Office Humor – The List of Things I’m Not Allowed to Do At Work – The Buck List

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Oh, its on like Donkey Kong…

Next week I retire (early – I can’t stress that enough) from working for the Corporate Overlords and dedicate my time to being a full-time author of true crime and science fiction. As such, I need to expend a lot of excess humor that has been building up for some time.

This list, named for my nickname, The Buck List, all started with the infamous “Skippy List.”  The Infamous Skippy List  I decided, like this heroic figure, I needed to keep a list of things I was prohibited from doing.  That was ten years ago.  So the list is, well, comprehensive.

These are things I’m banned from doing, or have learned I shouldn’t do, or things I shouldn’t say aloud.  Some I’ve done – some I’ve only contemplated, others I’ve witnessed and thought, “I’d better not try that shit.”

Fair warning, there may be duplicates.  After around number 400 or so they start to blur together.  Some are inside jokes…I make no apologies.  Most are generic enough for everyone to enjoy, especially IT folks.

Feel free to share with anyone you think needs a laugh.  After ten years, the list has grown pretty long, so there is enough there to tide you over for some time.  Enjoy!

THE BUCK LIST

  1. I do not have the authority to stop, start, kill or create any technological deployment. I should though.
  2. I cannot include ‘kill all the bastards’ or ‘they should be lynched’ as part of any change plan.
  3. Telling project managers that they are defying the laws of physics, while entirely accurate, is not permissible behavior.
  4. Sound effects during presentations is a frowned upon.   (You do one crash and explosion and the world comes down on you…)
  5. Referring to the good old days as the good old days is a no-no…in the eyes of the current “leaders.”
  6. I do not have the authority to change my career ladder into a career escalator.  Sidebar:  Stop referring to a “career basement.”
  7. My career ladder does not include being CIO, CEO, Captain of the Starship Enterprise, or Emperor of the Universe.
  8. Pretending I’m on mute and mocking the speaker is considered inappropriate.

8a.  Using the middle finder to tell someone that they are number one while on camera is considered inappropriate.

  1. Whispering “Remember, thou art mortal” in the ear of any of the leadership team during their presentation is banned.
  2. I am not allowed to change knowledge database entries to all read, “Reboot the server or PC,’ as step 1
  3. There is no “God of Change.”  Wearing a toga doth not make it so.
  4. Impersonating Captain Picard on conference calls with the UK is not as funny as I like to think.
  5. When asked, “How will you make that change?” an appropriate response does not involve attaching electrical hookups to body parts and ‘giving them a shock or two.’
  6. No one wants to hear about ‘reality.’  (Good to know!)
  7. Saying ‘I told you so, I told you so, I told you so — you realize I was right all along’ is considered repetitive.
  8. I am to cease using the phrase, ‘When I am king…’ at the start of my meetings.
  9. Supergluing everything down to the desktop in the hotelling office space is a no-no.  For the record in a typical office this is a 2.3 tubes of Superglue task – verified at Ford Motor Company, Truck Operations IT Department in 1992 by yours truly.
  10. Using someone else’s Skype account to send funny messages to the rest of the department is considered a no-no.  Even if they forgot to secure their PC properly which technically IS a violation of security standards.  Still a no-no.
  11. Replacing the items in the supply cabinet with items found in the parking lot is not acceptable behavior.  This bad behavior has caused the New Jersey people to lose their cabinet space.  Repercussions Blaine, repercussions.
  12. Putting up police caution tape to turn the atrium elevator into my own personal lift is not permitted.
  13. Using sock puppets in lieu of PowerPoint is a banned activity.  Especially if the puppets are made to represent members of the leadership team…and done with their voices/accents.
  14. I do not have the authority to reorganize IT Services in my own image.
  15. Drawing pentagrams in the office atrium is not allowed.
  16. Putting up a sticky note in the cafeteria in front of the daily special on Sushi day that says, “That’s not fish…” isn’t as funny I liked to believe.  (I totally did this!)
  17. When your boss says he likes a “tuna roll” you should imply that it is a sexual phrase.  Funny yes, just not to him.
  18. Secretly altering the specifications for any application is a no-no.
  19. Playing the theme from Hogan’s Heroes in the background when you have a conference call with German staff is verboten.
  20. Insisting on changing your ID badge with a new photograph on each visit only serves to frustrate the security staff (which it was INTENDED TO DO.)
  21. When in New Jersey, I am not allowed to ask someone from Facilities to assist in creating an ID badge before 9am.  Even if you have a meeting you need to attend and the person is sitting at their desk doing nothing.  Do Not ASK.
  22. Rewaving your machine weekly does not make it run faster – it simply drives the support staff crazy.
  23. Selling firm-owned laser printers on eBay is not permitted.
  24. Labeling people’s personal possessions at work as “Basura” is in poor taste on at least two levels.
  25. I do not have the right to auction off Director’s parking places – even when they don’t use them.
  26. Replacing the road signs around the office is dangerous despite being funny.
  27. “Uh uh” is not valid rebuttal to a suggestion to change the plan.
  28. Light yellow font color on a white background, while technically branding compliant, is not appropriate.
  29. Just because you can make things a six point font does not mean that you should.
  30. I am not authorized to change the operating model of IT to make life easier for me.
  31. My SecurID Fob is not a piece of jewelry.  Definitely not an earring. (For one week I wore mine as a necklace. No one said anything.)
  32. The dress code apparently applies when you are working at home…and using video conferencing.
  33. Planning a coup de tat is not an accepted firm team building event.
  34. I will stop reminding the German staff we kicked their ass in the war.
  35. I will stop reminding the British that if it wasn’t for us, they would have gotten their ass kicked in the war. (See, equal abuse on both sides guys!)
  36. No one fully appreciates my impersonations in meetings or on conference calls.  Especially my impersonations of the leadership team.
  37. I am not allowed to perform Shakespeare in meetings to make a point. (Which I did!)
  38. Referring to the new college hires as “Snot Nosed College Pukes” is not a motivator for them – despite being accurate.
  39. My annual goals list is not supposed to be, “a work of creative fiction.”
  40. Reserving numerous meeting rooms I have no intention of using angers the locals.
  41. Booting someone out of their conference room by claiming I already have it booked (when I don’t) is only funny to me.
  42. Photographs of butt tattoos should not be submitted to be made branding compliant.
  43. I do not have a fireworks permit for NJ.  Even if I did, it doesn’t apply indoors.  Corollary:  Setting off fireworks in the men’s room is a less-than-acceptable response to all of the stalls being used.
  44. I am not allowed to operate my own personal company branding website.
  45. I may not change the firm’s tagline to “Quality in Whatever We Damn Well Say!”
  46. Or “Do what we say and you won’t get hurt.”
  47. Putting up fake tombstones in the office with the words, ‘People First” on them is not an acceptable behavior or Halloween decoration.
  48. I am not allowed to add or edit Values to the Firm’s Values List.
  49. Discussing politics at work purely to get people angry and upset is discouraged.
  50. Referring to leadership as “Drooling morons,” however accurate, is not allowed.  Nor is putting up posters that say the same thing.
  51. Erasing the phrase “Do Not Erase” from whiteboards in conference rooms on your way out of the building is a no-no.
  52. My change plan cannot have a workstream called “Fire the SOB’s!”
  53. I may not ask for a “Fortress of Solitude” as part of the workplace of the future.  Corollary:  I do not have permission to build my own Fortress of Solitude in any office.  Nor may I requisition parts for one.  I’m not even allowed to build a pillow fort.
  54. I will stop bringing up the need for jetpacks and flying cars as part of the workplace of the future.
  55. I will stop pointed out that the workplace of the future is just a scam to get us to work from home – something that was discouraged only a few years ago.
  56. Submitting requests in Service Now to decommission active applications is not an acceptable test of our processes – especially when it happens.
  57. Putting Out of Order signs on all of the restrooms in Secaucus is not appropriate social behavior.
  58. Attempting to organize a sing-along in the men’s room while conducting my personal business is a no-no.
  59. I will not use the word, “cute” to describe significant leadership-driven initiatives.  I will also not say things like, “It’s cute that you think it works that way…” or “How cute that you believe that…”  My definition of cute and the rest of the organizations is markedly different.
  60. I will stop maintaining a database of leadership incompetency’s – and stop posting graphs produced with said data.
  61. “Change management” does not imply that I have the authority to order someone to change their attitudes, personalities, or dispositions.  Putting it in a change plan is also not permitted.
  62. I am not allowed to write my annual goals in Klingon – or Romulan.  (Personally I think they lose something when translated to English, but that’s just me.)
  63. Just because someone chuckles, that does not mean what I said was correct/legal/appropriate.
  64. “Because I’m smarter than everyone else in the room,” is not a solid, tangible, business justification…despite being true.
  65. “You may be right, but that would be a first.” does not garner teaming. Yes, I did this.
  66. I will not explain how a deployment defies the laws of physics on a whiteboard.  I will also not label the diagram as, “Why your stupid deployment defies the laws of physics.”
  67. No one is amused when I say, “Our employees can’t read.”
  68. I will not use any non-American accents when responding to questions by staff in other countries.
  69. A change network does not have its own logo and theme music.
  70. “Armed enforcement squads,” are not a known change lever.
  71. Running to snitch on someone with the CIO is not demonstrating leadership.
  72. Dismantling a chair and Fed-exing the parts back to my home for reassembly is not a good use of my time.  It does, however, prove our mail room will package and ship just about anything. (I actually had this planned out at one point in time.)
  73. Building a fort out of office furnishings just outside of the cafeteria is not a team building event. Entrenching is also discouraged. “But think of the lives I’d be saving” is not a valid excuse.
  74. Just because the supply cabinet door is open, it is not an invitation to rearrange the items to confuse my colleagues.
  75. I will not record and play my own music for the background of conference calls.  Also sound effects are also banned.
  76. Whoopie cushions in the guest waiting area at reception, while funny, is to be admonished.
  77. Resetting the heights of every chair in the office at night is in poor taste. (I did the entire 4th floor two days in a row.)
  78. Bringing my own toilet paper with me to the restroom, while more comforting, is considered inappropriate and unfair to the other poor souls who use that single-ply, double-grit material passed off as toilet paper.
  79. Installing my own vending machines, especially those in the bathroom, is prohibited.
  80. Asking for definitions, then snickering, is disrespectful (allegedly).
  81. A “Blue on Green Attack” is not a change strategy.
  82. Altering the daily lunch special sign with the words “Cat” or “Soylent Green” outside the cafeteria is not permitted.
  83. “I’m sorry you believe that,” is not the same as an apology.  Nor is, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” or, “I’m sorry your sense of reality is so out of alignment.”  (For the record, they all start with, “I’m sorry…”)
  84. I cannot have an annual goal to “Kill the senior leadership and assume control of the organization.”
  85. I need to stop suggesting that a time machine is the best solution to our many issues.
  86. When someone makes a mistake I should not point out that in feudal Japan, they would have killed themselves to preserve honor.
  87. I do not have the authority to form an Away Team.
  88. Yelling, “Set phasers on kill!” does not end the debate.
  89. I am not allowed to formulate my own resourcing strategy.
  90. I cannot institute a dress code for IT Services based on the classic Star Trek TV series.  Nor can I designate the cloud engineering team as, “The Red Shirts”
  91. The CIO is not “The Head Weenie” nor “Queen of the Weenies”
  92. I will not assign myself or my colleagues call-signs ala Top Gun.   I am not “Stud-Muffin” nor is my manager “Chrome-Dome”
  93. My office is not to be referred to as “The bridge” or “The CIC.”
  94. There is no job description for “Self-Appointed Morale Officer” that the firm considers valid.
  95. Quoting Star Trek, while perfectly relevant, is lost on those that don’t watch the series.
  96. I will stop telling people I’m clairvoyant.
  97. Other people in the room are slightly insulted when I say things like, “I’m not smart, I just look that why compared with my peers.”
  98. Putting out of order signs on all of the vending machines as a form of protest irritates the locals.
  99. I will stop referring to the staff in Secaucus as ‘The locals.”  I will also stop calling them, “My Merry Men.”

107a.    I will stop referring to the Secaucus office as ‘the swamps of NJ’ even though it is in a Bruce Springsteen song.

