”
  • Currently in orbit over Thorin as a non-operative satellite. Learned that piloting a BattleMech in space it is always a good idea to have a tether or magnetic boot attachments.
  • Last words – “Let’s rush their DropShips!”
  • Learned that when your artillery is in range of the enemy, their artillery is in range of you.
  • Thought it would be funny to paint a large white and red target on the cockpit of his BattleMech.
  • Told his lance mates that, “ECM is for wusses.”
  • Adjusted his IFF transponder incorrectly and at the wrong moment.  “Hey, where did that enemy Wasp come from?  Hit it boys!”
  • Refused to look both ways before driving his tank across the maglev tracks.
  • Was last seen with a toolkit saying something about fixing airlock four’s controls.
  • His friends replaced his coolant with Coolant Flush ™ energy drink as a prank.  Body was found to be extra crispy and caffeine infused.
  • Told his infantry support their “pansy-asses” weren’t needed.
  • Learned that Streak missiles can acquire new targets – including your cockpit.
  • Last words – “I don’t care that I am danger close, drop the barrage!”
  • Believed that the mine field sign was incorrectly posted.
  • Stood up the general’s daughter for a date and was assigned to, “An extended long range patrol to find the enemy main body.”  He did.
  • Yelled “charge” before making sure that the rest of his lance was willing to do so.  “It was spectacular the way he ran alone into the middle of that Clan Cluster…and over quickly.”
  • Ignored the “Launch Doors Jammed” warning indicator when he unleashed a salvo of SRM’s.
  • Two words – Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
  • Learned there is a wrong way to load short range missiles.
  • Told his tech, “Stop worrying about those cracks in the cockpit canopy…it’s just fine.”
  • As a newly pinned Lieutenant, he ignored the sergeant’s warnings about poking the bear.
  • Made the mistake of drinking too much and commenting in front of clansmen that Nicholas Kerensky got his names for the clans from a kids petting zoo.
  • Protected the ammunition dump – but too closely.
  • Two words – Terminal Diarrhea.
  • Last action – disabled his ejection seat because the power cable rattled too much.
  • In a bar bet he placed 100 C-Bills on the table that someone could slam an entire glass of coolant fluid.  He both won and lost.
  • Exited the DropShip to descend on his jump jets…which is ‘Mech was not equipped with.
  • Did not notice the large white and red target painted on the back of his ‘Mech.
  • Pulled the pin and fumbled one grenade too many.
  • Proved that standing still does not draw attention (or incoming fire) away from you.  FYI – Commonly known as Draxing.
  • Became the poster-child for not piloting your BattleMech underwater when your cockpit has been compromised.
  • Told his physician that his eyesight was just fine.  He was incorrect.
  • Thought it would be fun to cover himself in catnip and then seduce a bunch of those crazy Periphery cat-people from Canopus.
  • Believed he could outrun an avalanche.  Was off by 47 kph.
  • Bad eyesight made him confuse an enemy ‘Mech as a Crab when it was a King Crab.
  • Last Words: “What are the odds of them both hitting my cockpit?”  It is 6.94% – for the record.
  • Threatened his Tech prior to the big battle.  Mysteriously his weapons systems failed after their first shot.
  • Hid under the dropship.  Failed to check its departure orders first.
  • Last communication to the approaching enemy:  “Ghost Bear – what’s that?  One of the Care Bears ™?”
  • Was confident that he had dug has foxhole deep enough as the tank rolled over it.  For a millisecond before his crushing death, his confidence waned.
  • Learned that in an emergency you cannot replace coolant vest coolant with urine.
  • Said he would take the old-school Charger into the battle and that it was an underappreciated killing machine.
  • Learned that the warning labels on the fusion reactor output cables were there for a reason.  Can you say, “Extra Crispy Please?”
  • Last words, “They have nowhere else to run.”  As it happens, they could turn 180 degrees and charge.
  • Learned an important physics lesson regarding jumping, distances, and the structural integrity of BattleMech legs.
  • Learned there is a good reason to not tape your hand grenades.
  • His flagrant disregard for artillery barrages will immortalize him for years to come at NAIS as an example for future generations about “what not to do.”
  • Nickname – Squats.  Decided to go behind a tree and take a dump at the moment of the enemy counterattack. Never made it back to his ‘Mech.  Death by Taco-Bell.
  • Took the phrase, ‘…or die trying…’ far too seriously.
  • Suggested that he could write a better novel than any of the established BattleTech authors.  Was castrated, drawn and quartered, trampled on, and his remain were buried in eight different latrines.  According to the authors, “We could and should have done so much more but we are paid by the word.”