  1. The Cleveland office staff does not like being referred to as, “The Mistake On the Lake”
  2. I need to stop referring to the senor leaders as ‘Our Mensa Society Chapter.”  I can only assume the Mensa people were offended…
  3. I will stop requisitioning hardware to build my own working model of the Death Star.
  4. “Basura” is only supposed to be labeled on trash – not everything in someone’s office (who knew?)  A Corollary rule:  Just because you have access to two pads of sticky notes and a pen does not mean you need to use them labeling things in people’s offices.
  5. The mail room is not my personal valet service.  For the record, they’re not good at it anyway.
  6. No one has commissioned me to see how many pages the printer can print before jamming.  Such experiments on hardware are not permitted.
  7. Replacing the dry erase markers with Sharpees is prohibited.
  8. Stocking conference rooms with only dried out dry erase markers is cruel and unusual.
  9. Chair Racing is not an office Olympic Event.  In fact, there are NO Office Olympics.  That includes the stapler toss, the 50 yard office streaking competition, or “the number of people we can fit into this JIT,” event.
  10. I do not have the power to choke people like Darth Vadar and should stop going through the gestures during meetings where I disagree with the speaker.  I should also not say, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
  11. Random numbers a charge code doth not make.
  12. When ordering office supplies, “one of each” is not an acceptable order.
  13. The Staples catalog is the only accepted source for ordering supplies.  Government auctions, eBay, and army surplus stores are not considered firm-related suppliers
  14. Calling the INS to the office to scare the cleaning staff is in poor taste and potentially illegal.
  15. Posting employees resume’s on Monster.comin hopes they will get an offer and leave is tacky.  Writing up their resume’s in the first place is ‘presumptive.’
  16. Voodoo dolls of the staff are not permitted in the workplace.  Nor am I to be selling them on ESTY.
  17. The “workplace of the future” does not include waterboarding.
  18. I do not have the authority to execute my own fire drill by pulling the fire alarm.
  19. I will not pay people to pull the fire alarm so that I can get off of a boring conference call.
  20. I will not say, “Roger” every time someone speaks to me on a conference call.
  21. I do not have permission to conduct my own psychological experiments on the staff in Secaucus (or any other office) even if they are ‘in the name of science.’
  22. I may not attach my own cables/locks to people’s PC’s while they are at lunch without their permission.
  23. Doing mime impersonations from a JIT to those that walk by is not helping my career.
  24. Doing my daily run in the office because it is raining outside is not permitted – even though Crazy Jane did it.
  25. Beans + slow-moving-elevator = a combination I’m not allowed to make.
  26. Setting up my own toy donation box at Christmas in the cafeteria is in poor taste and potentially illegal.
  27. When traveling to NJ, I will not paint my face to match that of Mel Gibson during Braveheart.
  28. I will stop trying to convince my Italian co-workers that Olive Garden is Italian Food. Paul actually threatened me once when I did this.
  29. I will stop referring to my Italian co-workers as “Snooki” …especially the men…especially Paul.
  30. Bringing and tuning my bagpipes in the office is not an effective use of my time – nor is there a charge code for that. True story…
  31. There is no “bring a homeless person to work” day in the firm.
  32. Submitting our office to “Flip this House” was not appropriate.
  33. Just because I own the right set of tools for dismantling and reassembling cubicles, does not mean that I have the authority to do so.
  34. If I’m going to check my iPad for personal mail, watch a movie, or play a game – it is best to not do so on a video conference call.
  35. Nap time ended in kindergarten.
  36. Peanut butter or Vaseline and the earpiece of a telephone are not a combination I’m allowed to make.  (I might add that this is very humorous in a shared hotelling office).
  37. Calling my peers “terrorists” is wrong.  Giving their names to Homeland Security is too.
  38. I will not refer to my manager as ‘el Gringo’  ‘el Gringo’ is not Spanish for ‘The balding man.”
  39. My UK colleagues don’t like to be called, “a bunch of wankers” especially when I do it with a cockney accent.
  40. I will stop using the phrase, “my alleged peers…”
  41. I have not, nor will I ever, be in line to be “Lord-God King and Sovereign of the firm.”  I am also not allowed to use this in my signature block to, ‘test it out.’
  42. I may not invite organizations to take part in EY Connect Day.
  43. I may not wear a kilt in the office as part of dress attire.  I must further not wear the traditional undergarment (nothing), and, to drive this point home, I am not allowed to cross my legs while wearing a kilt.
  44. Asking any director what their IQ is, is inappropriate.   So is asking, “Really?!” when they provide an answer.  Also banned, “No Way!”  and “Wow did I lose that bet!” Corollary:  Organizing a betting pool and collecting money on ‘how long you think this person will last’ is not chargeable time and negatively impacts my utilization.
  1. I do not have signature authority for the eight foot sub sandwich for Subway.
  2. Underwear is not a miscellaneous expense.  I cannot claim it as a business expense because, “When I heard the plan it scared the shit out of me.”  Corollary:  The employees who process my expense reports are not amused with my sense of humor.  Additional Corollary:  I do not get points for creativity on my travel expense report nor does this qualify as an annual goal.
  3. Hanging a picture of me at the beach in front of the camera during a video conference call apparently demonstrates a lack of respect. For the record, it took two weeks before someone figured it out.
  4. I will stop accusing the network engineers of running porn sites on our servers.
  5. Information Security does not have a sense of humor and I should stop looking to try and find it.
  6. I will stop referring to my time with the government as, “When I worked for “The Agency”” This is so true…I was asked just a month ago if it was true that I worked for the CIA before the firm. “I can’t discuss my former employment…” is a great counter to this question.
  7. Sporks are not playthings – they are especially not catapults for things I grabbed at the salad bar.
  8. I am not in charge of creating new acronyms at work.
  9. The looting of office supplies is to be done with some degree of discretion.  Posts describing the thefts to Facebook and Twitter are not discreet.
  10. I will not attempt to use the Jedi mind-trick to get out of work assignments.  “This is not the change manager you are looking for…”
  11. No one in the office is “Part of the rebel alliance.”  There are, however, stormtroopers.
  12. The Europeans do not understand the North American Redneck…so any such references are to be terminated from my vocabulary – ya’all.
  13. A PIP is not the same thing as a PIMP.
  14. Releasing wild animals in the atrium is banned.
  15. New Jersey is not, “one of the known gateways to hell.”   Nor is Cleveland.
  16. Stop telling Applications Engineering that, “You guys put the W in Quality.”  They will never understand that joke.
  17. Leaving suspicious packages in the cafeteria and atrium is inappropriate.
  18. I am not Superman and should not wear a cape at work…despite the fact that it is stylish.  This includes my own homemade capes made from Hyatt bath towels.
  19. The Eastern Europeans are not “gypsies out to steal your children!”
  20. “Being technically brain dead,” is not a hiring qualification. (I still contend it moves you higher on the promotion list.)
  21. I will stop offering to loan my spine to managers who can’t commit or make up their minds.  Apparently one of them actually got the joke.  (I know, it shocked me too!)
  22. The New Jersey staff do not like me referring to Atlanta as, ‘the new center of the IT universe.”
  23. There is no charge code for updating my Facebook status and I should stop asking for it.
  24. Hazing is not part of employee orientation.
  25. I will not purposely steal people’s waiting car service vehicles to get to the airport.  For the record, the first time I did this it was an “accident.”
  26. The correct answer is “Yes, I did pack my bags myself.”   TSA people are not trained to identify when someone is joking.
  27. Responding to emails in Pig Latin is otna lowedna.
  28. I was not on the grassy knoll the day Kennedy was shot and should stop claiming I was.
  29. Having a nightmare about work does not allow me to bill that time against a charge code.
  30. “One shot, one kill,” is not a good response to how I would suggest fixing the problem.
  31. The desk staff at the Embassy Suites do not like it when you mention the suicide/jumper there.  The staff working at the food court hate it more since that’s where he hit.
  32. An “End-User Journey” is not us pushing them down a flight of stairs.
  33. “Serial Arsonist” is not an end point on my career ladder.
  34. I will not refer to the TSA screeners at Newark Airport as, “Barney and Andy.”  Apparently they don’t find this humorous.
  35. I am not allowed to dig a tunnel under the wire.
  36. It is not my job to test the security of the firm’s network.
  37. “I told you so!” does not foster teaming.
  38. There is no “Thunder Cloud,” “Rain-Cloud,” or “Hail-Cloud.”  There’s only THE Cloud.  All hail The Cloud.
  39. All references to “Hitler” or “Mussolini are prohibited on employee morale calls.
  40. I will stop smiling when the news is bad.
  41. I will stop laughing when the news is REALLY bad.
  42. When in the x-ray machine at the airport, with my hands over my head, I will not shake my hips like a male stripper.  Again, TSA has no sense of humor.
  43. I’m not authorized to hold my own beauty pageants at work. Corollary:  No one shows up to see the swimsuit competition – go figure.  Hats off the Paul for winning last year! Way to sport that Speedo.
  44. I will stop referring to the organization chart as “A rough guideline.”
  45. The people who attend technology fairs are not “technology fairies”
  46. When someone says, “I expect more from you Blaine,” the correct response is not, “Welcome to the party pal.”
  47. I will stop asserting that employee policy can violate the laws of physics.
  48. I will no longer invite random people to instant meetings – nor graph their responses.
  49. Firm security does not have a policy that allows me to create my own ciphers and codes for emails.
  50. I am not allowed to declare random hard stops to meetings. (Example:  “I have a 1:23pm hard stop.”)
  51. When I ask obvious questions I need to be aware that someone on the call is being mocked (by me).
  52. Bringing in “Danger Radiation” caution tape to the office and using it on the doors to the server rooms impedes productivity.
  53. No one is amused with my chalk outlines of dead bodies on the carpet.
  54. The cleaning staff is not employed to be a source of amusement for me.
  55. Relocating someone one cubicle to the right after hours is a no-no.
  56. Calling in a bomb threat to give the office a break is not a wise move – and the Department of Homeland Security is not amused.
  57. The summer interns are not “lambs for the slaughter.”
  58. I am not to take calls while in the bathroom.  Likewise I am not to tell people where I’m taking the call from.
  59. I will not use my connections to have people from work added to the Do Not Fly list right before their vacation.
  60. I do not have a budget in my non-official role of Chief Morale Officer.
  61. I will not sponsor a contest of “Things that rhyme with JIT.”
  62. I will stop calling the Secaucus Office “The Swamp”
  63. I will stop pretending that my phone is on mute to cover for me saying bad things about the people on the call.  (I will NOT apologize for it however).
  64. I did not “summon” Hurricane Sandy to destroy New York and New Jersey.
  65. “Alchemy” is not the answer to a deployment-related problem.
  66. IT Services does not create the Blue Screen of Death to keep our Techs employed.
  67. I will not stencil “Reserved” on parking spaces at random in the employee lot just so I have a place to park.
  68. There is no charge code for a Starbucks run.
  69. I am not “The Encryption Officer,” and no such role exists in IT Services.
  70. The London team is not to be referred to as the “Lords and Ladies.”  Nor is their leader to be called, “Your Lordship.” or ‘The Court Jester’  (In fairness, I was being sarcastic…)
  71. I am not permitted to build or name my own Cloud.
  72. When posed with the question, “What you are working on?” an inappropriate answer is, “Calculating the amount of explosives needed to take down the Jersey office building.”
  73. When filling out the Green Building Survey, I will not respond to the question, “How many miles did you drive into the office today?” with “None, I can fly.”
  74. There is no contest to the amount of office supplies I can steal and stuff into my backpack.  There are also no prizes for this (beyond the stuff in my backpack).
  75. When asked by a partner if I think it’s appropriate to bring a Pepsi product when we have Coke as a major client; the proper response is not:  “You can have my Diet Mountain Dew when you can peel my cold dead fingers from around the can.”  Also not acceptable is the shortened version, “Fuck off.”
  76. I will not use rolled or lose coins smaller than quarters to pay for my McLean parking for the day.  The parking staff and the people behind me do not find it entertaining.
  77. I will not loudly moan erotically when getting my free flu shot at the office.
  78. The Enterprise Plan was not drawn up on a placemat at IHOP and I should stop telling people that.
  79. I will not refer to parking lot flooding at the NJ office as “Lake McCreadie,” or “Lake Osborn” Both of them lack a sense of humor.
  80. There is no contest as to how much abuse I can inflict on a rental car – even a Chrysler.
  81. I am not authorized to put up my own signage – especially if it is funny.
  82. Asking the security people “How would you handle a bomb threat?” is inappropriate and I do not technically have need of that information.  These folks like a sense of humor almost as much as the TSA.
  83. Pointing out that the technology everyone is counting on currently doesn’t exist, only serves to piss leaders off.
  84. The project timeline is a not a “crazy-ass guess.”  Keeping track of how many times the project deadline has been changes is only entertaining to those in the US
  85. Laughing at stupid ideas is not considered to be people-friendly, no matter how much the chuckling is deserved.
  86. Having firearms hanging up on display behind me during video conference calls is intimidating to some, frightening to others.  My LAW (Light Anti-Tank Weapon) is a bit over the top. (True story)
  87. I am not a Ninja (but I may have Ninja-like abilities.)
  88. No software deployment can cause a rift in the space-time continuum.
  89. I will stop referring to “The Cloud” as if it were a person.  Example: “I wonder what the Cloud thinks about this timing?”
  90. I “ain’t no hollar back girl.”
  91. I will stop calling our IT strategy, “Whack-A-Mole.”
  92. The Dependency Report has nothing to do with drugs.
  93. There is no IT Services Fundraising Committee nor am I allowed to sponsor bake sales, cake walks, or other revenue generating activities using the committee’s name.
  94. Planting marijuana in the flower beds in the Secaucus office atrium is mostly illegal.  In fact, planting anything in the atrium is prohibited.  So is putting up scarecrows.  Write it down.
  95. I need to start talking about my “career.”  It’s a fictional character at best.
  96. I will not steal Cushman Carts at Newark International Airport.  In my defense, the airline shouldn’t have changed the gate to the other end of the concourse AND they shouldn’t have left the keys in the Cushman.  Note:  TSA does more than frown at this behavior – IF they catch you! (True Story: The Business Trip) The Business Trip From Hell
  97. The Cloud does not move with the wind.
  98. The change plan does not consist of a sign that says, “Keep Calm and Carry On.”
  99. The leaders do not like to be corrected, told they are wrong, laughed at, or have their authority questioned.  They especially hate it if you do all of this in the first five minutes of a meeting.
  100. Using quotes from Dr. Who and/or Star Trek does not solidify people’s confidence in me and should be refrained from.
  101. Things left on a white board are not invitations for me to edit as I see fit.  (I once added three redundant steps to a support model someone left up with a “Do Not Erase” line.  I also edited a networking diagram once and it stayed that way for at least a month.)   Corollary:  I am not a network engineer nor should I pretend to be one.
  102. The program manager was not “recently released from an asylum.”  Well, not that I could prove. Evidence is still pending.
  103. I do not, nor will I ever have, “Evil Minions to do my bidding.”  This includes flying monkeys.   I also may not include them in my resource requests or on my staffing plans.
  104. I do not score points for creativity when filling out my Global People Survey.
  105. Pointing out that I was right a year ago on the topic at hand does not advance the conversation.
  106. I will stop ending my calls with, “A Lannister Always Pays His Debts.”
  107. My answer to a proposed solution (regardless of the level of stupidity) should not start with, “Yeah, and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt…”
  108. I cannot call everyone on the conference call, “Dude.”  Nor am I to use that when calling American Express Travel Services.
  109. I may not call in an airstrike on my position as a way of deflecting discussion.
  110. My intimate knowledge of the internal workings and yields of nuclear warheads is not appropriate office conversation.  It makes folks a wee bit edgy.
  111. I am not allowed to use a time machine to solve the problems with the current project/program.   I am also requested to not tell people I have a time machine, it makes them nervous.
  112. The purpose of the Mercury program has nothing to do with opening the gates of hell.
  113. I cannot base my plans on the Mayan calendar.
  114. I am not an Admiral, General or Field Marshal.  I am not to ask people to address me with those titles at work.
  115. I will not eat my own dog food.  Nor am I to serve it to others during team lunches.
  116. Putting a sport coat on over my Captain America T-Shirt does not dress me up enough for a video conference.
  117. The networking lab is not a cover for a Meth lab.  Note:  The New Jersey State Police requested I add this one to my list.  PS.  That raid was awesome.
  118. “Opening a can of whoop ass,” is not a deliverable on my change plan.
  119. Not ALL contractors are “blood sucking ticks.”   (I am keeping a list, however, of those that are.)
  120. Taping signs to the NJ office windows facing outward that say, “I’m being held hostage!  Contact police!” is not acceptable behavior on my part.
  121. I may not reserve a conference room for one year (Did this while in Tax – brilliant!  It took them four months to figure out what I had done. )
  122. The OSS staff do not like to be referred to as “Uncle Ernie’s Geek Squad.”
  123. I need to stop referring to EY as “Uncle Ernie.” I took that one as a strong suggestion.
  124. I will not swap out the free breath freshener (mouth wash) in the McLean men’s room with tequila and green food coloring.  Putting up the video of people using this on YouTube is also highly discouraged.
  125. I may not requisition office supplies and use the Justification field to read:  “For the Zombie Apocalypse.”
  126. EY Connect Day is not an employee dating service.  Telling the new hires that’s what the day is for is prohibited.
  127. I will not impersonate an authorized elevator repairperson.
  128. I am not to have more than three axis to any graphical representation in PowerPoint.  (This limits trans-dimensional concepts and most of the Methodology teams’ materials)
  129. My plan cannot assume that in another multi-verse there is someone smarter who will be brought in to clean up the mess in this universe.   “The assumptions in your plan are not a playground for your imagination…”
  130. My definition of “End User Experience” is incorrect (according to everyone in IT Services).
  131. I will not refer to a change network as a “coven.”
  132. I will not preface a question to my new leader with, “Now that your honeymoon period is over…”  True story.
  133. I should stop referring to my writing career as “The career I actually care about.”
  134. Referring to my colleagues as, “people who are marginally competent,” is not the compliment I intended it to be (hey, I used the word competent!)
  135. I will not test Andy Walsh’s theory that you can fire off a cannon in the hall and not hit anyone before 8am in the Secaucus office.  Personally, I think it’s a matter of aim…
  136. “Bazinga!” is not an acceptable response to questions about my change strategy.
  137. I should stop quoting Machiavelli on conference calls.  Apparently no one takes these references as positive suggestions.
  138. My happy dance does not translate well on a conference call.
  139. Wearing the cowboy hat to “liven up” a video conference call is inappropriate attire.
  140. So is wearing coveralls with no shirt. (I swear I can’t seem to please anyone some days!)
  141. The employee assistance program cannot answer philosophical questions.
  142. The employee assistance program cannot answer complex math questions.
  143. The employee assistance program is not my personal valet (Hey, it says “assist” – doesn’t that make you my assistant?)
  144. The employee assistance program is not a suicide prevention hotline and do not appreciate such prank calls (this includes asking them for escort services in the area, attempting to rent a tank, or asking how to purchase blimp rides.)
  145. Answering in the form of a riddle is not funny.
  146. I will not attempt to upload my own select videos to the elevators in Five Times Square.
  147. There is no contest to come up with things that include the CIO’s name.  Examples;   MOron, MOrtified, MOved, MOrbid, MOllified, MOrale, EMOtional, etc..  (This all started with an email from the Comms team – so technically, THEY started it.)
  148. My conference calls do not require my own customized soundtrack playing in the background. Corollary:  It is not funny to have someone sing ‘All by Myself’ in the background while hosting the ‘Working Virtually in IT’ discussion call.
  1. Referencing my “Evil Plan” makes some people jittery and I am to cease this immediately.
  2. My self-evaluation is not a platform for me to present how I would reorganize IT Services.  It is also not a political platform, nor is it a place for me to float up sample chapters of books I am writing.
  3. Starting a conference call with an evil laugh, “Muahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!” is forbidden.
  4. Calling someone out as a “liar!” does not smooth things over.
  5. Playing the Dr. Who theme music to introduce the UK conference call attendees is insensitive (and totally awesome!)
  6. The Eureka! Contest is not a platform for me to make fun of others.  (Those nap pod suggestions provided many minutes of entertainment.)
  7. The department should not be referred to as “Our little Game of Thrones.”
  8. I will not test the Emergency Response phone number every day to make sure it’s working.
  9. I will not provide internal auditors with my “Chart of Leadership Inadequacies” and the supporting 42 page appendix.
  10. I will not threaten or follow-through on forming an employee union. Further, I do not have the authority to call for a strike.  Despite the cool sounding name “International Brotherhood of IT Professionals” it is considered to be in poor taste to suggest such a formation.
  11. During an evacuation of the building I will not bring food or beverages into the stairwell out.  (We actually have this as a rule!)
  12. It is not in my prevue to dramatically alter strategic programs – even when I am right – which is often.
  13. I have limited authority to delegate upward – but it is not due to lack of trying.
  14. I need to stop saying ‘What can they do to me, give me a 3 rating’ when discussing an approach to work.
  15. I am not authorized to submit lists of departments to be outsourced.
  16. While it may be fun, I should not play ‘Save the Firm Money’ by making a list of those whose work I question
  17. The cafeteria is not my private science lab.  Corollary:  Diet Coke, Menthos, and the cafeteria are not a permissible combination.
  18. My job title is not:  “Semi-Professional Astronaut,” “Castration Specialist,” “Career Assassin,” or “Mercenary Thug.”
  19. I am to stop questioning our new strategy by pointing out its obvious flaws.
  20. The education budget is not designed for me to test its limitations and exceptions.
  21. I will stop suggesting that I am on performance enhancing drugs at work.  Corollary:  Caffeine is not an IT-used performance enhancing drug.
  22. My midyear review is not a platform for advocating “the violent overthrow of the Corporate Overlords.”
  23. The universe is not my plaything.  Nor is the staff meeting.
  24. I will not make everyone recite the Oath of the Night Watch (from Game of Thrones) to kick off my status calls.
  25. Taking time composing drinking songs about technology deployments is not billable hours to the project.
  26. I am not allowed to announce deployment dates until we are 100% sure we can hit those dates…which means after the fact.
  27. I do not have the authority to set up my own performance management system.  And it cannot include “Acts of Personal Bravery,” “Self-Sacrifice,” or personal ratings using my own “Stupid-o-meter.”  I cannot set up ratings based on the terrorist alert color index.  “You are currently an elevated threat Karen…”
  28. I will not suggest that there is a project hymnal when someone says we need to be on the same hymn sheet.  I will also not say that song #390 is Amazing Disgrace.  (This actually came up on a call.)
  29. I do not have the authority to form a jury – nor am I a judge.  I cannot pass sentence on my colleagues.
  30. I will not use sock puppets to describe deployments.  Especially not flaming sock puppets.
  31. My holistic view of the universe does not necessarily have me placed in the center of it.
  32. I may not start referring to myself with a “Double Oh” number, ie. 007.  I do not have a license to kill, maim, lead revolutions, or set up peer-to-peer networks.
  33. I may not send out a “bouquet of turds,” to the communications manager who makes such stupid mistakes.
  34. The phrase “Techtard” is insensitive in describing some of our managers who can’t use technology.
  35. I do not have the authority to grant or deny diplomatic recognition to any country’s IT team.
  36. When someone tells me how they are going to measure their deployment, laughing at them is not the best response I should be able to muster.
  37. I will not scream, “Power to the people,” during a call about potential layoffs.
  38. “I wouldn’t do that shit if I were you,” is not a proactive comment on my behalf.
  39. The career-framework does not allow you access to the “career shit-tank.”  Also, I will stop making things to add onto the career framework.
  40. The company location strategy is not “that annoying little thing you can just ignore.”
  41. When I say “I trust him as far as I could throw him,” I shouldn’t attempt to demonstrate that principle.
  42. I will not craft my own criteria for layoffs.
  43. Spreading rumors about new technology hub locations (i.e. Pigsknuckle Arkansas) is funny only to me.
  44. I will not build a still on firm time.  I am not a bootlegger or rum-runner.  I will not sample my output under the auspices that it is ‘quality control.’  I will not label my moonshine as “Uncle Ernie’s Fire Water,” and use the beam logo on the label.
  45. Suggesting that, “the team in _______ has their heads shoved up their asses,” does not get them to fall into line behind my plan (though for the record, no one offered a rebuttal.)
  46. I am not to accept money for Linkedin endorsements.
  47. I will stop holding betting pools to determine when people will quit the _____ program.  Nor will I advertise these pools on social media sites.
  48. I will not commit acts of genocide or planetary destruction just because the opportunity presents itself.
  49. I will not impersonate Mel Gibson – from any of his movies.  When my manager asked “what do you want?” I will not yell, ‘Freedom!”   Sidebar: My manager is quick to point out that she is not authorized to grant freedom.
  50. Referring to a plan as “delusional” doesn’t cheer anyone up on the call.
  51. I will not attempt to find gaps in plans that I don’t have access to (Example:  location strategy)
  52. The OTJ Coaching Inquiry – Have you received on-the-job coaching? survey is not  a plaything for me to voice my opinions on leadership, strategy, or technologies.
  53. There is no prize for being named Top Innovator.
  54. I will not conduct informal polls, surveys, or focus groups without informal (imaginary) authorization.
  55. I do not have the authorization to call a meeting of all of the counselors.
  56. I will stop implying that I know “who’s on the list” when it comes to location strategy.
  57. I am not to point out the stupidity of renaming a project after we’ve already started deployment and communications. Note:  It doesn’t change the fact that it is IS stupid – I’m just not to point it out.
  58. I will at least pretend that the communications team leader has some degree of authority or commands respect.  Stress “pretend.”
  59. I will not play the theme to the Benny Hill Show in the background during conference calls.
  60. I will stop creating acronyms to deliberately confuse my colleagues.
  61. I will stop referencing teams or departments that don’t exist.  Example:  The Networking infrastructure Ad-Hoc Design Committee or The Global Operating Model Advisory Council.   (Frankly, these fictitious names only added to my credibility in meetings.)
  62. There is a three-time limit on telling people on conference calls who dial in with mobile phones or Lync that their connection sucks.  If they don’t get it after three times, they won’t get it on the fourth.  Also mimicking them with fake static every other third word is also considered socially unacceptable.  I think this is a good strategy.
  63. I will not establish change networks without some authorization from someone.  Note:  Apparently silence is not an authorization – go figure…
  64. I do not have a license to keep the IT leaders up to speed with everything I’m doing.  They apparently don’t care.
  65. I am not allowed to create my own bank holidays.
  66. I am to cease reporting how many days since the last management change on the status report.
  67. I do not have my own Target Operating Model.  Charting it doesn’t make it real.
  68. I will not give Marketing 101 lessons on Branding to the Communications Team – even if they need it.
  69. I will not review the new directors list, compare with others and say ‘Are you freaking kidding me?’
  70. I will not publish my own version of the new directors list with people that SHOULD have been made director in the last year.
  71. I do not have permission to let things fail just for the fun of it.
  72. Suggesting that some leaders are “Alzheimer’s patients,” however accurate, is inappropriate.
  73. I will not bring up Archiving of email – ever.
  74. I will not explain the phrase “On-Prem” as “On Premises” because we all know it isn’t.
  75. Other team mates do not like being reminded that their choices of Germany and South Africa for pilot countries was not recommended.
  76. I will stop attempting to determine the “as-is” state of anything because no one can seem to define it.
  77. I will not “seize control” of our team’s SharePoint site.  I will not put up my own counter SharePoint site as a rebuttal.
  78. I will not Google “EY” images to laugh at the naked men.  (really this happened!)
  79. I acknowledge that I am not the right person to fulfill the role of career counselor.
  80. I will not suggest that the M&C program stands for “Mismanaged and Cluster-Fucked.”
  81. Budgetary questions are not to be answered with limericks, dirges, or riddles.
  82. Questioning reorganizations is never fully appreciated, especially when the question is, “But how does this reorg actually solve this problem?”
  83. It’s not about me being smarter – it’s about me pointing it out, that’s an issue.
  84. I will stop agreeing with people simply to confuse them.
  85. I am not a “Sexy Boy” and dancing does not make it so.
  86. I am not on the college recruitment team.
  87. I will not rewrite the firm’s Respect at Work course.
  88. People don’t respond positively when I use a phrase like “The obvious flaws of your plan are as follows…”
  89. Hysterical laughter is apparently an inappropriate response when a screwed up project or program tanks or is put on indefinite hold.  (Good to know I guess).
  90. When I say “…with due respect…” does not allow me to say whatever is rattling around in my mind at that moment.
  91. I will not point out that just because someone has no track record of success with our firm that it is probable they will fail going forward – even when they prove me correct.
  92. I will stop using the word “retard” in regards to my co-workers.  Apparently it’s offensive…to retarded people. I get that.
  93. My job description does not provide me with “phenomenal cosmic powers!”
  94. I will not use the word “Omnipotent” in my job description.
  95. I will not use the phrase “Slave to The Man” in my job description.
  96. One of my skills in my job description is NOT “the ability to manipulate time and space.”
  97. I will not requisition a TARDIS as office supplies.  The Business Support Center doesn’t watch Dr. Who and will actually attempt to order one.
  98. I will not post pictures of the Death Star under construction and use the tag line “Building Better Working Worlds.”
  99. I will not list as references the number of friends I have on Facebook.
  100. I am not to apply for jobs that are at least three levels above my current level.
  101. I will stop displaying enjoyment because the entire network is down.  Also “I told you so,” is not supportive in this instance.
  102. The purpose of focus groups is not for me to give ulcers to the HR facilitator.  Duly Noted.
  103. I am not authorized to create a pilot test of anything.
  104. I will not over-communicate to IT about any technology deployment.
  105. When booted off a project, I will not pout for a week about it (three days – tops)
  106. It is inappropriate to moon someone on a conference call even if they are not using video.
  107. I will keep my feedback to less than eight pages.
  108. It’s not a drive-by-shooting if it’s true. I’m to stop doing it anyway.
  109. Writing a book on a subject does not make you the expert on that topic except in the real world.
  110. I will not travel to a snow-state in February.  Amended:  I will not travel in February.
  111. I will not pretend to be on mute.
  112. I will not pretend to be off mute.
  113. I will not tell the new person that the prefix 999 on my conference calling ID delineates me as a Partner in the firm.
  114. I will not make up mock secret projects and claim info security is working on them.  Example:  The Tachyon Firewall Inhibitor Program or the Subatomic Data Packaging Devices Project (the SDPDP).
  115. People don’t want to hear how Span of Control is an artificial and unscientific concept with no basis in reality.  They just want the magic number of people that should be reporting to them.
  116. The magic number is not 42.
  117. Or 3
  118. The change network calls are not my personal plaything.
  119. No one is interested in how I would approach outsourcing.
  120. I will not reorganize the Operations Group because “they had it coming.”
  121. I will not refer to our internal accounting system as “Satannic.”
  122. The CTO is not out to get me, despite the growing body of evidence.  (Note: This investigation remains open.)
  123. It is not part of my job to prove which IT leaders are incompetent.  It is also not my job to track that information or produce graphs about them.
  124. I will not refer to projects or programs as “Doomed” when they are first announced.  According to one person, “No one wants to hear that shit.”  Corollary:  There is no waiting period before I can use the word “doomed” either.  I have to wait until it actually fails, which doesn’t seem fair.
  125. I will stop pretending to not hear stupid things simply to make an idiot repeat it out loud.  “I missed that, could you say it again?”  It has been pointed out that it is mean.
  126. I will not refer to targeting errors during deployments as “we’re simply over-delivering to the wrong audience.”
  127. Some things are not product promotions and it’s not up to me to determine which is which.
  128. I do not have psychic abilities.  I am not to demonstrate them during team calls.
  129. SMU’s have nothing to do with Southern Methodist University.
  130. During reorganizations I will not map people to “The Black Hole” or “Special Projects”
  131. I will not tease the kids assigned to Special Projects.  They aren’t smart enough to understand.
  132. I don’t agree to disagree.  I’m right.  Deal with it.
  133. Not all short people have a Napoleon Complex…just short male directors in the IT Department.
  134. Rating comb-overs during a meeting is a sign I need to leave the room.
  135. I will not refer to the budgeting process as “witchcraft.”
  136. Being asked for feedback is not a license for me to be creative and obnoxious.
  137. The Location Strategy is not my personal plaything.
  138. I am not authorized to create new roles in the organization such as:  “Nuthouse Operations Director”  “Weapons Specialist”  “Douche-Bag Delivery” “Platform Terraformer”
  139. Just because I draw dotted lines on org charts doesn’t mean that those people actually report to me.
  140. I will stop asking for real-life examples of Big Data.  I get it – there are none.
  141. I do not have the authority to brand things.
  142. I do not know the winning lottery numbers.
  143. I cannot make my books required reading for the IT staff.  (though they SHOULD be).
  144. Yammer is not a toy.
  145. Over-delivering and Under-delivering are not the same thing and are not interchangeable.
  146. I do not own the keys to “the Special Projects short bus.”
  147. I do not have the authority to draft my own criteria for the Chairman’s Value Award.
  148. They do not hand out Chairman’s Value Awards in boxes of cereal and implying that is inappropriate – especially to the winners.
  149. Laughing out-loud during a conference call when someone is covering their ass may not be the best response.
  150. When working on a town hall presentation I will not turn it into a comedy routine.
  151. Deliberately picking teaming events that might injure one of my managers (then telling him I’m doing it) is not being considerate.
  152. Summoning Cthulu will not “streamline processes.”
  153. “Breaking Bad” is not our business model.
  154. I will not play the Game of Thrones theme music in the background when meeting with the L1’s. Addendum:  I am not to play any theme music in the background of calls.
  155. Ouija boards do not play a part in the annual review process.  Nor do they factor in on the budgeting process.
  156. I will not give my status report in Shakespearian prose – such as the St. Crispin’s Day speech.
  157. “Supreme Overlord” is not part of my job title and I should stop adding it.
  158. The email signature block is not a toy for my personal amusement.
  159. Creating skill categories that don’t exist (i.e., Warp Field Engineer, Temporal Agent, etc.) in my Sharepoint People Profile is misleading and damages my credibility with others…not that I care.
  160. I will not imply I have a terminal disease to avoid work assignments.
  161. I will not rename the Mercury environments after sci fi planets no matter how funny and appropriate it is.
  162. I will not refer to job assignments as “Snipe Hunts.”
  163. I will stop introducing the new accounting system with the tag line:  “From the team that brought you M&C two-and-a-half years late…”
  164. The Campus Hire Program is not to be referred to as “The Fresh Meat for the Grinder Program.”
  165. I will not sue clients of the firm unless they owe me a LOT of money.  (He he he)
  166. I will moderate my use of British understatement.
  167. I will not co-teach a session with anyone when we tells me he’s started to review the material 15 minutes prior to the class. (Thanks Douchebag)
  168. I will not offer unsolicited executive coaching to superior even though they clearly need it.
  169. There is no charge code for playing Risk on my iPad during an IT strategy webcast.
  170. The status bar in Skype is not a forum for political discourse or workplace unrest. Nor am I allowed to put that my new books is out because someone complained to the Talent Team about it. Grr…
  171. I will not start international incidents just to see what the impact on my career is.
  172. My midyear self-evaluation is not the same thing as my workplace manifesto.
  173. It is not part of my job to root out screwed up projects and initiatives.  (The fact that I attract so many of these should be cause for concern however).
  174. Laughing at the consultants is bad form.  (Good to know)
  175. It is not part of my job description to “incite rebellion.” I am to stop writing annual goals around this topic.
  176. I will not deliberately insert an error on a pointless spreadsheet just to drive my manager nuts, despite the fun that presents.
  177. No one cares that I’m a New York Times Bestselling Author …at work.  Especially the communications team (who all believe they are budding New York times Bestselling Authors).
  178. There are no fashion police in the office.   The dress code does not carry the full weight of law.
  179. My use of MS Project will not, “Open one of the seals to the gates of hell.”  For the record, I did experiment with this, which tells you something of my personality – that I would be willing to open the gates of hell to make a point.
  180. I will not point out the irony of managers telling me that I have to use MS Project to track and project, then telling me to send them the file in PDF format because they don’t want Project installed on their PC’s.
  181. I will not send someone a MS Project file in PDF format where I have deliberately set it up to be 96 pages long, most of which are blank.  True story – not only did I do this but when I asked the manager if he got it, his response was, “Yes, that looked good to me…”
  182. I will not respond to an idiot to clarify that the reason their email list is messed up is that they messed it up.  (’cause idiots don’t care)
  183. RACI’s are not created by Racists
  184. There is no, “new sheriff in town.” It isn’t me even if I wear a cowboy hat.
  185. I am not in charge of new workplace trends nor will I make up new ones just to be funny.
  186. I am not in charge of replacing the office’s evacuation plans with ones I’ve drawn in crayon.
  187. I will not question what “budget bubbles” consist of – nor will I offer my unsolicited opinion.  Example:  “They are farts of desperation with a sprinkle of delusions on a wind of indecision.”
  188. I cannot reconcile stupid. (Technically I can, but it involves gunfire.)
  189. I will not manipulate those that outrank me unless it provides me with some entertainment.
  190. I am not permitted to laugh out-loud when two managers become deadlocked in a pointless discussion. You do it once and you get reprimanded. I wasn’t the one acting like a child.
  191. I will not point out that the mandatory learning does not apply to me even though everyone knows it doesn’t.
  192. I will stop recommending learning courses just because I am adept at spotting people’s flaws and weaknesses.
  193. I will not produce a movie about work.  A TV series – yes.  Movie – no.
  194. I will not publicly ridicule the review committee process on my blog.  (Technically I never mentioned the firm).
  195. It has been suggested that I not question how managers have the spare time to build extensive training programs on top of doing their jobs where they complain they are at full-capacity.
  196. It isn’t all about bringing in your cronies from other jobs – it just looks that way.
  197. I will not openly mock the new directors by pointing out how quickly we will crush their souls.  (Except in the case of Faisal.  I will totally do it to him.)
  198. “WTF?” Is not a professional response to a meeting request at 9pm EDT.  The correct response is, “I’m sorry, I have a personal commitment.”
  199. JPM does not stand for “Dipshit” and I should stop insinuating it does.  (It does stand for “Dumbfuck”)
  200. I will stop asking, “If JPM is so great, why did you leave it to come here, asshat?”
  201. Project Manager + Team in Another Country x lack of managerial courage  = Disaster (I call it the Buck Formula); is not an equation I’m allowed to post this formula at work – despite the growing body of evidence to the contrary.
  202. I will stop pointing out when leaders say one thing and do another (i.e. Location Strategy).
  203. “I just want someone to delegate this body of shit to,” is not an acceptable justification for requesting headcount.
  204. I will not tell my manager he’s wasting his time when he insists on turning in feedback AFTER the Review Committees have met.   I shouldn’t have to tell him that.  (Come on Jay!)
  205. I will stop making gunshot noises when managers shoot the messenger.  (Back and to the left…back and to the left…)
  206. “You’ve got to be shitting me?  WTF?” is not a congratulatory message for someone being promoted to PPD level.
  207. I will not point out the name of my firm sounds eerily similar to KY (Jelly) – nor will I continue my comparisons from there.
  208. Making fun of employees names, in front of them, could be misinterpreted.  (Or understood, your choice)
  209. I will stop asking for a definition of “non-discretionary budget items.”  It only highlights that no one knows what they are.
  210. I will continue to point out violations of the firm’s values proposition, especially to that guy in Compute Services.
  211. I will stop playing my own theme music and soundtracks in the background of calls to make them more entertaining.  Example:  Playing the Law and Order rapping of the gavel each time I make a point.
  212. Despite my attire, I am not Batman.  Corollary:  Stop dressing like Batman at work.
  213. I will stop demanding applause when I join conference calls (though I deserve them).
  214. I will not ask permission to do something that is covert, regardless of its productivity.
  215. I will not mock the Talent Team’s name.
  216. I will resist the urge to point out to leadership that if I am abused in a relationship that it might be best to not keep me in that relationship.
  217. I will not openly suggest “Unionization!” as the solution to low employee morale surveys.
  218. It is recommended that I limit my systematic undermining of authority to one incident a week.  I will take that under advisement.
  219. I will curtail my listening the lamentation of my enemies women (if you saw Conan, you got it)
  220. I am to stop mentioning serial killers I know at work.
  221. My nickname is not “Grim” (as in Reaper)
  222. I will not plan large scale workplace layoffs on the same day as Suicide Prevention Day in the office.  (This is a true story, we let people go on this date!)
  223. Apparently it is not appropriate to laugh when the Talent Team says we can’t tell a person he’s being laid off until he comes off his pain medications for having his knees replaced.  (True damn story. Can you imagine waking up to this?)
  224. My barometer for measuring the speed of a rumor should not be when I get a call from Paul.
  225. My boss is not to be referred to as “the new chick.”  He hates that.
  226. My role on any project is not, “The only voice of reason and sanity on the team.”
  227. Actually, I DO like being proven correct…even if the results are painful to me.
  228. The budget was not the product of human sacrifice, witchcraft, or a druidic ceremony.
  229. I am not a pharmacist nor can I suggest medications for the staff. Nor am I to run a pool guessing what drugs leaders are on.
  230. Per request, I do not need to prove I can win a pissing contest.
  231. I will not deliberately catch an illness too gross to describe to others on a conference call.
  232. I will not describe my colon CAT scan on conference calls. Totally did this.
  233. I will not burst into uncontrolled laughter when a manager suggests hiring an outside law firm to prove the firm’s legal counsel is incorrect (Tim, you slay me!)
  234. My painkillers are to be used to kill pain, not make leadership calls more tolerable.
  235. I will stop pointing out that Lunch and Learn training sessions are really designed to ruin a lunch and avoid us missing any work. Note: I believe they are only confirming my conspiracy theory by telling me to stop staying this.
  236. I will not contemplate going off my meds just for the entertainment value.
  237. I am not to mock the Skype support team when they cannot join a Skype call because it is not working correctly.
  238. My coaching advice is not to include, “would you like me to kill them?”  Honestly, accidents happen.
  239. I will not Google “Harvey’s Balls” to enhance my graphics.  Apparently these are a real thing, not something for me to mock.  True story.
  240. When offered the chance to provide feedback I will not include the words/phases:  “magical, mythical, delusional, escaped-mental-patient, clear-and-present-danger to coworkers, schizophrenic,, dangerous paranoia, psychotic, candidate-for-drug-testing, “the reason we can’t have nice things,” narcissistic, vampire, or Hitleresque.
  241. It is not my role on the project to stage the coup de tat against the project manager. You take over one meeting and they make a rule about you.
  242. ESP does not stand for Every Sucky Project manager
  243. Douchebag is not a formal job title.
  244. Neither is Dipstick
  245. Or Asshat – for that matter.
  246. We don’t settle disagreements, “The old fashioned way – in a battle to the death.”  (For the record, I would have won.)
  247. I will next experiment with makeup on Thursdays (which is video conference call day).
  248. I will not answer phone calls, “Buddy the Elf…what’s your favorite color?”
  249. It is not a standing agenda item on an IT Town Hall to sacrifice a virgin.  I doubt one could be found (one), and telling that to the campus hires is not seen as appropriate (two).
  250. I will stop putting “Anus McButtface” on my stakeholder plans.  (Which, by the way, is a great name for a porn star.)
  251. I will stop calling Skype “Hype.”
  252. I will stop relying on a pension plan SINCE THEY SCREWED US OVER.
  253. I will at least fake appreciation for a good rating on my performance review.
  254. I do not have Tourette’s Syndrome…and no, I’m not allowed to practice having it.
  255. I will stop holding classes on how to draft your own promotion forms.
  256. I will not handle disagreements with, “I demand a Trial by Combat!”
  257. I will not start Skype calls by saying, “Valar morghulis,’ and refuse to continue them until someone says, “Valar dohaeris.” I really did this.  It was fun.
  258. I will not threaten people by telling others they are “Friends of Moe.”
  259. The communications team is not “The Voice of the Beast…”
  260. NITRO does not stand for Nitwits Influencing Technology Redundancy & Obsolescence.
  261. Setting up a contest to see who can steal the most office supplies is not Gamification.
  262. I will stop pointing out the Mercury is the god of speed.  The Mercury project team really hates that.
  263. I will stop saying, “Sharepoint is evil.”  In reality people who like Sharepoint are evil.
  264. I will stop making up new words to describe project managers I loathe (Example:  Bumblefucker)
  265. I will not encourage Russian hackers to attempt to steal our emails.  Nor will I tell people that I know a bunch of Russian hackers (Sorry Ivan!)
  266. I will not draft humorous operations manuals for projects I am not associated with.
  267. “Putting lipstick on a pig” is not the way to sell your idea for a learning plan.
  268. I will not put on war-paint for a video conference call.
  269. I will stop pretending to be Jamaican on 7am conference calls…even if my accent is perfect.
  270. I am not in charge of Armageddon and will quit “saying this shit” on conference calls.
  271. Telling a project manager they are “only a mere contractor” apparently does not inspire them to be better.
  272. Apparently I’m the only person that thinks a 65% on the annual people satisfaction survey is a failing grade.
  273. My boss is not “slightly wigging out.”
  274. The mainstream media is not conspiring against me.
  275. I am not allowed to provide my estimates of project manager’s IQ’s on open conference calls – even if rounding up.  You claim one person is a 42 and the whole world overreacts…
  276. I will not point out that the list of what the Communications team doesn’tdo is longer than the list of things that they do do.
  277. Just because I own a shield I am not Captain America.  I will stop insisting people call me “Cap” on conference calls.
  278. I will not script learning videos that have an “R” rating…nor did I clear that with the Motion Picture Association in advance.
  279. I will not put hidden messages and meanings in my change plans.
  280. Use Cases are not to be referred to as “Useless Cases.”
  281. Steering groups dislike humor, reality, and common sense.  Write it down Buck…
  282. Leaders do not like slide decks detailing their inadequacies – no matter how cool and accurate the graphics are.
  283. Uncontrollable laughter followed by: “Oh my God, you were serious?” is not the appropriate response when shown a project timeline.
  284. “Clusterfuck” is not one of the approved codenames for a project or program (regardless of how appropriate)
  285. I will not organize a union on company time.  What I do at home is nobody’s damn business.
  286. I will stop abusing the R U Ok Program.
  287. I am not qualified to diagnose mental problems despite what the firm says.
  288. Nor am I allowed to dispense mediation for mental health problems I shouldn’t be diagnosing.
  289. Nor am I allowed to order people be committed to mental health hospitals.  Filling out their paperwork is bad.
  290. I am not to suggest FAQ topics since I apparently “don’t understand technology support.” This is despite the fact I have been proven correct.
  291. I will stop saying, “I’m sorry, you’re breaking up, can you repeat that?” just to hear someone say something stupid twice out loud.
  292. I will not add credits or a post-credits scene to technical training videos.  “Based on the novel by NY Times Bestselling Author Blaine Pardoe.  Starring – Blaine Pardoe…”
  293. I will not objectify my co-workers with locker room talk.
  294. I will stop referring to myself as “One of the Deplorables.”
  295. I will not ask, “Why am I here?” It is a question that apparently upsets people running a meeting WHO CAN’T ANSWER IT.  IMG_1007 (1)
  296. I will not put “I don’t care about your silly problem, I’m off!” in my out of office message.
  297. I will not mock the message warning people to not drink to excess at holiday functions – despite the fact that it is, well, common sense and I doubt an email will fix that issue.  (Freaking Millennials!)
  298. I will not compare employees to food products (Helen is like Melba Toast.   It exists.  It’s crunchy.  It has no flavor or taste and leave you dry.)
  299. I will stop mocking the holiday moratorium. Example: If you give everyone an exception, it’s not a moratorium.
  300. I am to stop making the Millennials cry.  (It is SO easy)
  301. I will stop reminding the service desk that they can be replaced.  For the record, I never said with what they could be replaced with.  I have a list…
  302. I will not qualify what I mean by “With all due respect…” by pointing out I don’t really respect that person.
  303. I am not the designated driver for the holiday party.  If I am, I’m drinking.
  304. I will not use the word, “clunky,” when describing a team’s process without fully citing examples (and there are a’plenty…)
  305. The Chairman does not want me to offer a rebuttal to the annual holiday message.
  306. “If you need me, fuck off!” is not appropriate in my out of office agent.
  307. Connecting all of the paperclips in the box is not as funny as I think it is.
  308. I am not authorized to draw up my own career framework map.  If I was, I wouldn’t start with the play-mat from iHOP using crayons. Corollary:  I am not to use crayons at work.  They said nothing about paste however.
  309. I am not authorized to be the wisest person in the room, that comes naturally….no authorization required.
  310. No part of my job requires a case of AAA batteries.
  311. Exotic hats are not part of my wardrobe for video conference calls.
  312. I am not responsible for the hacking attack on the DNC in the 2016 elections and will stop alluding to that in conversations.
  313. I will not sneak into the Job Description database and making humorous additions to people’s JD’s such as “Responsible for all security failings in the firm,” or “Asshat in Charge of Hosting Debacles.”
  314. “Mental midgets” is apparently a derogatory term that I shouldn’t use to describe my alleged peers.
  315. I should not rejoice that the negative reorg impacts are at the top tier of leadership.  (But I AM…)
  316. Setting up a betting pool about the forced retirement dates of senior leaders is not billable to any charge code.
  317. I may not impose sanctions.
  318. I will not tie the interns to a chair and make them pull me like sled dogs through the halls yelling “Mush you huskies!”
  319. I do not have diplomatic immunity within the company.
  320. I will not change my clothes in the glass atrium elevators.
  321. The break area is not my private dojo for practicing martial arts.  In fact, practicing martial arts at work is also a no-no.
  322. I am not authorized to do face painting in the office.
  323. Hiring a possum is not the same as hiring a Cloud Engineer.  (Good to know…)
  324. I will stop prefacing my remarks by saying that “I received this information from an alternate reality where things actually work…”
  325. I am not to organize any farting, belching, or body odor contests in the office.
  326. I will not erect idols of “The IT gods” Nor am I an IT god. (I beg to differ on this but for the sake of argument, I’ll let it go.
  327. Biting Sarcasm is not one of my core leadership strengths nor can it be found on our personal development site.
  328. “Continue screwing up pivot tables,” is not an acceptable annual career goal, however realistic.
  329. I will cease using the phrase “I told you so, moron,” when I did just that.
  330. I will stop using the word “Stupidshitfuckface,” in my stakeholder plans.
  331. I will not create my own standard PowerPoint templates for a project.  I will not use the Wingdings or Greek fonts in those non-standard templates.  Fuck you!
  332. I will not chant “Shame” and ring a tolling bell when a senior leader has her farewell gathering.
  333. I will halt pointing out how right I really am when leaders are totally wrong.
  334. I will not post to my private blog during work hours.  After work, everything is game…mutherfuckers.
  335. I am not authorized to test our internet security nor is it part of my job.
  336. I will stop bringing up embarrassing news reports about our vendors WITH our vendors.  Apparently they don’t like reality or something.
  337. Leaving notes on shared workspaces like, “Strategy – Listen to the voices in my head.”  or “I know where she hid his body!” is considered disruptive (and entertaining).
  338. “Fuck no!” is apparently not one of the accepted responses when asked, “Can you do this?”
  339. Reminding managers of things I’m waiting on from them by being snarky is not permissible.
  340. One does not tinkle in the workstream.
  341. Bringing up that the task could only be accomplished via time travel or a time machine doth not please leadership.
  342. I may not use a change network to perform menial tasks around my house.
  343. I am not authorized to call in artillery or an airstrike on one of our offices (or an employee’s home).
  344. Writing “Do Not Erase!” on every whiteboard in the office with something left on them is considered bad form.
  345. There is no “Party Planning Authority,” or “Party Planning Committee.”  I am to stop sending people to meet with them.
  346. I do not have authority to create and publish my own newsletter.  Especially one with my own cartoons of co-workers.
  347. Responding “Thanks for caring,” when a douchebag says a demeaning comment comes across as snarky to some people.  (It was intended to, I just didn’t know they were smart enough to identify sarcasm.)
  348. I will stop writing cryptic messages in the Men’s room stalls.
  349. I am to stop cutting out wildlife images out of National Geographic and hanging them in front of the security cameras just to fuck with Building Security.
  350. I do not have my own personal values statement or code of connection.
  351. I am not to quote Yoda in response to questions about my plans.  Nor am I to speak in a Yoda voice or use his sentence structure.  “Banned from doing that I am.”
  352. Song and dance routines are prohibited.  “Thanks for sharing.”
  353. “I told you this would happen,” apparently does not bring the matter to a close.  So noted.
  354. I cannot solve my problems by declaring my candidacy for any public office.
  355. I am not authorized to film my own documentary at work…especially during meetings.
  356. Laughing out loud during reorganization discussions does not garner the support I expected.
  357. I will not take control of my new boss’s boss’s slide deck during his team kick off meeting.  (Krista actually did this – quite funny)
  358. I am not a “Special Conductor” in charge of the Amtrak coach car when traveling to or from NYC.
  359. I am not to ask the United Airlines Customer Service staff, “Do you own a fucking map?” when they rebook me to get home from New York to Washington DC via Cleveland.  (Did it, loved it)
  360. “That old battleaxe” is not a box on the org chart.
  361. Sycophant is not a business competency and I am to cease referring to it as such.
  362. “Fuck it – I don’t know,” is not an appropriate response to the query, “What is your plan?”
  363. I am to stop using the word, “Geostrategic” simply to confuse my peers.
  364. I am to stop muttering “Dracarus” on calls, when I hear something I don’t agree with.  (Though the mental picture of the person burning is oddly satisfying.)
  365. I am to be super-dooper thankful that I got a whopping 18 minute interview with such an important and clearly focused person.  Eighteen minutes?  Owning my own career.
  366. Turning down a job you didn’t interview for and didn’t want is apparently considered “bad form” by the “leadership.”  So noted.  Again – owning my own career.  (It was the same idiot that gave me an 18 minute interview.)
  367. Apparently there is a fine line between being blunt and being crude.  I am unaware of where that line is and I am to stop spending time seeking it out.
  368. Apparently no one likes my colorful metaphors during meetings.
  369. Demoification (the removal of anything related to Mo, our former CIO) is not a word I am to use in status reports.
  370. Being unqualified to do my job does not get me out of the work.  That’s odd.
  371. I will stop referring to one of my project managers as Cersei Lannister despite the fact that she actually kinda looks like her.
  372. I will stop suggesting, “Pull your head out of your ass,” as a solution.
  373. Calling, “Dibs on all his stuff,” is not the appropriate response when your boss’s boss announces he has been let go.
  374. My French and Spanish accents needs some work.  Until perfected, I am not to practice it on conference calls – according to HR.
  375. I do not possess the means to travel to another dimension “where someone gives an ass about your stupid idea.”
  376. I will stop using the phrase, “A job title does not imply or impart any degree of intelligence,” at the start of any of my rebuttals.  It upsets (or confuses) the Director-level folks apparently.
  377. No one cares that I was in Fast Company magazine because they weren’t. I was, in fact interviewed by Fast Company, complete with pictures.

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    Yeah – I’m that guy…
  378. Saying, “She’s not that big of a bitch,” or “He’s not a super-asshole,” is not the compliment I intended it to be.
  379. The voices inside my head are usually wrong, per my manager.  Am not!
  380. “You’re brighter than you look,” is not really a compliment.
  381. Halloween is not an invitation for me to dress in my Star Trek uniform for video calls.  Also, I am to have the decency to lie when asked, “That’s a cute costume…do you have young kids?”  Saying “no” creeps out everyone on the call.
  382. “Monkeys throwing their feces at each other is more organized than this place,” is not a valid or accepted critique of the new organization structure.  Nor is, “This place is as fucked up like a soup sandwich,” or the ever popular, “This place is as fucked up a football bat.”
  383. It has been recommended that I find out whose “dumb ass idea” it was to begin with, before I begin mocking it.  (I honestly don’t care, but it was suggested…)
  384. Documenting management’s use of buzzwords and consultancy phrases upsets some of them (while entertaining the rest of us.)
  385. Replacing the word “retard” with the phrase “fu*king stupid,” in my workplace vocabulary apparently is not an upgrade nor does it add a level of clarity.
  386. Loading my phone with “entertaining” ringtones and setting them off in the background of conference calls is not as funny as I like to believe.
  387. I am not to drop hints that the vendor is conspiring to make certain managers look bad.
  388. Being the oldest person in the room does not grant me special powers or any authority.
  389. I will stop impersonating a director just because of my gray hair.
  390. I am to stop calling my theft of office supplies as a “restocking exercise.”  I am also not allowed to turn it into a teaming event.
  391. “Oh yeah, well I have 346,000 references to me according to Google!” is not considered a valid argument as to why I am right.
  392. “No offense, but we’ve tried this same thing before and failed because you didn’t implement it correctly,” is not what leadership wants to hear.
  393. Deliberately using a teamwork event as a source for blog posts is bad…according to my co-workers.
  394. I do not know what will trigger the end of the world and I should stop implying that it is one of leadership’s bad ideas that starts it all.
  395. I will not refer to our leadership as pale, male, and stale. It is true, but they hate hearing it.
  396. I will not imply that the “long poles in the tent,” refers to parts of the male anatomy. I am also to stop mocking the moron that used that phrase.
  397. I am not “an avenging force” in the office despite my Skype status.
  398. I will not alter the scripts used for layoffs to “make them more hilarious.”
  399. Why yes, I DO have a hell of a lot of nerve. Thank you for asking.
  400. No one cares about the serial killers I know.  They should though.
  401. I will stop acting utterly surprised when someone comes up with a good idea.  Offering them a treat as a reward is also in bad form.
  402. I am to stop creating monsters in my D&D campaign named or based on department leaders.  Thus ends the terror of the Osbornonsaurus and the Poly-hacker.
  403. I will cease using words like Transmorphable or any other that I have made up, regardless of how funny they are.
  404. I am to stop pointing out that if someone has screwed something up seven times, that they are an abysmal failure or director-level material.
  405. When a leader says “How dare you?” they are not looking for a detailed response or answer (which I had prepared).  They are looking for a me to take a big sip out of a cup of Shut-the-Fuck-Up.  Good to know.
  406. There is no CIO Throne.  Nor is there an IT Dungeon under the data center in Secaucus.
  407. I do not have the authority to create my own mentorship program.
  408. No one want to hear their team “defines a new level of uselessness.”
  409. Making people cry is not a competency.
  410. I am to stop pointing out ridiculous wastes such as having me travel for 9 hours round trip for a 1.25 hour meeting in NYC (true story)
  411. “Sausage making” has nothing to do with making real sausage.  So showing up in a butcher’s apron with a meat cleaver is a definite no-no.
  412. I will no longer refer to senior leaders as “executive-level hiring mistakes.”
  413. I am to stop referring to the “middle management permafrost” as if it was a real thing.
  414. The phrase, “The only good reorganization is a dead reorganization,” is not respected by my leadership.
  415. When a leader says they are taking a few days off, it is inappropriate for me to cheer.  It makes them feel bad and I’m supposed to feel bad about that.
  416. I should only apply to jobs based on what is in the dark recesses head of the hiring manager, not on the job description or posting.
  417. There is no sanctioned “firm prayer” and I should stop trying to convince the new hires one exists.
  418. I am not allowed to yell, “Liar, liar pants on fire,” during vendor presentations. (I didn’t do it when they were in the room, what’s the big deal?)
  419. I am not allowed to play (experiment) with the thermostat during firm meetings. This includes removing the cover (Marked “Do not remove”) and manually adjusting it.
  420. I am not an authorized technician for any hardware issues.  Corollary, I am not allowed to use a hammer during the work day.  It’s not one of my tools – not even for change management.
  421. I am not to adjust the lighting or room temperature to set the mood for vendor presentations.
  422. Chuckling during a two-hour vendor presentation, especially at the serious parts, is apparently not permissible.
  423. The answer to the question, “Why are you putting this out to bid to us?” is not “Because our leadership is mentally unbalanced and makes us waste our time on pointless exercises.”
  424. I am to stop referring to team dinners as “Firm-Mandated Fun.”  Nor are they to be called, “Pointless required socialization with my inferiors.”
  425. I am to stop humming funeral dirges when Margaret is talking.
  426. I am to stop ordering parts to build my own robot.  Apparently it is not considered team building to try and create your own team members from scratch is not allowed.
  427. I will stop deliberately sending out the list of open job requisitions to the most paranoid members of the department. It was quite funny though.
  428. When sent to India, I am not to ignore the teaming events because of the monsoons.
  429. I am to stop pointing out that the firm sends me to the hot places in the summer, the cold places in the winter.
  430. I am not to contact the US Embassy in India when travelling there, just to, “Hear an American voice or something I can understand.”  This request comes from the US Embassy staff I might add. Apparently their post on the web site about Americans checking in was not serious.
  431. “Wow you folks have a lot of call centers here,’ is not a good start to a live meeting in India.
  432. The Ethics Hotline is not a plaything.
  433. When asked by a leader, “What do you mean my product is shit?” the appropriate response is not, “You seriously don’t know what shit is?
  434. I am not to try and purchase a pet monkey named “Apu” while visiting India.  Nor am I to purchase him a cowboy outfit.  Nor will customs allow him into the US.
  435. My solution cannot consist of: “I will get all Game of Thrones/Ramsey Bolton on his ass.”
  436. I am to stop thanking people when they are abusive to me in meetings (actually, this was sarcasm and was totally wasted on the audience in question.)
  437. I am to stop requesting my annual raise verification email.  Apparently they don’t send them out when you make so pathetically little.
  438. The Mentoring Program is not a form of slave labor – per HR’s discussion with me.
  439. I am not to assume I have authority to do whatever I want just because I chair the peer network.  This was actually expressed as, “you have no authority – period!”
  440. Calling a decision a “Dick-move,” apparently offends some people more than once – sexually and authority-wise.  Given I have referred to the offending party before as “Dickless” it does seem a bit inappropriate to me.
  441. Discussing your recent medical procedure, in detail, prior to the start of a call, is off-putting to some attendees.  Discussing it during the call is not permissible.
  442. I am not allowed to organize online parties where the attendees drink and fill out the firm’s culture survey.
  443. I may not form my own religion then demand off “Holy Days” such as Saint Patton’s Day or Trumptoberfest!
  444. My advice as a mentor is not to include firearms, explosives, or use the words, “Going postal…”
  445. Accusing someone as being a witch is not as funny as I like to think it is.  Nor is offering to go fetch their broom a help in such discussions.
  446. There is no charge code for “Feeling Melancholy” nor should I put in a request for one to be generated.
  447. I am not “empowered.”  In fact, it would be best if I did not use that word.
  448. Creating a class on “Working with Douchebag Leaders” is not in my job description, nor is sending out an invite to the class to all of the team allowed.  Sidebar:  It should scare everyone that I got a 92% acceptance on the invitation.
  449. I am not to refer to the CTO as “Princess.”  He really hates that.
  450. I am not to refer to Project Mercury as Project Sloth, despite the fact it is three years overdue.  The Mercury team has no sense of humor and claims they delivered, “On Time.”  I will also not point out that by changing your delivery dates is not the same as actually meeting them.
  451. Wearing a Burger King crown during video conference calls is verboten.
  452. I am not allowed to create or suggest affinity groups.
  453. I am not permitted to point out that the people empowered by leadership to make decisions really don’t have that power.
  454. I do not get an approved holiday for elections in the US…especially not in April.
  455. I am not to ask senior leadership for feedback…every quarter…two or more times.  They are far too important to give a peon like me feedback.
  456. I will stop telling upper management that I need software in order to be creative just to be funny.  Clearly they don’t get it.
  457. I am not permitted to host my awards show for the department…nor may I broadcast it.
  458. The personal branding class does not involve branding irons.
  459. Uncontrolled laughter is often not what the leaders want to hear when they pitch their brilliant idea.  I am to make better use of the mute button.
  460. I am to stop pointing out the irony of people being promoted past me, who ask ME for advice.  Most don’t get it.
  461. I am not permitted to rewrite our department (or company’s) mission statement – ever.  Apparently the use of the word “fuck” in a mission statement is a no-no.  Who knew?
  462. I should not request a new charge code be created so I can binge watch the Kardashians or the Bachelorette.
  463. I am not allowed to create my own recycling bins.
  464. I am to stop saying, “Chronodiversity.”  It makes leaders nervous – they thought they had laid off all of the older employees already.
  465. The comment, “Ponytail’s are for jackasses,” is considered, by some, as insensitive. I’m sorry, but someone has to say it out loud – otherwise you are contributing to hair and style abuse in the workplace.
  466. Pointing out security flaws just to get another leader in trouble is not “professionally considerate.”  It is, however, a blast. Zoom!
  467. I do not have the authority to mount a sting operation for Dateline.
  468. It is not my job function to write rebuttals to new personnel announcements – regardless of accuracy or humor-level.
  469. My Italian accent is not fully appreciated or enticed.
  470. When asked to teach a diversity and inclusiveness class, I should not respond with, “You do know I’m an old white guy, right?” Totally did this.
  471. When a colleague asks an icebreaker question, “What would James Bond do?” Responding, “Have a plan to kill everyone in the room as quickly and effectively as possible” does not, apparently, break the ice.

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Like this, you’ll enjoy my snarky book Business Rules

Office Humor: Actual Workplace Quotations

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Over the last few decades I have made a point of capturing some wonderful quotes at work and documenting them.  Some are mine, others are from brilliant coworkers who shall remain nameless.  As I approach my early retirement (28 days, 4 hours, 48 minutes – but who’s counting?) I thought I would share some of these gems, if only for the humor-factor. Many of the guilty parties associated with these have moved on, though some still remain.

  • “We’re looking up the ass of the dead dog with fleas.”  We got this one from The Apprentice and it became the basis for this list.
  • “This must be the KY part of the discussion.” Blaine
  • “I’m not being critical, I’m being elitist.”
  • During a review of a promotion candidate:  “If he saw the ball on the middle of the field, he would pick it up and run with it.” “Okay, but what if we were playing golf?” Blaine.
  • This is a case of, “Lift and present.” What Blaine was told to do during a testicular ultrasound, incorporating the phrase at work. “Interesting slide deck, please, lift and present.”
  • “Any jackass can burn down a barn.”
  • “Why buy a dog and then bark yourself?”
  • “I do not wish to lie to you.”
  • “Words are important.”  “Some words are apparently more important than others.”
  • “She couldn’t find his ass with a flashlight and both hands.”
  • “Who be ‘we’?”
  • “We could line up 12 dead guys with him and he still wouldn’t be a rated a 5.”
  • “That was you…you moron?!”
  • “The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.”
  • “Would you like syrup on that waffle?”
  • “It just seems a little evil…”
  • “We’ll decide that once we find someone to fart in Jay’s chair…”  I can only assume Jay had a gas issue.

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  • “Congratulations; so now what are you going to do?” In other words, you were successful, but that was in the past…like five minutes ago.
  • “One of our values is watching our backs.”
  • “That is one of the keys to our excess…”   He meant to say, “Success”
  • “JayFest 05” – The week of events leading up to Jay’s moving to a new role, including lunches, two cakes, and a self-planned party.
  • “Look, you could invent penicillin but if you are not on the list to get a 4 rating this year, you’re not going to get it.”
  • “It could be worse…no, wait, I was wrong.” Blaine
  • “Even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a nut.”
  • “I lost my sanity — my curiosity is all that’s left.”  Blaine
  • “Few things in life are solved with the application of another layer of management.” Blaine
  • “I honestly didn’t know that he was there for me.”
  • “What do you have to do to get fired around here?”
  • “May I say something?” “That depends, is it good?”  Blaine
  • “At the end of this you’ll be thanking us for solving this issue for you.”
  • “We have security through obscurity…” (I personally think this is a great T-shirt logo)
  • “We need to communicate the value of the bell curve in personnel ratings.” Here’s a hint, there is no value to the bell curve in ratings for the employee.  Duh.
  • “Add that to our ugly list.”
  • “What is that sound?”  “That’s the mower, I’m mowing right now.”  “I thought you were working today.”  “I am.”  “Look, if it involves grass at all, it’s not work.”
  • “It’s okay to play the role of devil’s advocate.  But if you don’t tell anyone you’re doing it, you’re just being an asshole.”
  • “We’re good at telling people what they should do not necessarily providing them with what they need to do.”
  • “He had a heart attack.”  “Gee, that’s hard to believe, given his lifestyle of, well, rich food.”  “Not to mention, sloth.” “Oh yeah, can’t forget that.”
  • “Whatever solution you use, think globally.”  “How, exactly, do I do that?  I mean we aren’t anywhere near done yet”  “You know, picture a globe…”
  • “Blaine, sometimes you are just evil.  90% of the time you’re good and productive, but 10% of the time you are evil-Blaine – you are disruptive, morale lowering, and corruptive.”  This was a manager wrongly accusing me of giving him anonymous negative feedback.  He was specifically told to not try and indentify the person that gave him the feedback, so he did the exact opposite of that.  PS.  Nothing inspires me more to write incredible negative feedback than to be wrongly accused of writing negative feedback.  More on this in another blog post.
  • “Good morning everyone.”  “I’m not so sure that I can commit to it being a ‘good morning’ just yet.  It’s still too early in the day.”
  • “Assigned to ‘Special Projects’?  Well I guess that entitles her to a small seat on the little yellow bus.”

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  • “You’d think people would respond to a threat of fire a little more than ignoring it.” This was when Dell computer batteries were igniting.
  • “I have knowledge now — next month I should have more knowledge.”
  • “From my accountant’s mind—”  “You’re kidding right?  ‘Accountant’s mind?’ I mean, this is the sixth time I’ve explained Standard Deviation to you.” Blaine
  • “Guys, are we morons — or are we intelligent morons?”
  • “I think Blaine should do it all,” Bob.  “I think Bob is full of shit,” Blaine replied.
  • “Is “mis-remembering” even a word?”
  • “I will endeavor to find new ways to suck in order to be successful.” Blaine
  • “The list isn’t sorting.”  “Are you sure?  When I click on it it sorts.  It just doesn’t display the numbers in ascending or descending order.”  “Uh, that’s the definition of sorting.”  “Right–I can fix that.”
  • “I appreciate everyone responding vocally about the plan, that’s what this project is all about.”  “So this project is about being vocal???” Blaine
  • “I’ll send your name to the project manager to coordinate….  oh wait…  I don’t have one of those…”
  • “When the system goes down there seems to be some functionality that is lost.”  “Isn’t that what happens when the system goes down?”  Blaine
  • “If it involves grass in any way, it’s not work.”  Blaine to a manager about the annual golf outing.
  • “Do you golf?”  “I used to…then I wised up.”  Blaine
  • “It’s a Cannon and a Canyon.  They’ve fired a cannonball across the canyon and decided that is the best way to get across — regardless of the fact everyone is telling them that they need to build a bridge.”
  • “Technically we did deliver on time.”  “Sounds like the customer feels differently.”  Blaine
  • “If you’re calling to chew my ass, I want you to know that the line in front of you was long, distinguished, and they didn’t leave much.”  Blaine
  • Follow-on – “You’re currently suffering from noassatall.”
  • “Does anyone here think that a four minute response time is going to be a show stopper?”  “You are kidding, right?” Blaine
  • Blaine on Status Reporting:  “How can the development team be reporting everything Green and Yellow?  For God’s sake, they spent millions of dollars on an application that was rejected by the customer and the Americas CIO and is five months behind schedule.  I don’t think that’s all green and yellow.  There might be at least a hint of freaking orange in there!”
  • “You need to define ‘slow.'”  “My definition of slow is someone that has to ask the definition of the word, ‘slow’.”  Blaine
  • “He’ll build you the space shuttle when what you ask for is a toaster.”
  • “The way Mexico is acting lately, we call them, ‘South Canada.'”
  • “Is the global mail template really global?”  “That’s what the “global” part stands for.”  Blaine
  • “Blaine the recurring meeting you invited me to has sessions in the past.  Please univite me to the sessions that have already occurred.”  Blaine:  “Please disregard the sessions in the past.  You do not have attend them.”  Especially since that would involve time travel!!!
  • “Rubbing your forehead against a cheese grater would be less painful than dealing with them.”
  • “I’m thinking we’ll have (support) do a reach out to our 4000 users.”  “I think that call is above your pay grade,” Blaine
  • “When are they going to get this meeting started?” “When the other Mensa members show up.”  Blaine
  • “She needs to put down the crack pipe.”
  • “I’m confused – no, wait, I don’t care.”  Blaine
  • “Never before have so many, worked so hard, for so few, for so little.”  Blaine
  • “We are changing our staffing model…” Manager A – introducing a new way to say “layoffs”
  • “Today was a total waste of makeup,”
  • “I feel uncomfortable when things are normal.”
  • “There’s no accounting for psychotic…”
  • “…they’re not being laid off, they’re being co-sourced…”
  • “It’s all about the group grope…everyone has to have their say on everything.”
  • “They don’t need Quickr…they need Smarter.” Blaine
  • “Okay, who put the crazy juice in the NJ water supply this morning?”
  • “I’m sorry I’m late, I had a different idea in my head,”
  • “I would have been on the call but we’ve had a lot of rain lately.”
  • “It’s hard to picture her being happy without a bloody body at her feet.”  Blaine
  • “That will make the monkey jump…” “We’re making monkey’s jump?”
  • “Sixty-seven-percent of New Yorkers are depressed because the light at the end of the tunnel is Jersey”.
  • “She didn’t fall from grace – she jumped from grace.”  Blaine
  • “Let me check, you may be on the failure list.”  “We have a failure list?  It must be long.”  Blaine
  • “There’s busy, then there’s Don Busy.”  Don’s opinion of how much he’s working
  • “He’s a random force of nature. Like a fart in the wind.”
  • “We need one throat to choke.”  One of our illustrious leaders giving us another inspiring one-liner.
  • “It’s a horse in the back and a cow in the front.”
  • “What can you tell us that isn’t public knowledge?”
  • “We don’t have People First, we have People Strange.”  Blaine
  • “Apparently outside of work, I’m some sort of genius.”  Blaine
  • “A kick under the table can be an effective management tool.”
  • “We need to have a big pow wow in the wigwam.”  “That seems like it is insulting to some folks.”
  • “I feel like a kid that’s been thrown into the deep end without any floaters”
  • “Looks like they may have to dust off her coffin…”
  • “He’s not lying, he’s being economical with the truth…”
  • “I could pull of the Miracle on the Hudson and still not get a promotion.”
  • “Why is he on the call?”  “I told him this project was a shit-show.”
  • “Ideation?  Oh please…it’s more like flatulation!”
  • “Don’t let the angry thoughts in my head come out of my mouth as words.”

Please feel free to share this with your friends – or enemies/coworkers.

Retiring? Here are the most humorous things to send in your retirement/departure email – Office Humor

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As I move to early retirement (so that I could write full-time), I started thinking about the farewell email message I might send. Being somewhat evil and a tad creative; this made me generate a list of lines that any retiree should be able to leverage in their goodbye to their organization. When your time comes to cut that umbilical cord/remove the ankle monitor; pick and use those that are most appropriate! Even better, combine these to create a really awesome departure message.

My own message that I have planned is a tad epic and months in the making.  Until then, this will have to tide people over.  ENJOY!

I would say I will miss you all, but let’s be frank – some of you are utter douchebags.  (I have kept a list!)

I will miss the office supply cabinet which has put three of my kids through college.

It was either retire or climb up on the roof with a scoped rifle and play “Duck duck goose,” the hard way.  My aim just isn’t what it used to be either.  Frankly, I just didn’t want to give any of you the time on the evening news calling me a, “Loner.”  I hope you appreciate my choice to simply retire.

I will no longer be party to the insanity that you call, “work.”  I have been an accomplice to this madness for far too long.

I would like to extend to all of you an invitation to my retirement dinner.  Unfortunately the company has cut back on this, especially in light of the amazing lack of work I have done over the years.  Instead I would invite you to join me in splitting a Happy Meal (with fries!).

The ongoing hostage situation (which I refer to as a career) has finally come to an end as I hereby announce my retirement/escape.

My plans upon leaving is to break into meth production.  From what I saw on the documentary “Breaking Bad,” it has a lot more potential than when I was here.

I miss you all…with every shot that I took.  You lucky bastards…

Should any of you need me, I will be glad to come back as a consultant – if you can afford my rates.  Hint – You can’t.  And even if you could, bear in mind I don’t need the gig and am likely to be much more vocal since I no longer have to worry about my ongoing employment.

Until I worked here, I never fully appreciated the phrase, “Going postal.” Thank you all for that.

This is probably a good time to tell you that Suzy is the one that has been stealing your lunches.  Do what you will with that knowledge.

My leaving allows you to blame the next four months of your failures on me.  Consider this a parting gift.

If I were to relate this place to a movie, it would The Shawshank Redemption and I’m off to my job as a bagger at the grocery store.

My departure at this time was my favorite quarterly goal I ever achieved that has mattered.

I will not miss the horrible food that the company provides for working lunches.  Rubber-chicken-salad-sandwich-wraps a meal doth not make.

I am trading a padded cell for a chaise lounge chair on a beach. Who’s winning now bitches?

As part of my retirement, I intend to dedicate myself to answering the greatest riddle plaguing mankind – “Why did I come into this room in the first place?”

I am pleased to say that I have attended my final company-mandated fun event (social events we are required to attend)

The good news – I’m leaving.  The bad news – I’m sending senior leadership a message explaining how you all actually spend your time here.

Now that I am leaving, it is probably a good time to tell you what is in the cafeteria’s Wednesday Special.  Hint – what animal meows?

As I move on, I leave you with this one thought.  When the company orders in lunch, they are not doing you a favor.  They are essentially telling you to work through lunch and keep the costs down by eating the food we have selected for you – regardless of your tastes or desires.  Yeah, I won’t miss that shit.

I can finally go to the bathroom when I need to, not when the meeting is over.  My body functions are finally my own!

The horribly incriminating photographic and documentary evidence of your collective incompetence will be posted to the web two hours after my departure.  Sucks to be you.

To those of you remaining, “May the odds ever be in your favor.”

I appreciate all of you sending me your resume’s.  That isn’t how retirement works unless you want a job mowing my yard.  I get it, it’s an instinctive reaction when one of us “goes over the wall.”

For the last two years I have been working on a secret project for the company to monitor employee internet access.  You people disgust me!

As I move onto my next stage of life I do so with the knowledge that I will never again have to fill out a timesheet, and that is something exciting.

From this point on, when I travel, I can eat dinner where I want and with whom I want.  No more team dinners at places I would never desire eating at in the first place.

I do not desire a farewell party…but would like the cash option instead.

Don’t worry about how I will spend my time – I’m going to write a tell-all book about this place, naming names and implicating the guilty. Oh, wait – you SHOULD worry.

I finally understand what it means when I hear, “Get a life!”

As I depart, I want you to know that the toilet paper in the men’s room is made of the crushed souls of those who have gone before me.  That is why it is so thin that you can see through it.

My departure means my work has to be done by some of you.  Suckers!

The only barking dog I have to deal with is my own – not yours on some conference call.

In leaving I acknowledge that my entire career has been built on the premise of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was going to stay, then I realized one thing – I never intended to do or liked this job in the first place.

They say you own your own career…so I’m owning this part.  Good bye!

I bid farewell to the wasted time before the start of a meeting when we ask about the weather.  The only weather I care about is my own.

Say what you will about me after I’m gone – but I will never dread Monday’s again.

I will never again cringe because someone hits reply all.  That doesn’t happen out in the real world.

I’m officially a quitter.  Totally comfortable with that new title too.

I would love to tell you that I’m spending my retirement time doing volunteer work – but I think we all know that’s not happening.

I will never have to scrounge like a beggar for a phone line, office space, privacy or a wifi signal.

It is important for you to know I will never have to deal with information security out in the real world.

Sadly my departure means that the war crimes cases against most of our senior leadership will never go to trial.  I am leaving behind my extensive records, should anyone else want to take up the cause.

As a parting gift to all of you, I laced the coffee with laxative and have stolen all of the toilet paper in the building.  Cheers!

I intend to dedicate my retirement years to medical research work – namely I will be conducting a personal study on the effects of alcohol and sleeping in on longevity.  Look forward to my results…

As you toil away at your jobs, know this – I will never again have to take mandatory training on something that has no applicability to my life ever again. In the real world we call this, “Winning!”

I will miss this place during the holidays…when I would come in and steal tape and scissors for wrapping holiday gifts.

I look forward to my last hour when the company finally removes my obedience ankle monitor and sets me free.

The changes to my dress code will be minimal, adding in a “pants optional” for Wednesdays. Also I have added “VERY casual Fridays.”  So if you are planning to visit, I’d recommend other days to do so.

I will be reducing the number of people that don’t listen to my pearly words of wisdom and witty insights down to my dog and my wife.

Retirement will finally give me time to perfect my Death Ray that I have been working on, though it will limit the number of targets since I will no longer have coworkers.

Leadership finally achieved something — they convinced me it was time to get the hell out of this place.

My retirement plans include me becoming that old fart that yells at the kids for getting on his lawn.

I will no longer receive emails annually encouraging me to donate money to the company-favored charities or causes I don’t believe in.

My first week away from work will be spent responding to robocalls about my truck’s warranty expiration, Microsoft detecting problems with my account, fending off arrest by the IRS, and issues with my Apple account. I intend to waste these bastards time to the point where they never bother me again.

Once I leave I cannot foresee the need to do a conference call ever again in my life.

Know this, I will only change my passwords when I choose to do so!

Going forward when I say something inappropriate or insensitive to others, the only ones that can report me are my wife and my dog – and the dog isn’t talking (we have an agreement that is treat-based).

I will never roll out of bed early for a meeting, log on, only to find that during the night, someone cancelled it.

My parting gift to all of you is that I sent a list of your work and cell phone numbers to every telemarking firm I could find on the dark web.  Enjoy!

The only reorganizing that will impact my life is what I do in the garage at my leisure.

For all of you, my departure means that you will have ample office supplies, since I will no longer be taking them home in bulk.

I would like to schedule time to have lunch with you now and then and get caught up with stuff going on at work…but I really don’t care and you’ll be all rushed so that you can get back to that all-important next meeting.  You know, it’s just not worth my investment of time.

I am afraid I have to cancel the traditional farewell dinner for my retirement.  Apparently the company will not spring for stripper poles…so this is totally on them.

There are several pieces of work that I nearly have completed that I want you to finish and take credit for.  Aw, fuck it…you’ll figure them out for yourself.

If I eat in a cafeteria I will do so because I want to, not because it is the only dining option before I run to my next meeting.  PS.  I will never want to eat in a cafeteria again.

I will not have to make sure I have a badge to go and return from a trip to the bathroom.

Retirement means I will no longer have to keep a list of idiotic acronyms just so I can converse with people around me.  In fact, “people around me,” will consist of my dog and my wife…which is a marked improvement.

My “annual review” will consist of turning my head and coughing — which is still preferable to the painful and agonizing process of having someone give me mindless and often pointless feedback to justify a shitty raise.

Since I am no longer limited by the firm’s designated holidays, I am implementing the following additions to my calendar (replace with your own name where appropriate):

  • St. Blaine’s Day (Primarily a drinking holiday – date assigned at random by me.)
  • The Fifth of Pardoe (Celebrated on the 5th of November)
  • BlainetoberFest – It’s just Octoberfest but with more me.  We drink, wear lederhosen, play the bagpipes, fight, have belching contests, pin the tail on the politician, liar-liar-set-your-pants-on-fire, you know…traditional BlainetoberFest events.
  • Margarita Appreciation Day (A floating holiday – get it?)
  • Non-Labor Day (March 1 – six months away from Labor Day)  This day commemorates all of us that no longer work full time and mocks those that do.
  • Parole Day (commemorating my last day at work – usually proceeded by Parole-Eve, which involves presents)
  • Pardoeween (You put on a super hero t-shirt and go to other retiree’s houses and do shots)

In order to prove I am a retiree, I will be starting to pack for trips at least two weeks prior to the date of travel (this seems to be a thing – though I am not sure why.)

When I set an alarm, it will be for something I want to do…as opposed to something I have to do.

I will be meeting people via the organizations I will be joining – namely the NRA and AARP (I finally have time to read their literature.)

My departure from the company means that the threat level for workplace violence has dropped from Orange to Amber.  Shit could still go down, but it won’t involve me.

When I travel from this point on, it is for book tours, holidays, or because I want to.  The only approval I have to get is that of my wife and I don’t need a charge code, email verification, written PPD authorization, nor will the firm chose where I stay and how much I can spend.

Just so you know, I intend to spend my first day of freedom prying the tiny diamond out of my company pin and seeing how much I can get for it.

Machines will no longer control me.  Rather than reminders in Outlook, my time will be measured by when the dog needs to go out and when the mail arrives.   No more calendars or Skype messages dinging to tell me what to do next.

While you are inadvertently aggravating coworkers over email, I will be deliberately upsetting people via social media…just for the grins.

All of those tchotchke’s I have from the firm from training events, anniversaries, and meetings?  It is my intent to set them all on fire and watch them burn slowly. It will be toxic and fun at the same time.  I no longer have a desire to keep the block of plastic that commemorates my 20th anniversary here.

While I will be taking some classes that I desire which are fun and will be adding to my creativity and character; you will be taking courses on password management, diversity and inclusiveness, and blockchain.  Suckers!

The only cloud I will give a shit about is the ones out on a sunny day.  Sidebar:  I will actually get to go outside on a sunny day in the middle of the week.  Ha!

As a parting gift to those of you still stuck here, I have hidden some career enabling materials in the  office including photos of our department head having sex with a goat (blackmail material), tape recordings of the senior leaders plotting the next wave of layoffs (complete with names and dates), and the REAL strategic plan for the team.  These are hidden somewhere in the office and will assist you in your careers.  Have at it! (Sometimes I just do shit to watch the chaos.)

I am more than willing to come back as a contractor to do the job that I never was rewarded for doing in the first place.  PS.  I seriously doubt you can afford my rates.

Being retired means I will never again have to suppress a moan or groan in a meeting when I hear something utterly stupid.

You have to keep track of a limited number of vacation days (provided that the firm doesn’t force you to use them all at their whim.)  I only have to keep track of days that I have things I have to do.  Winning!

Know this – the only fully documented and flowcharted process I give a shit about going forward is…wait…I won’t have to give a shit about these things.

The phrase, “Mandatory Learning” will be purged from my personal lexicon.  Likewise I will not have to take tests and pass with 80% or better on anything in life other than my driver’s license.

No one will be defining my dress code other than my wife.  She has orders to shoot me on sight if I am seen wearing shorts, black socks, and sandals – FYI.  The same applies if I wear pants where the waist band is around my nipple region.

I invite the senior leadership of the organization to raise a glass and toast me as I leave.  Of course, I fully intend to lace their drinks with ExLax.  Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch of guys.

Know this…as a retiree, I will never again have to waste time putting together a RACI chart that no one will ever read or use.  I cannot tell you how worthless every RACI chart ever assembled has been.  WON’T MISS THESE.

As I reflect back on my years here, I do have some regrets.  These regrets include:

  • Not kicking my 14th manager in the nuts (repeatedly).  It wouldn’t have changed anything but it would have made me feel better.  God that man was a moron.  Even to this day, the mental image of him doubled over clutching his freshly crushed scrotum with the imprint of my sneakers makes me smile.
  • I should have sold my soul early-on for promotion.  Unfortunately I possessed “values” and “morals” and a wise-ass mouth which prevented me from applying the appropriate amount of ass-kissing to advance my career.  No, wait, I take it back – I don’t regret this at all!
  • I wish I had stood up in a town hall, just once, and mooned our leadership team. God knows they deserve it.
  • Day drinking, as in, I should have taken this up.  It would have helped…or at least it couldn’t have hurt.  I regret not giving it a try.
  • I wish I had taken advantage of some of the training available to me.  Far too often I let the burdens of work overpower my desires for self-growth.  Worse, I had some managers that simply made attending such learning impossible…douchebags.
  • I should have stolen a LOT more in the way of office supplies.  And I should have branched out to stealing office furniture.  For the record, I did devise a plan for this.
  • I wish I had never worked overtime. I worked a lot of overtime in my years here – and it was almost always because of bad decisions by managers or a misguided belief that it helped my career.  I even took calls while on family vacations.  It was all an utter waste.  There was no reward – no extra compensation, for that lost time from my family.  It doesn’t help you get promoted but is held against you if you don’t do it.  I should have walked out the door and spent time with anyone other than my work colleagues.  Not one hour of overtime ever mattered.
  • I should have exploited travel/reward points over what was good for the firm.  So many people I know have abused travel policy to enrich their personal reward points at hotels and with airlines, it makes me nauseous.  I always did what was right for the firm, where they needlessly attended or held meetings out of country, added extra flight segments, stayed at more expensive hotels, etc.  I regret not being as a big a douchebag as many of my peers when it comes to abusing these policies for personal gain.
  • Every minute spent “polishing” a PowerPoint slide deck for some leader who couldn’t read to begin with.  All of those little tweaks that management felt were so important…a complete waste of time.

In my retirement, I will not have some corporate entity telling me what colors (four) or fonts (two) and what graphic images I can use while at the same time telling me they “encourage creativity.”

My email will no longer have a tag line attached to it that makes no sense, or is something I simply think is a joke.  I will write my own tag lines to life.

Throughout my career I have often had two to five managers at a time.  This often led to confusion, conflicting orders, and unnecessary tension.  In my retirement years the only person telling me what to do is my spouse, and I gleefully look forward to her input.

The only persons cutting my budget will be my financial advisor or my wife; and it won’t be random and arbitrary.

Unlike you, I will never have to update my resume’, Linkedin Profile, or anything related to my alleged career ever again.

I will be able to freely swear during the daytime without wondering if I am going to get a call from the Talent Team about my professionalism.  (Sidebar:  What a stupid name for a team, right?  Talent?  Really?)

Any meeting I attend going forward (and there will be damned few of them) will start on-time. The worst of you are those that show up late then ask to be caught up.  Seriously, you just aren’t that important.

There will be a time when you are sitting in a meeting and you know that if I was there, I would be making a funny face (usually in disgust) or throwing out a witty comment.  When that happens, know I will be only making funny faces and witty comments to either my dog or my wife…neither of which will think it is very humorous.

I have often felt that this place was an asylum and am ashamed that it took this long for me to formulate the proper escape plan.

I enter into retirement with a certain amount of glee…knowing I will never again have to sit on a project RAID call, rolling my eyes and fighting back the urge to sleep.

As I look back at my time here, one question keeps coming to me over and over…”Was it worth it?”  The answer to that is, “If it had been, I wouldn’t be retiring – duh!”

Now that I am done here, I intend to get a new role as an intern at another company.  I’m pursuing this to improve myself…and validate that I would rather work for nothing than work in his dump and suffer the constant humiliation and degradation that are the hallmarks of our leadership team.  Way to motivate!

I will miss the annual Christmas Party…in the same way I miss family reunions, getting my eyes dilated, colonoscopies, and root canal.  A plate of cheap h’orderves and two watered down drinks don’t instill the sense of loyalty you might think. I appreciated the annual reminder that you really don’t care.

I will never again strain during a three hour meeting to suppress a fart or hold my bladder for two hours while some manager pontificates on something that is of marginal importance.  I will go the bathroom and pass gas on my schedule, not my coworkers’.   Ahh….

None of the bad decisions I will do from this point on will be based on screwball and often faulty information from Gartner or the Corporate Board.  I will be using common sense and my own research, rather than relying on “expert” organizations that couldn’t find their ass with a flashlight and both hands.

Don’t think of this as me retiring…think of it as I have completed digging a tunnel out of this place and it only took me 25 years to reach the outside of the guard’s line.

As I ride off into the sunset, I would sum up my career with the following:  “In my defense, I was, for the most part, unsupervised during the majority of my working years.  This shit is all on you guys.”

As I depart I want to say, “It’s been real,” but that opens up the question, “real what?”  Really depressing?  Really aggravating?  Really a waste of time?  Really a model of how to not run a business?  Really a testimony to the folly of mankind?  Really a case study in idiotic management?  Wow, this is a really impressive list.

Retiring means that I will no longer need to curtail my language so as to avoid insulting anyone in a message or phone call.  I will call out bullshit, assholes, dumb-fucks, and anything else I want.  I will be able to use phrases like “You fuckety-fuck-fucking-fuck-face,” and now worry about HR giving me a call.  I’m retired bitches!  I have no HR in my life other than my wife.

In retirement I will no longer have to up my intake of blood pressure medication prior to the release of the annual promotion list.  I still reserve the right to say, “WTF?” should you call and tell me which morons got advanced.  I simply will stop caring about it.

Now that I am retiring, I will not have to take part in company programs that pander to the millennials and their numerous sensitivities.  I won’t have to check everything I say to see if it could possibly offend someone.  I won’t have to tolerate my company ignoring my needs as an older white male because of my “privilege.”

I knew it was time to leave when this place got so cheap they put in standing desks so they wouldn’t have to buy chairs.  Yes, I get it, some people like it.  I also know it was a clear signal for me to not come into the office to work.

Retirement for me means I will no longer be forced to attend after work social activities when traveling.  This “firm-mandated fun” has, over the years, proven to be quite the opposite.

Leaving means I will never again get frustrated by receiving an email that tries to explain that allowing us to wear blue jeans in the office somehow spurs on creativity and inclusiveness.  Seriously?

From this point forward the only “hotelling” I will be doing is when I check into an actual hotel, rather than reserving office space and a filthy phone.

Someday, not too far from now, you will be implementing a new software system.  You will hate it. The training will suck.  The communications will be all but worthless.  Management will be irate and blaming all of you for the failures.  When that happens, it is vital that you know that I will not be impacted by this in any way, shape, or form – nor will I give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about it.

My retirement means you will no longer be blessed with my snarky, often deeply inappropriate comments about our leadership team – especially when they do something totally moronic.  It is hard to keep such commentary fresh. Someone else will need to pick up the mantle on this role I so aptly performed.

I will never have to listen to someone with less experience and knowledge than I possess attempt to coach me on my “career.”

I will no longer be forced to use code names for things that I am working on.  It will take a while to adopt this thinking.  “Sorry honey, I have to take the TANK out for a walk then I need to mow the GORILLA and get some gas in the ZEPPELIN.”

As I move into retirement mode, I am freeing up 6 GB of space on my phone by deleting all of the annoying company required applications.  Never again will I have to have apps and data on my private smart phone to forcibly connect me to work, regardless of my private wishes.

While I am kicking back in full retirement mode, many of you will be investing long tedious hours in PowerPoint assembling/perfecting slide decks for people who, when you present them, are checking their text messages. While I was here, only five of my PowerPoint slides have ever been read.  I’m not saying it was an utter waste of my time but the math is the math.

I enter retirement knowing I will never again attend a meeting where everyone on the call decides to have, brace for it, another meeting.  Each time this happened in my career, a tiny bit of my soul was crushed.

Being retired means that I own my daily commute.  It is significantly shorter (sometimes just a stroll down the stairs), I control when it starts, where I am going, and it ceases to be frustrating.

As a retiree, the only diversity and inclusiveness efforts I will had to deal with is drinking scotch and tequila in the same afternoon.  In fact, there’s a big debate about waiting until the afternoon.

Now that I am going be retired, there are a number of words and phrases I am pledging to not use going forward.  These include: Downsizing, RIF, layoffs, right-sizing, rebadging, outsourcing, external vendors, staffing model, Agile, ITIL, DevOps, DevSecOps, annual reviews, mandatory feedback, Code of Conduct Compliance, company mandates, budgets, timesheets, and system outage.

Being in retirement, I can openly express my political and ideological beliefs without having to worry that it will impact my career.

In looking back at my career, one thing I will not miss is group writing projects where eight people try to contribute to a document or a PowerPoint slide.  These usually result in something that no one agrees upon, but everyone endorses, simply to put an end the debates.

With my departure from working full time, I’m cutting back to two micromanagers (from the 12 or so I had when employed).  My dog, which is constantly telling me to do something – and my wife, who has more than earned the right to tell me how to do what I’m doing.  All other people attempting to micromanage me going forward will be told, “Fuck off!”

One thing I will not miss is explaining to my manager how to manage a team. When I am asked what I would do if I were in charge, it demeans us both. Every time I coached upward served as a reminder as to how imperfect our promotion process is.

I will no longer forced to endure the company “suggesting” things for me to contribute to. Where I spend my money is my business and I don’t need help with that.  I have a wife that is plenty helpful in spending money.

In retirement I will never again get a phone call that begins, “I know you are on your vacation, but I need you to…”

Now that I am moving into retirement, I will no longer be forced to attend team dinners at times and locations where I would never choose to eat.  I have long hated business trips and team dinners – and they are now going to be a fading memory.

With retirement I will cease the bouts of stress when I read about a company policy then read announcements that are completely contrary to it – such as D&I. This cuts my road to an aneurism by 82% according to my non-scientific calculations.

I have been meaning to take up drinking in a semi-professional capacity.  Certainly this place gave me more than enough emotional scars to consider it.  Now I will finally have the time and incentive to consume copious amounts of alcohol at my own discretion.

I do not want a farewell party or a roast. We were never really that close and you certainly shouldn’t get to celebrate my leaving.  Why?  Because it’s all about me.  Why should you get a meal and drinks out of this?  Just send me the cash and we’ll call it at night.

I have spent so much of my career in cubicle, I have had my bedroom walls padded just so I can make the transition to the real world a little bit easier.

In retirement I will be eating what I want for lunch, not what the firm has decided to provide me so that I can work through lunch.  I can drink the soda brand of my choice and never again have to indulge in rubber-chicken-salad-sandwich-wraps drenched in mustard so I don’t have to taste them.

I will never have to take a phone call in a JIT (Just in Time) booth that makes me claustrophobic, paranoid, and feeling like I’m trapped in an ever-shrinking glass phone booth where walkers-by can watch my hand and face gestures as I slowly become more insane.

I will never again be forced to choose between my career and my real life.

As I look back on my career with a sense of waste and anguish, I know one thing…I will never again be forced to use Microsoft Project.  Even if I ended up living in a cardboard box in my retirement, it would be worth it to avoid MS Project.

While you continue to work, I will never again have to use a badge to go to the bathroom.

Over the last decade, I often find myself fending off sleep during some mind-numbing presentation on some pointless, often mismanaged project.  In retirement, I will embrace sleeping whenever I feel like it (except behind the wheel, that’s bad.)

While you toil on, know that I will never again face the struggle of getting Finance to reimburse me for a trip, while I end up floating the money to American Express so that I don’t end up on some list somewhere. I will gleefully destroy my Amex corporate card and the phone number to the help desk for expense reimbursement/delaying.

One of the things I’m looking forward to the most is not having to stay up until 11pm to have a phone call with someone halfway around the world.  From now on, I call when it is convenient for me – not the company.

One thing I will miss about the office is when I was compelled annually to purchase Girl Scout cookies.  This was the one thing I was guilted into at work that I fully supported and openly endorsed.

No soulless and spineless manager will ever again question my loyalty. I was always loyal. I just had a life outside of work. Thanks for all that morale lowering shit.

Someone asked me how I will replace all of the relationships I have made at work.  Allow me to say that all of you can be replaced with a good dog and a loving spouse…period.  It really isn’t that hard.

As I set sail into the sunset of my life, know that as I hoist my sails, I am leaving you, the anchors, at the dock where you belong.

When I get up and turn on my PC, I will no longer dread looking at my inbox as it load in the morning.  Work made me hate email, even when the messages were quasi-positive.  Gone is that sense of trepidation each morning.  Now I can concentrate on important emails, like those ads that promise that their pills will make your penis bigger.

Never again will I have to worry about how someone will misinterpret an email message that I have sent, or contemplate if my PowerPoint slide might be taken in the wrong way.  From this point on, I can use the words I desire to express my true feelings rather than couch what I write.

I honestly think I will miss the bitch sessions with my former colleagues once I have retired. Criticizing leadership is a true art form and we have masters in that craft working here.  We are fully enabled by the actions, inactions, and messages from the people at the top of the organization are such a hot mess.

One of the things I am looking forward to in retirement is that no one will take credit for the work that I do.  Not that anyone will want to claim they mowed the yard or took out the trash, but it is nice not having someone steal credit for the effort that I did.

I am pleased to say that the only D&I program that I will ever have to cope with again is Drinking and Insulting; two things I already relish and excel at.

For those of you that have, over the years, taken credit for my work.  Allow me to share this simple and concise thought.  Fuck you.  Just because I worked for you or you were on my team did not entitle you to claim you were the creator when I did all of the actual work.  And yes, I know you got your promotion or your little bonus because of you stealing my effort.  Moreover, I made sure a lot of people knew the truth.  Everyone knows you are the king/queen of the douchebags.

Wow, did that feel good!  My actual retirement letter is, well, classic and goes way beyond these.  Please share this with people nearing retirement to give them inspiration!

Looking Back at My Career; What I Would Tell My 21 Year-Old Self? Some Office Humor

Time Travel

I am early retiring in two months or so.  Stress “early.” As I prepare for this, I started to contemplate my “career.”  In doing so I started to wonder what lessons I have learned.  If I had Doc’s Delorean, what might I go back and tell my 21 year-old self about what I have come to grips with.  The following is my suggested list:

Question all corporate communications you receive.  When they say they are improving something, it is usually to the company’s advantage, not yours. Often times they hide their true intent in the last two paragraph.  Be suspicious and read between the lines.

  • Don’t work a single hour of overtime.  It doesn’t help your career.  A case can be made that it works against you if you refuse to do it – but screw that.  Companies you will work for will not reward you one time for putting in those extra hours.  No one gets promoted for working long hours. They don’t increase your annual raise because you worked longer than your peers.
  • Rebranding or renaming something is not the same as fixing something. People will try and blur these things together.  Don’t fall for that crap.
  • No one cares that you are bestselling author or have won many national writing awards. They ALL believe they can write better than you.  Some will have the ball-sack to tell you that. Smile at their ignorance rather than point it out.
  • Never sweat over budgets.  No one you know will ever be fired or even reprimanded for breaking their budget.
  • You cannot fix a manager that is an asshat.  Don’t waste your effort.  Likewise you cannot easily replace one that is a brilliant genius.
  • Any time a leader tells you, “This is not about a destination, it’s about the journey,” they are lying.  A journey without a destination is just aimless wandering.  None of the “journeys” you are forced upon is worth undertaking.  Remember playing Oregon Trail as a kid?  Yeah, that was a journey too.
  • Your trust will be betrayed many times and sometimes with evil intent.  Believe in your gut instincts about people. Ninety-five percent of the time, your gut is right.
  • Company sponsored competition is always designed to make you work harder, longer, or faster.  The reward is never worth the effort.  Don’t get caught up in the moment.
  • You will spend part of your career being reactive. It is far better to be proactive.  Learn the difference and put your effort into proactive activities.
  • Performance management systems generally don’t measure performance. Feel free to not sign any performance review you don’t agree with.  They can’t make you do it…and that will frustrate them to no end.
  • Job titles and rank have nothing to do with brains or common sense.
  • Always pack an emergency backup pair of underwear and socks for every business trip. You will thank me for this.
  • The sooner you learn what shit to put up with and what shit to ignore, the better your life will be.
  • You will be promoted inconsistently, bizarrely, and rarely.  You will learn that promotion is based on whose coattails you choose to ride rather than competency.
  • You will see a multitude of morons promoted and advanced over you.  Don’t worry.  Most of them are exposed for the frauds that they really are.  Be patient.
  • When you speak out against unethical or possibly illegal activities, don’t be naïve…there will be forms of retribution.  At one point, it will cost you your job – at another it will nearly cost you your sanity. Speak out anyway…because it is the right thing to do.
  • Focus on the big things that earn you the most money or have the most impact on your life. Screw the little shit.
  • The majority of the teams you will work on will let you down, leaving you to do a lot of grunt work. Apparently there are people who work very hard in their careers at not working.
  • Surround yourself with funny people. Most of the humorous people tend to be the smarter ones – so it is a win-win.
  • You will be called upon to lay people off many times. You will hate it.  You will save some people’s careers along the way and at least if you are involved, most of the painful discussions are being handled professionally.  It is small solace.
  • The people assigned to “Special projects” aren’t there because they are geniuses, they are there because of their abysmal failures.
  • People will do things that directly impact your career (without even talking to you) then have the balls to tell you that “You own your own career.”  Don’t try and point out the irony, they won’t listen and don’t care.
  • Your creativity will be constantly suppressed by people who hide behind policies, processes, and their own petty insecurities.
  • The airlines are always lying to you about the delays and re-bookings. ALWAYS.
  • When you point out problems, they often get assigned to you.  It sucks, but be prepared for it.
  • No one hired in from J P Morgan will ever dazzle you.  In fact, quite the opposite.
  • CIO’s come and go…usually every 4-5 years.  Mix up a stiff drink and sit back and watch their inevitable, often spectacular downfalls.
  • Not one bit of mandatory learning you will be forced to endure will change any aspect of your professional career.  Also, no person has ever been fired for not taking mandatory learning…so the threats are meaningless.
  • Avoid travel to Newark NJ between 1997-Present Day.  You will spend more time waiting for planes that will never take off/land or being forced to rent cars to drive home than you will spend in the meetings you went there for.  Don’t’ even get me started on the smell of that airport.
  • Never volunteer to take part in any technology pilot.  They will mess up your ability to work – for weeks.  Just say no. In fact, just don’t volunteer. I am hard-pressed to remember raising my hand for additional work where it didn’t bite me in the ass.
  • Some people you meet love fighting fires so much they are willing to set them.
  • People are not promoted to the level of their own incompetence.  Hell, incompetence is in abundance.  They are promoted to the level where they can inflict the most damage on the organization and its people.  I call this “The Pardoe Principle.”
  • Do not let someone else’s stupidity drive your actions or decisions.
  • People are laid off inconsistently, randomly, and far too often. Maintain connections to your friends, regardless of where they end up.
  • Keep your solutions simple . Almost every crisis you will face in your career can be solved with something simple.  Simple doesn’t mean easy.
  • If everyone around you is panicking, don’t join them.
  • You will encounter people that will take credit for your work.  Treat it as the utter and inevitable betrayal that it is. Feel free to confront the bastard/bitch that does it.  It won’t change anything but watching them squirm for a moment is the best you can hope for. None will ever own up to their crime.
  • Not a single performance management system you will work with will actually improve your career options. Knowing that, give them all of the attention they deserve.  It is, at best, a compliance exercise.
  • No matter how much they cut the budget, senior leaders will always have money to travel around the globe and criticize us for our spending habits. Oddly enough, some in your career will do both at the same time.
  • Don’t let some butt-munch tell you that humor has no place at work.  Humor eases pain, and work generates more mental anguish and agony than anything else in life.
  • People are listening to what you say, even when you wish they wouldn’t.
  • When you know someone is breaking the rules, tell them, then document the hell out of what she does.
  • Every promise you get for future promotion is a blatant lie…period. Getting it in writing will mean nothing.
  • No survey you are required to take at work will ever change anything.  When leaders get the results, they will find ways to question the validity of the data rather than rolling up their sleeves and actually making changes.
  • You will be the only person in your entire career that will show up for a meeting on-time.  Just cope with it.
  • Trust no one in a technology organization who cannot use technology.
  • Fear of litigation drives more decisions and costs more money than actual litigation.
  • The pay gap between the sexes is not as important as the gap between what morons are paid and what geniuses are.  That’s a REAL problem area. Morons make a lot more money.
  • You don’t have to make excuses for doing the right thing.
  • You will not realize the good years until you are in the bad years so make the most of whatever you are doing now.
  • Our competition is as screwed up as us, if not more.
  • Only attend company-sponsored events after work that you want to attend.  If you are going because you feel you have to be there; don’t go.
  • Meaningful change has to happen at the top level of the organization first and foremost.  Far too often you will be told you have to change, but in reality, the problem is way above you.
  • No matter what, you will survive and somehow end up better off.  It never seems like it at the time, but you do.

Wastes of Corporate Time and Money

IMG_0999 (1)

Over the holiday break, I started to think about work.  It happens to all of us.  I started to think about all of the things we do in the world of the Corporate Overlords that are wasteful – both in terms of time and money.  We do many of these, “because we always have.” We often don’t think about or even question the usefulness of the process.

So here is my list of things that are utter wastes of time and effort:

Year-End Department Reviews and Recaps.  Every company does this.  “What did we accomplish over the last year?” Hours are wasted putting together a reminder that management is claiming credit for all of the hard work that you do.  We all know what we accomplished and it is embarrassing that we have to document it for our leadership.  Way to motivate!

Defining What Services Your Team Delivers.  “We need to catalog all of the services we provide.”  If your team has to invest time detailing what services you deliver, then your team is not really needed.  Talk about an exercise in navel gazing.

Company Mandated Fun. Company picnics, happy hours, team bowling, etc.  It is bad enough that I have to go to work every day for 9-10+ hours, but for the company to expect me to show up after work…well, that is douchebaggery.

Regular Status Reports or Meetings.  Preparing status reports is useful if you need decisions to be made or if there are issues that need to be addressed.  Otherwise these are pointless cost wasting efforts. I include in this RAID meetings where the status of the risks never changes.

Annual Reviews Where the Manager/Counselor Cannot Influence Raises or Promotions.  Organizations love to keep salary information secret, because if we knew what people were getting paid it would cause rioting in the streets.  If you can’t tell me how I am compared against my peers and how that impacts my career and money; why do we need to talk?

Town Hall Meetings Just For the Sake of Having Them.  “We didn’t have a lot to tell you, but it’s been a while since we shoved PowerPoint slides down your throat.” Some managers mistake having these meetings as “leading.” Let me help you, it is not.

Rebranding (anything).  Rebranding rarely solves problems. Calling something by a new name does not fix any underlying problems that exist.  In fact, most things tagged with the word, “branding” are mislabeled and misunderstood. If anything, it adds to the confusion.

Communications Reviews. Nothing defines time-wasting like someone who sends around a message or email for review and input.  By the time you get eight people to contribute to anything, it is diluted and usually much longer than necessary.  No one has ever been fired because of a lack of proper sentence structure…just send the damn message.

Enforcing Company PowerPoint Standards. This screams “Hi, we’re here to stifle creativity!”  Companies like to box in innovation by saying, “Your PowerPoint decks have to adhere to our dull, boring, bland, and emotionless standards.  PowerPoint standards are pointless monotony in digital form. Yes, I understand that it is all about the company brand.  But you are also telling your customers that you don’t flex enough to demonstrate creativity.

Webcasts or Meetings With Live Audiences and Clearly Staged Questions.  We have all been there, when someone gets up and is clearly reading a prepared question. Save me some time – write that stuff down and email it to me.  Or better yet, don’t!

Timesheets for Internal Functions/Teams.  Timesheets are the bane of business.  I actually worked in one place that had a charge code for the time used to fill out timesheets.  Back office operations don’t need this.  We are not billable.  Our utilization is irrelevant for billing purposes. Having administrative activities fill out time sheets is an utter waste of time and effort.

Eighty-Percent of Live Meetings.  There are times, rarely, when a face-to-face meeting is needed.  Usually it is not.  More often than not these meetings are held so that people can rack up their frequent flyer/hotel points.

Creating Mission Statements.  I dedicated an entire blog post on this one.  Humorous Mission Statements ‘Nuff said.

Learning With Required Pass/Fail Tests. This does NOT prove that you understand the content.  It only proves that you have passed the test.  It doesn’t drive a bit of behavior.  And who was the moron that thought that 80% was a passing level?

Employee Satisfaction Surveys.  I am all in favor of doing surveys, if you intend to take the data and do something with it.  I took one for years where the results clearly pointed to issues with leadership. The actions that were taken were to educate us, the staff, because clearly we didn’t realize how awesome our leadership was.  The action that should have been taken was to fire some of those managers (or break their kneecaps, I’m pretty flexible here.) When they saw the results, most leaders spent their time either trying to track down who gave the negative feedback or to argue why the data was invalid.  “We were in the middle of reorganizing…so you can disregard the negative stuff.”  Morons.

Company Dress Codes.  I remember when the firm I work for allowed blue jeans on Fridays (only in the summer).  They called them dungarees.  Seriously.  Wow, talk about dating yourself!  Most offices, in a vain attempt to appear more hip to the millennials, have pretty much ignored dress codes…but for some reason keep them up to date.  It’s a pointless exercise at best – a wasteful one at worst.

Meaningless Compliance Exercises.  Annually you must read the code of conduct, then click on five buttons to acknowledge that you will follow it.  Nothing says trust like a forced reading assignment.  It also does not assure compliance, only that you acknowledged you read the material.  It’s akin to clicking on a software licensing agreement.  We all do it, but do any of us sit and read that stuff word-for-word?

Videos About Senior Leaders.  Look, if your ego is so big that you have to order videos created about how great you are, well, you’re a douchebag.

Providing Feedback For The Sake of Providing Feedback. Most feedback we get in the world of the Corporate Overlords is fluff…meaningless praise. People don’t want to give critical feedback because it upsets people and requires uncomfortable follow-up discussions and usually a dab of retribution.  Forced feedback accomplishes little.

Dashboards For The Sake of Having a Dashboard. If it doesn’t drive decisions, actions, or raise concerns…it is a waste of effort and time. The more graphic intensive it is, usually the more wasteful.  Can we only produce these monstrosities when there is a problem looming?

Meetings That Could Have Been Emails Instead. I traveled an hour and a half to attend a meeting that lasted 20 minutes.  That could have been covered in a two sentence email.  A lot of meetings are utter wastes of time.

Every Self-Help Diagnostic Tool or Bot Ever Written.  Memories of Microsoft’s talking paperback haunt my dreams.  Does this feel familar?  “Did this answer your question?”  “No”  “Why didn’t it? (Provide response in this box).  “Because it didn’t have the answer.”  “How would you rate this response?  “Do you have something below one star?”  I get it, robotics – automation.  It’s a cost cutting move. Write a bot, lay someone off.  I have yet to encounter a self-help tool that actually helped or provided a meaningful answer.

People Presenting Information in a Meeting by Reading to You The Slide They Are Showing.  “It may shock you Veronica, but I can actually read on my own.  I have been for years!”  If all you are doing is reading, you should not have been allowed to schedule a meeting.

Working Through Lunch. “I’ve ordered in food so we can work through lunch.”  “All that proves is that you are an asshat.  Oh, and how did you know what I wanted to eat?  Jackass.”  Most people can barely do one thing at a time well.  Eating and working – generally is non-productive. Why not let everyone step out for a half-an-hour to eat?  Is your productivity gain really worth that rubber-chicken-salad-sandwich-wrap’s cost? Also, I don’t want to watch other people eat – especially coworkers.

Any Trophy, Plaque, or Award and The Cost to Present/Ship Them.  The time for me to get awards was back in high school.  I have a box in my basement filled with hunks of plastic thanking and congratulating me on stuff that I have done or accomplished at work.  They mean so much to me I stuff them in a box. I swear, I will burn them one day.

Exit Interviews.  Seriously, has HR ever taken tangible action based on exit interviews?  These are designed for one thing – to ferret out possible lawsuits as an employee leaves – period.  Think about it, at that stage, it’s a bit late for action, isn’t it?

So what have I missed?  Please add in the comments.  Oh, and check out my funny book on work – Business Rules.

Office Humor – Corporate Training Classes That Should Exist

Training

I was recently looking for a learning course at work and was overwhelmed by all of the options.  As I scrolled through the titles, I realized that no one was writing courses designed for the real world.  Learning content seemed to me to be written for a perfect organization rather than the highly chaotic and disruptive places where many people work (not me of course, my company is perfect…wink wink.)

So I took at stab at putting together some titles that I think could and should be created for those of us slaving under the oppression of the Corporate Overlords.  Enjoy!

How to Not Be a Douchebag.  Includes techniques for not betraying the confidence of those working for you.  Purging your inherent douchebaggery is possible in three easy lessons.

Advanced Asskissing and Bootlicking.  Sure, everyone knows the basics.  This class will help you kick things up to the next level in terms of burying your nose in the ass-crack of upper leadership.

The Art of Stealing Credit For Others Work.  Work happens all around you.  How can you take advantage of that?  This class helps you tactfully imply that the successes others are doing are because of your divine influence.

Using Voodoo On Your Coworkers. There’s more to it than sticking pins in dolls, it is a lifestyle  choice.

Intermediate Stealing of Office Supplies. Anyone can take a stapler or a stack of sticky notes.  It takes real skill to dismantle an office chair and smuggle it out without anyone noticing.  Welcome to the world of Intermediate theft!

Training 2

Waffling for Mid-Level Managers.  Flip-flopping on decisions and direction is less of a managerial style and more of an artform.  This class will give you hands-on experience in not committing.

Teams – Crushing Them Isn’t Always The Answer.  Sure, stomping on the soul of your team seems like a source of entertainment – but it isn’t necessary.

Time Mismanagement.  Anyone can triple book their calendar, this class takes this to the next level.  Learn how to completely ignore the space time continuum in your managerial direction and decisions.

Meetings – You Too Can Start On Time! Starting a meeting on-time is respectful of those who show up and demonstrates good organizational skills.  In six easy lessons, you will learn how to read a clock, connect to a meeting (or just show up), start the meeting, read an agenda, and even end on time!

Reorganizations – You Can’t Be Reorganized if You Were Never Organized In the First Place.  When you reorganize, you are telling the team that the problems they faced were because of how they were restructured.  When you reorganize 5-12 times, you are telling them that the problem is you

Resisting the Urge to Micromanage…You Aren’t as Good as You Think You Are.  I get it, you have an urge to tell people how to do their jobs…but in reality, you should be telling them what you want them to do, not how to do it.

Micromanagement

Success! It DOES exist and you can measure it.   It may be hard to believe, but you CAN actually do things right.  I know, it surprised me too.  This course will help you know success when you see it, and track it.

Microsoft Outlook – How to Use the Scheduling Assistance Function.  As shocking as it seems, it is possible to schedule meetings that don’t conflict with others.  You will amaze other managers with this skill!

How to Not Use Reply All – Not Everyone Gives a Shit What You Think.  As shocking as it seems, using Reply All is not mandatory nor is anyone fooled into thinking that you are actually contributing when you click on it.

Using Your Town Hall Meeting To Hypnotize Your Teams.  You’re already droning on and on, this allows you to leverage this to get them to do more work, cluck like a chicken, whatever…

Doing What Your Commit To.  Saying it and doing it are, brace yourself, two different things.  This course exposes leaders to a new trend in business, actually delivering.  Learn how to avoid pointless and mind-numbing delays.

Creatively Abusing The Company’s Sick Time Policy.  Here’s 80 hours of time you should be taking full advantage of.  Learn that with Millennials in the workplace, you can claim “Mental Health Days” as sick time, and other tricks to buy yourself two weeks of rest.

Making Someone Else Accountable For Your Deliverables.  Why should you bear the burden of all that work?  This course will help you dump your workload onto others while still being able to claim credit for it.

How to Not Schedule Meetings During Employee Vacations of Outside of Normal Working Hours.  You do know we don’t work at 8pm at night, right?  This leadership-level course is designed to help managers understand what a typical working day is and how to tell if one of your invitees is on paid holiday!

Legally Threatening Your Staff.  Sometimes they just need a boot to the ass, don’t ya think? If you do that, you find yourself with HR.  There are a myriad of ways to threaten your staff that are legal though…let us teach you.

Believe it or Not It is Legal to  Present Without PowerPoint. You too can do a presentation without reading what you put on a slide.  This “innovative” approach to presentations focuses on the story you want to tell and the facts, rather than your insipid attempts at graphics.

Creating the Illusion of Busyness.  You don’t always have to be busy to look busy.  These simple techniques will make you look overloaded with minimal effort.

Shutting Off Your Phone – It’s Not Just For Vacations Anymore.  We get it, you want to create the illusion you are busy by coming to the meeting and being on your phone sending texts.  No one is buying it.  This class will show you where the off-switch is and how to use it.

Proving You Are Smarter Than Your Colleague.  It’s not enough to be smart, sometimes you need to rub their noses in it and prove it.  This class includes the effective, “Surround yourself with idiots,” or SYWI technique to ensure you can be the smartest one on the call or in the room.  These time-tested approaches will guarantee that no one will call you a dumb-ass – you’ll always be a smart one!

If you like these, check out my book, Business Rules, A Cynic’s Guidebook to the Corporate Overlords.

Office Humor – A Typical Day At Work

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I am always looking at ways to explore the culture of work and stretch my writing skills.  As such, I give you a typical day at work.  Now, this isn’t necessarily about me or the company I work for, but written to apply to anyone in any corp.  So plow on, share, and enjoy…

6:15am – Wake up and get ready for work.  Looking in the mirror, I ask, “Where did all of that gray hair come from?”  Oh, wait, that’s right…MY JOB!

6:45am – I work at home, so with no commute, I feel guilted into starting early.  People that work at home know exactly what I mean, that ever-present fear that someone will think you are goofing off if you are not online and available 9-10 hours a day.  I go downstairs to my desk and power up my PC.  It begins an update that I had not anticipated.  Sigh.

6:55am – Update finishes with a reboot.  Of course it does.  I go and get a life-affirming glass of Diet Mountain Dew (I don’t drink coffee)

6:59am – I fire up email.  Holy shitballs…where did all of these messages come from?  My favorite comes from a colleague in the UK.  The sent a message four hours earlier – now he is demanding for an update.  Apparently, ‘Well, I was asleep when you sent it, Dillweed…” is not the appropriate response.  Duly noted for future reference.

7:26am – Successfully finish deleting completely irrelevant emails that were sent to me by vendors who have the delusion that I make purchasing decisions in our company.  Silly vendors.

7:35am – Start reviewing and replying to those emails that are not part of some mind-numbing string of messages.

8:59am – Join first meeting of the day.  I notice I’m the only one on the call at the designated start time.  I check my calendar.  Where in the hell are the other 13 people? Has the call been cancelled? Immediately I think I’ve made a mistake.  Then I remember the people I work with.

9:12am – The meeting actually starts with eight people in attendance. The key decision maker is not on the call.  So why are we here?

9:13am – Bob pings me in Skype.  ‘I can’t join the call, can you pull me in?”  Suddenly I am tech support for this call.  Fucking Skype!  I suck Bob into the call.  Why am I being punished?

skype

9:18am – We pause the meeting to bring the key decision maker that just joined the call up to that point.  What an asshat.

9:50am – I ask “So what have we decided?  What are our action items?”  Someone in the meeting suggests we have another meeting to discuss these.  A tiny bit of my soul dies.  Sadly, three others on the call agree.

9:59am – I join my second meeting of the day.

9:10am – The meeting starts because a handful of people apparently can’t tell time. You see the trend here, right?

9:14am – Someone’s dog is barking in the background on the call.  So far the dog makes the most brilliant contribution to the call thus far.

9:18am – The PowerPoint being presented in the meeting is unreadable and confusing.  I secretly wonder if the presenter has gone off their medication. Her choice of graphics causes questions like, “Why is that box blue?”  Soon we are no longer talking about the subject, but how it is presented.  We are all dumber for having viewed her slides.  I mentally note that she is a candidate for promotion.

10:58am – Impromptu call from someone who cannot cut to the chase as to what they want.  Facepalm.  “For God’s sake get the point please…” My Diet Mountain Dew, which I desperately need, is just out of my reach.

11:15am – The moron finally gets to the point.  “I hate to tell you Bob, that isn’t my team’s responsibility.”  Bob hears my recommendation as to who to call, but tells me he is opting to ignore it.  It is akin to someone saying, “I’m going to ignore gravity today.”  “Bob – you gotta be you.”  That is 16 minutes of my life that I will never get back.

11:32am – My bladder is about to explode when someone pings me and calls.  They missed the call at 9am and want me to repeat everything we didn’t accomplish on the call.

11:44am – I have three minutes in the bathroom.  I need five minutes, but we all know by now that isn’t going to happen.  My computer is beeping in the other room. I try to ignore it, I really do.

12:08pm – I throw together “lunch” (a Pop-Tart and an apple) and sit at my PC, responding to emails that are trickling in.

12:22pm – My manager calls.  She has an “opportunity” for me.  It is work assigned to her that she feels should be assigned to me.  Oh, it was due two days ago.  “Is that a problem?”  Apparently that was a rhetorical question, she really didn’t want my response (which was both snarky and biting.)

12:39pm – I check Amazon – they do not sell time machines or fulfilling careers. Sigh.

12:40pm – I check a news website and there has been a workplace shooting in Ohio. I silently wonder if that is a viable option to the hell I find myself in.

12:44pm – I get an email response from a co-worker which confirms that he cannot read.  It takes a lot of restraint to not write back:  “I appreciate your response and answer – but I would prefer that you actually answer the question I asked you (below).”  I don’t type it because, well, we already established he can’t read.

12:59pm – I join my meeting.  After a late start – again, we spend five minutes trying to remember why we set this meeting up in the first place.  We eventually make something up.  Oddly enough, this is fulfilling.

1:20pm – Skype fails and we are all bounced from the call just as we are about to arrive at a solution. Fuck Skype.

1:28pm – We manage to rejoin the call in time to end it.

1:38pm – A friend rings me and we commiserate about our career choices.  Three new rumors!  At least two of these are pure bullshit.  The third one would have been frightening to me five years ago…now I am just numb.

1:40pm – A message about a reorganization in our department.  This is reorg number 387. “We might be able to get some work done if they didn’t keep changing who was responsible for it.” I read it carefully, looking for subtext, giving my leadership far more credit than they deserve.  Then I delete the last org chart, which I had already presumed was out of date when they published it.  They consistently believe that the problem is not their leadership, but how we are structured.  I guess number 387 is “the charm.”

1:43pm – My manager calls.  “That thing you have been working on…management has had a slight change of direction.”  All of the work I have done up to this point is worthless because of the ballless.  My manager attempts to convince me that this is a good thing.  I tear my stress ball in half, then calm myself with the knowledge that I get paid the same whether I’m doing something brilliant or idiotic.  Apparently they chose to pay me to waste my time.  Cool.

2:12pm – My second Diet Mountain Dew of the day. That ice cold can is my binky at this stage of the day.  It gives me hope, strength, and just enough motivation to stay logged on.  God bless the Pepsi Corporation!

2:18pm – Call from my manager.  “Have you started that project yet?  Well don’t.  We’ve had a strategic change of direction…”  I note her misuse of the word “strategic.”

2:20pm – I check Linkedin to see if there is someone hiring.  I find jobs but convince myself that those companies are as screwed up as ours is.  That, and I’m over 50 years old, and we know that companies don’t want to hire older employees.  Age discrimination is totally real, trust me.  I start thinking about a whole new career where I produce something tangible, something physical, rather than PowerPoint decks. It would be so nice to do something with my hands, if I had any skill other than writing (which, as you know by now, is questionable at best.)  Thinking about it makes me feel good for five whole minutes.

2:25pm – I actually start working on, well, work. The Europeans are heading home so the email slows to a minor torrent.  For we Americans, this is OUR time.

2:39pm – Notice from Information Security. They warn me to not open emails from sources I don’t trust. That should make work easy to do since I technically don’t trust anyone at the company – especially Information Security. Their very email causes a rift in the space time continuum.

3:00pm – A company webcast that is mandatory.  I have no idea why I am on the call.  I hot-key over and respond to emails that I received that were “Reply All” I’m so bitter at this point, I do the same. It is evil of me, and I embrace that.

4:00pm – Webcast ends. I receive a message from a friend, “Did I miss anything on that session?”  “No.  Honestly, it was more like a podcast for me – noise in the background.”

4:26pm – The torrent of emails subsides enough for me to go to the bathroom again.

4:40pm – Final sweep of the inbox occurs.  The two emails I didn’t respond to – they resolved themselves.  Winning!

4:48pm – I receive an invitation to a meeting at 5:00pm on Friday. “I’m sorry but it looks like it’s the only time open on everyone’s calendar.”  Duh.  There’s a reason for that, because we all want to go home. That “Winning!” feeling lasted exactly eight minutes.  Being a dick, I click “Tentative.”  Let her wonder if I’m going to show up or not.

Meeting

5:00pm – I check my schedule for tomorrow.  It eerily looks like todays.  I have a lot of emails to respond to and I think about working for an extra half hour or so to get through them.  Then I remember last year’s raise that I received and say, “Fuck it.” I’ve already had a ten hour day – there’s no way that another half hour is going to change things.

5:02pm – I go upstairs and see my wife.  “How was your day?”  “Same as yesterday.”  She hugs me and says, ‘I’m sorry.”

 

Did I miss anything?

The ilClan Sourcebook Outline (April Fool’s 2019 Part II

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All of this talk about the ilClan.  You know, we might just be messing with you. The damn thing has been promised for years after all.  Wouldn’t it be pisser if we just didn’t do it?

Anyway, as usual, I wanted to do something for April Fool’s Day again.  Last year I did BattleTech Products that never reached the market.  Before that I did Operation Freakin’ Awesomeness. Before all of this, I explored storylines we didn’t purse.

Operation Total Freaking Awesomeness

BattleTech Products That Never Came to Market

Rejected BattleTech Storylines

And this year I also released a bonus “musical” April Fool’s bit… Blood on the Canopy

I figured, why not release the proposed outline for the ilClan Sourcebook?  My first draft was whacked, but it was Ray that said, “You haven’t gone far enough.”  As it turns out, you really shouldn’t give me a loaded gun like that.

 

ILCLAN SOURCEBOOK OUTLINE (HELFERS LEVEL SECURITY REQUIRED)

TABLE OF CONTENTS – the key concept here is to spread the blame around as much as possible. Name dead people if that is what it takes. Include some fake names, especially as playtesters for the new ‘Mechs.  We really haven’t had time to “validate” the stats or continuity.

INTRO FICTION (6k words)

Devlin Stone’s initial plan (Operation LANCE BOIL) for dealing with the ilClan is to use some long-captured Word of Blake tech that will blow up Terra.  His thinking here is, “If there is no Terra for the Clans to set foot on, no one can be named as the ilClan.”  The idea has a lot of merit, except for the loss of the cradle of mankind and billions of lost lives. Stone abandons this plan, after much debate, for dubious reasons, “I keep all of my stuff on Terra.  Blowing it up would take out my miniature collection.” Note: This is totally plausible with our fan base, but not their spouses.  This forces him to seek out new allies in order to stop the horrific and long-overdue Clan onslaught.  (Operation WE ARE SO FU*KING SCREWED)

Devlin Stone’s secret mission to Clan Wolverine (Periphery world location – see Pardoe’s document on the fate of the Wolverines – section on “The Resurgent”)  The risks of Clans Wolf or Jade Falcon taking Terra are too great for Stone.  He proposes an evil alliance (cue the music when the Legion of Doom used to appear on Super Friends).  The Wolverines come to Terra, joining the Fidelis/Smoke Jaguars there, and can proclaim themselves the ilClan(s).  When the Wolves or Jade Falcons arrive, the combined RAF/Fidelis/Wolverine force will wipe them out, or so Stone hopes.  The Wolverines want Clan blood in revenge and quickly agree.  The stage is set for something cool or at the very least, utterly confusing.

The General of the Armies that Stone has tucked away is a clone of Victor Steiner-Davion.  Victor 2.0, named Hannibal, is like Victor Steiner-Davion, but brutal, vicious, a tad kinky, suffering from male pattern baldness, erectile dysfunction, and incontinence.  There may be a hint of the Master’s DNA in him – because we all know the fan base loves the Jihad. We won’t be doing the big reveal as to his identity just yet.  He is still short though, which will be the hint for the readers.  Hannibal is looking forward to crushing the Clans and getting himself a studded dog collar.

Stone has also cloned his sister, Katherine, as Stone’s personal consort.  Think Princess Leia in the slave outfit, but Katherine Steiner Davion – so most fans will loathe her. Her name is Katie and is utterly devoted to Stone, but willing to sleep with Hannibal behind Stone’s back!  Ohh, intrigue! Ohh, incest.  Ew… Outside of House Liao, we have never really played much with incest.  Given the popularity of Game of Thrones, the powers that be think incest is a winner (per John Helfers).

SECTION – THE STORM BREAKS (3.5k words)

Operation BUTT-SCRATCHER opens with Jade Falcon operatives on Terra taking down Fortress Republic.  As it turns out, there is a big switch in Geneva marked (On/Off) and all you have to do is toss it.  Stone considers this “hidden in plain sight.”

The Jade Falcons engage in a massive naval battle in the Sol system and commence landing after a batchall with Stone.  Imagine Malvina’s face when she learns that the Wolverines are back!  Talk about getting your thong twisted!  This section ends when the first Wolverine and Republic units hand the Jade Falcons a stunning defeat at the Battle of Berlin. (Artist Notes: Use image of Russian’s raising flag over the Reichstag with the flag of Republic of the Sphere.)

Sidebars:  Wolverine’s Bioregenerative Armor, GenWeps, Quantum Disruptors, Mjolnir Gauss Hammer Projectors, Sonic Shredders, and Ultra-Elementals, and Wave Motion Guns and Cannons, Thor and Odin orbital spikes.

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Concept Art for Firing the Wave Motion Gun…

SECTION – THE BATTLE FOR NORTH AFRICA (2.8k words

Clan Jade Falcon is bogged down in North Africa, staggered by the revelation that the Republic is allied with Clan Wolverine and arguments about what colors to use to paint their BattleMechs that will camouflage them best in the desert. This allows us to explore the exciting world of camouflaging three story fast running war machines all over again. I personally think the fans embrace this.

The Republic forces suffer a staggering loss in Tunisia.  The Fidelis wipe out the Falcon’s Green Arrow ™ Galaxy in Palestine.  Malvina unleashed tactical nukes ‘cause she can.

Sidebars:  Africa Burns – Summary of Falcon’s nuke strikes, losses, etc. Here we paint Malvina is a positive light – after all, it’s the freaking Wolverines she is slaughtering!

SECTION – LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD – WOLVES AT THE DOOR  (3.341 words)

Alaric discovers that Fortress Republic has fallen and arrives in Terra to find the Jade Falcons Turkey Baster Galaxy trapped in Africa fighting the greatest foe of the Clans, the Wolverines.  saKhan Garner Kerensky sets off for the Ghost Bears Dominion while Alaric lands to relieve Malvina (Operation BLIND SQUIRREL).  Yes, the Wolves are saving the Jade Falcons. The fans will never see this coming! Hannibal plows into the Wolves with Stone’s Gallstones, wrecking havoc and making them run like a bunch of little wussies.

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Malvina Hazen – circa 3148 – Phil Lee’s Personal Collection

Anastasia goes to find the Wolves Dragoons to bring them in to help defeat the Republic.

Sidebars:  Alaric’s Big Gamble – Choosing Your Friends Carefully.  Intel report, new Battlearmor spotting in the field and why that is bad for you!

SECTION – BREAKOUT (3.5k words)

The combined Wolf/Falcon forces drive into Europe and Malvina nukes Geneva.  The Northwind Highlanders arrive in defense of the Republic, forcing Alaric to retreat into Russia.  Tara Campbell faces Malvina in battle and kills her.  Note:  We get a great scene of Tara playing the bagpipes with one foot on the blasted and bloated corpse of Malvina Hazen. Yes, it will piss off the Jade Falcon fans, but Malvina was never as warm and cuddly as we made her out in the fiction.

Khan Randi Franklin of the Wolverines is mortally wounded, turning leadership of the Wolverines to saKhan Ralf Hallis.

Sidebars:  Profile of Randi Franklin.  Per Ray’s notes, Randi is to have a heart for the dot over the letter i, it is some sort of cute trademark of hers.  Make sure layout is aware of this.  Also, we need a large fictional piece on the death of Malvina Hazen.  There will be a hint that her BattleMech has been sabotaged in some way prior to the fight.  It is a lot like Clue ™ in terms of who may have wanted to kill her.  “I have Trillian Steiner, with the candlestick, in the bunker…”

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That is KHAN Ralphi to you! 

SECTION – THE DRAGOON BETRAYAL  (Reference Pardoe’s Wolves Dragoons novella for details) (4k words)

Anastasia’s attempts to lure in Wolf’s Dragoons take a bit of a twisted turn.  She barely escapes alive as the Dragoons jump into the Wolf Empire, already secretly under contract with the Republic.  Alaric’s empire is being consumed while he is on Terra.

Sidebars:  New Dragoons General reveal…Jamie Wolf’s Clone – fused with his memories which the Dragoons have preserved.  A resurgent House Marik forces link up with the Dragoons in the former Wolf Empire. The Marik’s have secured their position of power through a series of killings that make the Godfather Part II seem like a documentary on how pencils are made. They whip out 24 new ‘Mechs and vehicles, conveniently just enough to fill a new TRO.  It’s so cool when stuff like that works out, isn’t it?

Sidebars:  House Marik’s Sudden Rise to Prominence.  Finding that cache of long lost Wobbie-tech sure paid off.  See Randall’s notes on The Hidden Enemy – The WOB and What The Fuck They Are Up To Now.

SECTION – ULTIMATE BETRAYAL (2k words)

The Fidelis turn on everyone…payback on the Clans and the Republic and anyone else that screwed them over in the past (which is, well everyone).  It isn’t their brightest moment as they are wiped out, mostly at the hands of the Republic Armed Forces and the Jade Falcons who oddly find themselves, for a moment, fighting the same enemy.  Imagine their surprise?

The Fidelis survivors mount an exodus off of Terra with promises to return in a century and give everyone in the Inner Sphere an atomic wedgie, aka a Trial of Crack-Thrustus.

Sidebars:  Where is the Fidelis Custos, Paul Moon?  He disappeared just before the end of his people.  Rumors include Word of Blake smuggling him off of Terra.  Malvina’s Ghost – a MechWarrior sees her hovering over the battlefield, then survives an assault that should have killed a dozen men.  The legend of Malvina’s Ghost spreads and will be a cult in a new era.  Warriors that see her visage are granted survival against all odds. Oddly enough, a lot of ex-Blakists line up for this cult (those whack-jobs would follow any stupid vision.)

SECTION – THE CONFLAGRATION (2.9k words)

In Asia, the Republic releases its Super-Heavy Tanks, code-named Dinos.  These are the size of city blocks, slow moving, but massively armored and armed.  They are surrounded by new drones, ED-209’s.  The Clans counter these with their new Wave Motion mounted weapons and hack the ED-209’s, turning them on each other and the Dinos.

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Concept Art – The Dino

 

The Republic’s new transmorphable Land-Air-and-Sea ‘Mechs lead a seaborne assault on the Philippines, despite the fact that it is defended by only a rouge cluster of Solhama, each oddly wearing a right eye patch (Unit:  Wolf’s Mange Cluster).  They achieve an early victory as the Clan commanders laugh uncontrollably at the sight of these new war machines and are gunned down while doubled over in hilarity.  Once they rally the Republic forces convert into Prius’s and conceal themselves in a used car lot in Manila, opting to wage a largely unsuccessful by humorous guerilla war from there.

Speaking of gorillas, Hannibal unleashes squads of up-armored gorilla troops with mind-control helmets on the Clan Elemental forces.  These “Grodds” proved to be effectively hilarious once the Jade Falcons learned how to jam their command signals and they began firing at any indiscriminate targets.  This battle takes place in Vatican City because it is one of the few places we have never fought a battle and Brent believes that the Vatican Map Set is going to be a big seller with the kids.

Packers

Alaric is killed in Asia by an UltraElemental Star painted as the Green Bay Packers, but not enough for us to get sued – if you catch my drift.  The Wolves are leaderless!   Anastasia arrives just in time to save them from a complete rout.  The Jade Falcons wipe out a lot of Republic troops and land in North America under their new Khan Bob Hazen.   Sidebars:  See the novel, XXX XX XXX XXXX XXXXXX Chapter 18 for death of Alaric.  Do the fiction/Sidebars from the UltraElemental’s perspective, after-action report.  Remember, these are essentially giants, so let’s get into stuff like their eating and hygene habits – the fans will love it! Separate Sidebars:  Did Alaric really die?  No body is been found.  Reports are he may yet live…  One account has him dressing in drag to get off-world on a transport heading to the Periphery. Other major Sidebars:  Bob Hazen Profile from the Wolf Watch (make sure we mention his struggles with IBS – that figures in a novel coming next year – Bowels of Honor!)

SECTION – ROARING BEARS – FLAMING JUNGLES (4k words)

The Ghost Bears jump into the Sol System (Operation TWIST AND SHOUT) and immediately the Fortress Republic (now weaponized) technology is turned on their ships as they materialize in-system.  Warships go boom!   Only a handful of Ghost Bears survive as their dropships are popped like balloons – revenge by the Wolverines who have a bit of a hard-on for the Ghost Bears after all of these centuries.  Garner Kerensky lands with the Ghost Bears and is in fighting in Brazil.  He is seen with no shirt, Putin-Style, going all medieval on the Wolverine’s collective asses.

A Galaxy of Ghost Bears (The Care Bear ™ Legionnaires) land in South America and face a surprise by Stone – ComGuard units!  These ComStar units were preserved by the Republic and are fresh against the Ghost Bear survivors.  These units employ new Inner Sphere technology that rip into the hides of the Ghost Bears and devastate their ranks.  saKhan Wanker Bekker is killed by multiple death from above attacks by the ComGuards quasi elite ATT Customer Service Division.  (Yes, we have new rules to cover this situation.)  The Care Bears get in one devastating assault, taking out the ComGuard General Xander Davion-Kell (Julian Davion’s long lost love child with Calamity Kell) sending the Guards falling back.  There may yet be hope for da’ Bears…

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A Care Bear Legionnaire Elemental Warrior (mock up) 

Sidebars:  Using the Republic Technology as Weapons.  What happened to Garner Kerensky Part II?  Hiding ComStar in Plain Sight.

SECTION – FALL OF THE REPUBLIC (4.5k words)

The last Republic forces are crushed by the Jade Falcons.  Stone’s Leghumper Legion slam into them, filled with rage and fury at the loss of Republic that has protected them for so long, taking down the last of Clan Jade Falcon.  Clan Wolf retreats to India, devastated and pursued by the Clan Wolverine forces. Using Terra’s massive call center complexes for cover, the Wolves seem to be getting away.

The Northwind Highlanders (Your wife’s lipstick battalion) join ComStar in South America, further savaging the Ghost Bears uber-elite Snuggles Brigade just because we want to see kilted BattleMechs take on the Ghost Bears.  Note from Brent:  Iron Wind is producing eight different tiny tartan kilts for sale this year so that players can put them on their favorite ‘Mechs…sure to be hot item.

Jamie Wolf v3.0 rules the Wolf Empire, establishing a chain of burger franchises, Dragoon Fries and Shakes.  He also makes a killing selling Dragoon action figures.  He emerges as one of the more sane leaders in the Inner Sphere in this new era.

Meanwhile in the Federated Suns (Phil to write.  Summary:  The Combine and Confederation forces pinch House Davion down to a dozen worlds.  Julian Davion is rumored to have gone insane from the losses.  The Federated Suns is no longer considered a viable House.  The worlds are clogged with FedSun refugees.  The Cappies and Dracs can each claim a complete victory.  They don’t conquer the survivors because there is nothing left to fight and no one wants to deal with the refugee issue.

Stone’s newly formed Knights of the Republic Sentinel Defenders of the Realm (rolls off the tongue don’t you think?) is made up of all of the Knights and Paladins, led by Levin and Redburn, surge into battle against the Clan Wolf forces but are pummeled badly (since most of them are antiques) giving Clan Wolf one moment in the sun with a victory.

Debauchery Kell (Calamity’s illegitimate twin brother) attacks the Green Lantern Corps Galaxy of the Jade Falcons.  When pressed in battle he uses his Phantom Kell skill to summon the ghost of Morgan Kell.  Morgan’s ghost destroys the attacking ‘Mech, saving Debauchery’s life, then goes off for years to meditate.

Sidebars:  The Kell Hounds and Wolves in Exile eliminate the Jade Falcon Occupation Zone.  (Phil to provide map)  The Lyran Commonwealth is saved (Brent made us do it.)  This should be a double-sized Sidebars given its importance. Phantom Kell Skill stats for the RPG (see Phil’s notes, it was his idea)

SECTION – ROAR OF DOOM (4.001k words)

The Wolves are surrounded and only a handful of them, led by Anastasia Kerensky, manage to escape alive.  The Ghost Bears are wiped out as well, but the cost was every last one of the ComStar troops. No one sheds a bloody damn tear.  Hannibal emerges from the fight with the bodies of his victims chained to his BattleMech, their blood streaking his paint.  Like I said, he’s a tad vicious.

Sidebars:  Where are the Wolf survivors?  Hell’s Horses attack the Ghost Bear Dominion, finding it mostly abandoned – as does the Combine. Note:  What emerges is that the most powerful forces in the Inner Sphere is the Draconis Combine and the Capellan Confederation. Anastasia Kerensky – Some People Just Fucking Refuse to Die.

SECTION – ilClan!! (3.3k words)

While Devlin Stone is prepared to declare victory, he is betrayed by Clan Wolverine, who proclaims itself the ilClan.  Stone refuses to acknowledge this claiming the victory as one for the Republic.  He faces saKhan Ralf Hallis in a Circle of Equals only to be defeated by the Wolverines.  (Brent says we have artwork for this already.)  Stone does live and will go on to lead the Republic (well, what is left of it.)  Note:  It is during the fiction tied to this that we learn that Stone has an entire cybernetic body, courtesy of recovered Word of Blake technology.  This means he can potentially live forever (because the fans absolutely love his character and the depth we have provided as to his backstory.)

Clan Wolverine REALLY wants the ilClanship.  This is critical because no one has seen this coming (except that bastard blogger MechLivesMatter who posted his predictions a year ago, I hate that guy.)  The Republic still stands – but not on Terra, but what is left of Prefecture X, led by bionic Stone (who we will have slowly go insane.)  The Wolverines begin to rebuild to take the war to remaining Inner Sphere Clans in the new era – The Wars of Horrific Retribution and Gloom (first sourcebook due fall of 2019).

Sidebars:  Profile of Ralf (Ralfy to his friends) Hallis – ilKhan. (Recommend using artwork that mirrors Ralphy from A Christmas Story) Devlin Stone – Bionic Warrior-god.  Rumor:  Arthur Davion – is he still a thing or are we over that?

IMPORTANT NOTES TO SOURCEBOOK WRITERS – FUTURE DIRECTION: 

Alaric will resurface in the Lyran Commonwealth where he will become Archon and marry Anastasia Kerensky.  Their love children will be important characters in the next era.

Hannibal will reemerge with an eye patch over his right eye two years from now leading a rag tag fleet of survivors in the last BattleStar into the Periphery.  (Reminder:  Brent is going to have 2000 eye patches made up for GenCon 2020 – Dubbed “The Year of the Eye-Patch!”

House Marik will surprise everyone by being the most stable government in the Inner Sphere. We know this is a bit predictable, but they are equipped with a WOB-tech droid army which basically is autonomous BattleMechs.  We did this because only good positive things come from self-aware androids in science fiction.

We know fans will be upset by the demise of the Federated Suns.  Hannibal’s fleet of refugees will forge a new empire and come back for revenge, and as the means to sell six more Tech Readouts.  It will take 300 years but will be worth it.

In 2022 we will have the BattleTech home world Clans find their way back for some fighting – The Wars of Reaming (sequel to The Wars of Reaving)

We have ignored the Sea Foxes and Snow Ravens.  We thought it might complicate the sourcebook, but we will leak to the fan base that we have “special plans for these clans.”  They always fall for that shit.  In reality, the plans call for them to attack Terra for the epic GenCon 2021 event – tentatively titled – Screw the Wolverines Again!

 

SECTION – NEW UNITS FIGHTING FOR THE BATTLE OF TERRA

(See Phil’s list plus the following.  Artists needed for the new Stone’s unit patches)

1st ComStar Division (Ghosts of Focht.  All ‘Mechs have an eyepatch painted on them like their namesake)

2nd ComStar Division (ATT Customer Service)

ComStar ATT CALL CENTER
Peace of Blake Be With You…Please Hold…

3rd ComStar Division (Testicles of Tukayyid) With the Buddy the Elf Extermination Brigade

2nd Century, Fidelis (Jaguars of Doom)

The Dumfries Demolishers (Elite Northwind Highlander Company)

The Kell Hounds (rebuilt)

Stone’s Leghumper Legion

Stone’s Hangovers

Stone’s Toenail Fungus (All ‘Mechs painted a dull flat yellow)

Stone’s Migraine Brigade

Stone’s Restless Leg Syndrome Battalion

Stone’s Arthritis

Stone’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Stone’s Hangnail Legion

Stone’s Diaper Rash  (This is a youth-brigade of young volunteers)

Stone’s Gallstones (personal troops for Hannibal/Victor 2.0)

Stone’s Melanoma

Stone’s Depends ™

Stone’s Liver Spots (great cameo pattern with this unit!)

Toejam of Stone – staffed with dwarves – these are known as Stone’s Munchkins and the Lollipop Guide Fire Brigade

Lollipop
“Prepare to eat sugar you freeborn trash!” 

The Fox News Irregulars (Merc Unit)

Fee Fi Fo Fum…Uber UltraElemental Unit – Remember, these guys are basically genetically bred giants.

Clan Jade Falcon Green Arrow ™ Galaxy

Clan Jade Falcon Green Goblin ™ Galaxy

Clan Jade Falcon Emerald City Galaxy

Clan Wolf – The Wolf’s Mange Cluster

Clan Ghost Bear – Lambda Lambda Mu Galaxy – The Care Bear ™ Legionnaires

Clan Ghost Bear – Yogi Irregulars

Clan Ghost Bear – The Snuggles Brigade

Clan Wolf – The Angry Little Bitches Cluster

Clan Wolf – The Rabid Rottweilers Galaxy

Clan Wolf – Michael Vick’s Vengeance Cluster (again, too soon?)

Clan Wolf – Smells Like Wet Dogs In Here Assault Cluster

The Northwind Highlanders (Your wife’s lipstick battalion)  Answers the age-old question of “What do you wear under your kilt?”

 

SECTION – NEW WEAPONS AND EQUIPMENT:  (Brent has had the powers-that-be bless the stats and can provide)

Slaver Systems

GenWeps (Brent has final refinements to the mutation tables)

Mutations
You want to roll low on those mutation tables – FYI 

Quantum Disruptors

Sonic Shredders

Sonic Funnels

Quantum Whip (we can stick the word “quantum” in front of any weapon and it sounds cool and deadly)

Enemanator (works similar to the Colonsocopy Anti-Infantry Ray but is more of a weapon that targets the MechWarrior in the cockpit)

Kloaking Device ™ Comes in light blue color

Remote Cockpit Systems

Class 7 Disco-Ball Scatter Laser

Molecular Acid Blasters (should look a lot like a super soaker)

Photon Destabilizer Weapons

Akira Laser Flashers

Thundar Disruption Hammer

Wildstar Wave Motion Guns and Cannons (what are the chances of us being sued twice for borrowing IP from Japan?)

Bioregenerative Armor

Colonoscopy Anti-Infantry Ray – AKA Brown Ray Weapons – You can guess the effects on the targets, right? Infantry hit with this weapon need to be repainted with brown paints immediately.

Tachyon Vortex Cannon – nickname – Atomic Wedgie

Thor and Odin Orbital Spikes

Red Ryder Gauss Pellet Launcher

Mjolnir Gauss Hammer Projector

Pryor Class Enhanced Flamers – the older fans will get this

McClane Machinegun Array “Ho ho ho, now I have a machinegun…”

The Valhalla Organic Cohesion Eliminator (VOCX)

Twinkie Hypersonic Needler “That’s one hell of a Twinkie…”

UltraElementals – see notes, they are half the size of a BattleMech in full armor per Ray’s and Brent’s specification

Grodd Gorillas

 

SECTION – NEW BATTLEMECHS

Ball-Buster (186.5 ton Super-Dooper Heavy BattleMech)

Testicle-Twister (Clan Wolverine ‘Mech)

Kardashian Class Assault Tank (Clan Jade Falcon)

Jethro Bodine (with Slaver) (Clan Jade Falcon BattleMech)

Kanye (Light, fast, with no real firepower, Class Wolf BattleMech)

Crusty Toenail Class Tank (Clan Hell’s Horse – and they are even in this fight…oh, some sort of hint of things to come or just us being douchebags?)

Moonshiner Class Tank (Republic of the Sphere) (Note to artists – this should look like a still with a turret, with XXX painted on the hull somewhere.)

IM000019.JPG
Think this – with tank treads and a big ass cannon. 

Immortal Class BattleMech (oddly named given its remarkable lack of armor – BP)

Bynes Class Hover Tank

Poison Ivy Class BattleMech

Lohan Class Battlearmor

Thunderbuns Class BattleMech (Jade Falcon)

Bad Hair Day VTOL

MCCGA Class Scout Mech  (Make the Capellan Confederation Great Again) Note:  ‘Mech only comes in red.

Smollett Class Battle Suits (too soon?)

FITW (Fart in the Wind) Class Artillery – essentially a big Tachyon Vortex Cannon-thing.

Ski-Doo Class Land-Air-and-Sea Transmorphable (not Transformer ™ because that would be bad)

Pimple-Popper 2000 Class Medium Mech (Republic of the Sphere)

Honey-Boo-Boo Class Assault ‘Mech

ED-209 Drone (Republic of the Sphere)

Ed209
You have ten seconds to comply…

Jerry Springer Class Drone with Optional Chair Launcher

Blood Upon the Canopy (April Fool’s 2019 Part 1)

Eject

Blood Upon the Risers is an American WWII paratrooper song about a paratrooper whose chute does not open.  It appears several times in the HBO series, Band of Brothers.  Band Of Brothers Blood On The Risers

I always thought that song was great.  Then it hit me, we don’t have a good BattleTech song – one that captures big stompy ‘Mechs and particle projection cannons, trueborns, and stuff.  So, this year, as part of my annual April Fool’s Day offering, I present to you – Blood Upon the Canopy – sung to the same tune:

 

He was a green MechWarrior who trembled with fright

He made sure his restraining straps were put on good, secure and tight

Outside of the cockpit he heard the artillery rumble and roar

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

Glory, glory what a hell of a way to die

Glory, glory what a hell of a way to die

Glory, glory what a hell of a way to die

He aint’ punching out no more

 

The incoming LRMs tore his right torso to shreds

The laser beam hit his cockpit turning everything bright red

Warning lights flickered on filling his heart with dread

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

His autocannon barrage was poorly aimed and went wild

The Clanner on the other side simply broke into a smile

He knew the Clansman would leave his battered body defiled.

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

He unleashed his Alpha Strike making his cockpit a burning hell

The Clanner shrugged off the damage but he never even fell.

Inside his neurohelmet the sweat of fate he could only smell.

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

He juked hard to the right, his arm was blown clean off

He was tossed about the cockpit hard and jostled pretty rough

The Clanner called to him asking, “You are toast quaiff?”

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

His SRM missile rack was pounded into useless scrap,

His PPC sparked, a round had turned into nothing but crap.

Only then did he realize his lance had been led into a trap.

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

His jumpjets flared and he rose up atop a brilliant blue flame

He came down hard, his left leg twisted and now it is just maimed

The evil Clanner taunted him, “They will never remember your name!”

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

His missile ammo cooked off with a rumble through his CASE

His heat sinks burst and coolant sprayed all over the battlespace.

One salvo cratered his reactor housing, leaving not a trace.

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

He grabbed the ejection ring and pulled it back with all his might

The cockpit canopy blew and shot him straight up out of sight.

The Clanner locked onto him with his PPC, purely out of spite

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

He felt the blast shoot over him and into the bright blue sky

He saw the parachute disintegrate and he let out a cry.

The Clanner called out to him, “Freebirth prepare to die!”

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

His BattleMech erupted in a massive ball of flame

He plummeted to the earth with no one left to blame

He hit the ground and his body was curmbled and left maimed

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

He hit the ground, the sound was “SPLAT”, his blood went spurting high;

His comrades, they were heard to say “A HELL OF A WAY TO DIE!”

He lay there, rolling ’round in the welter of his gore

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

As he lay there with his busted knees thrust over the top of his head

Then came the moment every Mechwarrior comes to fear and dread

“Tell my mother I didn’t fail House Davion, and I wish I wasn’t dead!”

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

We buried what was left on a  hillside not far from our post

We knew that MechWarrior well and were sorry he was toast.

He’ll never fight the heat or have to fear that he will in his cockpit roast

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

Wayne Waco, Jamie Wolf and Archer Christofori

Horse, Aiden Pryde and even Natasha Kerensky

In Valhalla they await his coming with stein of Timbriqui

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Chorus

 

(slowly, solemnly; about half the speed of the other verses)

There was blood upon the ejection seat and remains of his chute,

Intestines were a-dangling from his MechWarrior jumpsuit,

He was a mess, they picked him up, and poured him from his boots,

He ain’t punching out no more

 

Personally, I would love to hear this sung at GenCon this year, either at Masters and Minions or at the Catalyst Update Presentation. Print out copies – bring ‘em, sing ‘em.

From The Archives: BattleTech Storylines That Didn’t Make the Cut (April Fool’s)

What-it-really-is-via-communityDOTbattletechgameDOTcom-user-Smaug-625x417

For April Fool’s this year, my list of BattleTech plotlines and story ideas and plotlines that were never fully considered.  Having been part of this universe for a long time, my sense of humor has been twisted rather tightly.  Most of these concepts and story ideas were discarded for damn good reasons, though in all honesty, I think that the powers that be missed some golden opportunities with some of the ideas I’ve toyed with over the years.  So, for a chuckle – here you go!  

Kerensky’s Coup:  When Stefan Amaris offers Kerensky the chance to serve under him – he accepts.  While the Usurper secretly plots Kerensky’s assassination, the old man kills the First Lord first and assumes control of the Star League.  The Rim Worlds Republic is shattered quickly as the SLDF units don’t have to fight their way into the Hegemony.  The Star League never dies. 

The last scene of Endgame is Katrina and Victor sleeping with each other.  (Oh come on, you’ve all suspected that she secretly loved him…)

Kai Allard-Liao slips into an Elemental suit to prepare to do battle, but can’t use it because it’s too damn big (LIKE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK?).  He climbs out and is squashed like a bug under the footpad of a Clan Vulture. 

Nicholas Kerensky proposes the idea of the Clans and is then sedated and locked up.  “Single combat when I have a fully company of ‘Mechs at my disposal, what in the hell is he thinking?  Give up sex to reproduce using iron wombs?  And what is up with all that babbling about Smoke Jaguars?  What’s he been smoking?”

The Inner Sphere is invaded by giant intelligent chicken creatures.  They are not only wiped out, but served as dinner to victors.  (Courtesy of Colonel Wayne Waco Rogers Roasters) 

The “What if I had a Jihad and no one showed up?” scenario.  At the outbreak of the Jihad Outreach is reduced to radioactive slag.  Only problem, Wolf’s Dragoons isn’t there.  Uh oh.  They got intel on the strike and moved against Terra.  Double uh oh.  The Dragoons shatter the Word of Blake there and declare themselves at the ilClan.  

The “Liao isn’t as dumb as he looks,” scenario.  Mad Max Liao, suspicious of the wedding of Melissa Steiner and Hanse Davion – orders his military to invade the Federated Suns at the time of the wedding reception.  They catch the Davion forces on their staging worlds, unprepared, and inflict massive casualties.  The Federated Suns crumbles, ill-equipped for a defense.   

Jerome Blake IS The Master.  Using lost Star League tech, Blake’s brain is put in a cybernetic body and never steps down as the head of ComStar.  None of the religious mumbo jumbo ever becomes part of the ComStar culture.  ComStar essentially becomes a very big powerful corporation with its own army.  When the Jihad happens, its is ComStar putting an end to the Succession Wars.  

When Victor-Steiner Davion denies Trent a chance to command, Trent kills him.  “Any last words Mighty Mouse?”  

Kahn Ward is attacked by a marauding band of giant intelligent chicken creature which peck him to death.  

Primus Waterly named the First Lord of a new Star League.  Her plan to cripple communications works (Operation Scorpion,) bringing the Federated Commonwealth to its knees, then the rest of the Inner Sphere follows.  She kills Focht and establishes herself as the First Lord of a new Star League.  

House Liao’s ultimate betrayal.  During the Clan invasion, House Liao strikes at House Marik and Davion, taking out manufacturing centers.  Without arms coming in, the Clans crush the other houses and Sun-Tzu Liao has backed a winner, earning him a place of honor in the court of the Star League.  

The Outbound Light doesn’t find the Clans, they find the Wolverines.  Talk about oops! The Wolverines tip off the Inner Sphere about what happened to Kerensky’s children.  The Inner Sphere unites out of fear and armed with the intel given by the Wolverines – leads as preemptive strike into Clan space.  

Vlad kills Phelan Kell.  There should be more to this but just nurse it for a moment.  Ahh…

Devlin Stone is the son of Frederick Steiner (Focht) and Myndo Waterly.  She wasn’t killed, but has been the true force behind ComStar all along.  I know – scary…

Snord’s Irregulars launch a surprise attack on Terra at the end of the Third Succession War and seize the planet.  Cranston Snord becomes the new First Lord of a new Star League.  It’s like Pawn Stars, but with ‘Mechs. 

Jerome Blake doesn’t seize Terra – instead House Kurita does in a surprise assault.  With control over ComStar and Terra, it is a battle royale between the rest of the Inner Sphere and the Draconis Combine.  

Wolverines Triumphant.  Nicholas Kerensky is killed while fighting the Wolverines.  The Clans morph into a more benevolent society as Kerensky’s extreme weirdness is stripped away.  The caste system is dissolved.  The Clans become a unified peoples, still militaristic, but not so Klingon-ish. When they do invade the Inner Sphere, there’s no bargaining…it’s all out war.  

What if the scientist caste was on top in the Clan heirarchy?  Rather than the Warriors, the scientists rule the Clans.  Technology leaps ahead centuries by the time of the invasion.  Bio-BattleMechs and stuff.  Nastier weapons.  Uber-Tech.  

The Smoke Jaguars win against the Star League.  Victor’s head is held in Osis’s hands before the Clans.  The Nova Cats get VERY nervous as a result of their betrayal.  

The Nova Cats have a vision about giant Chicken aliens invading the Inner Sphere.  Everyone laughs at them.  

House Marik wipes out Wolf’s Dragoons as Joshua Marik takes the throne of the Free Worlds League.  He picks apart the loot from the Dragoons and uses it to rebuild the League into THE major force in the Inner Sphere.   He also figures out where the Dragoons came from and prepared his nation, but not the others, for the eventual invasion.  

Katrina takes X as a mate.  X = Kahn Ward, Thomas Marik, Lincoln Osis, Archer Christifori, or Sun-Tzu Liao. 

The Knights of the Inner Sphere put on the play Spamalot II.  I actually toyed with this script.

What if we never changed the universe?  So a company of patchwork ‘Mech defend an entire planet.  No factories, no regiments, and big merc units numbered twelve dudes and skimpily clad dudettes with ‘Mechs.  Ice ships, pirates, and salvage means staying in the fight.  

One word:  Cylons. 

ComStar’s network becomes self-aware and renames itself “Skynet.”  Short android copies of Victor Steiner Davion are sent out to kill the leaders of the Inner Sphere.  (I have to admit, I’m still fleshing this idea out, but you get the idea.) 

Kahn Ward loses his arm in battle and Clan scientists replace it with a chainsaw appendage.  

All MechWarriors in the universe have the “Ghost ‘Mech” capability that Morgan Kell demonstrated, and they use it a lot.  

The Word of Blake comes across a planet inhabited by giant intelligent chickens.  They use cybernetic implants on these creatures creating the Manei Cluckini, an army of killer chickens.  

“Everybody on Exodus…be back in one hour.”  Kerensky wasn’t the only one to go on the Exodus.  All of the major houses send out forces into the Periphery to create empires they might need someday.  Each of these mini-Exodus’s cuts ties to their home governments during the Succession Wars and all come back as unique distinct cultures to invade the Inner Sphere.  

Richard Cameron sees right through Amaris and pops him with his laser before the coup unfolds.  The coup never happens and Rim Worlds League is laid waste as a result of Kerensky learning of their deception.  

Rather than fight a bloody Civil War, Victor has Katherine assassinated.  The Federated Commonwealth remains intact going through the Dark Ages.  

What if Kerensky came home sooner?  Rather than the civil war that led to the Clans, the SLDF remained intact and prospered.  In Kerensky’s lifetime they came back to the Inner Sphere on a war to reestablish the Star League.  But instead of arriving in 3050, they come a century or two earlier.  

‘Mechs invade Endor.  While not a viable idea, I like the idea of crushing Ewoks. 

Three words:  Battlefield Nuclear Weapons.  Not as optional – as standard equipment. Range of six hexes, they destroy everything within 20 from ground zero.  

The Succession Wars don’t happen.  Hell, Terra was pretty trashed anyway.  Why fight for control of the Hegemony worlds?  When the Clans arrive they find house governments with massive militaries that had not been battered by three centuries of warfare.  Surprise!

Daleks invade the Free Worlds League!  A little Dalek-on-‘Mech action would be fun.  Question:  How many points does a toilet plunger ray gun do?  Answer:  5 but the range sucks.  

The arrival of Wolf’s Dragoons results in their immediate attack and destruction.  The Inner Sphere learns of the Clans from their databases and sets off to attack the Clans first (or better yet, feeds them misinformation about the Inner Sphere prior to their own invasion.)  

House Ward is part of Clan Wolverine.  Phelan Kell tells the Wolves that capture him that he carries the Ward bloodline in his veins…and they kill him.  

Return to suggested Clan Names That Didn’t Make It Past The First Cut:  Turkey Baster, Iron Scrotum, Killer Sloth, Pregnant Hamster, Viper-Poodle, Pap-Smear, Smoked Stoner, Jade Prostate, Mammoth Shrimp, Amorous Armadillo, Snow-Weasel, Emerald Ball-Crusher, Pink Flamingo, Black Hemorrhoid, Fire Frogs, Azure Zit, and Rabid Monkey. 

Instead of building NAIS, House Davion builds a ‘Death Star.’  (Imagine me doing the quotes in the air like Dr. Evil and it’s funnier…)

And finally…Adam Steiner from the TV Series becomes Archon!  What?  What do you mean we did that?  WTF?  Huh?  It was mentioned in one of my books?  Aw crudstunk…